Should I pursue a relationship with him?

[LilyoftheLake]

So I've gone on a few dates with this guy - he's nice, funny, smart, attractive, respectful, and he's a college graduate at age 21. Frankly, we have some chemistry, and he meets all of my criteria. He's kind of shy, so although he's asked me on several dates, it seems unlikely for him to push for anything further.

We met about a year ago, but I was in another relationship, and we were just friends. We had gone on a date beforehand.

Our fifth date is scheduled for tomorrow (July 10). My friends are asking whether or not I want to date him long term, and... I don't know. I guess I'm comparing him to one of my exes, who seemed kind of perfect for me. Some part of me just keeps holding back. On the other hand, if he's not a guy for me, who could be?

Should I pursue a relationship with him? Just see where things go? Or is my hesitancy a sign that he's not right for me?

Pursue

Hold off for a while

Move on and keep looking

Other (Explain Below)

Updates

1 y

Well, I decided to take the plunge. We are officially dating!

[BullShark]

As someone who's dealt with girls being held back and comparing their future relationships to their past ones, I could list a few things you should NOT do in this scenario.

I'm picking the "pursue" option because from the looks of things, I can see that the guy ia genuine and you two might have something special so it's worth following up and giving him a chance, but DON'T play with him. Come off clean if you haven't already. Tell him a bit about your past relationships so he has an idea what he's up against but don't judge him for being different or acting similar to one of your exes. Every person is different and sure, some of our things may match, but that doesn't mean whatever toxic traits your ex (es) had, he would too. So if he's taking too long to reply or if he cancels out on one of your dates, don't automatically assume that he's seeing someone else or he's cheating on you. Maybe he's just busy with work or something else. Trust him, because that's important.

And coming back to what I was mentioning earlier, don't play games with his heart. Ask yourself if you really do like the guy or is it just a dumb crush which will blow over. If your feelings aren't genuine and if you end up breaking up with him later on because you "just don't feel it anymore" or "you got bored of him", chances are, you were never interested in him in the first place and doing this will only hurt him and he'll lose trust in you. For the most part, us guys are no bs people and for majority of the time, we'd rather our girls just came clean with us and didn't beat around the bush. If you don't like me, tell it to me from the start instead of taking my heart for a test drive and then saying "meh. I don't like it that much. I think I'd rather go back to the Civic I had before this."

[motownplayer2000]

Your hesitancy is a sign that you don’t want a nice guy. You want the guy that seems nice but will be like one of those “bad guys.” You just said it there he is nice and has all the attributes you want in a guy. And he respects you, and you still don’t really think he is the guy. Which means you don’t want really a guy to do that, you want some one to kind of treat you like shit and tell you what to do. Then complain about how they are jerks and all this drama and ask if you should dump his ass for all of that.


He is smart, now a days, you push to hard, and a woman may accuse you of harassment or assault (not saying that is you, I’m just saying that it’s happened before) so women see those that take that approach as not an man that takes control. He is protecting himself. Now women have to do some work in pursuing those good guys. Or forever be in a loop and ask, “where are all the good guys at…?”


So to answer your question, of course If he has all the qualifications you said you like. No, if you think you want someone that you enjoy more drama and all that game playing with. Don’t mess him up because you want to keep him at an arms length make a decision so you can both move on together or individually.

[TwiNshichamp1]

@motownplayer2000 I mean the guy should try to take things further but when he get un comfortability sign then he should take things slow. Not even trying makes things boring, I mean after some time of dating.

[motownplayer2000]

Yeah. I don’t trust women enough to do that. He doing the right thing. If she really want him, she can also pursue and have that conversation with him. She is the one that will miss out more then he will.

[letuswaltzforthedead]

I would say go for it, you've liked what you've seen so far, haven't you? Do be careful and try to move at your own pace, its obvious that this guy won't be perfect (no one is) but if you decide you can live with those imperfections even better. I think your hesitancy isn't a sign that the guy isn't right for you but a sign to be careful. You dont want someone who is going to waste your time but you also want the right guy, dont you? You still have time to decide on the guy, there's nothing wrong with being straightforward ans honest on what you want.

[Emerald55346]

It’s hard to say, you for sure shouldn’t feel like you should be with him just because you can’t picture anyone else, you should make a love list and see how many boxes he checks and girl make that list as long as possible focus on the more foundation and not cosmetic aspects tho. Dating should be fun do it until you find someone that you really like and admire don't settle.

