Should I try to contact my dad again?

[Flower7]

I’ve only met my dad once in my life, not until I was 22 years old. He took me to get some ice cream. But since then, I’ve never heard from him again.

The only reason we met each other back then is because I searched for him on one of those people search/background check websites. He moved to Alaska while my mom was pregnant with me and was still there for all these years.

But a few weeks ago, I did another search for him and I see that he’s recently moved from Alaska to the state that is right next to me.

Should I try to get in touch with him again? I’d like to have him in my life, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea to contact him when he might not be interested in getting to know me.

Yes

No

[Gagname]

Whether you should contact your dad again depends on a few things…

1. You said you met your dad once—13 years ago, and he got you ice cream…how did that meeting with him go—was he interested in finding out about you & your life, and keeping in touch with you at all?

2. Did he explain why he left your mom while she was pregnant, and why he stayed away all those years and never got in touch?; and did he express any regret about all that?

3. Are you aware of his current “life situation,” and any life challenges that he is going through now (such as financial, legal, or drug issues)?

4. What do you hope to get from having a relationship with your father, and what do you think are realistic expectations for having one with him?

[Flower7]

I have a few of the answers:

1) He did ask some questions about my life. As far as staying in touch, I never heard from him again after that day. And during our meeting, he didn’t mention anything about us being in each others’ lives.

2) He didn’t mention that topic at all.

3) I don’t know too much about his personal life, other than that he just got divorced recently. I’m guessing that’s why he finally left Alaska and moved to another state.
(Maybe he’s looking for a fresh start. He could even be feeling lonely and would welcome having a new family member in his life.)

4) I would just like to get to know him better and maybe learn about his family also. I’ve never met his parents and I know absolutely nothing about them…my grandparents. And I’d like us to kinda have a friendship and visit each other once in a while and text sometimes.

[Gagname]

1. What was your impression of your meeting with him and of him as a person?…

1a. How long did your meeting with your father last and were you hoping it would last longer/shorter?

1b. Was your meeting with him a cold emotionless discussion, or were there emotions expressed at all?

1c. Is he a friendly/kind/thoughtful person, or no?

2. He didn’t mention anything about his past actions or express any remorse about not being in his your life at all; and there was no mention of “Where do we go from here?”—that’s VERY UNUSUAL/ILLOGICAL AND IS A HUGE RED FLAG, and shouldn’t be dismissed lightly.

3. It’s important that you don’t project your thoughts and the “possible considerations which might be going on in his mind” on to him, beyond what is explicitly expressed BY HIM to you…. It would be better to ask him neutral & “non-leading” questions—such as: “Why did you move to Alaska and how was your life up there?”; and “Why did you leave Alaska and move to where you are now?“

However, it also seems like it would be good to “cut to the chase” and ask him directly: “What are your thoughts about us being in each other’s lives?” and hear what HE thinks/says about that.

4a. Regarding wanting “to get to know him better and maybe learn about his family [and your] grandparents”: Of course you’re curious about these people, but it’s important to identify “what are the ‘important’ things you want to know about your unknown father & other family members, and why do you want to know those things?”…is it just factual stuff which you want to know—what did they do for work, is there a history of family health ailments/disease?; or is it ‘softer stuff’ like: ‘What were they like?’

4b. “You’d like to “have a friendship [with your father] and visit [with him] once in a while and text [him] sometimes”…Hmm…How would you feel and how would your life be if you NEVER had any of that with him?

[Gagname]

Thanks for the MHO…
Although I think this one one was a system-generated one because I never saw replies on my last questions.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

I say no, you shouldn't. It's up to him to reach out to you, he's the father figure. If you have to do it, and try to have a relationship, you will always feel that you aren't good enough and that he didn't make the effort because of that.

Instead, you've reached out, done your part. If he rejects you, it's because of him and his lack of care, but that doesn't reflect on you. Don't chase him, it will only do you harm. He will reach out if he cares enough, and if he doesn't then he's definitely doing you a favor.

[Flower7]

That’s a good way to look at it, thanks!

