How do you tell someone you're no longer interested without hurting them?

[lilyanony1]

For 3/4 years i had a friends with benefits with a international footballer. When he was in the uk we would hook up in his hotel and go and do things together. So it's was actually a friendship.
When he would be back abroad we would just text every now and then.
He had a really bad injury and is no longer able to play we talked a bit through that but he went into a really bad depression.
He applied for his visa and has now come to the UK.
He text me out the blue 2 months into my new relationship. Saying that he was here and wanted to meet up.
I met up with him as a friend and made it clear that I was dating someone new. He insisted that it wouldn't last and that he would wait for me as he was now ready for marriage and settling down with me.

I've been with this new guy for 9 months now. He's met my family, I've met his... But now this friend is texting again.
I told him that this was the real deal and he has also discussed marriage.

For about a week straight he's been texting me, pleading. In the beginning I was responding and just trying to calm him down but now it's irritating. This week has been particularly difficult for my boyfriend and I as I've not seen him since his birthday due to a family member passing away.
An issue we've had is that his life is full of drama within his family which consequently means although I'm trying to support him I'm left feeling lonely. He tries to keep me updated on things but it's happening so often that I'm kinda getting fed up.

This happening has really put me in a down mood. I'm not a cheater so meeting him is not an option. I've made it clear that I'm trying to give this as best a shot I can, it's annoying because he just knows what to say to make me feel guilty.

[blueonblack22]

“He insisted that it wouldn't last and that he would wait for me as he was now ready for marriage and settling down with me”

Red alarms across the board on that one. That’s extremely rude and egotistical of him. Maybe a part of you was impressed by his “confidence” saying that. But in reality that kind of ego stems from a very deep insecurity. He would likely would be extremely controlling.

You need to be straight up say “hey so and so I enjoyed my time with you. But I am in a relationship with someone else now and any further communication between us is very inappropriate. Please do not contact me anymore but I wish you the best.

I just can’t believe some women tolerate men like this. I’m guessing he’s at least in his 30s. He should know better.

Being a former pro athlete myself I know what it’s like to want to find meaning in your life. I went through a similar depression after I retired from competition. I also thought it was time to settle down with someone. But just because I was ready doesn’t mean I can’t expect someone else to magically be.

[lilyanony1]

Thank you for responding. I hear you. Knowing we've been friends I hoped he would respect my wishes. I don't want to hurt him but it feels inevitable because he keeps texting.
I'm not reading them, I'm also not responding. It's not a ghosting thing it's more just self preservation.
I feel guilty like I didn't say or do enough to make it clear the first time around. I'm not heartless. Maybe it's an ego thing, maybe he's rude but previous relationships didn't last. What's worse is that to my current, it makes my life seem messy and complicated which it was not. There are no other exs or flings lurking. I wasn't here there and everywhere, this was just a person that filled a void very infrequently. That I didn't think meant more than what it was because we discussed this and it was nipped in the bud early on.

[blueonblack22]

@lilyanony1 well you do have a role in this. And I think a part of you got a briefly got a feeling of validation from him still being in touch with you. Maybe not as much now but did leave the door open there for a while.

With that said what he doing is extremely inappropriate. But you need to shut the door with finality but with respect. You need to directly word by word say “I did enjoy my time with you and I think you are a good man. But I am in a relationship right now and it’s not right at all to be communicating. I realize that it disappoints and hurts for you. But I am going to ask you to respect my boundaries and to please stop contacting you. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you but we can not be communicating”.

So give him one FINAL chance to get the message respectfully. If he can’t respect that then it’s only more affirmation you need to block him for good.

Also given he’s an ex professional athlete I can relate to his mindset. He’s used to dreaming big and working hard on something to achieve. He’s used to taking more risks than most people are. He also has heightened emotions wanting things to be “larger than life”.

[blueonblack22]

But unlike sports, careers, etc. focusing on a relationship like his is now as a “goal” is not how the world works. Most women would consider him to be a stalker by now. But I think a part of you understands him to be intense and different. So you feel conflicted on your judgment. But most women are too wishy washy or too nasty in these scenarios.