[Ghostluck]

Other

Reason: You are clearly not over your ex. You have not logically justified your break-up with your ex otherwise you would fully understand that if he were perfect for you, he would not be an ex. Exes are exes for a reason... you have yet to figure out why that reason is, or else he would be easy to get over and move on. You are holding baggage, that baggage is not fair for the new guy trying to win your heart. He deserves a woman who will give him her complete attention and devotion, not a woman who is still hung up over and ex and comparing him to that ex. See, you and your ex have a history, he can't compete against that history because neither of you have built your own history together. So you are comparing him against something that he cannot compete against because he has no history with you romantically. That is completely unfair to him, and to be honest, it is unfair to you as well since you are still hung up on an ex and putting yourself through the difficulties of starting something new when you are clearly not ready for anything new.

Before you go trying to start something new, you need to fix yourself first. And right now, you aren't ready. Let the guy go so he can find somebody who will be head over heals for him. Sorry, but you just aren't it right now. That doesn't mean you couldn't be it, it just means you are holding on to something that no longer exists... he can't compete with a memory when you and he has never built any memories.

[Rab1901]

The only answers that make sense here are pursue or other.

You said "He meets all of my criteria." From what I can tell, the only thing that's holding you back is your ex who is an ex for a reason. On his end, he definitely likes you or he really wants to sleep with you or both. From your description, it seems like he genuinely likes you though assuming he's also aware that these dates really are dates because sometimes shy guys are unaware if the word 'date' was not used. Most of the time, if a guy really likes you, he will ask you out on dates and to be his girlfriend, but every now and then, a really shy guy can be an exception, and I fully support a girl asking a guy to be her boyfriend. You could also keep dating without a label until you're more sure this guy is a keeper.

If it doesn't work out with him, you can message me😉 but ughh I don't do long distance 😂

[Rab1901]

Now you have to tell us how you did it haha. CONGRATULATIONS!!! :)

[LilyoftheLake]

Thank you!

[GingerGuy]

Depends. A couple of things first, don't put that "pressure" on yourself or let your friends do that. There's no time table or rush! While (they say) that most women know fairly quickly, it doesn't mean it has to be the case or happen. Second, comparing to your ex is a HUGE thing you have to stop! Depending on WHY you're doing that, could make this question either "yes" or "no". Are you not completely over him for example? Really think about that and be honest with yourself. Or did he just "check all your boxes"? This guy you're dating, what do you feel, anything? While you don't have to decide yet if to make this long term (continue dating for a while until you figure it out), if you also feel NOTHING (no chemistry or spark, attraction etc) then no, don't continue. It's not fair to you OR HIM. But, if you do feel something, then just see how it goes.

[GingerGuy]

Another thing on your ex, if he was "perfect", also realize that this is rare, very rare. Nobody is "perfect" and the chances of that is slim. There's always flaws (even with your ex or you'd still be together probably?), so depending on the specific things here, you might be "expecting" too much from a guy you're dating? Just consider that possibility also (maybe not the case?).

[Smoothing]

I think it is not as complicated as you think. Pursue him but be gentle and done pushy. You already know each other which is a plus. Be gentle, tlae him slow but make your intentions known. One of the biggest mistakes women mKe is playing games. It takes you no where except in the hands of players and preditors. You want a nice guy? Continue being traditional. All these men saying nice guys don't exist, are douche bags setting you up for men looking to hit your pushy and quit it.

If it doesn't work out, accepti amdovevon gracefully
Don't become bitter remain who you are because you never ever did anything wrong

[WeirdoFriendly]

Seems like you need to stop comparing him to other guys you've dated in the past. Compare him to your standards. What do you like about him the most and what do you not like? Ask yourself if you would go long term with him and really think on it before you pursue. Only you can make up your own mind, not your friends.

And if you have made up your mind, why not get his opinion on a relationship as well? He sounds like a really good guy (from how you described him).

I wish you luck with him and perhaps your future relationship

[TwiNshichamp1]

Year you should pursue him and give him a chance. Guys are different maybe he maybe be the one you wanted for many years. Your instincts are the one holding you back because you haven't seen any red flags so far, you should keep it going and see what's happen.

