Should people who were raised by toxic parents just avoid dating/relationships and stay single forever?

Question

my mom was and still is a pretty toxic person. she divorced my dad when I was 3 and took me away from him and then decided to poisoned my head by telling me that it was his fault, that supposedly he never loved me and left me for her to raise me on her own.

I dont even know where to start on all the things she used to do to me while growing up. she used to

take out all of her everyday stress and frustration out on me
she used to scorn me whenever I stood up for myself
always compared/contrast me with my cousins and kids of her friends who supposedly did things better than I did
limit my friends
limit my hobbies
used to take off and leave me behind with relatives and other friends of hers

but it obviously couldnt just end there, as I got older she used to

treat me like I always her husband
was obligated to get a job and help out with spending (even though my stepdad made enough)
pressure me to move out and "get out of her life" literally on a daily basis
always looked for an excuse to pick fights with me and then acted like a victim when I would retaliate

and the list goes on. After High School I've become a toxic cunt magnet myself, in fact I have 2 older brothers who were in and out of toxic relationships as I grew up. I used to watch them go through all that hell that I promised myself that I will stay single because I dont want to be like them. but again whenever I break this promise the women I show interest or show interest in me always end up showing their true colors later on and end up repulsing to me.

till then I was always told that us humans will always be bound to attract or be attracted to people like our parents. Celebrities like Eminem are a prime example of this as well. so I was wondering should we children of toxic parents just remain single forever? is this our only antidote for peace?

Subarugirl · Accepted Answer

That's like asking if you should blame your parents for everything wrong in your life. No you shouldn't.
You should recognize how your childhood and the relationship you had with authority figures impacted you, take that knowledge and use it as a tool to work on yourself, heal and better yourself instead of using it as an excuse.

My mother, emotionally and physically abused me and my younger siblings. I was beaten regularly at times enough to bleed. By the time I was 13 she rarely left her room and I was left in charge of keeping a family of 6 fed, the house clean and that my younger siblings learning since my mother decided that she wouldn't send us to school and homeschool us. She kept us isolated.

However at the end of the day, as an adult you are responsible for the mentality you have, the actions that you make and relationships that you chose to be in. Parents aren't perfect they are human and their children are at their mercy of those imperfections but as an adult it is YOUR responsibility to be a good person and while recognizing the impact your childhood had on you make the choice to do better with out using your parent's as an excuse.

PeacefulRainDrop · Accepted Answer

I'm sorry for your childhood.

I too had toxic parents sometimes still are. Dads trying to change and I am thankful for that. Mom denys things that happened. But they are my parents. I have forgiven them cause they did the best they knew how. Somethings I'm still like WTF. But it's our pasts we dont live there anymore!

I wouldn't let it stop you. You know exactly what you dont want and dont settle until you find what you want. There are treasures out there! Dont let anyone make you feel like your less than cause of your experiences. That made you into the great man you are.

Lionman95 · Accepted Answer

No don´t stay single because there´s still hope of change. Because if you´re aware that your parents are toxic that´s a good fundament to build on. Maybe it would help you see a counselor or mentor first before you start dating but I don´t seek you should exclude yourself just because you don´t harm other people.
Being single can be frustrating especially if you´re not happy with the situation, that way you can still harm others.
Reflect on your upbringing and what are things you could change or learn to heal from? Ask others for help if you don´t feel like you can do it on your own.
But that doesn´t mean that you can´t change, it may just be harder for you.

DaveJord · Accepted Answer

Honestly, my exwife and I had a extremely toxic relationship. I think my kids are pretty messed up honestly. I tired my best, but to make things work... but it was an impossible situation.

I my oldest has restraining order on my wife, and youngest think her mother walks on water.. there's a lot manipulation going on there... but she's so much like her mother I pray she doesn't have her own kids. If she thinks her mother is a good example of how to act... the thinks she's doomed.

But I voted A because have to believe there's hope.

Oigit · Answer

We might be able to but that could be a big might. My younger brother and I where raised by a single mother. Lets say the guys she brought home when she was dating where not a good example of a good parent or what it means to be a good father. I ended up getting involved with a woman that had serious issues. Much like the ones my brought home. After that I decided to stay single. Also I'm glad I never become a father. Because if learning from example informed a large percentage of my parenting, I'd be far from a good father.

Ammi_goldie806 · Answer

My mom is toxic to me as well one day my mom called me a bitch just for having "collage mail" sent to the house. i worked on myself while being in a relationship also worked on myself while single before I met my boyfriend. we did have a toxic relationship in the first few months of dating (3-5) than we go health over time we both love each other we are 9months going on 10 I love him so much he is my everything, the only person I see is him. we have communication a lot about our future, jobs, places to live, kids, sex etc.

