Laid-back guys, what are your thoughts on other men who are proactive and enthusiastic with women?

[MzAsh]

I recently witnessed a guy I know get left for another guy. The first guy was laid back, minimal effort, never posted her on his fb, had her chasing him for everything she wanted in the relationship.

She got tired of being the one doing all the work for a bare minimum dude, so she straight up left him for a guy who completely swept her off her feet. I mean this guy is doing the most, and he’s the polar opposite of what she had, and you can tell they’re both BEAMING with happiness. He’s posting about her all the time, taking her out, on trips, treating her really well, and the energy is just completely different and it’s all over her face. The difference is striking.

I can’t help but wonder what the more laid back guys think about this when this happens to them. Was his interest just low or is he just lazy about showing affection to his girl?

[ShadezMcgee]

Depends how we want to look at the example here, Ash. Looking at the differences here it is clear what she wanted. She wanted to feel loved and her idea of love is her man posting about her on social media, constantly setting dates, taking her on trips, etc. Her idea of love was nonstop investment and work on his end.

So I will use myself as an example here because I consider myself a mix of both. I am private, I don't like making posts or sharing my adventures and love for my girlfriend online. Given our schedules for work it is hard to spend a lot of time together since she does nights and I have days. We have at least two nights a week where we do something together which includes dinner, video games/movies, pool/darts, and every other weekend it is something outdoors related if the weather is nice like hiking, maybe a Waterpark, going to the lake terrace, etc. We are saving money so we don't go on trips often.

Now, she also reaches out and proposes ideas as well we can do or try. Usually it is if she wants to try something new. Which I will entertain because I know it makes her happy, but within reason too if it isn't expensive.

Learning from past experience has made me more proactive, but being laid back isn't the same as laziness. Maybe the guy felt tired of planning everything and doing all these dates and got burnt out and spent a lot of money doing it to keep her happy. Maybe he felt it was better for her to speak up and act on what she said rather than assume what she wanted and only upset her more in the process?

Bottom line, this first dude was lazy, not laid back. There is a huge difference.

Plus, you witnessing this guy get left doesn't mean this is what happened. This looks more like an observation rather than true knowledge on what caused the breakup. There is always two sides to every story. So if we take this at face value, there was more focus to his passion for video games than his relationship or the communication style was also poor.

[StormChaser838]

Tantra says for every man there is a woman and visa versa, It's not laziness or the effort or being laid back. It has to not feel like an effort. If it's an effort, then the "there", is not "there". When you find the right vibe, the connection, it is automatically explosive. It comes from within. If you think that it is a question about a person not making an effort? That's a totally fool-hardy approach, because for how long will he make that FALSE effort. Ultimately it will come crashing down.
I don't think that this new guy is making an effort that the first guy was not. May be this new guy hits it off better with this girl, and if it's just infatuation, then the truth will soon come out.

[kylee2437]

I’m not a man but I will definitely say , she may be creating a pattern for herself. A man that automatically is super giving in the beginning will most likely turn into the guy that gives bare minimum effort later on. A guy that gives too much in the beginning is a love bomber. Although he may seem like a refreshment compared to the one that seemed low effort, I’m sure the low effort man started out the same way. Maybe I’m wrong and he is a blessing, but love is something that needs to be built and women should question a man that is eager to give out love before something is built.

[Grond21]

So well said! I am impressed

[WhiteBoyChill]

Honestly if a guy is willing to pour out his heart and soul for a girl he just met, that’s called being desperate and emotionally unprepared for a relationship.

[lightbulb27]

bravo!!

[kylee2437]

@WhiteBoyChill agreed! It’s based on impulse due to emotional immaturity and honestly people like this literally do that with everything in their life.

[DaveJord]

100% it is called call love bombing.

[Screenwriter]

If she had to chase him for "EVERYTHING" she wanted in the relationship, sounds like Mr. Chill was lazy, not "laid back." There's a big difference.

I don't need someone posting on FB and all, but inviting me to do things, as well as my inviting him, seems natural. If I have to do ALL the legwork, it'd be tiring and disappointing. IS this guy REALLY interested, or interested in ME being interested in HIM...

