I've been in the work force for barely a year. I have rent to pay, student loans, groceries, etc. But I make enough that I'm in a good place. I'm very cautious about spending, and my bank balance goes up every month. I'd like to save up to buy some kind of investment property, just because I want the security that comes with owning something.
I grew up without money, so I spend way too much time monitoring my bank account. I have a lot of financial anxiety, and I have no money management skills. I put off going to the doctor or buying essential things that I can easily afford, because the concept of spending that amount of money stresses me out. But again, I'm in a fairly decent place.
My parents on the other hand, are not. They have no money. My childhood home has nearly been foreclosed on several times, and they can only hold it off for so long. Their credit scores are awful, so they can't move. My brother is still in high school, and I have no clue how he's going to get through college.
To top it off, my father's mental health is awful. He has no one. My mother's physical health is very quickly declining, and she doesn't want to see a doctor. They just shame her for things she's tried to change, but can't.
Time and time again, I find myself offering to give them money. They don't ask. I just offer. Because I know they're struggling, and that things are getting worse very quickly, and I can't bring myself to just watch it happen.
But I don't make enough to fix their problems for them. And I worry that if I keep giving money away, I will end up in the same situation some day. But to not help them feels so selfish. It makes me want to cry just to imagine being in their situation. I worry that it may kill them, whether through my mother's health declining, or my father committing suicide.
How do you build yourself from nothing, while there are people you love still stuck at the bottom?I have a job, but I still feel stuck.
What do you do when loved ones need more money than you can afford to give?
You... need a big hug. Like a big motherfucking bear-hug. Holy shit woman. You are simply trying to place too much of your families burden on your own shoulders.
I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been growing up under those circumstances. I also cannot imagine your current hell of watching those you love caught in a poverty-trap while their health gets increasingly worse. Honestly, that is just awful, and I am really sorry that you and your loved-ones are going through all of that.
But you are right about it being more than you can possibly 'fix' by yourself.
I'm not trying to suggest that your parents deserve to be in the situation they're in (I do understand that cycle, and how grinding it can be to somehow get out of it).
But YOU DO deserve to be able to buy life's essentials, and some non-essentials too! You shouldn't have to feel guilty for trying to save your money for your hope of owning an investment property in the future. That's all... super-reasonable.
I don't know your parents or their relationship with you... but... I would think that the life you're building is more or less what they always hoped for their daughter (despite not providing the best launching-pad to help get you there). I would imagine, that after struggling so much, and bringing you up in a less-than-financially-stable situation... that they are happy that you... aren't forced to struggle like that anymore?
I do absolutely understand where you're coming from in terms of not being able to sit by and watch them struggle. I mean, that's your family. I do understand. But... you DO need to somehow protect yourself as well. You can easily end up being unfair to yourself in this situation. You maybe need to set up some "rules" for yourself? "I will only give money if it's needed for..." Or maybe "I'll only give money if the good that money will do might bring more good (i donno, maybe you buy your brother a new suit... but only for a job-interview he's looking forward to).
To be honest, I don't have any real solutions or bright ideas or wise thoughts. You are in an awful situation. A situation that's just totally totally not fair.
I don't know how to properly balance how much money (if any) you ought to give to your family and when it's a good idea to do so. But I do see someone who is taking too much of the families burden onto her own shoulders. I would think you need to be "more fair" towards yourself than you have been so far.
I think maybe focusing on two aspects might help: 1) I bet your family is happy for you and the life you're building. They love you, and want you to be happy (as you want them to be)
2) If your family is not asking for money, I would guess that they are unaware that the money you are offering is stressing you out the way it is. If you had a greedy family who didn't really care about whether or not you could afford to help them... then they'd be asking for money. Since they don't, to me, that indicates that they DO NOT WANT money from you that you cannot comfortably afford to give.
Just... don't forget you deserve to be happy too. And, I bet your family hopes you're happy as well. They don't expect you to fix everything. Don't expect it of yourself either.
Good luck. You are one hella-strong woman. I wish you and your family all the best. 🙂
I grew up in a similar situation. I discovered quickly that my financial anxiety went away when I automated everything and created buckets. I had 20% of my income automatically invested into crypto/stock market every month. It pulled from my bank account. I had 5% go into what I called guilt free in which I could splurge on whatever I wanted. I had another 5% dedicated to giving. I had a bucket for eating out as well. I automated all my bills as well. It got to a point where I didn’t even have to check my bank statements to we where I was at. If it ain’t in your bucket, then you can’t do it.
The only way to get out of the poverty cycle is to start making your money work for you. Buy more assets than you buy liabilities. When you buy these assets, don’t ever sell them. You borrow against them. Bitcoin is at $20,000 right now. I work in finance and can tell you this is a great entry. Buy bitcoin and hold onto it. In three years you’ll be doing very well.
I went from being homeless during parts of college to becoming a crypto millionaire in my 20s. I’ve been on both sides. My biggest piece of advice is to read and acquire knowledge. I remember working a warehouse job, and I was allowed to listen to headphones. I listened to over 100 audible books while I was working. If you want recommendations on literature, feel free to ask.