Your best bet is to send him that message loud and clear while showing that you have respect for him. But if he continues on with this crap after you deliver that then it’s time to block him at all costs. If you see him approaching in public file a report with the police (after that message is sent). I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt but if he keeps up after that final message you need to protect yourself.

Feel free to DM me. I got some unique insights to this be a former pro athlete myself. He’s going through a transition phase in his life right now and that’s VERY hard. Not saying that to give him sympathy for his bs. But I understand him better than most.

[lilyanony1]

I have sent him one final message after not responding to the others I can see he has read it and he has not written back. I was very clear to him before about the current situation and made my boundaries clear. I deleted his number and I didn't make any attempts to contact him. When he messaged this time I was surprised because I thought it was a scam message as it was from an unknown number (not a contact) it was only until I opened it to check his profile that I knew it was him.
I also didn't give him any glimmer of hope nor did I like it. I was anxious and told my current immediately. I was honest with them both. My current recently lost a relative so I've not been communicating with him as I'm used to. We had argued and I was feeling incredibly conflicted. When he messaged me I told him this couldn't have come at a worst time. Maybe he thought that was the in but I made it clear that I don't cheat and I didn't want him to be a temptation. My relationship isn't perfect but I'm working at it, it's easier to dream and think things could be great but it's still the same thing with the friend as we've never dated, it would be about figuring out the dynamics in this new capacity. I'm at a stage in my life now where everything feels like hard work, and to me starting something new is hard work. Even if we have a friendship. It could be great maybe, it could be bad. But do I have the energy to find out... No!

[lilyanony1]

And that's why I know I've been honest and clear. He said he wanted marriage I told him I didn't believe him and it was a tactic to reel me in. There's never been a time where I've had to see him this way, I don't like it. It was making me worry which is why I wrote how do I tell him without hurting him. My mind was set and I was clear... Maybe you're playing devils advocate here I don't know but I know in my heart, even when he sent me a video I told him not to do it again. As I felt disrespected. Yes there's more to this but this is why I said it was for self preservation. I could have been cruel but out of respect for our friendship I didn't want to go there!

[blueonblack22]

@lilyanony1 well you have been more patient then most women nowadays when it comes to this.

I do not know what your final message was. But most women usually have a hard time of delivering it with finality unless they are being nasty about it.

But if you really did send him a message like that and he is still reaching out to you this is now stalking. Next time he messages you say “Dear so and so. I already directly told you my situation but are still not respecting my boundaries. If contact me again after this you may force me to do something I really do not want to do. This is your only warning. Stop it”.

At this point it is a HIM issue not a YOU issue. It might have been different if you were wishy washy, ghosted him and/or he had no idea you are now in a long term relationship. But he heard that loud and clear.

He had his chance. But this isn’t okay now. Unless there is something else you didn’t know about. But now it’s time to get tough.

Remember he is pursuing you out of a major insecurity he has about himself. It’s not really about you. It’s about him. He needs to get help. I felt sorry for him up to the point you leveled with him but he persisted anyway.

[lilyanony1]

Thank you for listening and being so understanding. I get for others it's a "just cut him off" type thing but actually you've highlighted things I was already thinking but just wasn't clear on. It is a him thing because I was honest. Trying to walk me down memory lane wasn't fair, and he knew what he was doing so I shut it down.

[Flatmanlewis]

I wonder if his “…ready to settle down…” has any correlation to the loss of this footballer lifestyle?


In any case, you tell people the best way there is to tell people: direct and honestly. You tipped off an insight into him by saying he knows exactly what to say to make you feel guilty which sounds like he’s a manipulator. If that’s the case, perhaps it’s a danger sign you should recognize.


If nothing else, even your continued conversations with him, be they by device or in person, certainly skirts the edge of some manner of cheating. I’m quite confident if your current boyfriend knew about your history and was able to read your current text thread with your friends with benefits suitor, it would not go through very well.


The suggestion I’d offer you if you were by sister or gal-pal? Put on your big girl pants and make a decision. You have recognize that as you travel through life not every person you develop feelings for will always have a special place in your life. People come - people go. It’s the way of the world.

