How soon can I ask her out? Her boyfriend just died.

This is such a tricky situation...

I'd been thinking about this girl I hadn't seen in a few years, we worked together and I always really liked just being around her. At the time we got along really good and I thought there was something there but she had a bf. Well I mentioned her to a mutual friend this week and found out her boyfriend just killed himself within the last few weeks.

I had already intended to go home and find her on Facebook or Myspace, and still did but I didn't mention that I'd heard what happened. She wrote me that she was really glad I found her, and that she was okay but had been better. I told her I'd heard about it, and then just kind of told her a few funny stories about people she knows, assuming she needs someone around who isn't trying to make her talk about it. I've told her I'm there if she needs someone to talk to, and then I left it at that.

She's an amazing girl and like I said, she'd been on my mind because I'd been thinking "I really want this girl back in my life." Obviously I wouldn't be trying to get myself into this mess if it was just a casual "She's pretty cool, I'd date her" situation.

I know it's inappropriate to think about asking her to do something with me now (even just as friends), and I respect that, but I still know I like her and at some point it'll be okay to ask her out. But when? I feel like a jerk to even be asking it, but I want to know what girls (or guys) say.

I'm really NOT trying to be disrespectful about what happened. I'm trying to just be honest with myself (and you), and it's one of those situations where I'm too caught up on it to see clearly. To be honest, I'm willing to give her all the time she needs and even just be friends at first...but I'd hate to be SO respectful that it backfires...

So yeah, I'd appreciate hearing what anyone thinks

I sent her a message that we should go to the zoo. She wrote back sounding excited because she hasn't been to the zoo in forever. She said she works a lot and doesn't really have money (usually excuses not to do something) but "we can work around it."
She moved, no need to answer the question


Most Helpful Girl

  • I have some first hand experience to share. I lost my husband 6 months ago. I am just now considering hanging out with new people and I don't have any desire for a close relationship with anyone. I just want friends. She will need a lot of time to herself to sort things out. I ran into a guy I had a crush on in high school the day after my husband died. I always kept him in the back of my mind thinking "yea, I would like to hang out with him, you never know" and I am just now slowly beginning to get to know him. People would always try to keep me occupied, cheer me up, etc but honestly I just wanted to be on my own most of the time. It's really weird what you have to go through. You have to figure out who you are without that other person. Give her lots of space and just pop into her life every once in a while to say hi and give her a smile. That's it. Let her do everything in her own time and don't get worried about stuff because she still has a lot to go through. Even when you think "oh, she seems fine now. I think she's over it." don't be surprised when her attitude or mood changes suddenly. She knows where to find you when she's ready. Let me know if I can help more.

    On a lighter note, I found myself extremely horny. haha. Of course, I didn't want random hookups so after about 4 months I found a very nice FWB.

    • Yeah, I have no real indication how she's doing except how I'd imagine I'd be doing...that makes sense that she knows where to find me when she's ready. I'm just not a huge fan of the hands-off approach even though it's obviously what I need to do

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 9

  • i think you should be there for her and surprise her a few times. maybe ask her to a movie (comedy) or to a lounge. start with messaging or texting her. if she shows interest then you ca ask her to hang out. give her time to deal witht he loss but after like 2 months (sorry to say) you should tell her how you feel.

    help me out my ques is right above yours called "is he into me?"

    • Thanks. I'm gonna ask her to do something like going to the zoo or whatever, something that isn't romantic or date-like and that could be a fun distraction. The issue was mostly that I want to be there for her (I have no problem putting my feelings on hold) but I'm not trying to do anything that complicates her life more or hurts her, you know? Months from now, I'd have no problem at all telling her how I feel. Right now, it's like how do I smoothly approach asking her to hang out?

    • Show All
    • That's what I thought too...but for one thing, if the roles were reversed and she sent me a Facebook friend request, I'd have been a lot less enthusiastic and friendly. I'd have been all depressed sounding, but she wrote back "ohh joshy!! haha I'm so glad you found me I'm okay been better, and how are you??"

    • True, just think of how you would wanna be approached if in her situation?

      hey I'm having a texting dilemma as well help me out, my ques in in dating section "should I do what he's doing to me?"

  • Wow… well from a girl who has been there done that! Take it slow. Don’t get “shes needs you” mixed up with “she needs you as a boyfriend”. She is probably going through some mixed thoughts right now. I know when my boyfriend past away I actually did want a new man. I think that’s when I looked the hardest. If you are prepared for it, then go for it.

