How to stop being a hopeless romantic?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

It makes me believe all people want the same as I do and I am susceptible to heartbreaks.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Just slow it down as I see it. I'm still very much a hopeless romantic but my tweaks rectified a lot of problems mentioned in this article:

https://www.brides.com/what-is-a-hopeless-romantic-5095882

>> 1. Your Romances Ignite Quickly and Burn Out Fast

I learned to love more slowly and reciprocally, never getting too far ahead in terms of emotional investment than the woman clearly had for me.

>> 2. You Have One-Sided Relationships

Thanks to the way I rectified #1, I picked SOs that reciprocated my efforts towards them. Arguably my wife even goes beyond me in terms of how giving she is when, in the past, I used to put in almost in the effort after a few months into a relationship.

>> 3. You Have an Overly Optimistic View of Love

Eliminate the optimism and replace it with idealism. Idealism doesn't come with expectations of reaching ideals, on the contrary we expect to fall short (that's why it's an ideal). For example, I idealize myself as being able to run as fast as Usain Bolt when I train for my sprints. That helps motivate me, but I know I'm never beating Usain Bolt; he serves as an ideal, not the actual goal; my only goal is to run faster than I did before.

>> 4. You Ignore Warning Signs

This has been a problem and might still be a problem if I was hypothetically dating again, but igniting the romance very slowly (even insisting I become very close friends with a woman before we even go on a single date) as I started doing in #1 largely mitigates that.

>> 5. You’re Obsessed With All Things Romance

Replace "obsessed" with "interested" and now we're good.

>> 6. You Lead With Your Emotions

Temper the emotions with rationality and we balance ourselves out. Philosophies like Stoicism and Buddhism as well as psychotherapeutic techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will let us identify and correct our cognitive distortions and guide us towards becoming practical realists and idealists and not impractical optimists.

>> 7. You Tend to Idealize Your Partner

That's fine. We're supposed to do that along with all human beings in general.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/loay2imHq5E

>> 8. You Have a Martyr Complex

Again Stoicism and Buddhism to the rescue. Learning about the dichotomy of control and focusing on mastering it means we gain maximum self-control.

>> 9. You Daydream About Love

Nothing wrong with that as long as we keep fantasy and reality separate.

>> 10. You Have Few Long-Term Relationships

Correct with #1.

11. You Spend All Your Time With a New Partner

It's worth being very content with your life (your friends, your interests, etc) before you pursue a new partner. It's natural to want a lover but you don't want to see the lover as making your life good. You want to see one as making an already good life better. If you already see your life is good, you won't dump all your friends and interests for a new partner. You'll maintain some balance.

[zeitgeist057]

+1 that video.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

@zeitgeist057 I'm a huge fan of Viktor Frankl as well as Logotherapy. It perfectly counteracts at least my tendencies to work towards existential crises and nihilistic outlooks.

[DagonbroughtMehere]

This is where I would say "With time and experience You will form calluses on Your Heart and Mind." but then I have nothing to loose telling myself that.

You are not falling in love with the other person, you are just falling in love with the “feeling of being in love” breaking that down all it is is Chemical reaction to stimuli.

The feeling of being in love and being loved by the other person, yes it can be a beautiful feeling and if you ask the person who's currently in that phase about how long this feeling will last.. He/she will say “forever”. Does it? No it doesn't nothing on the mortal coil does.

It's within normality to have romantic inclinations, and it's not wrong to embrace that part of yourself. However, if it is impacting your Emotional and Psychological well-being, it might be helpful to explore the reasons behind these feelings. Engaging in self-reflection and practicing self-care can all be beneficial in finding balance.

Accept the fact that we are all flawed, finite beings and its natural for us to get attracted to one another but that doesn't mean you have to act on it.

You see someone very charming and attractive.. You stick your eyes at them for a while and move on.. It's that simple.

Or You can condition yourself by asking;

What else do you know about him/her? You know the problems they have at home? Or maybe their dark secrets? .. Do you know something which is not showing up on their physical appearance and the way they present themselves? Looks can be decieving and what appears to be clear water to the lips can often be poison to the body.

Do not answer these questions here but give them thought;
Are you lonely most of the time?
What is a relationship to you? Social status? Tradition? Protection?
Do you fear remaining single all your life?
Do You feel every time that each time You feel in love it will the right one this time?
How do you say you are in love with the other person?

