Guy troubles: advice?

[kylee2437]

Hey so I’ve been seeing this guy for just over two months. I like him a lot and we have something going on. We are both taking things slowly , but I do want a relationship, he said he wants one too. He’s great to me in person. He pays for things, he does hold open doors for me, he kisses me etc. I just can’t stand the fact of what he posts online. He posts, things about cheating , sex, etc. I have mentioned to him that it bothers me and he said that it’s only a joke and it’s not meant for literal but I feel like In a way it’s disrespectful towards me because his friends know that we talk and they see what he posts. I’ve came to terms that it’s something I simply can’t change and I’m not sure if I should throw away this situation or if I should just play it cool and stop letting it bother me. (Side note: I avoided him in the first place because of this specific reason but one day we met up and I loved his vibe in person)

[AmandaYVR]

In your initial write-up you mention cheating jokes. But in your replies to commenters your example is that he joke, "I still don't have a goth girlfriend." When you talked to him about it, he was receptive. He agreed that you screenshot the things you don't like. That's very amenable of him. Guys are single a lot, and they generally like looking at good looking girls/women, so I think this might be more about your insecurity in yourself than his comments specifically. Although I'm sure you've seen lots of comments and only given a couple of examples here. Guys want the cool girlfriend, who doesn't fall apart easily, get weirded out by things he does, and ideally be another friend he can have fun with, but with all the other huge benefits of a physical relationship, emotional intimacy, etc. If you learn to have faith in yourself, and him, and realize that the jokester has nothing to do with disrespecting you specifically, then you might be able to build a successful relationship with him (and other guys in the future.) Young guys are uncouth, sometimes rude and crude. They need to be civilized a bit, when they first start really dating and being in relationships. And girls need to go with the flow, have a sense of humour, and not personalize everything. That's the secret sauce.

[kylee2437]

I do respect this answer a lot. I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days and I do think everything does have a lot to do with my insecurities. Especially because he has treated me so well and he does care about me and it’s very obvious. I think it’s just that there’s no clarity of if he does want to date me. I have told him I wanted a relationship and he wants one as well. It’s just over two months have gone by and stuff started out so strongly and back then I felt like we were going to be in a relationship in no time, but then he said he wanted to take things slowly. I’m just uncertain and I think the uncertainess is making me feel insecure

[AmandaYVR]

That's very emotionally mature of you. You have every right to want to be wanted, and for your partner to be able to communicate his feelings clearly to you. But also, guys being reluctant to commit is a dynamic as old as time, and it's unfortunately something females will always have to deal with. Does he or does he not want me? Is he willing to give up others to take a chance with me, really invest in us? (I'm not necessarily talking marriage, just any kind of emotional commitment.)

Here's, perhaps, the good news - maybe he knows what's on the table, or on the line here. Sometimes being cautious, and slow, is not a bad thing. It might suggest that he is considering it all, and taking it seriously. It's often not so much the practical responsibilities (like is he gainfully employed or has an income that he feels comfortable with - that's a big benefit or detriment to guys feeling confident), but it's more about the emotional responsibility that they know will follow. They want to care about someone, but at the same time can also really fear that.

Anyway, let's not go too deep here, as the q started about crass jokes on the internet, lol, but with your replies, it broadens out the topic a bit more. He could also be used to being one way around his guy friends (and yes, his online image), but there could be a squishy centre in there somewhere, and that is the real risk to him revealing (or so he thinks.)

[kylee2437]

Honestly thank you on your insight. I am going to be a little softer towards him and actually apologize for picking at him for this because I did pick at him quite a bit last week regarding it

[melanieeeB]

Well behind every joke is some truth to it... also just the fact that you told him that it bothers you and he keeps posting stuff like that, is a red flag, cause if it's just a "Joke" he could also stop posting that stuff

[TwiNshichamp1]

@melanieeeB absolutely!! If he deeply love to post it, it seems he loves it. He should be clear of himself too, I think this is a Red flag!!

[Summeroflove]

Yeah I understand. Seems creepy. If you don’t think it’s meant to be. Leave it be.

There are a lot of disingenuous “nice guys” who aren’t being nice because they’re nice people. There is strings attached.

They feel entitled to sex if they do so much stuff.

If it bothers you. Maybe take it as. You’re not compatible. It’s not meant to be. Don’t be nasty to him. But I understand why it bothers you

[Guy13]

Passive-Aggressive bragger that is so bold as to think he can both do it, advertise it, and get away with it in front of your face. This behavior escalates the more secure he becomes. You are seeing tip of the iceberg...

You know this... live with it or get out now. No B and moaning if you stay. Good Luck !!!

[kylee2437]

I’m asking him out to dinner tonight and I’m talking to him just regarding where he sees things going.

[Guy13]

I hear ya... but that behavior during the "be a good boy" period speaks louder than words. Will be interesting... grill likes it is an interrogation...

[lightbulb27]

you have to address it. reality is in a relationship, things change.

what's valuable is exploring why he is doing this. and learning to communicate positives about relationship.

he needs to make changes, be patient, but do communicate.