[Unit1]

I concur 100%

About that "If I have to do ALL the legwork, it'd be tiring and disappointing."
That is exactly how i feel about girls. When i feel i have to do everything and she doesn't Even text me once by herself? Except for saying "i'm not interested" there is nothing Else, that says "i'm not interested". That is why i'm single.

[Unit1]

there is nothing Else, that says "i'm not interested" more than not doing anything at all*

[Summeroflove]

Sometimes people aren’t meant to be. There is someone for everyone…. At least she left him and didn’t cheat on him or get married and divorced.


Whatever. Cut your losses and move on. It sucks. But…. You don’t want someone to pretend to be into you and they aren’t

[Summeroflove]

But if someone isn’t putting effort into someone. High chance they’ll loose tjem. Being laid back doesn’t mean being lazy

[DaveJord]

Sounds like to maybe the laid-back guy wasn't into attention seeking, emotionally needy woman.

[DaveJord]

Its called love bombing... and this woman might be susceptible to this this pattern of behavior because this had this need to feel constantly validated.

What is love bombing?
Love bombing is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them. It looks different for every person, but it usually involves some form of:

- Excessive flattery and praise.
- Over-communication of their feelings for you.
- Showering you with unneeded/unwanted gifts.
Early and intense talks about your future together.

Three phases of love bombing

1. The Idealization Phase: During this phase, your partner bombards you with excessive love and affection to draw you in and convince you to let your guard down. At first, it may seem too good to be true or easy to be swept off your feet.

2. The Devaluation Phase: Once you’ve let your guard down and get comfortable in the relationship, red flags start to appear. Your partner may try to exert control over you in a variety of ways. They may become more demanding of your time and get upset when you make plans without them. They may also try to limit access to your friends and family, and gaslight you into thinking nothing is wrong with their behavior. In the most severe cases, they may use fear and intimidation to get you to behave differently than you normally would and even resort to physical violence.

3. The Discard Phase: When you confront them about their harmful behavior or try to reset healthy boundaries, your partner may avoid accountability by refusing to cooperate and compromise or by abandoning the relationship. This can leave you feeling confused, disoriented or like you somehow failed to fix things.

[DaveJord]

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing/

[RangerBlue22]

She was attracted to the first guy because of challenge. Millions bucks she would have ignored the “proactive” guy at the time for that other guy instead. Reason being he was mysterious and acted like he didn’t give a f*ck. That turned on her female “cat curiosity”. She assumed he was of higher value simply because he wasn’t kissing her ass.

Now of course she failed to judge the the first guy at face value and she got sick of it. However she knew what she was getting into. So this new guy who is bending over backwards for her is obviously refreshing.

However my money is on her still wanting challenge. She probably get sick of this new guy rather quickly and go back to chasing some asshole again.

[WhiteBoyChill]

Why yes of course. She’s starved for attention and the new guy is stroking her ego

[RangerBlue22]

@WhiteBoyChill right yep but what’s her baseline attraction to?

Now the “laid back” guy might of overdone it or was never really attracted to her in the first place. But notice how some other girls on here use the euphemism “laid back” guy.

I bet this guy had a little bit of asshole in him. Not loud and aggressive asshole but the “oh your upset? well who cares” I don’t give a f*ck asshole type.

It’s sad how much this turns women on. Sure they eventually grow sick of it and will finally leave him. However it drives women nuts in the early stages and so f*cking hypocritical. Put the so called “laid back” guy at an huge advantage of other poor fools who do what women “say” they want.

“Women aren’t dumping when they are chasing.”

- Corey Wayne

[MzAsh]

he's addicted to video games. No mystery around that. Regardless, this is why I advise women against men who aren’t already what you want. Purpose driven women don’t need to be bothering with putting in extra effort just to get a guy to meet a basic standard of relationship behavior. There’s always better options.

[RangerBlue22]

In a perfect world @MzAsh you would be correct. Also women are naturally attracted to driven men. However they also secretly love the challenge of CHANGING men.

However the so called “eager beaver” men do two things for women: 1) they immediate satiate the woman’s attention needs. 2) they are of little challenge because the woman already knows she “has” him.

That’s not to say that women sometimes fall quickly in love with those guys. But the easily fall quickly out. Very quickly.

Again it’s the “cat curiosity” women have. The cat always seeks out the person in the room that is least interested in in. That doesn’t mean the cat likes being mistreated. But that curiosity drives it nuts.