The choice is yours to make, Yahweh guide you.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I develop feelings for unattainable men and then I feel hurt for them being unattainable.

[DagonbroughtMehere]

Then perhaps your only escape from this is to be hardened against those feelings.

[zeitgeist057]

@LaFemmeFatale_1 "I develop feelings for unattainable men and then I feel hurt for them being unattainable."

One thing that has helped me be a little more mature/levelheaded (I am also a hopeless romantic) is to remind myself: "I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me."

So, for these "unattainable" men, if they have a chance to know you, you show them who you are, and they don't want you the same as you want them, then I think the next thing to do is remind yourself that a true love is one that is mutual, not one-sided. Just as you are not going to fall in love with someone just because they are infatuated with you, you can't expect it of others, either. I do think love can do a lot of things, and sometimes I believe just loving someone and showing them who you are is enough. But there are other factors as well. Timing, chance, luck, &c. It's better to keep your romantic side, but let it be free and unfettered by things like unavailable people who might bring it down. Let it go, and fly on.

[DagonbroughtMehere]

@zeitgeist057
Well put, considering True Love is platonic and has little or nothing to do with Romantic Love, however I understand what You mean.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

@zeitgeist057 @DagonbroughtMehere Thanks for the advice to both of you

[DagonbroughtMehere]

@LaFemmeFatale_1 You only need thank Me if it works.

[Yahoo13]

I'm the same way. You want that magic and sparks. It's good to have those things within reason. I think part of our problem is we go in very heavy at the start and miss or ignore the red flags. Especially if you have a spark instant zap moment. Its easy to get ahead of yourself and put the feelings in early but then it makes it harder to not go full head over heels in when you miss things. You want the other person to feel the same way you do about them and its usually not the same. I think it's fine to still be romantic and want those things but to go slow. I've entered toxic relationships and found it so hard to leave since I've put so much into it and didn't get the same love back. Also ignored so many red flags or looked the other way because I adored the person looking back I wish I'd made more of a deal of it then. Most people like us a little naive, innocent and kind and caring so we have to protect our hearts a little more. Make them prove they are worth us. They should meet us at least half way. If not please don’t put more into it to try and make them love you more. It makes you more invested and hurts you more.

[devilish-cutie]

You need to think more with your brain and be rational. Cold hard facts without sugarcoating and with logic. Yes, you can fall in love and it can make the world feel magical but you need to firstly start from something logical thst it wpuld lead to that. When getting to know someone try to be realistic on sssesing how they are without assuming they are just as you are. They will tell you hoe they are, you just have to listen and be logical about it.

[MrOracle]

You need a rational person in your life to call you out when you do this - someone who cares about you and has your best interests at heart, but who is also street smart and logical.

It's good to be romantic, but not to the point where you are naive and gullible. That's how you get used. And you need to get it out of your head that you are going to find a person who is everything you want - that will never happen. You have to prioritize the important things (morals, values, and life goals), knowing it's likely to be at the expense of top looks, status, or money. If you do anything else, you are going to get used, hurt, or both.

No one gets everything.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

My brother is that kind of person.

[MrOracle]

Well, then, when you are vetting a guy you think you like, go to your brother and have him give you a sanity check about the guy. That's going to improve your outcomes significantly. You may not like who you have to pass over - there will be guys that you find VERY attractive but who lack morals and values and you will have to filter them out - but overall, you will be much better off.

[ohsheeT]

No no never stop doing that because one day it'll all work out and it will be the best thing ever do you know how many people that don't even know what that even means being hopeless romantic

Do you know that there are so many people that have not even been kissed or touched in a romantic manner they don't know what it's like to be coming one with somebody.

In life we can only love to what we have experienced and I said you have probably experienced love in so many deep deep ways so you'll never ever going to lose that you will always be hopeless romantic because it's beautiful and you love that feeling when it happens I say never even try to stop don't even think about it just keep moving forward and one day it will come to you or you will run right into it

[OlderAndWiser]

Oh, my dear, why would you want to stop being yourself?

[AviatorTom]

It's cruel but it will work... Get in a relationship with a guy you despise.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t despise anyone

[KrakenAttackin]

@LaFemmeFatale_1. Um... did you already forget about me ,🤔

[Avicenna]

Focus on non-romantic things

[SolivagantRises]

Ah fuck! I used to be like one, hopeless romantic, maybe I still am. I just don't like to believe that I still am because it's not gonna help me during a heartbreak. Lol.

