My girl just shared some drama that happened in the family. Situation is already sorted out.
Me being me I was just trying to solve it or comfort her but that didn’t work. She wanted a different reaction. Matching the energy is fine I’m still trying to learn what questions to ask
For next time how do I go about asking questions that will dissect the situation to have a more satisfying conversation.
I'll be honest—I don't understand why this advice persists in society—females don't want you to offer fixes or advice, they just want you to listen. Why? Why is this the case? Why do so many men feel/get 'in trouble' for speaking? Why do so many females think that they should be able to vent and the other just listen, mostly in silence? "Women are emotional creatures." That just doesn't seem to tell the whole story. Or, maybe that's the problem—women want to tell the whole story; for some reason.
If we had more personal space, we could all go away from others and just yell to ourselves. But that's not usually feasible now that the majority of the world's population now lives in urban centres. And, really, I think someone being on the receiving end of that equation does seem to matter/factor in.
I'll speak for myself. I don't expect people to just listen, and take the brunt of my anger, frustration, or whatever it is. I never expect silence. Silence actually bothers me. Sympathy and empathy is nice. It feels good that someone cares what we experience and have to contend with.
If we remove the word 'venting', and sort of just use an 'x' in its place, here, we remove some of the certainty of what it actually is about. What is its purpose? It feels like it needs to get out. It alleviates some amount of pressure build-up, in a way. Assigning words to complex things is a way of processing, understanding. Getting feedback from others is another form of checks and balances. What do they think? Do they feel the same about it? Have they ever experienced it? What did they do about it, how did they handle it, how did it end for them?
I don't want men (or anyone) to think things but not say them. That doesn't mean that I will like what they think. But if they don't say them (ever), it festers in a way that is often delayed detriment to the relationship. People who are close, intimate, etc., do, ultimately, mostly, need to know what each other thinks; especially about each other. If we delay or omit these in perpetuity, I personally think it slowly erodes the relationship. I'm not omitting the concept of tact; not at all. In fact, more than complete honesty, I think tact is paramount to all types of relationships. Knowing when to speak, when to hold one's tongue is so, so important, integral.
So, for you, I am not going with most of the others here, and going to suggest to you that you should just listen, and absorb, and not be an active receiver or participant in that. In fact, what bothers me the most about my husband, whom I've been with since we were 26 and we're both 50 now, is that he is silent on something that matters a lot to me. He has a different personality. And this is probably the biggest divide between us (there will always be divisions) - he controls his emotions, and would prefer to tamp down others', including mine. He thinks if I'm angry or upset about something relating to the business of our life, whether financial or domestic or governmental, that him not reacting is what's best/preferred. But him doing that enrages me more, actually. It's a pattern that wasn't always there so dramatically, but has amplified our differences over the decades. What I want, when it is something that effects both of us (not just me) is that he shows he cares. Someone was about to screw us over financially, costing us tens of thousands of dollars in a very bad situation... you're damn right I want him to care about it; preferably as much as I do.
Now you might be saying, ok, but that's not my particular situation. My girl was just mostly venting about something in her personal life, with her family. It doesn't directly involve you, but it does indirectly affect you. She is looking for your support, yes. She wants you to care about her suffering. So, be empathetic. Offer a few "awwws" and condolences, etc.
But why should you have to listen and not say the things that come to your mind? You might have to ask qs to get enough of the story. But you don't have to just listen. This isn't reasonable for so many females to expect this. Females need to change. They can feel their feelings, but they can't expect others to feel them, or feel exactly the same. It's called enabling. And people don't grow when they are only affirmed, never questioned or challenged.
Men of the world—speak. I really think you should.
The only problem I have is that 9 times out of 10, peoples' suggestions are too simple for me. I've already thought of them. I'm a very introspective, thoughtful person, and I spend a lot of time contemplating social issues, and how to react to and communicate with people. The first thought, the obvious, is not going to be a solution for me. And in order to not be rude, and respond to their simple kindness, I need to then write or speak, in often a fair bit of detail, why that is not an option. And, for me, that just wastes time, and zaps my energy. And this happens all the time for me. But I've never heard another woman/girl say this. They say, "He should just listen. He should just know." No. "We are not mind-readers," men will say. But the woman is still upset.