[Anonymous]

If you lost both of them today which one would you miss more? That is the one you are attached the most to.
Sounds the footballer saw you as a comfort blanket and now it's been taken away. Naturally he's staking a claim.
If you are wanting to stay with your boyfriend, reconfirm to the footie you are in a relationship and bringing up marriage is not something you are interested in with him. If he's going to push you need to make your choice and be blunt.

[lilyanony1]

If I lost them both today I would be gutted, full stop. But as I always do I would focus on my pain and then what's next. I'm kinda at a stage in life where everything especially interpersonal is too much like hard work so I know, I wouldn't be looking back I'd be retreating and guarding. This current guy feels like my last chance, in the sense that I'll give it my honest best shot and if not going forward I'd remain single. It's too much for me. It really is. So I'd chose me

[Opinion Owner]

Good luck. I hope he's your one.

[PeachyPie93]

Just tell him you lost feelings for him and you are into your new guy. Block and its over lol. The only reason you would hang on to him as a "friend" is that is you want to keep a backup plan if it doesn't work out with your new guy, which is wrong. So really just be blunt and get rid of him.

[coachTanthony]

You go in for the kill and hurt them badly. Down the road they will respect it.

[blueonblack22]

Normally I would disagree but considering the context she provided on this one I would agree. This other guys literally said this about this girls relationship.

“He insisted that it wouldn't last and that he would wait for me as he was now ready for marriage and settling down with me”

That’s at best a horrible ego and more likely stalkerish/control freak psycho.

Most women would have blocked all contact by now after hearing that. So why is she still talking to him? A part of her likes the validation and drama. Not that at ALL justifies what he said. But she still has a role in this.

[SomothErgai]

Him being pushy and trying to emotionally manipulate you changes things. A lot. About how I would say you should go about this situation.

But, that's not the question you asked. You asked, If I may rephrase it a little, how to tell someone who believes you're into them, that you aren't, without hurting their feelings.

The short answer is you can't. If someone has their feelings wrapped up in the idea that being with you is a possible future for them, there is no way you can possibly tell them to give that up without it hurting. That's one of the tough things about relationships. Sometimes, if you want to be honest and not let someone believe there is a future when there is none, you have to hurt them.

There is just no other way around it. You could do what a lot of people do and Ghost him. It will probably be easier ON YOU to do that to him. Out of sight out of mind and all that. but make no mistake that is every bit as hurtful, if not more so, than simply telling him the truth.

Now, with him trying to emotionally blackmail and manipulate you and being a pushy arrogant asshole, I would say who gives a shit about all that stuff I just said. Someone being a dick loses them the right to your consideration as far as I'm concerned. The easiest and least emotionally draining solution for you, In my opinion, is ghosting. Just drop him and move on with your life.

Also good on you for not cheating. that deserves more praise than most people will give. good job

[lilyanony1]

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. I have sent him a final message and even translated it to his native tongue so that the message carries I bit more weight. I can see that he has read it and not responded. His number is deleted. So that should be clear enough really. I don't expect to hear from him again but you can never really be certain. I just won't respond should that happen again.

[Keyboardkat]

See, this is one of the reasons I am SO AGAINST the "Friends with benefits" scam, because you see, as human beings, we are naturally emotional creatures. And the feelings stirred up by good sex can be extremely powerful and binding. And as much as we like to say we can be in control of our feelings, you can find yourself in a bind where you are starting to really fall in love with your friends with benefits. If the other person feels the same way, that's one thing, but too often, as here, it is not that way, and your heart can get broken badly, or, as here, HIS heart is being broken by you, and I know you didn't ask for this, and you didn't intend it. But that's the way we humans are.
You know, when you think about it, there really was something to be said for the old values. The late radio psychologist Dr. Joy Brown used to say that a woman should have two things before she agrees to sleep with a guy: A ring, and a wedding date." There's too much baggage this way.

