I felt that I was too pushy/annoying with a girl and now I feel bad?

[Anonymous]

Okay so I went on three dates with a really nice girl. We seemed to hit it off but after the third date she said that she’s not really feeling the chemistry. I responded that I agreed and respected her opinion and feelings. I did however like spending time with her so after a few days I asked her if she’d wanna stay friends. She said that she was flattered but looked for a relationship. At which point I told her that I kinda misinterpreted the dates then as I felt a more friendship vibe. But I was attracted to her and felt that since I misinterpreted the situation maybe that was what messed up the chemistry. So I asked her, pointing out that I’m hoping that I didn’t overstep any boundaries and/or was being disrespectful to her feelings and choices, but if she’d be done to give it another shot then so would I and that it is more than okay if not. She responded with saying that there’s no point in trying for something that wasn’t there in the first place and that she does not want to meet up again. It’s hard to judge from a text but it just felt to me that I overstepped a boundary and I heard her loud and clear so I’m not going to ask her again, that’s done and over. But I genuinely hate when people don’t respect a no, and I did it here so I’m feeling really bad about it. Was I the Ass hole here?

Updates

6 mo

Update: Thanks for the comments and help! :) most of you said that I should move on and not contact her further, that’s something I already decided as soon as she responded so don’t worry about it. This was mostly asked since im a bit of a people pleaser and felt shitty that I might’ve upset her and given off a sour impression. But like you guys said, sometimes you can’t control everything and that’s fine. Thanks a bunch for the help and I wish you all the best!

[SueShe]

You are not in sales and don't do a sales pitch to try to convince a potential customer that your product is better than the one from the competitors.

If after the 3rd. date, she feels that there is no chemistry to warrant a long term relationship, then you should have accepted it and not tried to give the impression that you needed to justify your approach and correct it to suit her. That is bad analysis of a person's feelings.

Of course, I understand that you wanted this relationship to work and that you have realized that your approach was not ideal. Fact is that you failed to impress that lady after 3 dates. You should accept her decision and move on. Nobody speaks of being an a*****e but just about the chemistry was more a one-sided affair rather than a bilateral one.

[Asker]

Yea I’m getting this feeling too. I think it was mostly me feeling that I did misread and tried to fix it, but it definitely came across wrong. It’s not something that I’ve done before nor planning on doing ever again but yea that’s the situation

[Asker]

Also appreciate the comment, thank you!

[SueShe]

you are welcome and good luck.

[BlackBeauty90]

What ARE you talking about? He asked if she wanted to be "friends" on the 3rd date and she said she's not interested in being a cheap tramp for causal sex but wants something as a serious relationship.

Has nothing to do with "sales pitch" he was offering nothing a decent respectable woman would be interested in.

[Toriixlovely]

When it comes to that in my opinion it truly wasn’t needy or pushy. Y’all both felt the same way. But, for you to say you’ll like to continue being friends that was so sweet. Nothing wrong w/ asking someone that especially after finding out there is no spark. DO NOT feel bad. Every one & I mean every one messes up. Learn from it & continue to date till you find your person.

[Asker]

That’s really sweet, thanks for the comment! I definitely have the same mindset now in terms of moving on, so that’s good. I’m also trying not to beat myself up so much on this cause like you said it’s okay to make mistakes and it’s nothing major, so I’m trying to accept that I can’t be a people pleaser all the time which is a work in progress. I therefore appreciate the kind comment and help. :)

[Toriixlovely]

Yes, you’re so welcome!! Don’t beat your self over life. It is okay and honestly I’m right there w/ you. I have the same issue with “people pleasing”. It’s such a crazy process but it’s worth it. Sometimes we HAVE to be selfish for our selfs. Keep working on it. That’s all we can do.

[BadApple69]

No one can get into her head. You felt the dates went well but something in her head was a turn-off. It's my opinion the only thing you did wrong was something on that third date. She was will to go twice and even the third time.
On your part, if you thought the dates went well but she felt no romantic chemistry then wanting to be friends wasn't bad thing to ask.
Girls have reasons that men struggle to see sometimes. This is one of those times perhaps, but if it was me I would think about the conversations on that third date or did you do something wrong... I believe something shut her down hard. Give it some thought.

[Asker]

I agree with you, I also believe it was the third date. Cause I was unsure if she just wanted to be friends or not (should’ve asked openly), abs so I think I was very passive (unintentionally) which gave off a bad vibe or an uninterested vibe on my part

[BlackBeauty90]

What ARE you talking about? He asked if she wanted to be "friends" on the 3rd date and she said she's not interested in being a cheap tramp for causal sex but wants something as a serious relationship.

Has nothing to do with "chemistry he was offering nothing a decent respectable woman would be interested in.

[Sasha0426]

@BlackBeauty90 You need major help.