Alyssa_11 · Answer

I’m really sorry you had to go through that but I feel the need to leave this comment because I don’t want anyone coming from an abusives background to think they’re not worthy of relationships. Everyone is worthy of relationships and you are not your past or what you’ve been through. You’re what you decide to be. It’s a choice. My parents both come from abusive backgrounds and I’d be lying if I said no trauma has been passed down to me. But my mum swore she’d never hit me and be the parent she always wanted to be and she stuck by it.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

This is retarded. For a few reasons.

1. Not all of what she did was toxic abuse. Making you get a job, making you move out, teaching you not to be a crybaby... 👏

2. Its your job as a man to be in control of yourself before you are in a relationship because ultimately you will lead the woman. I suggest you focus on self improvement. If you dont maintain physical health through diet and exercise, financial success, moral clarity, emotional control and awareness, and be honest with giving yourself both praise and criticism... its you who are being the toxic one and attracting fucked up girls, being attractive to fucked up girls, and leading girls to be fucked up if they werent already.

Honest-Matt · Answer

Honestly, I grew up in a messed up household. I've got a lot of developmental delay and picked up a lot of my dad's personality. I'm a good person overall, I'm kind and considerate, but long term I'm not enough or not able to commit. Let me know when you figure it out, I might never marry tbh.

Honesttguy · Answer

All u have to do is be better than ur parents. Do self work, reflection change your beliefs then u will recognize other people with positive qualities.
U can't recognize good qualities if u dont have them yourself.
So first it starts with u.
My mother also toxic never worked on herself and stayed the same.
Best thing is to move out on your own thats when real growth starts to happen.

DirTdreamer · Answer

Sounds like my Ex. My daughter went through hell with her. Thankfully, both of my kids have been with me and my wife for the past two years, my daughter will be 18 and my son will be 16.
There is definitely hope for you. But I HIGHLY recommend seeing a therapist to help you work through what you’ve been carrying all these years.

DarkCarousel · Answer

You are deserving of a happy life. You have to be willing to put in the work— therapy or counseling will help. Make sure your lady is willing to work through those things as well. It is possible. I will be hard. But the alternative is going through life alone.

shaysh87 · Answer

do you know where abusive men come from?
abusive men typically come from violent households where parents frequently hit their children or where fathers often beat their mothers. Hence violence is the norm for them. People raised by toxic parents tend have prior trauma and have a lot of personality issues.

so if you want me to answer your question, yes, you will need a dramatic transformation in order to have a healthy relationship.

JustinTheGreat · Answer

No, I don’t think you have to stay single forever. I had a great mom growing up, but my dad was a piece of shit. He treated me horribly and definitely fucked me up over the years.
But that’s why I went to therapy. Talking to a professional about this is really the best thing you can do.

ManOfFacts111 · Answer

That top picture is how I would raise my son, boys shouldn't cry, and it's funny how that wife tells him to show emotion but later she tells her son to not cry, women can be so hypocritical sometimes, well bottom line is, you could avoid dating to avoid bringing that kind of toxicity onto the next generation, so you can stay single or date if you want.

pixie215 · Answer

i was raised by an abusive, toxic parents, though it has effected how i have relationships even friendships, im not her in the end and deserve some kinda happiness. i will/would be a very different parent

ChiTown33 · Answer

Yeah. But that's like asking people who were molested as a child not to molest other people.   They're damaged people! They're not going to stop being toxic and damaged because you tell them not to.

exitseven · Answer

I am the product of a broken home and I really had no idea of how to have a relationship with somebody. My wife was very patient and it wasn't easy but I eventually figured it out.

SnakeBoop · Answer

course not.  their toxicity doesn't equal you become toxic. i'm with a great dude who doesn't abuse me like my mother did. so no.

annabananna · Answer

There is still hope. Since you weren’t modeled good behavior for relationships you will have to learn it on your own but you can do it! I’d recommend counseling if possible.

Heartache0405 · Answer

I had a very loving family growing up. Yet I want nothing to do with intimate relationships.

Ninania · Answer

No, they should reflect on how that trauma has formed them and take charge of their own healing to be better people than their parents.

sirderpsalot123 · Answer

Not if you work on yourself and don't repeat what was done to you. It's possible.

joeldalton · Answer

That's only poisoning you, not punishing your parents.

Should people who were raised by toxic parents just avoid dating/relationships and stay single forever?

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