I want your suggestions, fixes, ideas, feedback. If I write/talk, I want that. But I need your patience. A few lines or sentences is not nearly sufficient to then have a simple, off-the-cuff suggestion, or directive. I'm doing it again, here - I'm writing more than everyone else, and to me, this is only the tip of the iceberg of this never-ending conflict between men and women in society. It's not adequate to put it to bed. But if I talk, I care about that person, I'm including them into my world, and I respect them enough to want to hear what they think. Silence from them could end that relationship. I want your advice. But don't give it unless you hear enough of the relevant details. And in my experience, men lose patience quickly. Most feel like they are drowning in the words; or emotions. So, women need to simmer down, temper the emotions, use fewer words, be more succinct, and don't even both talking about it if it will be over and not matter soon. But those who stick around, and listen, and react, and support, are good men, good people. And they should get credit for that.
@AmandaYVR I read all of that. I hope I get credit. Lol
"They can feel their feelings, but they can't expect others to feel them, or feel exactly the same. It's called enabling. And people don't grow when they are only affirmed, never questioned or challenged."
I totally agree with this. And that is why this is on my list of red flags. I won't marry a woman like that.
@Jamie05rhs 25 points for Jamie. ☑
"The first thought, the obvious, is not going to be a solution for me. And in order to not be rude, and respond to their simple kindness, I need to then write or speak, in often a fair bit of detail, why that is not an option. And, for me, that just wastes time, and zaps my energy."
I'm the opposite, actually. If someone suggests something to me that I know will not work, I usually just thank them. (I pretend that what they said is helpful even though it wasn't.) Because I want to be polite and let them know that I appreciate their efforts. ... And also because I don't want to have to explain why they're wrong and get into a whole discussion about it. So it's easier just to "smile and nod."
Plus, like you said, explaining it is a waste of time.
Thanks, Amanda! 😀
The right approach in my opinion is usually to listen, and ask questions to clarify things and act supportive and like you are on her side. That is really 90 percent of it you don't need to give advice unless she asks. And if she does ask something like "do you think I was wrong?" or "am I overreacting?" just be aware she is kind of thinking out loud and wants a supportive feel you do not have to be 100% honest at that moment. JMO!
You can't control someone's reactions or behavior.
You being you... well she knows you... right? So she knows what to expect when she starts communicating certain things a certain way.
Maybe shee needs to be clearer, when she's just trying to vent. Guys usually don't do this, so we see it as a conversation, when someone starts talking to us. On eye level. You share your perspective, and I'm expected so share mine. Guys usually only talk to each other about things that bother them, when they can't help themselves, and are asking for help. Also, girls tend to be way more performative, giving off the impression of emotional distress, when it's actually not really that serious.
What she can do is tell you beforehand if she just wants to vent (monologue) or have a conversation (dialogue).
What you can do is ask her, as soon as you think of it, or as soon as you are unsure of what situation you're in, if she wants you to find a solution or just listen.
The problem with "just listening" is, though... from my experience women vent to get rid of their emotional stress. Guys tend to adopt said stress though, when seeing their girl in distress. And since guys tend to get rid of emotional stress by trying to come up with a solution, in order to feel less helpless in sight of potential oncoming stress, this can sometimes be an unfair deal. She loads her baggage onto you, but you're not supposed to get rid of it your way.
You have to find boundaries that work for both of you. If she's allowed to set expectations for how you should react to her, you're allowed the same. Usually, though, it's best to inform your partner of what their behavior is doing to you, and why you usually react the way you react. Provided you know yourself well enough. This way the other one knows and understands what to expect, and can try to improvise to solicit a different reaction.
Just like guys, a lot of times when people want to express their frustrations, they really just want someone to commiserate with. Immediately offering advice or offering to fix it yourself can just add to feelings of frustration (especially if some of the frustration comes from not being trusted, respected, treated as capable, or not having agency). Asking 'do you want me to help' can also imply the similar, but now putting them in a position where hey have to say yes or no.
Generally if you have a healthy relationship with someone, they should know already that you are there to support them if they need help, and give them advice if they need it. A good response in that case really is to just sympathize and make them feel understood.
If you think they might be looking for your help or assistance with whatever is going on, wait an hour or two until they've had a chance to calm down, and then let them know you're there for them if they need anything. No need to offer or directly ask, an opened ended reminder that you're there to support them is really more impactful because it also lets them know you respect their competency to do it on their own too.
Opinion
14Opinion
Best thing a guy can learn is that, most of the time, when a girl is venting, all they want is to be listened to. They don't want their problem solved. It took me years to learn that, and I still occasionally screw up.
So, to answer your question, just pay attention to what she is saying and listen to her. Don't offer any suggestions, unless she specifically asks you to.
