Should I give up my standards and date men I don’t like or stay single forever?

Question

Whenever I like a man, they don’t like me back. Or better, usually they flirt with me and lead me on and then let me know they don’t like me. The only guys who openly hit on me are guys I find physically unattractive and huge losers. As soon as a guy is interesting and handsome, just flirting. My friends tell me if I’m unhappy alone it’s my fault because I’m not giving a chance to the losers. Should I lower my standards? Do the cool ones not like me because I come up as an ugly loser too?

RavVid · Accepted Answer

That is a difficult question that really only you can answer.

Maybe your standards are unrealistic. Certainly you can see youtube videos of girls with highly unrealistic expectations - like a fairly obese mother of three wanting a man who earns 500K I saw recently. Maybe they are contrived for fun. Dunno.

There are stats that you can use to rough up the probability. What percentage on men are above your minimum desired height? What percentage of men earn more than your desired minimum income? What percentage of men in your desired age bracket are single?

Say a third of men are single and a third are of a suitable height. That leaves 1/9 or 11% as suitable. About 17% of US men earn +100,000. So if that is your standard you are down to 1.8% of men. Throwing more required attributes in will reduce the pool further. Maybe 1/3 of men have sufficient empathy - now it is 0.6% of men. Some attributes might be contradictory. An empathetic, caring alpha male.

That's a fairly small pool of men. Realistically you have to ask yourself are you in the top 1.8% of women?

If you aren't, than you have to ask yourself what attributes you are willing to compromise on to get you to a realistic %age of suitable man pool to fish in.

Your standards are your standards so the choice is up to you. But I would advocate thinking about your minimum reqs.

Final point. A lot of guys flirt for practice. I do. It doesn't mean they are very serious.

chicosuave · Accepted Answer

its funny how most people say that you should keep your standards but really why are most women single now in days? cuz their standards and expectations are super delusional. if you keep it up then you will join the 40 percent of single women in the country that are still thinking they will find that prince charming. there's a lot of 40 year old single women everywhere its becoming super ridiculous and its sad. but wait its all about independence right?
Its all about being strong and independent for women. Yet studies has shown that women are more depressed today then women 30 years ago. Where did that go? I don't know i guess feminism and the brainwashing propaganda women get fed by the media. In the long run single women are the losers. You girls have so many options you are all blind on whats in front of you.

Yet a chad comes along then gives you a taste of his cheese but doesn't give you the full piece because other girls want a piece then you go chasing after it. its like a cat that chases what they can't have. Its best if you stay single forever because i already know you won't lower your standards. the person the lowers their standards to a certain degree then a lot of doors will open. Women always judge the cover of the book and not what's inside the book. Yet they deny whats in front of them. good luck.

Should I give up my standards and date men I don’t like or stay single forever?

LaFemmeFatale_1 · Accepted Answer

Don’t give up your standards.

2 months ago I had post-break up depression and was thinking I would never attract a man as hot as my ex anymore. I started dating someone a bit less attractive than my ideal male, it didn’t work out. He’s not a bad guy, he’s tall, looks nice, is rich and fit. He’s just not that attractive for me. There’s just not an attraction from my side.

Then all at once, when I gave up finding someone I’d like - I met two highly attractive men, both of them fitting my standards and both of them very interested in me.

Rosexøxø · Accepted Answer

Depends on who you will be happier with, and who you will be more successful with-

A settled-for guy,

Or

yourself.

Okay, I read the additional text…. Ugly and loser are not synonymous..

Character and beauty are varied.

Character is complex and self-image/appearance can be improved and maintained.

Work with your tools FIRST, before you start linking up with crazy people all over the board, lol.

Guy13 · Answer

Sounds like you need a pastor or counselor worse than a man.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

You have posted anonymously wth no picture of yourself, so how would we know whether you look like an ugly loser?

Moose304 · Answer

I am a man and I get asked this question by females more than I should (or at least think I should). Every time I tell the girl to examine what your standards are. In today's hookup culture, there is so much junk and trash out there you have to really be careful when dating. I will tell you something I have heard older females tell much younger females. Some men's real beauty is under their skin. If you start judging men by their looks you are going to miss out on a gem. I'm 64 now. Years ago when I dated I did not pay that much attention to her looks. What I paid attention to was things like were her clothes clean. What condition were her teeth in? Just the simple things as I got to know her better. I once dated a female that had a really ugly gash scar on her face. She did her best to cover it with makeup, but it was difficult. I spent a lot of time with this lady because she was a hoot to be around. The natural life of any party. Was one of the best dart throwers I ever met. She also could make a Pool cue ball curve. I highly recommend giving one of these so-called "losers" a chance. One of my cousins did several years ago and found a fantastic husband and as far as I know, she is still happily married to him! Look, you want to stay as far as possible from some snot-nosed kid still living in his parent's basement. These are the ones that can't hold a job and generally are not marriage material. Just examine your standards and make sure they are realistic! If they are STICK TO THEM! If they are not as realistic don't be afraid to make some changes. Oh and stay away from the "Chad" types. It's not a matter of if they will break your heart, but when!