[cryscrys1]

Yes why not do it
God sees the good things you do even if your dad rejects you for some reason you do your share. Give it one more try see how it goes. Who knows maybe he is longing you reach out for him…
Life is short.
My father passed away when I was young and trust me the ego the hate or anything you feel is just you blocking yourself. It’s all a lie. We came into this world for a short visit or trip you me and all at gag won’t be here after 60 years. So yeah don’t question anything if you think something do it. If you love someone say it. Dot take life too seriously.

[cryscrys1]

Don’t * take life

[Flower7]

It’s not about ego or hate. I just don’t want to be a nuisance.

[heartinteeth]

I voted yes because I kind of got the vibe from your question that you might regret it if you don't at least try. That being said, please be careful with your own heart if you think it's going to hurt you (based on his personality and willingness to stay in touch). Maybe test the waters and see what happens. I just worry that it's going to hurt you. That being said, maybe he feels the same way as you do and he's sheepish about getting back in touch because he feels guilty about not being in your life when you were younger.

[Flower7]

Getting hurt is definitely a risk!

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Some say if you snooze you lose & unfortunately your dad is snoozing & with all my heart I wish he knew what he is losing or has lost. Thirteen years ago you met him for the first time & I can only imagine that moment & how you were feeling that day. Thirteen years ago you gave that man a chance or at least I hope you did & unfortunately he didn’t take a chance in return after that.

As for the past maybe it’s time to leave the past in the past & move forward. As for the past it’s not the future & the future can change if you want it to & reaching out might be the way to go.

[ZackBan]

I think at 35 you're at a place in life where you don't "need" him, you faired well (i hope) without him.

So contacting him now as nothing more than a desire to reacquaint with a relative should be the healthy choice.

I don't know if you blame him for leaving or made peace with it but if you do contact him be ready for him not to be a "father" to you but more like someone who knew your mom long ago and just happens to have your DNA.

All that being said, best of luck hope you get all that you hope for out of this.

[lightbulb27]

yes.
your dad may be a messed up human, that is not your fault.

if you want to try for a relationship, then do so. it's better than having regret when he is gone.

If he is not interested, then you decide what you want to do. you only have one dad and mom, so that's special. He may reject you til his last day, we don't know his issues. People operate under wounded emotions. Until those emotions are resolved, then they are oppressed. Maybe he cannot feel love.

If he's a dangerous person, that's another matter.

[Avicenna]

Before you contact him, make sure you are emotionally and mentally prepared for him not being interested or not being emotionally available enough to relate to you or even keep in touch. If you are, then by all means contact him and at least see how he's doing.

[sage2021]

@Flower7 I am a fatherless daughter myself. If you do contact him, you will have to give him some time to think about it. Be patient. Men like to mull things over before making a decision like that. I would give it a try - especially around Christmas 🎄 - he might be wondering about you as well. The holidays seem to make people think of family, and maybe this is the perfect time to contact him. The very best to you. 🌹

[Aerissa_Jade]

I'd say contact him, what do you have to lose?

If you don't contact him, there is no chance but if you do contact him, he might feel the same way, he might not and you'll be right back to where you started, except now you can say you honestly tried.

Give it a shot and see what happens.

[Jackpot7s]

Look at it this way if you had a friend who never bothered to contact you for years when they could have you would forget about them right? This is your dad I understand that but it is the same type situation. He could have reached out and he didn't so don't set yourself up for disappointment

[Flower7]

Thanks for the advice. That's a good way to think about it.

[AviatorTom]

It never hurts to try and contact a long-lost relative. At least you'll know if he wants to be part of your life or not... for now, you're not sure. And if he does want to be part of your life, your life will expand.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

If your dad has a kind heart then try to make a go of it but if he seems not interested then all you can do is pray for him... My Dad has done some hateful things to me with verbal abuse and fighting with my mom... She tended to pick up on his habits but it's
sad for a mom ( late) who can't get along with a kids Dad and takes it out on the kids

[Jhonrembo]

Family is the most important thing in life. If there are no very extreme reasons it does not sound the case. In my opinion you should not give up and try what you can to contact your father. This is also important for our mental health. Parents and children is the strongest bond in creation. I also wish you in honor of Christmas that you will get to meet your father and make a new connection that will bring you joy in life. May you have the joy and happiness of others.🥂🥂🥂.