[TwiNshichamp1]

@LilyoftheLake "He's kind of shy, so although he's asked me on several dates, it seems unlikely for him to push for anything further.".
Can you tell me what you talked about here? What you meant?

[LilyoftheLake]

I mean he's unlikely to try to propose a relationship - he hasn't tried kissing me, hasn't even MENTIONED sex, etc

[TwiNshichamp1]

@LilyoftheLake I get what you saying. Maybe you should make a move right? Maybe he is a bit Shy!!

[maximumpower]

Your "criteria" sounds like a shopping list. I don't think you realize how much this portrays you as very materialistic. If it's just criteria, you're in the relationship for the wrong reasons. All too late I discovered my ex played the same game. Result was ugly.

[LilyoftheLake]

Very true. I like him (I like him plenty), and I guess I was just clearing up the logical side of things.

[LilyoftheLake]

And, to be fair, he is pretty dang poor, but that doesn't really factor in for me.

[Lionman95]

I would say pursue because chances are that he´s equally unsure like you and therefore doesn´t seem to push anything further. Because he´s 21 chances are that your his first serious attempt to get a relationship and he doesn´t know what´s expected of him.

[dailyoctopus94]

Comparing him or anyone else to a romaticized set of personality traits in anothef person is wrong, and you're doing him and yourself a disservice. No one person is "perfect" or "perfect for you," rather there are ideal situations that allow for a agreeable set of differences.

Personally, I'd say you should take some time figuring out who you are and what someone can do to enhance your time on earth rather than using a checklist set by someone else whicj time has reduced in your mind to be "perfect."

[Screenwriter]

After five dates something should be shaking out. He's shy, so that's slowing things down and you keep comparing him to an ex it doesn't seem you're over... So there are two problems.

You can only solve your own issue. You could ask him what he wants to do and be honest about what you want...

And work on leaving this ex behind. It's not doing you any good.

[madgoat]

Sounds like you should keep dating him. I'm not hearing any down side at all other than your heebie jeebies.
Maybe you need to see more sides to him. Are your dates varied? Perhaps you need to do some activities with him, see him in different settings, take him out of his comfort zone and gather more data.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

A date is a date & the wonderful thing about dating is the fact that it gives you the opportunity to really get to know someone. As for you you’re going to be going on your fifth date with him & I say keep going on dates until you two decide to move forward or move on.

[Kabluie]

Hesitancy usually says it all, if you are very interested in someone there usually isn't much holdback.

[LilyoftheLake]

Is my hesitancy shallow? Or do you think it might run deeper?

[Kabluie]

it could run deeper, looking for things that previous ex had. It's never shallow if it's not good enough for you.

[DavidRaul]

I think you should go for it. But you don't really know if he will be the same as your ex or not. You should spend some time with him, i am sure he's not your ex. He meets your criteria. I wouldn't hold back if i was in your place. Its best to give it a shot rather than regret for rest of your life

[WhitneySnow]

Give him a chance. He sounds great! You may have to initiate kissing and getting sexual though.

[TwiNshichamp1]

@WhitneySnow yes, I think the guy wants to kiss her but he is shy initiating that kiss and I am like "Hey, go get that kiss son" 😂🙌🏾 it's the time to show some sparks lmao

[hafinjun]

It says your 22, perhaps your not ready for permanence. dont let anyone talk you into the relationship you're not ready for you don't know when it's time until then just be up front there's a nice guy but everybody likes to hear that I'm kidding no seriously if you're attractive 22 you got time let us know how it goes please

[MrPickles13]

It sounds as though you think it would be worth a go to see where things go. And it sounds that way to me as well. I get the idea that your hesitancy is due to bring hurt or something like that in the past in relationships more so if he's a lot like an exe of yours.

[Truthatanycost]

You're still into your ex so leave this guy alone. All of the guys saying you should pursue him... I've no idea what they are talking about. He sounds like a nice guy too... probably why you are hesitant.

[slatyb]

Isn’t this question the reason we date before marrying? To figure out if we want a long term relationship with someone?

[Jouth]

no that's not why

[slatyb]

@Jouth that’s why I date. I don’t know why you date.

[Jouth]

not that

[zagor]

It's not him, it's you. What are you looking for at this point in your life? Freedom? Someone to eventually have babies with? Adventure? Hot sex? Laughter?

[LilyoftheLake]

A companion. A lifelong companion, if possible.

[zagor]

Might as well try him out.