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

I think a lot of women hold standards they don't actually deserve. Like the fat chicks that demand her man has a 6 pack abs.

A common one you'll see in public here on the internet the most, is the chick that has 3 kids, all by different daddies, and she's about thirty something now (maybe even 40 something) expecting some guy that's excelled in his life, never made any kids, has done everything right, to go for her when he could go for a hot 18 year old... it's like her brain doesn't understand Mr. Perfect doesn't want her. She'll be wrapped up in thinking her career and high body count is going to impress a man.

I don't know you and don't know if this is the case... but I hope you understand the point I'm making. Or at least try to understand it.

Just check your standards and make sure you deserve to be holding them. Like write it down and then research if you actually meet your own standards that you're trying to hold against men. Like not joking it's usually some frumpy chick with a gunt, septum ring, blue hair, and tattoos that's demanding a guy that is so clean-cut and well put together that you'd think he's running for politics. Some chicks are just not real with themselves and thus don't find anything real.

Fireguy17 · Answer

you need to stick with your standards.
otherwise you will grow to hate them and yourself for making a poor decision.
You will not be single forever.
At some point you will meet the person that meets all of your hopes and dreams.
So where do you go to meet them?
No clue.
My suggestion would be on some of the better dating sites, where you have to pay to join, not the sites for a hook up.
But one where you need to list things about yourself , what you are looking for in a partner.
The cost does help to weed out those looking for a hook up, but most people are there for the same reason, to find their special someone.
It worked for me, I was on eHarmony and met my wife there.
It took a while but we found each other.
I live in a rural area, and the closest town is pretty small, so the pickings are pretty slim.
That is why I joined.
I met a lot of very nice people, but until she came along, they weren't just right, something was lacking.
So possibly look into those and be truthful about yourself and what qualities that you are looking for.
It might take a while but if you are truly serious it might be a good direction to go.

Jendcheuebc · Answer

Girl no, you’re overthinking this. And you have a lot of time at your age so don’t give up and don’t listen to anyone. Keep up doing things you love to do and surrounds yourself with the right people. You only live once, don’t waste any time worry about future outcomes or people who don’t add value to your life. You’ve got to think better than this. You want to be happy and that won’t be with someone you don’t like that much. Just WAIT until you have the right connection. And stop reading sad things on the internet. Go out there into the world and adventure. I cut so many people out of my life like every month. Not because of superficial standards but because so many people are draining and negative and lack compassion. Do things that energize you.

monorprise · Answer

Like everyone else you were raised by modern media you were raised with a phony idea of market. Few men are so attractive, stable, charismatic, or successful as your brain wants you to think is achievable.

Those few guys you meet that are even close will have too many choices among other similar women to value the one choice you offer. If they are still on the market at your age then they are likely not loyal otherwise they would have been taken by anther woman they met long ago.

So frankly your friends are right, if even they recognize your being too picky its likely because you are.

blueonblack22 · Answer

Well  never hold someone to a higher standard than you hold yourself.  The line about you calling all guys who like you “huge losers” is not a good sign. Maybe a few of them are. But calling every guy you find unattractive (who likes you) a blanket insult like that sounds very entitled.  Again that might be warranted in some scenarios but no way does every single guy who approaches you deserves to be called that. If you have to realize that kind of judgmental attitude will result in fast and self sabotaging emotional based decision making. Take a step back before assuming the worst about someone.

OfMiceandMen · Answer

I would say, don't drop your standards to date what you consider to be losers, but you can't wait for the perfect guy either, as he just isn't out there.

At your age, I suggest making friends with some of these guys that meet say...80% of your criteria.

Also, consider this, a guy that is perfect and meets all your criteria likely meets the criteria of the majority of women in the world, so you are all competing for the one guy. Odds are he is likely seeing someone already, if he meets all girls criteria.

Therefore, if you drop your standards a bit, the guy can be very reasonable, respect you and he may treat you like a queen bc he knows your a catch. The other guy who is perfect, may not treat you like a queen, bc he is in high demand, and be constantly looking for someone else to satisfy his perfect criteria.

lightbulb27 · Answer

good writeup but tough call. It's a factor of how the interaction goes. don't assume it's all you, sometimes it's them. Attraction is two ways. don't assume guys know what they want and like. It may be they are doing you a favor by not wasting your time and you need to find better quality guys.

you may need to get more aggressive.

I turned down quite a few women, and I'm not saying was so great... just average, but walked away and it was because of my own self issues. I was also turned down by some.

without video, how you present yourself, pictures and such, hard to say.

