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I feel terrible, but why?

My mom was always mean but, A few days ago I got into a heated argument with me mother and I said some really nasty things to her. My mom has always confused me. growing up I wasn’t the favorite I was the scapegoat, the only times she would be nice to me is if I agreed with everything she said. We were “close” but I’ve always known it was probably just her tolerating me because I was all she had after my sister left home. She would admire me one minute but the next I could never do anything right. When my sister left home that’s all she talked about, she talked about how disappointed she she was but every time my sister came back I would go back to being ignored. Growing up all my sister had to do was get an attitude and it she got whatever she wanted. I tried really hard to make my mother see me. I could never make a mistake, I tried to commit suicide once and she finally acknowledged I needed help mentally, I never got it, but I felt like she finally acknowledged my depression. But a 3 months ago she told me I only did it because I didn’t want to be told what to do. it made me angry and I almost called her a bitch. my sister said some very disrespectful things to her as well that night but now that her and my sister are talking again apparently I was the only one being disrespectful that night even though I was the one being quiet and trying to calm them both down most of the time. A few days ago I reached out and she said she stands by what she said but she wants me to apologize for almost calling her a bitch because “I technically did” in her words. I feel like I can’t trust her. But I feel so guilty for the things I said to her after. I called her a whore and told her she was demonic and a bad mother I was so angry but I feel so shameful.
I feel terrible, but why?
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