How would you handle someone you're in a long term relationship with, saying that they had doubts about you?

[Anonymous]

My guy friend has been dating his girlfriend for nearly 2 years. I, like all my friends, thought they were super happy together because there was no indication otherwise, but he told me that she recently told him that she had doubts about continuing on in the relationship. He said when he asked her why, she couldn't really pinpoint one thing which, I mean, even hearing him tell it, I was like, what do you even do with that? How would you handle it if your long term partner said they had doubts?

[Caroline91]

Honestly, I think that's most likely code for there's someone else in the picture. She's most likely looking for an out so she can pursue a relationship with another guy, if she hasn't already started something. I would suggest he outright ask her if she wants out. Even if asked directly if there is someone else, she is unlikely to admit it. If she continues to not give a reason, let her go and move on, even if it is hard to do. It's so not fair to tell someone you have doubts about them and then not tell them why. How crazy making is that?

[ManOnFire]

Same thought.

[dustybiker2]

Sounds like it's already over. He's made the shift. The truth is probably something he doesn't want to admit it might be from guilt or it might hurt her. You won't know unless he shares it. But I'd say they are done.

[Asker]

Dang, that sucks. I don't think he'd lie about himself being part of the problem---we've known each other for literally ever, like a brother to me, but then again, you never know with other people's relationships. I mean, clearly I thought she was as happy as he was....so there you go...

[dustybiker2]

Happy people can just be better at hiding problems. Everyone has something they are dealing with. It's sad when it's a couple you sort of admire though.

[ManOnFire]

Pretty much everything @Caroline91 was what I was going to say, yeah. Seems pretty weird that they've been together for quite a while and now she's talking about having doubts about him, and can't pinpoint what those are. Yeah, it pretty much sounds like she got interested in someone else or has already been seeing that person. That's a grimy thing to do, and then come with a cop out that she's "having doubts" about him now.

[Caroline91]

@ManOnFire I think she's most likely is already involved and feeling guilty. Once we had a couple who were close friends of our family and the husband got involved with someone else, Of course, the whole friend group was really upset about it. Anyway, my mother-in-law said to me "Well, you know, sometimes these things just happen." I remember my brain doing a total spin and then I said to her "No. They don't just happen. Someone makes a choice." I get so tired of hearing people talk about how everyone makes "mistakes". There are honest mistakes and, then, there are choices. Let's call it what it is. Even if we make a really bad choice, it is possible to get through it, but only if there's a boat load of accountability taken and the other person is willing to try to put things back together. But rebuilding trust can be almost impossible.

[ManOnFire]

@Caroline91 I get sick of that too. People always trying excuse everything others do as a "mistake." True that we all make them, but even truer that people know very well what they're doing and what decisions they make.

[Anonymous]

Frankly I'd be insulted. But hopefully have the presence to tell her to make up her mind and decide carefully her next move because i'd rather know now than later if I'm wasting my time. There no power in building with bad materials.

She isn't wrong to question a two year old relationship but she needs to read carefully because he gets to do the same.

[coachTanthony]

Many people will go through this for years and even double down and get married knowing they ain’t the one. Sounds like she needs encouragement to break it off.

[StarWarGirl]

Regarding this I like what my boyfriend told me once.

He told me that "always keep the doubt but give me opportunities to prove them all wrong to you".

So having doubts are ok. That should be. But it's the signal that about which things we should be getting concerned. And after that it should be discussed and should be made efforts to get the solution.

[DishLady]

It just means they're not ready to commit. For whatever reason of theirs, they're finding it difficult to see you in their future. If that's the case, it's time to part ways. There's better out there for both of you.

[RebelinSteel]

Been there and done it, when I’m in a relationship, I will usually get to a point where I don’t want to commit and just break it up, often it’s like this, nothing specific but just that it needs to end.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

She probably couldn’t pinpoint anything bc it was a lot of small things just piling onto each other. A joke that she fake laughed at but didn’t like, some comment about another person that made her question how his mind works, etc.

[PeachyPie93]

2 years is usually the perfect point when you realize they ain't "the one" and you don't want to spend your whole life with them. She should just break up no need to waste time lol.

[Purpleronnie]

If they had doubts but couldn’t explain why I’d likely end the relationship. There is just too much wrong with a situation like that.

[midnightmoon05]

Time to move on.
or continue… married… then divorce.
or make changes to work things out.

[JacobJordan]

She couldn't pinpoint? Bullshit. She is wants to be a whore and doesn't want to admit it. She'll likely ask for a break or an open relationship next.

[Caroline91]

That's harsh.

[JacobJordan]

@Caroline91 nah that's facts. Western women are pretty easy to predict. If one has doubts they know exactly what is. He works too much, spends to much, isn't this or that. It is very easy to pinpoint what is causing the doubt UNLESS it is something one doesn't want to admit

[Caroline91]

So, in the comment I made before you on this one, I pretty much agreed with your assessment. I just didn't put it in such harsh terms. It was the WAY you expressed your thoughts that I found harsh. I have a serious problem with anyone, man or woman, saying something like that to someone and then not giving any reason for it. It is unfair, unkind, and discounting. As a western woman who is in a very happy 10 years and counting marriage with a very happy and satisfied husband, I'm truly sorry for whatever experiences have led you to feel that way. I wish you only the best :)

[JacobJordan]

@Caroline91 I married a woman from Eastern Europe to avoid marrying a western woman because I saw where most Western women were heading. Imagine my surprise when I find out that all the things I figured would happen if women were left to become more and more entitled happened. Worst part for guys is you can't tell if a woman is good or modern. So lot of guys end up getting their lives ruined.

[Caroline91]

I have a real problem with the current phase of feminism. I consider myself a true feminist because, like all of the women in my family, I do not tolerate bad behavior from anyone, man or woman, and I consider myself able to make independent choices. One of those independent choices has given me a wonderful marriage partner and 2 little girls. I am also, by choice, an at-home mom bc my husband and I agree that I am the first teacher of our little girls and I totally enjoy creating a happy and relaxed home environment for my children and husband. He is in a stressful profession and I have created a refuge for him to come home to. I am lucky enough to have had a great education and I use my skills in different volunteer capacities in our community, so I'm definitely not the stereotypical homemaker who sits home and watches tv all day lol. No woman who is home with children has time to do that. I get criticized by other women all the time for these choices. And, you know what? I really don't care. We are happy.

[JacobJordan]

@Caroline91 that is the mark of a good woman. You are the very rare woman that everyone wants. And men are realizing finding that in the west is super hard. So they started looking over seas. I was fortunate to find such a woman in the US before everything started going south.

[Caroline91]

Glad you found her

[JacobJordan]

@Caroline91 sounds like your husband found one too.

[Caroline91]

Aw, thank you.

[SYTHOX]

I would give my partner space as much as they needed, then they'd either realize they don't have doubts or find someone else. Either way works out for me

[DextroShade]

If she said she was having doubts but couldn't articulate a single tangible reason why I would assume she's cheating and tell her she can leave.

[CriticalCatDad123]

I'd break up with them. Just don't want to put up with that kind of thing.

[laly520]

it happens n they could prove the doubts wrong together

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the typical idiotic female response to being "bored" Best he leave now and not look back. she's not worthy of him.

[elaphe]

I would ask why she had been with me for so long if she had doubts.

[Simslover92]

I probably wouldn't handle that well to be honest.

[JosyJosy]

To have them elaborate.

[DonFredoCorleone]

I scream at her like a real man