Girls, Been an idiot and looked on boyfriend’s phone, would this bother you?

[Anonymous]

First off, I know I’m in the wrong and shouldn’t have looked. But there’s just a few things I’ve been anxious about recently and I’ve tried asking but he doesn’t really tell me much.

Anyway, I didn’t find any cheating or anything but I did see a Snapchat convo with a girl where a month before we got together she’d been sending him stuff which he’d saved eg loads of nudes, nude videos, dirty voice notes etc and they were all still in chat. We’ve been together since December but they were from just before then - I know it’s been ages but it’s the fact that a) they’re all saved and also b) she’s only 23, 7 years younger than him and I’m just suddenly super anxious that he probably still looks at it all AND he’s maybe into younger girls

they still follow each other on socials too

am I being super intrusive or do I have any grounds to be worried?

[IslaTheWitch]

You already was anxious before you checked his phone. What is happening now is your mind feeding on your fears and inconclusive data you delivered.

Be able to distinguish your assumptions from facts. Is he with you? On his own volition? Do you share time and bed? Do you have a deep connection? Does he cheat on you or you cheat him?

Those are facts. Don't answer those questions here, they are for you. Try go realize, what are things you are sure about and what are areas you feel anxious about.

And talk with him. Start with the things you are sure about and slowly explore the areas you need him to make you feel safe about. Just one thing at time.

And don't look at his phone again. It's not worthy

[Bearrrrr]

Are you kidding? Even though she’s in the wrong for checking his phone she had the intuition that something was up. It’s hard to just ignore that after finding another girls nudes on his phone that he wants to keep to himself without his girlfriend knowing. It’s weird and disrespectful and will drive her even more insane if she leaves that be. I would say for them they need to talk their issues out instead

[IslaTheWitch]

@Bearrrrr wasn't it exactly what I wrote?

[Bearrrrr]

You said to not look through his phone again which is a good idea but let’s be honest here he already broke her trust it would be almost impossible to not look through it again

[IslaTheWitch]

@Bearrrrr I don't see having photos and videos as breaking trust. She didn't write about any boundaries she and her boyfriend set, so I assume they never discussed it. What means each of them lives in their own world.

Checking phone won't solve it, only honest communication.

[Bearrrrr]

It’s making her uncomfortable and anxious and confused. She obviously is not happy about it and wants it to stop. I’m guess that this is a boundary that has been crossed. But you’re right she hasn’t discussed the specifics of boundaries. I would say not telling her anything was making her anxious then she had to go find out herself by looking through his phone. Only to find out that he didn’t want to talk about it bc there were nudes on his phone. I know checking the phone won’t solve. If I were them I would either work it out if it he still does shit like that then break up

[IslaTheWitch]

@Bearrrrr if the boundary was not announced it didn't exist. So now they have space to talk it out.

She won't remove her anxiety by checking his phone, so repeating it won't work. If she didn't talk about her fears, he couldn't know. It's so obvious that is painful.

Lack of communication hurts as hell, and only solution is to start to communicate. Her boyfriend won't guess or read her mind. She has to talk to him.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has done the whole phone snopping, being anxious, etc. It's draining, it lowers your self-esteem, gives you trust issues, etc.

He had to look me outta his phone. It got so bad. It's just the constant scrolling. He has a porn addiction and cheated on me a few years ago.

Please talk to him ASAP. Otherwise, you'll not only ruin yourself but your relationship also. by the way it's called pain shopping, and if you go onto Reddit, there are subs that can help!

[Asker]

This is so interesting - pain shopping is definitely what it is, thanks so much for sharing. How would you suggest talking to him about it? I will never ever tell him I went through and just looked at that - it's such an invasion of privacy and I feel terrible - but on the flip side, he told me he'd basically not been with anyone for a year before me and I've seen evidence now that he was at least sexting and sleeping with one if not two other girls shortly before me

[Opinion Owner]

My boyfriend is immature, and it is like talking to a brick wall. I would just sit down and say you need to talk to him about something urgent.

[Bearrrrr]

Girl you are 100% valid for being worried because why does he still have her pictures saved when he’s with you? If anything he should be the one having pics of you? And the fact that he tried to hide it from you means he know he’s in the wrong for that and doesn’t want you to know or see. Since this was before you guys were dating when they were sending pic I doesn’t count as cheating in my opinion but still is quite odd that it was only one month before you guys started dating. I’m guessing that’s when you guys were in the talking stage and he was receiving nudes from her. In my opinion this is 100% a red flag

[Gezbelle]

It's invasion of privacy but I understand it