Was I being passive aggressive?

[RavenWing057]

I need help figuring if i was passive aggressive or not. Full criticism is always welcome if I was.

Even over the weekend he said since I work Monday and he works Tuesday that I can come over one of those nights.
I was over Monday night, when I left in the morning he said he’d text me in a couple hours. I was the one who texted him first later at night.

He mentioned what he was up to that day, but never mentioned he was hanging out with his friend that is a girl…. she sleeps over a couple nights.
We’ve talked about it before and I’ve been understanding w/him about her as he claims they’re now just “friends” that don’t sleep with each other. Last time they slept together was 8 months ago. I do believe they are good friends (still insecure whether or not to believe that fully) but because he knows how I feel about her, I kind of felt he would’ve reassured me or just apologize that he misspoke.

We are not in a relationship, still in the dating process. But we’ve prioritized each other a lot. Been seeing each other for 2mths.

Am I wrong for wanting to walk away from this, or want to start seeing someone else? I really dont think I was being passive aggressive this time.
But please correct me if I’m wrong.

[bobalife]

:/ I don't know I don’t think he’s it….
Yeah you were passive aggressive. He was too. The fact that it’s just 2 months and you guys have a poor conversation where you both couldn’t talk to each other openly on how you of felt… but kind of attacking each other isn’t a good sign for early stages. I understand how you both felt upset. But I am a firm believer and learn from the hard way, if you don’t feel secure and safe to even be able to talk openly with the person you’re dating - I don’t think he’s it…
He also wasn’t very nice either.. like I get he’s upset feeling some of type of way.. and the way he was tryna win the talk reminds me of my ex. It’s just immature in my opinion. You weren’t accusing him. You just felt insecure and uncertain if you could trust him because you get like he wasn’t fully open and honest.
I think the mistake girls we make during dating for some time and emotions we invest in is being scare to be direct on what we want, how we feel, and what we looked for. Never be afraid to tell the person you’re seeing or decided to be with where you stand, how you feel from a loving place, and assert your boundaries in a clear and concise manner.
I do think he cares about you cuz he texted you again at the end. But I think if you really wanna try, you should just be honest that you know friendships mean a lot to him and you do respect it… but you also don’t feel comfortable and it makes you feel insecure that he keep hanging a lot with someone he used to hook up with. If he gets mad and make you feel bad about it, then he’s a red flag. The right person will be honest how they feel but also ensure you will be okay and how can you guys move forward together stronger and better.
Are they suppose to be close friends or besties? Cuz uh I don't know why he need to hang with her that much if she isn’t. I think it’s weird she will sleep over a lot when you don’t even when he’s dating you? Lol that’s weird. Don’t be afraid to hold your standards in a graceful approach.
I was in a similar situation before with my ex, I’m like nope. I was firm and honest where I stand if he’s gonna continue with me. And he knew. So he respected it. But of course I never felt good about the other girl cuz you just know there’s history. And it’s up to you if you cool or not cool with it, how you wanna go about it.

[RavenWing057]

I’ve really appreciated the honesty about me being passive aggressive. I come from an Asian family & our culture is very much that (passive aggressive). I’ve done a lot of healing, but I know I still have some work to do. I really thought I wasn’t being that this time, but I can admit when I’m wrong. In my culture, it is very hard to express how I actually feel without consequences. I’ll definitely have to try harder expressing how I feel without being worried about what will happen afterwards.

However, I believe it is time to end this and move on.

Thank you for giving me clarity!

[RavenWing057]

And thank you for making me realize that I had a reason to feel what I did.

[bobalife]

I totally understand, I’m Asian (as you can see on my DP lol) and I think our upbringinging/cultural does influence this part of us. However, I wanna empower you to be confident and use your voice. Communication is always key like the saying goes. But there also needs to be understanding and compromises. I think you’re on the right track to work on healing and how to make more improvement. I’m the same way, still working on how can I formulate better communication, healthy boundaries, and assertiveness.

I feel kind of bad if it discourage you to move forward with him if I wasn’t giving the right advice. But I think deep down, you know what’s best for yourself, what you look for, and know if he may/May not be able to offer that kind of love. Do you think he can or not really?

[RavenWing057]

Lol I didn’t check out your DP, but I should’ve figured from “boba” being in your name.

We talked about it yesterday again, and he agrees he was a bit mean. Seems like he’s been doing some thinking himself. I do think he is capable of offering that kind of love, just not sure how quick he’ll take action.

I think he could tell that there’s a huge possibility that I’m ending things soon. Seems like he might be making some adjustments.

[bobalife]

Hahaha no worries, boba is life 😆

I read your other msgs as well.. I wanna say sis, are you sure you wanna wait for him? I must ask, was that the first time he spoked you in that way and did he apologized for being mean? I asked this because I had to learn from the hard way that if yalls aren’t even official and he’s already showing some act of non-kindness.. that’s just who he is and “change” will take time. I also don’t like that after the talk about this female friend of his, he told you he’s not ready for commitment aka he may not ready to stop having her doing those sleep overs.. did he said he will stop?

I had to learn from the hard way, sure he can be great in many ways but if there’s something that he’s not trying to make sure you’re comfortable and secure, it’s still a red flag… it may just get worse after on. I’m speaking of bad experience with my most recent break up.

If he’s not gonna show commitment now and you feel like he’s “it”, then maybe tell him you wanna try again when he’s fully ready and right now you just wants best for him cuz you want him to be happy with whatever it is he needs to work on and show yourself the respect that you also want someone who show you he wants you and only you when he’s ready.