    But some warnings… expect her to talk about him a lot. Expect her to miss him a lot. Expect her to cry a lot. Expect her to blame it on herself and others a lot. If you can handle this, then what's stopping you?

    Ohh and just in case you were curious about what happened to me….

    Read this. I’m Erika Danielle Hottinger and my boyfriend was Dung Quoc Thach aka (yung).


    042805 its been about 4 years and I’ve been since then dating a guy for almost 4 years =)

    • Oh but don't forget that everybody grieves differently so one way may not work for some.

    • Definitely, I'm not saying she needs me as her bf. Thanks a lot for answering, since you've been there. If we do stuff, I totally am fine with the fact that she'll have him on her mind and talk about him. If I can handle that, what's stopping me? We hadn't talked in a year or 2 and..well just because I'm willing doesn't mean I'm too high on the list of people she'd go to for a shoulder to cry on.

  • Just look for cues from her. If she mentions that you should hang out, or makes repeated physical contact, it's a sign that she may be ready to start dating again. Even then, start off very casual. She needs to ease herself back into the dating pool. That's a very tricky situation, so tread lightly. You know she's still recovering

  • meaning its tooooooo soon! put your wanger danger back in its pants you're not getting any not from this cat! chill out and back off let her heal... that's just wrong no matter how you look at it or word it. her boyfriend just died!

    • Sorry if I gave the wrong impression. The whole point of me putting this question up is that when she IS ready to date, even if it's a long long time from now, she's an awesome enough girl that I'd be willing to wait with no thought whatsoever of trying to make something happen before that. I didn't want to be stupid and do something hurtful. If the situation was anything else, there are a LOT of girls I could chase who are single without this amount of baggage, you know? Thanks for being blunt!

  • I would gust take it slow and easy with her and win you go to the zoo just say you wanted to help her keep him off her mined and she will let you know in a small ways win she is reedy to go out again and just be her for her right now she needs you and I know win I am grieving I need a guy to be there for me. good luck!

  • It sounds like she really needs a friend and you sound like the perfect FRIEND right now. I do emphasize on friend. She just really needs to have fun. Ask her out but while your out don't bring up anything about a relationship, or her ex. Let her bring it up when she is ready. Let things just blossom into a beautiful friendship or maybe a relationship.

    • Thanks for the advice, that's definitely what I'm trying to do. We were supposed to go to the zoo then she stopped mentioning it, so I'm gonna tell her "Let's give it a month and the weather will be nicer, since a lot of the animals are outside" because I think she still needs more time

  • well first of all you have to comfort her in a mannerly way and when she needs sum1 you will be there for her

  • Juse be there for her as a friend 1st and don't make any moves. Just let her know how much you care about her as a friend and do things with her to take her mind off things.

    Just let things slowly progress from there, don't put any pressure on her. Don't go to kiss her or anything like that but you can offer hugs.

    It could be sometime before she is ready for a relationship with someone else and I would say wait at least a coupld of months. She is going to need time to greave and get over things.

    If you are there as a friend, that way she can get to know you more, you can spend time together and she may develop feelings for you.

    • I'm not sure if she WILL hang out with me to take her mind off things. A guy showing up right when her boyfriend died, and trying to spend time with her, might not exactly be something that feels right to her. I went through some AWFUL things at one point in my life, and maybe she needs someone to talk to who kind of can understand. I told her that. I don't know how hard she's taking it or what the situation is. I'd hate to push too hard and drive her away OR not be there when she's going through hell.

  • Just be there for her as much as you can. Be a good friend for her right now and only then will you know if she's ready to be in a relationship.


What Guys Said 2

  • I would be with her while she's still grieving that way she won't notice it but she will start getting attached to you. Be there, and when she needs someone to talk to always offer to listen.

    don't ask her out, just be there, and with time she will actually cling to you and the two of you can make this work out.

    • Thanks for the advice. I feel like it's an issue how to approach asking her to hang out as friends, when I'm the guy who pops up right when her boyfriend killed himself and I'm saying "Hey, why don't we do something sometime?"

  • I think you have the right idea. Just be her friend for now. And don't feel guilty about being her friend, she needs friends who care about her. Taking her to the zoo is good because it will give her something to look forward to and get her thoughts off the grief she feels, just don't be too forward. Its hard to say when it would be ok for you to ask her, but I know that you don't want to do it before she's ready because you will just cause her more stress and anxiety, and even a bit of 'survivors guilt'

    She will let you know when she's ready to date again, either by the way she talks about other guys, or flirting/hinting with you

    best of luck