[kylee2437]

I am kind of curious as to why he does it myself because I post funny content as well but I am I mindful of what I post because I know he sees my posts. Tbh I feel like it’s attention seeking a little bit on his part.

[lightbulb27]

in general, the social stuff is dangerous. here's a rule to keep in mind my wife taught me.
Communicate everything in love.
If he has other issues, he needs to get them out elsewhere talking to you, or counselor or writing, or a men's group, or God.

he has his reasons... underneath all negativity is negative emotions, sadness, fear, etc.. find the emotions from childhood controlling him. you're now a boyfriend therapist:)

[Brando10222]

If you aren't fine with something and it still bothers you it's a red flag. Talk to him again and tell him he shouldn't do it. If he really likes you then he'll listen to how you feel and will stop.

"DON'T AVOID RED FLAGS" especially in the beginning.

[kylee2437]

How do I word it without coming off naggy? Like how would you want a girl to bring up an issue to you?

[Brando10222]

If it was me then I would love if the girl brings it out straight and respectfully says "hey, you are doing this... and it's making me uncomfortable a lot. I don't like it".

If he really cares about you and your feelings then after the convo about it he will say something like "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I will stop posting those things".

If he doesn't do that then even in future he's not gonna always give a fuck about what you think and how you feel. Actions matter girl! I know you like him, but he's showing red flags already.

[kylee2437]

It’s so hard for me because I do love the person he is in person , I just can’t stand who he is online. I was honestly shocked when our first date went as well as it did because of who he is online

[Brando10222]

I know its hard. But remember people can be good on the face. But as you know the person more you know how he/she really is. Even if he's good in person it's still the same person doing this stuff online.

[Danny_dan92]

If he’s talking about the topics in a joking manner that’s a red flag.


If he’s talking about those topics with criticism, and teaching people how to be better and make better choices that’s another thing

[kylee2437]

It’s a joking manner. I do think he means it to be funny/ isn’t serious but I feel like my feelings aren’t being considered

[Danny_dan92]

Cheating most definitely is not something you joke about.

Especially since it is one of the leading causes of divorces

[Danny_dan92]

Here’s a little story.

My last ex and her sister’s HUSBAND. Would dm each other on IG sharing memes about these kinds of things. Like infidelity and cheating and getting your side pieces pregnant..

Turns out? They were fucking. So you take this how you please

[kylee2437]

I do agree but it’s beyond that. He posted something about “if you listened to Hollywood undead, you are entitled to a goth girl friend” And his caption was “I still don’t have a goth girlfriend” it just makes me feel like I’m not a priority

[Danny_dan92]

I listened to Hollywood undead and didn’t ever think this.

Yeah maybe

[kylee2437]

But then in person he shows signs that I am his priority and that’s what kind of throws me off

[kylee2437]

And it’s basically what is keeping me stuck in the middle of things

[Danny_dan92]

Physical touch

[kylee2437]

No. He pays for things, we go on dates, he even apologized for not seeing me this week and corrected it by making plans that same day, I have met his friends, he has planned going on a double date with his friend and his friends girlfriend, he has held car doors open for me before

[kylee2437]

Like yesterday we went out to eat, only he ate already at home and still paid for my meal.

[kylee2437]

So this is where I’m stuck

[Anonymous]

You are never going to find a perfect guy so if this is all that's wrong with him then let him have it. It might be how he gets off instead of porn.

[Mtbgirl]

That is totally disgusting and disrespectful. He should take into consideration your feelings.

[BarryLiverstone]

In addition to his jokes does he also posting wholesome things and post about your relationship with him?

[kylee2437]

He does make it known that we talk, but he also posted something about goth girls and he was like “I don’t have a gothic girlfriend yet” and like I don’t think I look gothic lol

[BarryLiverstone]

Right., I was just confirming that he posts other things and that people can judge him (and by extension judge you) based ok what he posts. This is the part he misses when he tells you “they are simply jokes”; he misses others seeing them and feeling negative towards both of you. So wanted to start there and ask if you explained that and see what he said in response?

[kylee2437]

I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide me though too lol but I feel like he’s already disregarding my feelings by saying “they are just jokes” I think I’m going to mention to him that I’m not trying to nag him about it, I’m just trying to feel things out about him because I feel like I’m disregarding my own feelings/standards by pretending like what he posts doesn’t bother me.

[BarryLiverstone]

This is a tough one because clearly he feels like things posted online don’t reflect on him irl and doesn’t affect his character. Jokes by their nature can be offensive to anyone it just depends on how far the jokes go. But he may feel censored or trapped if now he has to consider you every time he wants to make a joke or every time he replies to something online; that’s only going to force him to feel resentment.