[BadApple69]

@BlackBeauty90 it wasn't the third date that he offered friendship, it was after. Read a little more carefully. He sounds like a decent guy just confused because 3 dates in she pushed him away. He is just trying to understand.

[Sasha0426]

@BadApple69 She made this comment to almost everyone’s replies. She’s either a spammer or a psycho.

[BadApple69]

@asker as for the 3rd date. It's my belief you start out going for the friendship and if you both like each other more will come. Don't worry which it is... When the time comes you'll know it. Don't be in a hurry or rush things. You are young and time is on your side.

[BadApple69]

@Sasha0426 my money is on Psycho...

[nonyabeez-wax]

Tbh, no. I think you were fine.

Also, ignore the one misandrist that's twisting everything to make you out to be the bad one.

In reality, No one was really in the bong here. You both tried to pursue a relationship, and when that didn't work out, you tried to pursue a friendship, and she wasn't interested.

Thats okay.

[Asker]

Thanks I appreciate it! I’m not pursuing it any further of course and it’s not something I usually do, but I’m typically a very introverted person so i don’t really do things like this which is why I’m kinda bummed that it might have left a sour aftertaste with her, and that I’m a bit of a people pleaser hehe

[BlackBeauty90]

She's a good decent respectable girl looking for a meaningful relationship

You're looking for a cheap easy sex tramp as "friends with benefits".

It's not hard to comprehend why she's not interested and why you're not attractive to her in any way, shape or form.

[Sasha0426]

Are you ok? You’re attacking him in everyone’s comments. Leave him alone and quit being a psycho cunt.

[BadApple69]

@Sasha0426 it seems @BlackBeauty90 hates men or decent men in any case I agree with you! She needs help AND she needs to learn how to read.

[nonyabeez-wax]

Found the misandrist...

[BlackBeauty90]

@BadApple69 ROFL 🤣 😂

[DarkWinterNights]

I probably would have taken the first hint, but I’m really good at self sabotage. I don’t see anything wrong with getting full clarification to be on the same page, especially after 3 dates. Good on her for being direct too. It would make dating so much simpler if people were straightforward.

[Anonymous]

You need to be certain of your worth. If a woman said she wasn't feeling it then her loss, goodbye. No begging, no pleading, no nothing. Once you know your worth, this naturally builds some level of attraction, and the rest comes from your personality, words, actions and the fact that you are not being a friend. Thus on the dates, if you kept things as a friendly conversation, or like an interview or played it safe hiding your desires or attraction then that is how she will see you.

[greyislife]

Friends or not if it aligned you both would have felt it. You asking to give it one last shot after explaining how you felt was not too far, so long as you don’t push any further.

[Asker]

No I wouldn’t write now, I think that would be taking it too far as well. Thanks for the comment and advice!

[Lady_Heart]

Its fine, at least she was honest about it instead of leading you on. I rather someone reject me right there from start instead of wasting of time for a whim

[Asker]

Completely agree, I’m the same in that front. I just misread the vibe

[Momma-404]

It just seems like you guys didn’t have that chemistry & that’s okay! Move forward & find someone you do have that chemistry with. How old are you?

[Asker]

Yea I’m definitely moving forward and it wasn’t a long relationship, it was three dates but she was a nice person who I enjoyed hanging out with and I think that she felt the same but just didn’t feel a spark so that’s that.

I’m 26

[BlackBeauty90]

What ARE you talking about? He asked if she wanted to be "friends" on the 3rd date and she said she's not interested in being a cheap tramp for causal sex but wants something as a serious relationship.

Has nothing to do with "chemistry" he was offering nothing a decent respectable woman would be interested in.

[nonyabeez-wax]

@BlackBeauty90 what are YOU talking about. Aside from stating he was attracted to her, where did he ever say that they had, tried to have, or wanted to have sex with this woman? He asked her to be friends, that doesn't mean they have to do anything more than play Mario Cart. He didn't ask her to fuck. How do you know he's not waiting till marriage? You don't. You're painting him as a man whore because HOW DARE HE offer friendship to a woman.

Go outside. Touch grass.

Not every guy is strictly after sex, nor does that mean he's not looking for a proper relationship himself.

If you've been lead to believe that being a man whore is how all guys think because of the guys around you, maybe you should stop hanging around garbage men.

Some men are man whores.

Some women are whores.

That doesn't mean all men or women are whores.

A guy offered to be friends with a woman, relax about it.

