Guys, Do men feel threatened if a woman is older and more successful than them?

[Anonymous]

I was really hoping to rekindle a relationship with a guy who I like. He’s 38, I’m 44.

He told me the first night I met him that he needs to be in control. I don’t think he likes the fact that I have nicer stuff, more ambitious, a business owner, etc.

Even though he has a PhD and prestigious career, he doesn’t know that I make more money than him but he might suspect it. He was also taken aback that my place was nicer than his and that I bought my whole immediate family tickets to an NBA game.

His ex girlfriend is 30 years old and has been living in her apartment for 1 year but was just able to finally afford a bed. She’s been sleeping on the floor the whole time.

I’ve never thrown my success in his face at all. I just feel it’s like he wants me to be lesser than him, make less money, have less stuff, be less witty and funny, even though he says he’s looking for someone intelligent, with a sense of humor and loyal. I AM all those things.

[MrOracle]

In most cases, it IS a threat. The statistics bear it out: the single most common factor of a woman ending a serious relationship with a man is when she out-earns him. I'm not saying that exceptions don't exist, but they're still the exception, not the rule. Most women lose respect for the man if he isn't "better than her" in several ways that she thinks is significant, and when they lose respect for the man, the relationship goes very badly.

I could post literally hundreds of videos, where tens of thousands of women are asked about what they want in a man, and 99% of them want a man who out-earns them, among a number of other factors. It's very, very rare that women don't care about out-earning the man.

Essentially, you need to be honest with him up-front, but you need to assure him that it doesn't matter to you, that you are still comfortable following his lead and respecting him. If you can't or won't do that, then he's not going to go for it, because the risk for him is too high. He doesn't care about the money - it's the RESPECT that he can't live without.

[Asker]

Yes, totally understand. I’m in the minority of women who don’t care if I make more money than my man. I want to build him up. Hell, I was flirting with the bartender at a restaurant this weekend and we had a great conversation. He gave me free drinks all night, we laughed, flirted but when he found out I’m a business owner he didn’t ask for my number 😭

[MrOracle]

Anytime you are an exception to the rule, you have to EXPECT people to assume you are the norm, rather than the exception, and you have to make a point of communicating to them that you are an exception. This is true for things both good and bad about yourself. Setting proper expectations is a big key to success, especially with relationships.

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

Damn that guy has some ego regarding his academic success.

That guy is a control freak, I can tell you. I feel sorry for all his group members when he was learning stuff in universities.

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

You seem like an awesome woman. I don't know why nice people get weird people, generally.

[Asker]

Thank you! I appreciate that! Yes, he’s definitely got an ego, very arrogant and condescending too. I don’t even know why I fell for him. He seemed charming and nice in the beginning.

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

He does not seem to comprehend the simplest of truths.

"It is not about you."

I doubt he will ever.

[Asker]

Agree. I’ve been stuck on this guy for a few months. I need to move on from him.

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

Good for you that you saw through him early on.
Such people are rigid as heck.

I can tell you because I was one at a time. But that one line just changed me entirely. If he thinks with a broader perspective, he will get it. But I really believe he is frozen in his small little cube like world. Just like an ice cube.

[Asker]

Yea, he claims to be this philosophical deep thinker. He’s always bragging about his career as a scientist and how smart he is. But smart people never have to continuously say they’re smart and get people to realize it.

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

I read your other reply. He wants an 'intelligent' woman. Not a truly intelligent woman.

It is completely hypocritical of him, you know.

[Asker]

Yes, for sure 😊

[slatyb]

He's not the guy for you. He won't be comfortable with a woman he can't control through her economic need.

[Asker]

Interesting 🤔 Thank you! This makes total sense! I’m always trying to build him up and stroke his ego to give him confidence but he’s steadily tearing me down. It has taken a tremendous toll on my mental and physical healthy.

[Asker]

Health **

[Asker]

Also, I’m almost sure he wants me to fail. Makes me sad 😞

[slatyb]

End this yesterday. Then find a therapist and figure out why you stayed with him beyond the first date. There are men who would be happy for your success and not feel threatened. Have you tried dating online? It worked for me after my divorce.

[shades777]

threaten isn't the correct word, its just that women loose their ability to be submissive or feminine when they get what they consider success, also it becomes arguing ammo for them like anything else

[Asker]

I disagree. Not all women lose their ability to be submissive when they get success. It’s more the man feeling insecure. I’ve tried to make him feel like he’s amazing and stroked his ego but he lacks self esteem and confidence.

[shades777]

how can you disagree when you never been a man dating a woman

[Asker]

How can YOU say that women tend to lose submissiveness and femininity when they get success when YOU have never been a woman dating a man?

[shades777]

this question is for MEN, and i gave you MY answer

[Asker]

Thank you for your contribution. 😆

[shades777]

your welcome, see was that so hard

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're the one with control issues. I hope you work past this for your sake. Good luck!

[Asker]

Huh?

[Asker]

I totally disagree. I absolutely do not need to be in control.

[Opinion Owner]

You don't even see your controlling nature. It's just who you are. Most men, not all, just most, do not want to be controlled. You need to either work on curbing that a bit or find the men who don't mind being dominated. Based on what you put it sounds like it's probably the latter.

[Asker]

😆 Omg!! So I’m controlling because I’m successful? I actually would rather a man be in control in our relationship. I’m domineering because I’m ambitious? So funny because I’m rather submissive in a relationship. It sounds like you’re a bit insecure.

[Opinion Owner]

Look hun you came to us for help not the other way around. We don't need this s***.😆 continue what you're doing... clearly it's working.👍 have a nice da.🙂

[Asker]

Tell your mom I said hello. You probably live in her basement 😆

[BLP11520]

They should not be

[Asker]

Thank you for your reply. I agree that they should not be, especially since I’m kind and want to help people succeed.

[BLP11520]

A smart woman is an asset it makes a woman even more attractive

[Asker]

He says he likes intelligent women. I consider myself to be intelligent but it seems I make him insecure.

[BLP11520]

You are welcome, I can think of many examples where intelligent women are to be admired. My wife is smart with our finances

[BLP11520]

Also my wife is 2 years older

[Asker]

I’m not sure why he’d want to date someone living off their floor and not someone with their shit together. I’m not making fun of his ex’a situation but it’s weird to me. Especially when he has an established career.

[BLP11520]

I agree with you