Yeah, I am not gonna tell you to not be one. You're like that not because of your personality but because of what you seek. You seek one true love/a very special bond with someone, so I am not gonna tell you to stop seeking that. Yes, we are more susceptible and vulnerable like this during heartbreaks but we also tend to give in our all. Yes, we might get hurt more than the others but then you've gotta let people help you, people who care about you, a friend or family, you've gotta let them be close to you. I didn't and let's just say that bad things happened. Lol.

I don't know what else to say besides this. I don't want people to stop believing in the idea of "giving your all". Sure, it doesn't sound very rational but it will also leave you open to many more possibilities/feelings that the others won't get when they leave their guard up. Pain/fear/loss will come no matter what (if it has to).

[Anonymous]

Well you are not alone. But one thing I noticed about hopeless romantics is they often (unintentionally) harm others but are so immersed in their own world they don’t even realize it. Or they find someone they like who presents the IMAGE of what they want. They fall in love with the fantasy of who they think the other person is.

Things to remember:

• You are entitled to no better then your equal. Do an honest inventory about yourself. What can you honestly offer someone in a relationship?
• Respect everybody whether you are attracted to them or not. Respect isn’t the same thing as attraction or likeability. It’s the mental effort of putting yourself in someone else’s position while at the same time judging your own needs.
• Learn to balance trust and optimism. If you don’t trust anyone then nothing will ever materialize. But you can’t be naive either. So when meeting someone try to determine how much your feel good brain chemicals (or lack thereof) is impacting your judgment.
• Learn to forgive others for their transgressions while forgiving yourself. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting an incident or letting someone else (or yourself) off the hook. It’s letting going of the anger, guilt, shame, etc. Especially when nothing can be done about it.

[CalmUntilAbused]

The easy, but incredibly naive advice would be to find a man who is a hopeless romantic as well and build a relationship that will last at least till death do You part.

Given the progressing societal degradation that made people forget what love and relationships are about, though... I'd say... Contemplate. Every. Single. Situation. Analyze the implications of any strange occurence You notice. Do not allow Yourself to be easily swayed (but keep Your kindness, just don't allow Yourself to make any rash decisions). Personally, if I felt I'm losing my mind, I'd inflict some physical pain on myself to bring myself back to my senses (basically activating the fight-and-flight instinct), but even though there are ways to inflict such pain without causing oneself actual and lasting harm, it's still too hardcore of an advice to ever seriously give to anyone I'd feel a single trace of sympathy towards. Thus... Keep Your calm while making decisions. Take as many deep breaths as You need whenever You feel You're under significant emotional pressure until You feel relaxed and Your thoughts are clear and calm. Train Yourself consciously until those countermeasures are second nature for You. You can always (again, consciously) abandon them once You have already built that lifelong relationship I mentioned above. And yeah, You should absolutely aim for such a relationship. It's just that looking for one will take a lot of time and mistakes in these degraded Western societies of today, and it would be most unfortunate if one of such mistakes ruined Your life.

[Anonymous]

Consult prespecacious and prudent people you know of both genders. As guys probably won't know exactly what you feel but can give an advice, while the opposite with girls.
So consult both regarding the person you like or are attracted to or situation.

That way you let things off your chest, and get something done as well.

Also, awareness of things makesus quite more less sensetive I'd say 🤔.. or maybe emotional.

Such as understanding past experiences allows us to "accept" it as it was just part of the past and you now know how to read it / what it meant. I here mean bad experiences.
*It turns into experience more than a continuing feeling.*

I usually find women hurting because they don't understand the nature of man. Yes, invest time reading about a man's mind, types of personalities.. etc.
Each time search about something specific when you see or encounter it.
And be extra patient and thoughts filtering any nonsense information or resources.

I personally study girls that way as I'm quite a bad-tempered one, the more I know and understand them, the calmer I am and able to take a step forward.

And I always treat everyone as human first. Remains to know where to categorize that person -> experience as I previously mentioned.

Hope this helps.

[Peter_Penetrator]

If you go into each relationship with lower expectations, you will be less disappointed. Learn from each relationship and never give up. As you age, and the men you date age, then whomever you're dating will be looking to settle down and you will have built up a vast library, so to speak, of information. Those experiences will get you through the tough times in a marriage and toughen you up. You will also have had some bad experiences that will teach you, when married, to let the petty shit go. Henpecking a good husband is selfish.