So I’m trying to brainstorm a compromise. See if you like any of these ideas:

1. He creates a new online account that allows him to joke around and doesn’t tie back to him as a person, anonymous kinda

2. He adds a bit of a disclaimer mentioning that he isn’t serious and that he is just joking around

3. You all agree that if in fact he has posted something too offensive he will edit/remove it based on your request.

No he shouldn’t hide you and it sounds like things are going well so should celebrate and encourage you online

[Anonymous]

You can ignore this for sometime but trust me this will keep on pent-up and the day you bring it up in future might not be good for this relationship so its best to keep things clean right from begining

[kylee2437]

I have brought up before that certain posts bothered me. We came to agree that anything I don’t like I should screenshot and send to him but I don’t want to come off like I’m picking at him

[Opinion Owner]

Can i suggest something, dont take it in wrong way?

[kylee2437]

Yes please do

[Opinion Owner]

Nobody is perfect and nobody gets a 10 on 10 in life, so if his qualities out weight his social media posts problem you should ignore and try to make this bond stronger so that in future he may understand it and stop posting on social media

[kylee2437]

Definitely didn’t take it the wrong way and honestly, that’s what I’ve been thinking myself. Feel like I just need to be a little more non chalant to it kind of for now

[Opinion Owner]

You are on right track and plus you both are taking things slow for now, so go with flow and remind him of your disliking in a subtle way when he around and in good mood 🙂

[varan69]

Social media is always gona ruin stuff for you so put it on the side or delete him. Worry bout you and how they treat you

[Bigjake1019]

That’s a hard one. Because it seems like he’s not going to change either

[kylee2437]

Yup. That’s what I’ve came to conclusions to. I do like him in person and that’s the reason this became a thing in the first place , but it’s one of the reasons why I avoided him. I’m so stuck in the middle

[Bigjake1019]

Well what do you really want?

[kylee2437]

I just want him to at least give an ounce of respect when posting, like I don’t mind him posting his jokes, but just keep me in mind. It’s just really hard because I do like him in person but I feel like at this point if I mention how I feel regarding it’s, it’s just going to come off as nagging because I’ve already mentioned it

[Bigjake1019]

Yeah some guys don’t think when posting and that’s a bad thing and you’re right but he also needs to respect you

[kylee2437]

Yeah I agree. I just don’t want to come off naggy when we aren’t even together. It’s just been a rough few days for me because I’m stuck in between of so I accept this flaw because he treats me well in person or do I move on

[Bigjake1019]

Yeah I don't know what i would do

[Bigjake1019]

Try just talking to him again about it

[kylee2437]

I just don’t want to nag him about it either though bc I’ve been there with my ex and it pushed him away. It’s honestly the one and only thing that bothers me

[Bigjake1019]

Well I respected my ex more when she didn’t give up

[kylee2437]

Didn’t give up in terms of what though? Lol I don’t want to give up but I also don’t want to take disrespect

[Bigjake1019]

Well I was doing stuff she didn’t like and it took about 6 months and 10 times of her telling me that she didn’t like what I was doing for me to stop

[kylee2437]

But why didn’t you listen the first time? Like I feel like things should only have to be explained once

[Bigjake1019]

Well honestly it was something I wore and didn’t see why it bothered her any because it’s not like it was hurting her

[LazerBean]

Toss trash where it belongs.

[kylee2437]

The only reason I haven’t is because he does have good aspects to him

[LazerBean]

So does the empty ice cream box in my trash can. doesn't make it any less trash.

[kylee2437]

Yeah if that was the case, I would’ve threw him away but he’s not all the way trash. He does pick up restaurant bills, he holds open doors for me, he apologized for not seeing me and made time for me the same day, he works A LOT, and he does make it known that we do talk. he’s very chivalrous, it’s honestly just this that I don’t like

[LazerBean]

So stuff he's supposed to do anyway? Minus not finding infidelity humerus.

[kylee2437]

Well the in person stuff is better than what I’ve gotten from pretty much any guy.

[LazerBean]

That's too bad.

[Anonymous]

You love his money. Now deal with it.

[kylee2437]

No I don’t like his money, I can provide for myself it’s just a bonus that he does actually pay for things. It says a lot about a guy when can. That’s not how me and his journey started out buddy

[kylee2437]

When he can*

[Opinion Owner]

And when i'm broke and can't give i am stingy and unwanted. But that's besides the point.
Your boyfriend comes as a whole package with the upsides and downsides. I reckon you told him that his behavior disturbs you and i hope you told him that directly instead of metaphorically. Assess if it's something you can tolerate, get used to or not.

[kylee2437]

He isn’t rich and was actually homeless at one point lol I do have more money secured than him, I know for a fact. It has nothing to do with money. To me, if a guy picks up a bill or offers, it says a lot about his character, which is why I said it’s a good quality of his. I do overall enjoy the person he is in person and that was my bottom line.

[Opinion Owner]

So? What are you aiming for?

[kylee2437]

Made it known from the start I wanted a relationship

[Opinion Owner]

Alright, i had to see this twice. The best way to go about it is to make it clear to him you want to be in a relationship with him. Don't try to wait for the prefect moment to kiss him or something. Life is short for these kinds of things. The worst that can happen is rejection. There is no hiding from such risks.