[lilyanony1]

I think he is reassessing his life. It probably made sense to him to come and be with me because I have mentioned being ready to settle down or I at least thought this was something I wanted to start working towards. When he was playing football although it wasn't impossible it wasn't at the top of his list. I got that. And this is why I looked elsewhere. When he stopped talking to me, I wasn't bitter about it I just assumed he may have listened to his dad and decided that finding a job a starting a new path was the way to go. To suddenly get a text especially with him saying he was here there was excitement and then sudden doom. It really wasn't complicated. This is straightforward. Accept my words so that it doesn't have to hurt more.

[Keyboardkat]

Well, sometimes we can't avoid hurting someone. And one probably cannot go through life without being hurt. As long as you're 100% honest with him, which I think you were, there's really not much else to do. Then you should cut off all contact with him so that he, 1) won't keep fooling himself into thinking there's still a chance, and 2) so that he can face reality and begin to move on. When your heart is broken, the brain perceives it like a death, and he needs to mourn and grieve before he can heal. The sooner he starts that (admittedly slow) process the better for him.

[JayBones2469]

Three important rules for breaking up
Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don't make a big production
Don't make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you want to date other people, say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you've gone together for only a short time
And haven't been too serious
There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she prefers the company of others
To your exclusive company
But if you're honest, and direct
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech
When you break the news
The boy will respect you for your frankness
And honestly he'll appreciate the kind and
Straightforward manner in which you told him your decision
Unless he's a real jerk or a crybaby, you'll remain friends

[lilyanony1]

Thank you for this. It's not a situation I have found myself in before. When something is over usually it's over. Or they make it for me.
I have been clear and very honest with him.
And hopefully this will be the end of it. No relationship is perfect and my new one is taking work but it's the commitment I've made to continue to work on it that matters the most to me right now. Some people have implied I like the attention, actually I don't because he was a friend or at least I thought and because of that I hoped my honesty the first time around was clear. Games are reserved for people we care very little for if you're that way inclined which I am not.

[menina]

It seems like he doesn't understand that you're not interested in him. Maybe you should tell him what you wrote here. If he doesn't get it, then maybe you should cut him off.

[lilyanony1]

Thank you menina. I appreciate this

[menina]

You're welcome. I hope things are better now.

[Surely]

I can understand your predicament. I stay in touch with friends that I made in elementary school. Never with benefits. He needs to accept your request for him to accept your boundaries. Good luck!

[lilyanony1]

Thank you.

[Dinklex3]

You just tell him. It’s normal to feel hurt after receiving information like that so there’s nothing you can specifically do to prevent those feelings from occurring. He just has to accept it and move on.

[DishLady]

Just be honest with them. Don’t drag things out, which is unkind.

[DreamLife7]

What's there to say? He's already rejected you. He made you a friends with benefits because he never seem you as good enough to wife, meet his friends and family. Seems you're trying to reject a man that's already rejected you. So what you say won't bother him too much because he's never liked you any way he just used you as a pump and dump

[laly520]

copy paste what u wrote in here n send it to him

n tell him u found it hard to end it

then back off from it

[ProbablyClueless]

There isn't really a way. But you just communicate your thoughts and feelings without being overly abrasive.

[RealMarek]

You might be well advised to tell this fellow it is time to move on and to block him before it ruins your relationship with your boyfriend.

[deus_ex_sisyphus]

Ripping a band aide off is usually less painful then pulling it off carefully. Unless you dated a psychopath, there will be 0 ways you can break this to them without hurting them.

[Alex-Snow]

Just tell him that you have enjoyed your time and fun times together but you feel that it is time for you to move on.

[Lokiion]

It’s gonna hurt them regardless might as well tell them what it is since it’s not your responsibility to how they feel bout the truth

[JesseP1nk]

If he contacts you again then tell him that you are not intrested. Is he retarded? After that block and cut him out of your life.

[Jennz6]

Hit the road jack, and don’t come back no more 💯

[Lara_Croft]

'Sorry- eish. Unfortunately blah blah blah blah' because that's all they'll hear

[motownplayer2000]

Why you entertaining him. Cut him off and block him. You don’t need to respond while in a relationship. That’s disrespectful to you current

[JustAnotherGuy09]

Don't tell them. Just cut all ties. I've done it before and just moved on.