Should I throw the bomb and text my boyfriend this or keep my mouth shut?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are dating for a year and a half. In my interpretation things are going a bit rocky and my insecurities are coming out. I was diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder and called my boyfriend and we talked about it but still feel off about the relationship and his role in my life. He has been harsh on me lately and claiming that its his job as my partner to help me get better when I clearly said I dont need him to make it his mission just to love and support me. Anyhow we have some tension I say something he gets insecure, then I apologize and he tells me that should be owing what I say cause i’m too apologetic. I tell him clearly it made you upset and I wanted to apologize cause sometimes I run my mouth and say stuff very directly without filtering it. I brought the break up many times but i was frustrated with him trying to intervene and change me and told him that he isn't the right guy for me if he can't accept me. He got hurt and since then he’s been distant and not vibing as much. He refuses to talk to me about it. Last weekend when this happened we were on vacation and when we drove back we had to be in the car four hours with this energy. But we talked about it my side at least and apologized and asked me to meet me halfway and accept that im more introverted and reserved and he can't all of a sudden push me to be open and sociable more than I feel comfortable with. Today especially that I had to face myself and got diagnosis i really needed to meet and discuss and hug me and when I asked him to meet he said “no, i’m meeting my mother” and that hurt me cause it felt insensitive. He is a bit slow on reading the room which others brought up that he might have a slight form of autism. Anyhow its 4am and can't sleep im just overthinking everything and feel the urge to pick up my phone and write him this but I know that its best to just sleep as he advised me to get a good rest and be more loving to myself and I texted him that I will do so.

Updates

+1 y

from his point of view things are going very well, and he can focus on other areas cause he loves having me as a girlfriend and this takes off the pressure and stress he would have from dating and he can relax. I noticed that he mentioned renovating his apartment and he took all of interior and design ideas how to make use of the space and what art to bring in and that surprised me cause I didn’t realize the impact i’m having in his life. Not sure if its my anxiety

[FilmGuy93]

This relationship strikes me as extremely codependent and unhealthy. It's obvious that you need to be doing personal work right now to figure out how to handle your anxiety. You don't need your boyfriend thinking it's his job to be overbearing and forceful about YOUR treatment.

[Asker]

I agree with you that i need to take some time and do personal work. I find your viewpoint correct making i’ve given the impression that I need that when I don’t want him to be doing that. Thanks this has been very helpful!

[FilmGuy93]

Happy to help! Let me know if I can be of further assistance.

[Asker]

how do I deal with the feeling that things are going bad and that i’m just a convenience to him? I feel like its very easy for me to go on a spiral and have panic attack. He has found me a therapist in the past but it didn't really help and I want to proceed on my own about my therapy. He started calling me boss as a joke to help me step up. Just want to take a step back take a breath and make a plan on how to deal with my diagnosis but without anybody else being responsible for it. it’s a journey want to take on my own just need the assurance he loves and supports me along the way

[FilmGuy93]

You deal with it by establishing your own personal sense of boundaries. Don't worry about your relationship; worry about your mental state first.

I'm going to totally level with you; the relationship you have with this man was founded at a time when you were not emotionally healthy. This means that the way he is used to interacting with you isn't going to be healthy for you anymore, because your way of approaching relationships is going to be totally different once you develop a healthier sense of self. Unless his way of interacting with you changes with time, AND IT MAY VERY WELL CHANGE (I want to be clear about that; he might grow with you), you will find that his intense nature is going to cause friction with your new sense of boundaries because he won't be able to steam roll over you the way he can now.

It is extremely likely that you will break up, unless both you and he are able to independently grow together, for the simple reason that the relationship will become counter productive. That's why I want you to focus on your mental state first, and then your relationship second, but only after you've done the healing to know who you are, outside the context of your relationship.

[Asker]

wow you have provided a revelation to me, i dont even know how I missed this and its a big deal! My therapist has a different opinion that this can be a relationship strength. Forgot to mention that he was diagnosed with OCS impulsive disorder when I met him so I prioritized my support to him and he has normalized his life so now its time for me to actually do that for myself. I dont regret I did that and helped him but unfortunately don’t see him doing the same to me. He recently said that he doesn't want emotional support cause he's a man so im assuming he's now at a healthier mental state and perhaps has connected me to the period he wasn’t emotionally or mentally healthy but this is no longer my concern. You are right will focus on my personal growth and managing anxiety. I won't shut him off if he wants to be there and support but the dynamic shouldn't be like this that he’s the strong one and puts me under his guidance cause im my own person and I have neglected that. I will be willing to give him a chance to change his way of interacting with me to a healthier one but if there's resistance its even easier for me to keep going cause i’d know I gave it my best shot and now I have to give all this love and care back to myself. From the bottom of my heart I really thank you, you have given me hope and strength with your honesty and kindness!

[FilmGuy93]

Wonderful! I’m glad you got value out of my answers. 😌 I had to go through a lot of this kind of thing in my own life after my last breakup, so my sympathies are definitely with you. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

That’s going to result in an argument and someone’s feelings getting hurt. This happened to me and my boyfriend last weekend because he had Covid and tested negative but my mom wouldn’t let me see him still even though it had been 2 weeks. I was having high anxiety and stuff for 4 days after that until we talked it out. If he’s not actively trying to listen to you he doesn’t want to fully understand.

[Makeushiver]

If there is real animosity between you and boyfriend I would keep any diagnoses to myself so it won't be used or abused when he wants to blame something on you. I'm not saying he would but people in the tail end of relationships can say some pretty hurtful stuff

[Danny_dan92]

Your relationship is done.


Tbh. When someone begins blaming outside reasons for why they mistreat you, it’s cause deep down they wanna leave you. But don’t because of the negative aftermath of leaving you.


For him, no pussy

[Asker]

dont get the last expression

[Danny_dan92]

If he leaves you that means no pussy

[Asker]

I never got this about men, he can move on to the next one. Staying because they won't find sex easily.

[Danny_dan92]

Having a girlfriend grants easier access to pussy.

[Anonymous]

That's fucked up. He should accept you for who you are and not try to change you. Everybody has their faults and their own issues and if he can't accept that then that's on him and not your problem and he needs to learn to grow the fuck up and be a man instead of a little boy