[MsBrie]

Im using keys on this keyboard to make this easier to read so bear with me!

*Be practical with expectations he's human too.

*Communicate i can't stress this enough its the foundation to every good healthy relationships.

*Relationships are more joyful in the honeymoon days. don’t be scared or lose hope as soon as they are gone.

*Be optimistic.

*Don’t settle for less than what you want, a hopeless romantic often settles for less. so dont do this.

good luck hon. hugs! <3

[jshm2]

Put your head in a door frame and close it forcefully a few times.

Take something for the pain and sit down and think. You just listened and obeyed someone who didn't give a shit about you or your pain. If you are this weak of a person then are you really anyone others are going to see a point supporting, or being in a relationship with?

Only give a fuck about those, who give a fuck about you. All others don't matter, in fact they will either try to use you, or abuse you, as you are a weak person.

"Hopeless romantic" is just a nicer way of saying "emotional punchbag, free use sexual slave"

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

As far as I know I have never been a sexual slave lol

[shoeboxcerealcard]

If you want a romantic type of life then you are going to have to think that way and so is the person you pick. And the only way that is going to happen, unless unconsciously, is by you both talking about what type of relationship you want. And if his behavior isn't lining up then he is lying to you. It won't take long to find out.

Nothing is wrong with wanting romance like the movies. Guess what? If one can act like a romantic then that is proof. You just need 2 people who are conditioned that way which is beyond acting it's habitual. Or 2 people who want to learn to be like that.

Nothing is wrong with wanting a romantic relationship like the movies. You can have it. But you're going to have to cause it. It's not luck.

[imtiaz45]

To overcome being a hopeless romantic, start by examining the expectations you have for relationships. Challenge idealized notions of love and recognize that real relationships involve compromise and imperfection. Focus on personal growth and fulfillment outside of romantic relationships, pursuing hobbies, interests, and friendships. Practice mindfulness to stay grounded in the present moment rather than getting lost in fantasies of the future. Seek therapy or counseling to explore underlying beliefs and patterns contributing to your romantic idealism. Finally, be patient with yourself and allow time for change; breaking free from romantic ideals is a process that takes time and self-reflection.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/p75-GKaGkiY

[Mr_twoface]

Begin by focusing on developing a realistic view of the relationship. Balance your romantic ideals with practical expectations and invest both in self-growth and independence, and cultivate a well-rounded life with diverse interests beyond just romance and physicality. Remember, it’s about finding a healthy balance, not giving up on love.

[Miristheiss]

What is wrong with being a hopeless romantic? Don't stop.

But, you also need to be wise and cunning and smart. You've got to guard your heart and not give it away too quickly. You've got to have boundaries and standards and vet men properly. You've got to select strong men with a moral compass.

Sex and kissing and physical stuff will cloud your judgement. If you get physical too quickly your emotions, lust, heart will cloud your judgement and you'll "FEEL" too strongly and your heart will override your head and you'll ignore obvious red flags.

Be a hopeless romantic. Just move slow and be smart and choose wisely. Go slow, vet men properly and have standards and don't give your heart away too quickly. When you have found a good, strong, moral man, who has the same moral compass, values and goals as you give your heart away freely and love him with all you have.

[OtterMan68]

Try your best not to fall for guy too quickly. Get to know him first and see the compatibility. Remind yourself life is not a Hallmark Channel movie

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Very difficult lol

I either don’t care at all or I fall pretty quickly

[OtterMan68]

you just have to keep mentally telling yourself: "Slow down. Get to know him better."

[FreyaRed]

Drifting away into emotions and desires is a nice distraction but the mature person inside you should always know it's just childish desire to be loved. This desire will be never fulfilled even thought someone loves you, because the emotional child inside you doesn't want to catch the fluffy bunny it wants to hunt it.

[Lynx122]

You have to take a step back and actually look at how a person is actually behaving. They will tell you their priorities through their decisions they make. If you pay attention it won't take too long to understand a person and what they want, how they decide things. If you can't look at a person objectively then it will be difficult to break this cycle.

[LuminousMind]

@Lynx122 Hi I wanted to say that I really like your advice and wanted to ask if you could follow me so I could dm you for advice on a situation?

[Yannae]

Remember the heartbreaks when you're about to over commit.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am too optimistic to remember past heartbreak. But I will try.