[Asker]

@BlackBeauty90 Since you’ve written several times I’ll respond just to put your mind at ease. I’m truly sorry for the experience that you may have had or been given that particular perception of men that make you write this, but I can assure you that not all men are like this and I am certainly not like that. I was not pushing for having sex with her, nor did I initiate anything as I was unsure if she wanted to be friends or wanted a relationship. The only thing that happened was that we kissed at the end of the second date, which she suggested and frankly she was way more touchy feely (it takes a while for me to be more open in terms of intimacy, but I don’t mind if that’s how others express their feelings and/or show love). I never hinted nor suggested that we should just have sex, and quite frankly just a casual thing is not something I’m comfortable with but rather like building an honest connection with someone, whether as friends or in a relationship.

I don’t know it you’re a troll or just lashing out, but in any case I wish you nothing but kindness and happiness.

[ChicoFromThe305]

We learn from mistakes, we have all say stuff we end up regretting at some point, if you have the chance or opportunity to fix the mistake then do it, no need to beat yourself up over it

[Asker]

I mean it’s done now, and I’m not gonna keep texting her or anything like that, I just really hate that I misread the situation and gave off a shitty impression at the end. We both had a good ending when she told me she felt no chemistry, and now I just feel like I gave a bad vibe (even tho I’m never gonna see this girl again, I really hate making someone feel this way or giving them that impression of myself)

[ChicoFromThe305]

I completely felt that, had something similar happen to me a while back, I tried to open up about some feelings and I gave the shortest impression, she blocked me and everything lol

It's why I said that if you can fix that mistake then you should go for it, really take the time to be able to express what you meant to say and make it clear so there's no bad blood between y'all, personally in my situation i sent her an email, I don't know if she got it, I made it clear I don't expect a response, I'm not seeking for forgiveness but to clear the air for my own sake, I can say that even with the uncertainty of not knowing if she received it or read it, I still feel at peace that I did my best to fix the mistake I made and I'd say if y'all are gonna cut the rope, if say try to make sure none of y'all are standing on it.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Id say*

[ChicoFromThe305]

Shittiest* not shortest

[Asker]

I get that. It’s just that I honestly dislike when people can’t take no for an answer, and I’ve truly always respected when someone says that they wanna move on or don’t wanna continue something. A no to me is the clearest answer. In this case I was surprised to learn that she was looking for a relationship and that maybe my misunderstanding of the situation made her think that I was only looking to be friends, which in turn might have fucked up the chemistry. I therefore told her this, abs asked if she’d be down to try again and made it clear that it’s fine and completely okay if she didn’t abs that I really wasn’t trying to be disrespectful with my question. But I do feel like it wasn’t my place to ask it so that’s the sucky part and where I’m more irritated that I might have upset her than anything else. But what’s done is done so there’s not really anything else to do about it

[ChicoFromThe305]

You can still clarify it to how you want to clarify it, not expecting anything in return but she can have the knowledge of where your mind is at, there's no reason why you should just leave it with misunderstandings, if you can communicate and clarify then no one can say you didn't put as much effort as you could to fix that mistake.

[Asker]

Yea I’m going for that mindset cause I didn’t mean no harm and it’s not like I pestered her or called her multiple times or showed up at her house of anything like that. It was one text afterwards but I just got the feeling that I left a bad impression and I hate doing that. But there’s a lesson from everything and this is certainly something I’m taking with me - communicate earlier and better instead of in this manner

[ChicoFromThe305]

Then it's settled, seems like you know what you are going to do

[Asker]

Yea absolutely there’s no doubt on that part. I’ve moved on, but I’m feeling rather shitty about it. Which honestly is a stupid thing to then ask strangers online about but here I am hahah

[ChicoFromThe305]

Well you are entitled to feel shitty I guess lol

[WhitneySnow]

You should’ve respected her decision not to go out with you again, but everybody else is also right in saying don’t stress about it, just move on and don’t contact her again.

[laraWM]

I know what you mean but it looks like her no was pretty clear

[Asker]

I get that. I think I just mistook the situation as being something that I did wrong and could fix. I honestly strongly believe that a no is a no, I’ve been in situations myself where girls have not respected this and been pushy so I’m really pissed at myself for kinda believing that I could do it differently

[laraWM]

I don't know it's hard to tell

[Asker]

It really is. But I’m allowing myself to make a mistake, and it’s not like I did something horrible, just came across as pushy. But it’s still annoying 😅

[laraWM]

Yes it's true

[RedInnocent68]

She clearly wants to sleep with you… Not! Give your head a shake and leave her alone. Not respecting her wishes now is being the asshole.

[sumhngguy]

The third time? Bro, if you didn't have a decent kiss session that went on for a handful of minutes on the first date - walk away. Church is on Sundays.

[Anonymous]

“It’s hard to judge from a text.”

If you know that, why are you texting?

[Asker]

No this is from the last text after I asked if she’d wanna start over. I told her then that I get what she means and apologised for being pushy. We unfollowed each other and that’s that. But I just felt that I acted like a dick when I really didn’t mean to