BCA6010 · Answer

When a pattern has developed, the problem is either you, or you're looking in the wrong place (s). Why should a man date you? What exactly are your standards of attractiveness, and are they realistic? Do you just want flings or a commitment? Are you starting a family? Where are you trying to meet these men, and does that even make sense given what you're looking for? More often than not, the average woman has such specific criteria that it eliminates upwards of 90% of the dating pool (often higher).

Alaskan_123 · Answer

Do not lower your standards for any men. They  will  bite you in the back.  I recently watched this video in which the people were saying that you do not need to lower your standards for anybody, even your friends. It's not your standards that are the problem, maybe look into  why  you are attracted to a loser. Childhood trauma? Anxiety? Maybe your subconsciously comfortable with the "losers." Whichever, I recommend looking into it, or finding a counselor and talking about it. There are many women who lowered their standards and went for someone they liked, from what I know, they are not happy with their relationships.

Anonymous · Answer

Are you a white girl? you can just get the guy overseas. if you are white get an Indian guy with his I. T. money. They like nerdy white women.

Or if you just want a good looking guy get a Turkish guy. They will let you know your place as woman, but they are very handsome men. Hungarian guys you can get. just go overseas and find the perfect partner.

It's called geomaxxing. That is what everyone is doing. And plus you don't sound like much of a winner yourself, so a guy who is winner is probably not going to want you here. But overseas you can get a similar partner with less trouble.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

"Do the cool ones not like me because I come up as an ugly loser too?"

Probably, based on your first 3 description sentences.

Ugly is subjective, cool is subjective, but if what you want doesn't want you, then you need to be a better person. You can start by not calling people losers, and finish by improving yourself.

Thats the best advice anyone can offer without you saying what it is you like in a guy, what kind of person you are, and what either looks like.

Anonymous · Answer

Sis, let me correct you. You aren't learning a lesson here. You got the idea wrong by mentioning standards. Standards are the rules that you should set on how people should treat you and what kind of people you would be comfortable in dating with (don't ever consider looks as a standard). Physical looks are simply physical characteristics of a person. It shouldn't bother you much if you really care about happiness. Most of the attractive guys are players because they think they can get any girl they want. You won't always find a true love with them. The guys that you call unattractive are actually the ones that who cares about how you feel. You need to be with a guy who treats you good. It's not necessary that he should look good. He can be anyone who treats you good, accept and be with him, your life will become happier

Anonymous · Answer

Well in all honesty you can’t have high standards yourself if you’re not on the level as well physically speaking. Can you say you’re really on that level physically speaking that can attract a man like that? That your cute, perfect body? Maybe Disneyland has distorted your vision of yourself physically speaking. Are you cute? I don’t mean are you cute according to all your female friends as well as male friends who say that to not hurt your feelings. I don’t know where you’re seeking these men, maybe change the location. If you’re like a majority of women chasing that 10% of men then chances are it’s not going to happen, especially at the age range you’re in. I’ll say 25 just to go by the lowest age range you’ve selected, as you get older men aren’t really looking for women as they approach their late 20s/30s. Not saying it’s impossible, your chances are just slimmer. What exactly are your standards for a potential partner?

Johnny4473 · Answer

Depends -
1. What are your standards for attractiveness.
2. What would make someone a loser for you?
3. What all traits are you focusing on and prioritizing?
4. How much ypur standards are based in reality?
5. And this is the most important, how can ypu make yourself good enoigh to be approached by the guys that you find are good enough for you?

And lastly I'd say, remember that most men are never approached by a woman and face rejection fairly often, even by women that they'd consider below their league. So, asking this particular line of question from men won't get you very sympathetic responses, but do try to ask yourself the 5 questions i laid out and hopefully it will help you navigate through this problem.

All the best❤️

The_Shadow_Dweller · Answer

More women are in higher positions than ever. But their mentality of preferring a superior man as compared to them has not changed.

You will be single and alone, both physically and mentally, if you don't change and unlearn yourself.

Think for yourself.

silvermoon84 · Answer

I’m not trying to be snarky, but define “unattractive losers”. If you mean deadbeat dads, guys that don’t work or pay bills, live off their parents or drink/get high all day long, players or guys that abuse women, yeah that’s a loser and I wouldn’t date him. If you mean that you simply don’t find him attractive, that’s fine. Don’t date him if you don’t want to but being physically unattractive doesn’t make him a loser. Sometimes the lesser attractive guys are actually the nicer guys.

Daniela1982 · Answer

If you settle and go with someone you know is a loser, then that will make you a loser too. A lot of people seem to ask this question, so I just show them this.  If you don't want to wind up with a loser, then don't date one.

Should I give up my standards and date men I don’t like or stay single forever?

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