If she is venting, she wants you to listen, and acknowledge and validate her feelings. It is very difficult for some people, me included, to not want to find a solution, we want to fix things and help our SO's feel better. Generally, when people vent they are just trying to verbalize what they are feeling in that moment, and also trying to calm down. So while matching her energy is fine, being just a step below her every time will help her feel calmer more quickly, so try slowly getting more and more calm as she goes and her emotional level will most likely follow until she feels better. Also, as to what to say, try saying things like "I understand," "I feel you," "that is completely fair," "you have every right to feel this way," "that is a completely natural reaction," "I'm sorry you had to go through that," "I'm here for you," "would you like a hug?", and "I love you" whenever appropriate.
Just let her vent. You don't need to do anything, and shouldn't. You can pretend to listen if you want, but you don't need to do anything more. No response is needed. I don't recommend walking out of the room during the rant though. That could escalate things real fast.
You're trying to solve a problem, she's trying to vent.
Venting isn't for solutioning. Venting is for the venter to get a cathartic release and for the listener, just be there to validate the feelings.
Recognizing her emotion is, itself, something you can do to support her.
If she asks for your help, then that's when solutioning begins. Until then, just listen along and support her. Poke in with encouragement or "yeah, [x] sucks!" or whatever.
Just listen. “I’m all ears honey…”
listening, take her issues seriously. don’t try to fix it like a car or computer. Next time… ask.. how are things going. Glad things worked out.
@knallpilz if you want a smoother relationship…it works…. Just that simple sentence.
As well, if one day, you have a daughter…just listen to her cry … if her pencil is broken.
“Tell me how I can help sweetheart”..
she will tell you.
You - ok…let daddy sharpen it.
All fixed. - no emotions…that’s fine…but no connection to your daughter.
Hehe.
I've learned, though, from experiences with my sister, that pretending to listen is the way to go. She called me every week, talked and cried for exactly 30 minutes about the same things, that were 50% her fault, and she always seemed confused if I chimed in to help her. She always felt better when I pretended to listen and let her talk.
Don't know if that's the way to go in a relationship, though. I wouldn't want to be a guy, who had to not take his girlfrfiend seriously in order for communication to work. I think a mature relationship should be on equal grounds.
Regarding the pencil example. Not every feeling should be validated. I'm a very sensitive and emotional person myself, and I know that while feeling inform you about the value you applied to something that happened, they often give you a false impression of what actually happened.
So it would depend on the age my daughter.
And I sincerely hop that no man has the same relationship to his daughter than he has to his wife...
Those are two very different kinds of attachment, and just because both people on the other end belong in the "woman" category, shouldn't be treated the same.
@knallpilz omg!! You just described my daughter and son.
You have so much patience for your sister!! She is lucky to have you.
I was at a lost how to handle my daughter’s emotions till I learned…but from time to time, we all have to kinda give her a “wake up call” when she becomes too emotional. I think only certain women behave that way.
I had to learn to deal with my daughter because I’m logical.
I have seen some women “like my daguthters personality) in front of the husband…they just yell at each other…(beciase the guy has no idea how to deal with that kind of emotions)
There are many who are a lot more compatible emotionally. We kinda warn our son to be aware of the type he picks when he gets older.
Like logical mom or emotional sister.
Sometimes us women don't want a resolution. We just want you to support us emotionally. Just saying "that must have been annoying" or "wow that's so rude of her" will give her all she needs.
Its easy... just let her talk... She does not want you to fix it - she wants you to listen. Remember its not about the nail...
https://www.youtube.com/embed/-4EDhdAHrOg
I like when someone tells me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear, and sometimes nothing but a listening ear will suffice.
I usually nod my head at the appropriate places while I am picturing what she looks like naked.
Just tune out, get some Led Zeppelin going through your head, while she blathers on about how Becky wore the same color blouse as she did...
Just sit and listen - don't try to fix the problem or diddest anything. She does not want a solution - she's wants attention and empathy while you listen very silently.
Be patient. Be a good listener. Give your opinion in a calmly manner.
just listen and don't judge the feelings of anger or hate that she feels toward her family
She doesn’t want you to solve anything. If she asks for advice, then that’s a different story. All she needs is for you to listen and that’s it.
Put her across your knee and spank her bare bottom until she stops.
Stop them every mid sentence with advice on how to fix their life. Trust me.
Be as interested as she is
Just listen. That’s what she was looking for.
No, people just hated who I’ve dated 😂
Be understandable, listen hear her out
Just listen, that's all you'd need to do
listen. that's all you need to do
Try to give her an ear
walk away!
Very carefully, lol.
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