Again I wish you were right but I’ve seen time and time again about women are REALLY attracted to in the early stages. It’s rarely the eager beaver types.

Also yes there is a time a man needs to stop with the mystery bs. But not in the beginning. And if there is no beginning then NOTHING will ever happen. The other guys don’t even get a real chance.

[RangerBlue22]

And @MzAsh also I’m wondering if “your friend” is actually you.

[MzAsh]

No it’s not me. I’ve been long time off the market. can't say who this is about.

[RangerBlue22]

Alright. I realize the above is a bit cynical. However I’ve had see way too much about how this goes down in real life.

When a man quickly gives a woman attention it validates a need she has. Ideally she will be happy and content with that. But she might also get bored or worse feel “smothered”. When that happens she quickly loses interest in him. Don’t deny that is the truth.

But if he’s acting mysterious then it’s going to motivate her to get more interest from him hence she will “chase” him if she’s already interested. Given that women reject way more than men this is obvious an ideal scenario for the guy.

However some men can go way too far with acting disinterested. He needs to reciprocate equally at some point (if he wants her to stay). I do agree there. But again the laid back won the most important battle and that is “getting in”. He didn’t get rejected right away.

I wish the world worked differently but I’ve seen this happen more often then it doesn’t.

[Lionman95]

Being a slightly laid back guy that's not in a relationship I would say it's a question of communication. Men especially laid back guys and women communicate differently. I would say the guy in this case is not necessarily not interested in her or lazy he might even have thought every think is fine since he's not talkative or doesn't feel a need to share moments of his life because for him having a good time is also possible when there's silence. But there are also guys that are different and more communicative and are willing to share their heart and interests.
The last kind of guys have it easier in dating since it's easier for them to connect with women.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Let him have her. I know what I'm capable of and I know I can keep it up for a long, long time which is how long I want my relationship to last.

If you're going to call me lazy because I don't pretend like I'm indefinately stuck in the 22 year old version of the honeymoon phase, then you were never really about longevity in the first place, you just want attention and a source of entertainment.

Which is fine, I'm all for the whole summer flame thing. I'm just glad to be finding out now and not when we have 3 kids and a house.

[OfMiceandMen]

Timing is everything... it depends on how long the laid-back guy and the girl were together. He may have been putting in the same effort she was towards the end.

It is easy for the new guy to look interested, because he's new? The test is time, give it a year and see if he turns into the laid-back guy or remains the proactive and enthusiastic guy.

I find you get what you give. If she is always looking for the guy to be proactive and enthusiastic about the relationship then she should be sure to do the same. It takes two to tango.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I've been left, but never for someone else, so I can't speak fully to this, but any woman expecting me to be posting her on social media is going to be sorely disappointed. I'm too busy for that noise. "Busy" may include playing with my rescue kittens or dropping off dry cleaning, or watching the garden for any weeds that may materialize through a portal, become self-aware and rise up against mankind, needing to be repelled by a rag tag group of heroes who overcome their differences to unite in the end against a common good.

Literally anything but social media.

[WhiteBoyChill]

Alright well for starters that new guy is an absolute simp.

That other guy should be lucky he’s got his hands free now from a woman he’s incompatible with.

”He’s posting about her all the time, taking her out, on trips”

I understand you self identify as a feminist. I understand you like the idea of women enjoying a more elevated status in society.

But not all of us guys want that. Some of us just want a more traditional woman who’s happy to be a supportive wife instead of some selfish boss babe type that just wants attention all the time.

So yeah, I wholehartedly reject your vision for this world even if I am still in the minority opinion.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@KrakenAttackin But tell me this isn’t the definition of female entitlement speaking here. She’ll probably call me an incel next. You wait and see

[MzAsh]

The new guy isn’t a simp. If there’s any guy who even remotely deserves a more traditional woman, it’s a guy like this - one who serves his woman’s needs and desires, who leads with humility, gratitude, and respect. Not the guy spending 6 hours a day online playing games or at the bar.

[WhiteBoyChill]

Uhm no. I’d rather be with a girl who can please herself over one that constantly needs me to shower her with gifts

[MzAsh]

I get that. I didn’t intend for this topic to be about gifts. It’s about effort. It’s about doing *something* to show affection. High effort ladies like myself know what it’s like to be doing the legwork while he enjoys the rude and I’d rather jump off a bridge before I get myself into that situation again. And that goes for friendships, employment, and family relationships too. Nothing makes us more miserable faster than one sided relationships.