Now I can really give back to my family. Chump change here and there will not help loved ones if they do not know how to manage money. Do them a real favor and purchase them some assets.
I'm sorry - this sounds like a rough situation. But I'm very glad you're at a place where you are pulling yourself out of it.
Honestly, if your parents are able-bodied enough, they should be seeking solutions themselves. Things like another job, a side-gig, or social programming.
No one is safe in our current economy. And it's only going to get worse, as markets across the board are in a decline or an overvaluation bubble.
Before you support your parents, though, finish working on your own supports. Get those appointments, budget for and buy those essential things.
I struggled with similar, but found putting aside money I KNEW I was going to spend helped me accept it as "gone" before it even left my account. I can save for big purchases, and because I hold it in a different account, I don't feel the emotional hit when I check my usual chequing account.
Maybe after you've worked on your own finances some more and have taken care of what you need to, you can start setting aside a bit of money a month to hold aside for when your parents are ready to accept your help.
But talk to them if you have a good relationship with them. Maybe they're fine with their situation and you succeeding makes them happier than any financial support they could want.
They are grown adults. Regardless of mental health or physical health, but from experience if they won't help themselves then no amount of money you give them is going to improve their lives. I totally believe in helping family, but only when they are actually fighting for themselves.
there's like 6 different things going on here. Yikes.
For someone who acknowledges they're not good with money, I find it strange you havnt taken the time to learn more about its management. Read or watch Dave Ramsey or someone. Read Rich Dad Poor Dad. Learn how to manage your money so you can navigate these waters. Its not hard at all once you learn what the words mean.
Giving money isn't a solution. Find out what your parents truly need, and do that. You'll meet your familial obviate without hurting your wallet. Maybe they need to move in with you, maybe a sibling needs to help. Maybe you just need to be more involved with their spending to keep them from bleeding out.
I dont believe in the poverty cycle. You can break out of it. You may not be the next Elon, but your future generations won't have to worry about being in the cycle
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
1 y
Many people won't lend money to family or friends. It's very nice of you to do, but take care of yourself first. Everyone can have some bad times, but if it happens often, is it circumstances beyond their control, or are they the cause of it? Sometimes if you are having trouble telling them "no" or not offering, just think, what would they do (and have to do) if you weren't around? Not helping them isn't selfish, you have to look after yourself first and foremost (nobody else is right?). And do you think they would lend you money if it was reversed? (some wouldn't). Also depending on the circumstances, you might actually be doing them a favor by NOT lending them money (if it means forcing them to do something about their situation). Sometimes "free money" causes laziness.
Personally, I don't put myself in a negative position just because the people around me are also in one. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of helping people out! But not if it puts me in a worse spot. I'd rather get to a good place first, then turn around and help others out.
So, I'd help them out in little ways if I cared a lot. Like more effort-based ways. But not financially if I could barely afford to live in society myself.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
1 y
Can you get them some help from the state or a charity? If there's noone else, I guess you either accept that you need to continue support them and do so willingly, or you find it in yourself to pursue your own life and realise that they must sink or swim on their own. It's all about what you can live with.
If people need help they need to Ask for help. If they Ask and you help, Help. People cannot give something they do not have. Not asking for help when you need Help is Pride. Pride always comes before destruction. Stop offering to force them to deal with that Pride!
Just a suggestion apply for a forebarrance on student loan debt for a year or two that will give you a breather to catch up on all your other bills. When I graduated college I was 100k in the hole with no job upon graduation so for me my choice at the time was to join the Military, you kids today have plenty of options, so take advantage of them.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
1 y
Do what i do and work 2 jobs. You'll escape poverty by putting in more than 40 hours a week. Elon Musk works 80-90 hours a week but he does so not for low money slave labor. On top of my parents being penniless they have also been abusive and neglecting to say the least. It all fell on me including a painful Hernia on my L-S disks at as young as 26 years. So i work 2 jobs and go to the medics for myself. I live alone and i do not Share my money with abusers. I will not have any children.
I can't give more than what would disrupt me financially. It hurts but someone who actually cares about my wellbeing wouldn't ask me to destroy myself to help them out just a bit more.
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2 Reply
Asker
1 y
They don't ask me to. I just offer. Occasionally they get angry about other things. My father has anger issues. And sometimes I find myself offering because I'm panicked and trying to calm him down. But usually I just offer because I know that they need it.
And it wouldn't completely destroy me. That's the thing. Their lives are being destroyed at a faster rate than I can keep up with, but I'm stable enough for myself. What it would do is keep me from building enough money to have a family some day. And that's so important to me. I want kids. And I don't want my children to have the same anxieties growing up that I had.
At the end of the day, I know that you're right. I can't give away more than I can afford. I'm just wondering if there's a way to deal with the guilt.
Read books in the library how to use money and budgetting. Monetize skills. Learn from books. Im on welfare now (living in psychiatry) doing a massage therapy course.
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