I’m too insecure in this “relationship”, should I just end things?

[Anonymous]

Hi friends! So I’ve been feeling too insecure in this “relationship”, we’re not official but we’ve been dating for a little over a year - we’re only seeing each other. I asked him if we could just go ahead and make it official but he said he’s not ready and is too scared to disappoint me.

His social media is also filled with pics of his ex, he never posted about me and none of his friends know about me. His ex still posts old photos of them and my “bf” called her out on it and blocked her. He asked me to post him on my social media but he never bothered to do the same for me and I’ve made it clear to him that it bothers me but he just brushes it off. He’s also very secretive but expects me to be fully open with him.

The fact that he still won’t make it official and is practically hiding me bothers me a lot but he keeps saying that the whole social media thing is no big deal and that he doesn’t go around announcing to people that he’s dating someone new. I love him a lot and I know that I’m being dramatic but I can’t help to feel anxious and insecure over this whole thing. What should I do?

Updates

1 y

I also feel the need to add that my “bf” and his ex used to work together before they broke up, so they still keep in touch from time to time to discuss past projects (and maybe potentially new ones). They’ve also met a couple of times for work after they broke up and we were already dating

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Yeah, you're not the one being too insecure, I think.

You know what you want, you've been dating for a year exclusively (that's official in my mind), and it's HIS hangups on his ex that are affecting things.

Yes, it's normal and good to generally not want to hurt your partner.

HOWEVER, it's also normal to just... Accidentally hurt them in the course of actually having a relationship.

He's hurting you already by refusing to understand or really hear your concerns. He's just excusing it to himself by saying it doesn't count because you two aren't, in his mind, "official".

He's already fucking up.

It isn't going to get better. You should leave him, end things, and let him process.

When we break up, we need time to process all that. It is very tempting to try to get back into a relationship to sorta "feel" secure and safe again. But doing that sort of rebound isn't really allowing us to properly process what needs to be processed.

He's basically using you and your relationship as a "buffer" between him and processing his break up.

You should dump him. Because he's not giving you what you need, want, or deserve. And because he clearly needs time before he's in another relationship.

Don't let this kind of thing go for a year before having a serious talk in future, either.

[Asker]

Omg thank you so much this almost made me cry 🥺 I’m just super lost on what to do, I don't know if it’s just me being too insecure or am I justified in feeling this way… I know that the whole social media thing is no big deal but it’s a big deal to me and I’m just feeling so lost and I hate myself for feeling so insecure about something so trivial :(

[Smoke-n-Growls]

I'm really glad I could be of help. I remember being as insecure as you - maybe just in a different way - and questioning myself constantly.

If declaring yourselves official on social media is a big step for you (which, honestly, makes sense given at our age social media is how a lot of us socialize in a casual sorta way with our networks of friends and family), and you feel you're not getting what you need or want from him in the relationship regarding commitment (on social or not), it's okay to speak up.

Your feelings aren't trivial. Social media might be, but your feelings are very much real things.

Often, our feelings are signals - if we feel bad about a situation, usually there's a reason. Maybe we recognize we're not where we want to be, or there's something that's going against what we value - those feelings can help you learn when you need to stand up for yourself. Or when you need to take time away to reflect.

Listen to your feelings, but don't let them control you.

I highly recommend working with a therapist - or even just taking time to reflect with yourself and a trusted friend - about your insecurities. Without conscious effort and work, we cannot overcome them. But with work and a bit of guidance, we can turn them into strengths.

You can do this. Value yourself, and your feelings. You are valid.

[Asker]

Thank you! I do feel like I may have some unmet expectations and that’s why I’ve been feeling super unsure about this whole connection but the thing is I never took the time to actually tell him what my expectations are… well I did but it led to an argument (the whole social media thing lol)

I am definitely considering talking to a therapist about this so I hope I can at least get another objective opinion from her too. I appreciate you being so kind and helpful, I wish you nothing but the best 💕

[Smoke-n-Growls]

I'm really happy I could help!

Make sure you invest time in finding a therapist that clicks with you. It took me about five calls to different people before I found mine, and she's been helping me for 6+ years, now.

It's definitely a good thing to know what you want and set those expectations. I also had some problems with that in the past with a partner who just wasn't ready for a relationship with me, I get you. It's great you did bring them up, even if it did result in an argument. It's good to learn that sort of thing, even though the lesson sucks sometimes.

Good luck in your search, and your future relationships! Take your time to make yourself happy when you're single, and be genuinely you. You'll find someone who adds to your life, versus subtracts from it, I know it. :)

[Asker]

Thank you, you’re awesome!!

[KelleyNice]

You wouldn't be asking if, instead of you thinging you are doing well, he thought he was doing well. Based on what you wrote, I believe you are wasting you time. You should leave him and find a guy, even if less attractive, that is into you. You are not 18 so you don't have time to wait around hoping because very soon, if not aready, you are past your prime of 18 to 25 so your desirability will start dropping rather rapidly. That will limit your opportunities.

[Asker]

I’m not looking to settle down anytime soon so I’m not in a rush but I agree with you in that I think I am wasting my time here… As much as I want this to work I just think that we’re not on the same page sadly. Thanks for sharing your opinion though, much appreciated!

[KelleyNice]

Your are welcome but, if you want marriage and children, don't wait too long. If you wait until you are 30, you will be competing with younger women who are more attractive. In China, women age 27 that are unmarried are called "Leftover women." In Japan, “Christmas cakes” refers to unmarried women aged over 26. (meaning, nobody wants it after the 25th).

[Pyrofox]

Just ask him if even if he's not ready what if you are though? Would he be willing to respect your wishes if you agreed to give him space till he was?

[Asker]

I’ve told him that I am ready to make it official and he said he’s not. I told him that I’m willing to wait but that was almost 8 months ago lol. Not sure if I should bring this up again, he’s been overly stressed out about work so I don’t think the timing is right

[Pyrofox]

I'd say then ask him to meet ya at the most comfy spot you guys like to hold or cuddle at. And just play this song on loop and just hug him. And tell him you want him to know you still feel the same as you did before.

https://youtu.be/iyMLZwHGDgQ

[Asker]

That’s sweet lol thank you so much! I just gotta figure out what I want first (should I stay or just leave) then I can talk about this with him. I appreciate you dropping by and sharing your input, thanks a bunch!!

[Pyrofox]

I think it would be worth staying. He sounds so wholesome just needs a reason to stick around.

[Asker]

He is mostly wholesome, it’s just the thing with his ex that bothers me a lot 😔

[Pyrofox]

I think you just need to do something that would make you unforgettable.

[Asker]

Well he already said that I am unforgettable and that he won’t be able to move on if I left but his actions say otherwise… bc he’s still entertaining his ex