[s10sleeper]

I would, if not, you will spend the rest of your life not knowing. Maybe he’s regretting not being there for you and doesn’t think you want him in your life. He’s always going to be your only real father, and there’s only one way to know for sure

[DeeDeeDeVour]

I'd be reluctant if I were you. Throughout your entire life, he only made one (1) effort over a decade ago. That single meeting happened because you searched for him and reached out to him. If he wanted you to be a part of his life, why isn't he showing any signs of effort in his part?

I certainly hope the outcome of your next reunion will be a more positive one.

[Interstate]

You met with him once and since then he has not contacted you. From where I am sitting, it sounds to me as though he only took you for milk and sugar to be polite. He has not made any attempt to contact you since then, so I would say you don't really mean anything to him. I would just appreciate the one time you got to have with him, but (and I hate to use these words to my online friend)..."move on with life" 😞

[Adam_INTJ]

That depends. Do you want to?

Would you feel happy to meet him again? We all have to take risks for things. I expect that he would not want to maintain a relationship with you, since he neglected you all this time, but maybe not.

The question is: do you care enough to take that risk? If not, I wouldn't blame you. I'm kind of angry at him and he isn't even my dad.

[mark000h]

I think you should. Ask him personally why he hasn't reached out and if he wants to be a part of your life. Hopefully he does but you may not like the answer you get. I think you owe it to yourself to put your mind at ease one way or the other to find out.

[Flower7]

I worry that he would say something he doesn’t mean just to not be rude. But I wouldn’t know if he’s really telling the truth.

[mark000h]

Yes, he could but don't you want to at least know one way or the other? Right now you're in limbo questioning "if he does" or not. Finding out, good or bad, will at least settle it. He probably wouldn't tell you he does if he doesn't. It's just best to find out for your own peace of mind.

[RealMarek]

This is a difficult situation for you, but if you want to be in contact with your father it would be good to at least try. You don’t want to look back on your life someday and left wondering “what if?” and regretting lost opportunities. The worst that could happen is that he will say no or do something hurtful, but at least you’ll know you tried.

[Flower7]

I tried already and was hurt when he disappeared afterward.

[RealMarek]

That sucks. It’s very difficult. The thing is, if you feel like you want to try, trying again would at least give you peace of mind that you tried when you thought it might be time to try again. I think that if you do this it would be good to have low expectations, with the understanding that your father (for whatever reason) has this tendency to disappear and not be there for you. You’re facing a difficult decision in which you have to weigh the possibility of being hurt against the possibility of regretting the missed opportunity.

[Wiredone]

You should contact him and tell him how you feel. Ask him point blank if he wants to be in your life. If he says no, at least you know. All you can do is hope for the best but expect the worse.

[Flower7]

I feel like he wouldn’t tell me the truth and might just tolerate me because he feels forced to.

[Wiredone]

So tell him " if you don't want me in your life just say so and you'll never here from me again". Like I said before, be ready for a let down but I hope he wants you in his life.

[Flower7]

That’s a good way to say it, thanks.

[Wiredone]

You're welcome. I hope he is a real man and steps up to the plate and does the right thing

[Jessica405]

Yes. Be prepared to find a can of worms, but if you don't try, you will never know if he is receptive. There might come a time when he needs YOU in his life.

[hi8sm3]

Jess, can you pm me please. I need a help from a mod

[exitseven]

I had both my parents so I cannot imagine what is going through your mind. I suppose if you are to get any peace of mind you need to do this. I hope it turns out good for you.

[GreenLanternI0I]

One way or another it is better to contact him and get the truth if he wants to be part of your life or not and if not why not. VS not contacting him ever and not knowing what kind of outcome you would of gotten.