Guys, Is he using me? He said he's getting to know me, but his dates feel very casual?

[Lalalove11]

I don't expect exclusivity so soon but I've been on about 5 dates with a guy. We had sex. I didn't hear from him for a week and he unexpectedly texted. I noticed the last few dates his listening and conversational skills were sub par. I felt I was pulling the weight. Conversation and dates were often sexual. I assumed he wanted something casual, even though he said he's looking for long term. When he texted I said I didn't expect to hear and he asked why. I ignored it as I was slightly irritated. He texted less than a week later today and said he didn't mean to offend me. I said 'I thought we were on different pages, you wanted something casual?' He then replied I still feel I'm getting to know you and we've only been on 4-5 dates. Well.. most of his dates he suggests to go to his house. I do not at all yet the vibe he's trying to get to know me outside the bedroom. I've suggested other outdoor stuff for dates but it hasn't happened. i just don't even know if I feel into him. Honestly I'm torn. Is he using the getting to know me as an excuse?

[Oliverlogan263]

Hmm yeah dude definitely sounds a little sketchy from how you described it. A few things stand out to me:

- If most dates are just at his place hanging out sexually, that ain't really trying to get to know YOU as a person, know what I mean?

- Him bailing for a week after hooking up is sus. If he was really feelin' you, he'd wanna keep things flowin'.

- Sayin' he wants something serious while actin' all casual doesn't add up dawg. Bros will say anything to get what they want short term.

- The lack of effort in deep convos and makin' plans for real one-on-one time outside the crib shows he ain't that interested in my opinion.

I'd be side-eyin' his "getting to know you" excuse based on how he's actin so far, feel me? If he was legit tryna date, he'd put in the work outside the bedroom too. Seems like he just wants you around for when he's tryna smang, ya know? I'd say keep it pushin' til you find a dude who shows you he cares beyond just chillin in the sheets, ya feel me? Don't let him waste your time sis!

[Lalalove11]

I straight up asked him if he thought it was going in an friends with benefits direction. All he said was 'dunno, that why need more time to know each other what you think'.
Just feel he's avoiding the obvious and using it as an excuse. I honestly don't know what to say to him but at least expected more effort

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah dude sounds like he's totally avoiding giving you a straight answer. That's never a good sign. And like you said, if he really wanted something more serious he'd be putting in way more effort by now after 5 dates.

My advice would be to just cut through the BS and give him an ultimatum: Tell him straight up that you're looking for an actual relationship, not a friends with benefits thing. Say the "getting to know you" excuse only flies for like 1-2 dates max. If he's serious about dating you for real, he needs to step up his game immediately - real conversations, planning non-bedroom dates you both want, making you a priority.

But if he keeps being vague and half-assing it, you're gonna lose interest quick. Doesn't seem like this dude even knows what he wants. You don't need that kind of confusion, feel me? Might be time to bounce and find someone who's actually excited to rack their brain getting to know an awesome chick like you. Don't let some dude waste your time, you know? Your call, but that's what I'd do if I were you, bro. Know your worth!

[Lalalove11]

Thanks. I didn't like feeling left in confusion and the lack of transparency especially after five weeks of 'getting to know eachother' . So I texted saying I think we should go separate ways, I don't want to pursue it further. He just said 'fine mind yourself'

I definitely got the vibe he didn't seem to know what he wants. At least I know what I don't want 👍

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn, good for you for standing up for yourself and not letting him string you along anymore! His lame "fine mind yourself" response just shows he's not mature or considerate enough to handle things like an adult.

I'm proud of you for seeing through his BS and not settling for less than what you deserve. It's better to find out now that he's not willing to put in equal effort than to waste more time hoping he'll change when he's clearly shown who he is.

Don't even sweat his attitude about it either - you made the right call for you and that's all that matters. Now you can go find a guy who appreciates you for you and is excited to treat you right!

This might feel awkward at first but in the long run you'll be so glad you didn't let some dude treat you like an option. On to bigger and better things from here - keep shinin bright, sis! 🤜💥

[slatyb]

"I don't even know..."

So stop wasting your time and meet someone you really like.

[firenine909]

He probably wanted sex but dating isn’t really as fun for him anymore