[MzAsh]

Enjoy the ride I meant

[WhiteBoyChill]

You still sound way too high maintenance for my liking. Why should a relationship require effort? Its literally just suppossed to be bonding over mutually shared interests

[MzAsh]

That’s how adult relationships are. They take effort sometimes. Only teenagers are together to just bond over shared interests. When you grow up, you need more support. You need someone willing to put themselves aside in moments of need. You need to actually do things to maintain attraction and keep the romance alive. You can’t just sit on your ass like a child and hope to get by in your looks.

[KrakenAttackin]

@MzAsh. I agree as long as you include women in this statement.

[MzAsh]

Of course. I love showing my husband what I’m made of.

[KrakenAttackin]

@MzAsh. What I m am is the woman should be a full 50% of the relationship, not the usual 5% women normally give.

[MzAsh]

How do you think women are doing less because statistics show that men are doing way too much. Check out divorce attorney Dennis Vetrano’s statements on that.

[MzAsh]

Women are doing too much, and that’s why many initiate divorce.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@MzAsh More like most women can’t settle down with a man because no guy is ever enough to them

[KrakenAttackin]

@MzAsh. "Doing something"? How about all the shit that men do that women simply won't do, you know ALL the dirty and dangerous jobs around the house.

[MzAsh]

If they want equality, they should be doing those things too.

[KrakenAttackin]

BULLSHIT! MEN ARE BUILDING AND MAINTAINING THE WORLD. Men work much more dangerous and demanding jobs, work longer hours, have MUCH shorter lifespans, are more likely to die prematurely from work related accidents, more likely to become disfigured/ disabled, all while trying (and failing ) to keep Princess happy. Men literally work themselves to death trying to keep women happy and provide a lifestyle. Even without factoring the shorter lifespans, men work much harder than women. When you subtract the years men have relative to women, the already out of balance work load, becomes gigantic. Women have zero right to complain, none, nada, zilch...

[WhiteBoyChill]

@KrakenAttackin Lol exactly. And I love how the second a man becomes rich, famous, or successful, there’s a million women competing against eachother for that one man. Instead of just settling for a man on the same level as them, women always feel the need to just use whatever guy they can that lets them in.

[KrakenAttackin]

@WhiteBoyChill. True enough. Also remember @MzAsh. Is a "bikini model and life coach", two bullshit jobs for a hot female. She has had men simping for her BIG TIME since she was 14. All she knows is men slobbering for her attention so her view of reality is badly skewed... well to be truthful, her reality is just radically different than the average person, certainly the average man.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@KrakenAttackin Lol. I just can’t help but feel bad for her husband. Imagine having to deal with that

[MzAsh]

Hatin asses. I feel bad some of y’all around here are so miserable. Go do something.

[KrakenAttackin]

Tell me where we said something incorrect?

[MzAsh]

It’s the whole miserable attitude you’re giving. Like it’s killing you that someone else is happy so you have bring them down by insulting them. Give it a rest. It’s the weekend.

[WhiteBoyChill]

Uhm. No. Its more that you’re an extremely demanding women most men wouldn’t want to put up with.

[MzAsh]

I don’t want to put up with most men either.

[WhiteBoyChill]

But what makes you think you’re so special that most men are beneath you?

[WhiteBoyChill]

@KrakenAttackin The narcissism is unbelievable

[MzAsh]

I know how much and how long I’ve worked to get my shit together, maintain a healthy lifestyle and to become a quality partner in ways that most people never will even bother.

[KrakenAttackin]

@MzAsh. In your super-priviledged opinion.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@KrakenAttackin Exactly

[WhiteBoyChill]

And just because you worked “long and hard” I doubt you’ve put in anywhere near the same amount of effort the average man does

[KrakenAttackin]

@WhiteBoyChill. She is a young, attractive, western, white woman. She is a member of the most privileged and protected class of people IN THE HISTORY OF HUMANITY, and she and others like her still bitch.

