I'd appreciate any help on this please and thank you all in advance?

Question

I'm 41, due to abuse early in life, I've had a very hard, painful, shameful, embarrassing, abnormal life. To put it plainly, I've not amounted to anything that most amount to, I've not had the typical life experiences most have, due to the mental issues from the abuse. I am on the path of healing and changing my life now, but, every time i try to date, its so hard, because often i can't even answer their simple questions that most could, because to answer it, would mean id have to open up about my life history that im not ready to open up about, so i just end up seeming odd or fake hiding something. My question is, any advice on how to handle this situation? i am brave to even date, to try, but, it rarely can move forward, because i have this life story i am ashamed and afraid to share. I am not ashamed to tell them about the abuse, i am ashamed an afraid of telling them how my life has been an is, due to the abuse, cause my life has been nothing at all, I've never dated, had sex, drove, had friends, i mean literally never had any typical life, and its embarrassing. But i have a lot to offer, my heart is gold, and i long for love more than anything. If you think this is pathetic, you're right, but please, be kind. Any advice on getting past the fear of opening up, on taking the chances? any perspective i should be looking at about it? anything at all ill appreciate thank you.

SueShe · Accepted Answer

I presume you had your share of visits with a specialist that attempted to help you with your problems related to abuse. If not, then this would be the starting point to try to get past it and to open up.

At your age, you don't have to face people and their abusive comments and behaviors like if you are a teenager. People have matured and are more understanding of your problems than if you were 16 or 20.

You are the only one that can help yourself but for that, you have to jump over your own shadow and not be afraid to fall, because it is likely to happen. However, you could train your approach to talking and interacting with others just by practicing in front of a mirror. It is important that you rehearse what you would say but above all, in which tone and how you make your message come across to the potential romantic partners.

If a person fails to understand your situation or takes advantage of it, then he/she is not the right one for you in the first place. You must come out of your comfort zone and face this world.

If you have a friend, preferably a female friend that is aware of your past problems, then by all means take her with you when you socialize and rely on her moral help to talk with strangers. Knowing that you have someone that can back you up is the first step to opening up. Good luck.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I don't think you should share about your past until this guy proves you he's all in for you. Some guys take an advantage of your past and treat you the same and then blame it on you.

Celtero · Accepted Answer

It's tough, I'm in the same boat with the benefit of 15 years. In my experience, people don't care all that much to hear about it. I can't really bear to be dishonest though, if someone asks me a question and the answer relates to my upbringing... I'm answering regardless. I find that it really helps me figure out what kind of person I'm answering to. I think a relationship built on dishonesty will always have a fake foundation too.

I don't think you should be ashamed though, as long as you didn't hurt anybody yourself.

Kaamraj · Accepted Answer

Hello my friend. I'm sorry for everything you had to go through, but this is your one life that you will get, so do not waste it. While dating, or friendship, you have to remember that it's an interaction between two people so they're bound to ask questions and if they do not get satisfactory answers they can understand from that interaction what their experiences dictate and make a choice accordingly. First and foremost is for you to heal, have you considered or are you in therapy?

Adam1978 · Answer

Stop being ashamed about abuse if it wasn't you doing it. If you tell about abuse it will only mirror badly on the abusers, ie most likely your family members, we don't get to select our family so it won't reflect badly on you. That said most people will not want to deal with others mental problems so you are better of reaching the point of mental stability that you can be open and honest about it before dating.

Slartybartfast · Answer

My last date talked about her friends from grade school, she then asked me about mine..

How do you explain growing up on welfare and moving every few months because you didn't have the rent?

How do I explain all the scars all over my body?

Why I walk down the center of the street and avoid sidewalks? Why I rush to leave parking garages? Why I flinch when touched?

Anonymous · Answer

Have you had any therapy for this, the abuse etc? That would be my suggestion as I think part of that therapy would be addressing this, how to move on and tackle things like this. But any caring and understanding guy that's into you and interested in a relationship isn't going to judge you for this or run away.

monkeynutts · Answer

Most people won’t understand what you have gone through, so telling them it’s not going to do any good, it’s not really any of their business anyway. Best advice is to let your past be the past. You should be aware of signs that others could be abusive, because you don’t deserve to be treated like that, so make sure you never experience it again. Many people don’t need love, they need their egos stroked, best be aware of this when you choose a partner.

Nikki6t6 · Answer

Nah, you’re good… don’t be so hard on yourself. Just roll with it… try and have fun…. dating should be fun… not like a police interrogation.

When you’re asked uncomfortable questions… skirt the issue in a cute way… fire back with a question… you’ll be fine.

IHateBeingaMan · Answer

well i want to have empathy and sympathy for you, my heart is with you due to the abuse you got, sorry you went through that, also, don't take this the wrong way, but i have always found it more shocking to hear of a woman surpassing or reaching a certain age and never dated anyone before or still a virgin, since women are not expected to do the pursuing like men are, plus, as i saw on one of the answers here by an anonymous user.

That infamous movie with Steve Carrell, i don't see there ever being a movie like that in which the main star is a woman, i sometimes get mad that movie was made.

loves2learn · Answer

You are in dire need of therapy my friend. I am very sorry to hear about your abuse. No one deserves that. I hope you can find love.

Iron_Man · Answer

Pray about your life and put your life in Gods hands. Get on Christian mingle or go to church and find a good decent man

Cowboy6666 · Answer

Perhaps you also need some close friends in your life whom you can text, chat and talk and feel comfortable

slatyb · Answer

Can you see a therapist? It helped me lot

Anonymous · Answer

Are you saying you are a woman in her early 40s that has never dated anyone?

I'd appreciate any help on this please and thank you all in advance?

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