But I don't know, that’s only if you think he’s worth saying that too … I feel like the female friend is a red flag cuz they hang out way too much and the “sleep over” is beyond bizarre. Is she his bestie? If not, I don’t see why she needs to be at his place that much and yalls dating two months.. you should be sleeping at his place like that.. not her. Don’t make sense to me. I’m glad he’s thinking cuz he’s about to make the biggest mistake and lose you! You might just be his journey to wake up and show up in a way that a girl deserve.

[Anonymous]

The other women did a great job at answering your question about being passive aggressive, so I don’t really want to get into that. I mostly wanted to address the end of your question as to whether of not you should still date this guy, and my vote is to get out of that while you can.
I don't know if you just aren’t very experienced with men, or maybe you didn’t have a male figure in your life growing up to advise and instill knowledge in you, so I get how knowing what a good man looks is something you’ll learn over time. I’m not expert but I can guarantee a good guy would not have another woman spending the night at his house several nights a week and expect the woman he sees potential with to be ok with that. Maybe as a single man, but once the right woman steps in, he will do absolutely everything to ensure he won’t lose her and he would want her mind at ease. Not only does this man not do that for you, but it doesn’t seem like he has any intention of doing so.
Aside from that, it seems like your relationship is mainly confined to late night sex and texting all day. If I’m wrong and he’s taking you on dates and trying to get serious then I apologize. But I say all that to say this: you should want to have a man who prioritizes your peace of mind, just as you would do for him.
After two months you two should be damn near in a relationship if not in one already, because at this point he knows what he sees in you. So the fact that you’re still dating and taking it slow or whatever sounds like a great way for him to string you along. You can do better, you should want better, and don’t settle for men like him until you find it.

[RavenWing057]

Wow…you’re absolutely bang on about not having a male figure in my life.

The odd thing is that he does take me out on dates and is kind of doing all the right things, except for his female friend sleeping over. He’s been helping me a lot too, as I’m going through a hard time with other things.

When we talked about it the day after, he did say that he’s not ready for a committed relationship just yet. He wants to be a bit more mentally healthy first…I was a bit disappointed when I heard that.

He seemed quite worried after I said that I believe him (the not ready part). He could tell that it meant I will be seeing other people. I could tell it made him think about things a bit more.

But none the less, you’ve given me more insight.
I’ve been advised by a close family friend to not end it immediately as I’ve been under too much stress. And need to concentrate on other things first before making a move to end it. End it soon, but not at this exact moment.
I appreciate you explaining the timeline to me about when to be in a relationship if someone was serious about me. To not settle as well.

[Opinion Owner]

I definitely agree with ending it, but why does it need to be done so officially rather than just walk away? Something about the nature of this sounds like a breakup when it’s not, and honestly I would imagine you being more stressed dealing with that than separating yourself from this sort of man. If I were you I would just stop talking to him altogether, focus on school instead of putting yourself in a place to grieve a man who doesn’t deserve it. Especially after only two months. But if that’s what you want to do then it’s your course, and I hope the best comes from it ultimately indeed.

[Opinion Owner]

Also in regards to how he helps you, I genuinely think you make this harder on yourself by putting him in a position to where you think you need him — you don’t. I know feeling like you’re being supported and loved by a man is great, but you should be able to uplift yourself first and foremost. When he’s saying things like he doesn’t know when he’ll want a relationship, that should be you’re cue to leave immediately rather than breath anymore life into that situation.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you were absolutely being passive agressive. The whole three punctuations after a sentance, the ”funny how”, ”interesting that you said” all of it makes it pssive agressive. If you get mad or feel hurt then just say that. ”When I’ve not been told tell you’re going to hang out with X then I feel hurt and worried you’re going to cheat”. ”I misunderstood and thought you were going to work today, now I feel anxious knowing your with ex without me being told about it”. ”It makes me worried and overthink if you’re woth her if I’m sometimes not being told beforehand”. Statements like that makes it really clear what you feel and also what you need from him. The passive agressive ”alright”, ”interesting” and whatever doesn’t achieve much.

The whole argument is based on a misunderstanding. I don’t know what he said before but in the first message in the pictures he says he didn’t get called in. I don’t know if you read too fast or don’t pay attention, or if he told you something else before but either way you need to pay better attention to what it actually says in the messages. Even when he starts talking about tomorrow and then goes on to say you should come over after that you don’t get that he’s talking about tomorrow, that was pretty clear.

Finally and with all this being said, if he’s regularly, multiple times a week even, hanging out alone with someone he slept with before (and not even that long ago) it’s a big no. Huge red flag. You don’t keep hanging out with people you used to sleep with when you start dating someone new. It doesn’t work like that. It’s only going to create issues in the relationship and is incredibly selfish and disrespectful towards the new person. He really expects you to be fine with him hanging out alone, multiple times a week, with a girl he used to sleep with 6 months (so he says) before meeting you? Big no. Break up and move on immediately.

[RavenWing057]

Thank you for your perspective. I guess I don’t recognize when I am doing it. And that I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Something I need to still work on :(

And extremely thankful for what you’ve said in your last half of your message.

[Boomchakalaca]

Yea id leave him. No boyfriend material would hav a ‘girl best friend’ sleeping on the same roof. Thats just sus, but u were being oasive aggressive in the msgs

[RavenWing057]

I needed this. Thank you to you as well. I’ll definitely be having a conversation soon with him to end things. At 2 months, I’m starting to feel I’m wasting my time.

[RavenWing057]

His friend knows about me, and I’m pretty sure she knows what is going on isn’t right or respectful towards me neither. But he is the one allowing all of this.

[happyfoetus]

Why are you sharing ss when the text is clearly a conversation btwn you both.