[MzAsh]

I don’t deny that I have some privileges, but if you knew other details of my upbringing, statistically you’d expect me to be a divorced single mom with a drug addiction and dependent on SSRIs for basic function. Instead, I’ve learned from the mistakes of others and worked hard to keep my head on straight and put my best foot forward, be a good wife, daughter, sister, friend, and mentor.

[KrakenAttackin]

@MzAsh. Congratulations, you are a basically functional adult.

[MzAsh]

I’m also happy, which seems to be more than you can say.

[Jersey2]

I guess as a laid back guy it is no surprise that I don’t really care. Anyway, laid back doesn’t mean laid back guys don’t have great relationships. I dated a girl that I really didn’t care for although some told me to marry her. She was pretty, great in bed but I just didn’t care for her. I eventually dumped her after being together off and on for 2 years I would guess as she was looking for someone else herself and I was going into the Army for Basic Training for the National Guard. When I came back I met the woman I would marry and it was a trade up in every regard.

[NathanDavis]

I think there's a huge difference between being laid back... and being lazy and uncaring AF...

the rest is about compatibility, I believe...

because, there's definitely both men and women who are seemingly less intense, effusive and affectionate than others, and when two of this type end up in a relationship, well... that seems to work really well for them

I've seen couples like that to last for years and spend them fondly as well

[FilmGuy93]

I don't think anything about them one way or the other. I think it's sweet to see a guy trying to impress the women he's with, but I also think it's probably a bit of a waste of time.

Either she's feeling the vibe or she isn't... unfortunately, it doesn't seem like whether or not you try makes much difference.

[Rangers]

It must be nice being one of the few men who have enough time to do those things, since most of us have little time or money enough to do anything with her except on days off.

It's never a good feeling when someone leaves you for someone fortunate enough to be able to get by and more without working at least 50 hours per week, but that's life. Sorrow, hopelessness, betrayal, depression, and powerlessness are all we know

[roy_ricky09]

. Was his interest just low or is he just lazy about showing affection to his girl?

We don't care about all this.
We never want to post stuff, it's girls who make some guys do that.
About the other guy, he's giving her what she wanted... Who knows it's for his own gain..
Also... One goes 10 come...

[Truthatanycost]

Give it some more time. When her infatuation has worn off, she will move on again. My thoughts are they are wasting their time but i don't date and walked away from it all decades ago!

[NYCQuestions1976]

Posting on Facebook is an important part of a relationship?

Anyway, you're not describing a "laid-back" guy/person. You're describing a "lazy" guy/person. There's a big difference.

[SaltyBeaches]

Agreed, I don't think I even know any guys who have a fb.

This guys sounds lazy and/or uncommitted, not laid back. Laid back is a good thing in my opinion.

[NYCQuestions1976]

@SaltyBeaches Exactly. It's good to be laid-back. Always being intense with everything causes unnecessary stress.

GaG and my e-mail address are my only forms of social media. lol

[Rangers]

There's a bit of a difference between a lazy person and someone with depression.

Those with depression wouldn't demand the fruits of someone else's labor but rather just wants to feel joy. A lazy person sits down and demands the fruits of other's labor, especially the labor of someone who's depressed

[NYCQuestions1976]

@Rangers That's true as well.

[lightbulb27]

have to learn lesson there are other wolves out there and to protect your "flock", to understand the womans needs. I think they have to learn...

[Astarlessnightsky]

I hate those people dragging everything onto social media.

If i am the girl, i would choose a guy who keeps our relationship private.

[KrakenAttackin]

Women are group thinkers.

[SaltyBeaches]

Sounds to me he just wasn't into her. Glad she found someone who is.

Nothing wrong with laid back. I prefer laid back guys.

[CallmeTheKnight]

The first guy obviously views her for what he values in her…. Nothing. He’s not laid back, he has a lot of options and she was never gonna be a first choice

[MzAsh]

He didn’t have a lot of options. He was addicted to video games. That was #1 in his life.

[CallmeTheKnight]

He chose the game over a woman. Thats the option he had

[MzAsh]

One he’s regretting

[CallmeTheKnight]

It may look like that on the outside, but only he’ll know it’s regret or not. You can’t regret someone you never wanted

[exitseven]

I was not laid back but I was really shy around girls. A few times I really liked a girl but was afraid to make a move and watch her go out with somebody else. I really felt like a loser.