How can I possibly act normal around my mother?

[JustAnEverydayGirl]

I grew up with an extremely abusive (physically and emotionally) mother who was constantly sleeping around and either drunk or high. I was forced to grow up fast and rely on myself. In recent years my mother has grown exponentially. She no longer has an addiction, or is abusive. She loves herself and has a fiance and a family. But she also wants to try and reconnect with me, she wants to try and be my mother. I thought this was a good thing, but when I'm with her, or hear her voice I just can't help to be brought back to what she's done. And I don't want to interfere in her new life. I'm not sure what to do, because she's finally ready to be my mother, but I'm not sure I'm ready to be her daughter. I know it's not fair to keep avoiding her, but I don't want to tell her that she was basically a bad mom. She knows she's done terrible things and I don't want her to have to relive the memories as well. How should I approach this? How do I tell her I'm just not ready without making things painful?

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm so sorry you've been through so much. I really can't imagine what you've gone through or how exactly I would feel in your shoes.

I think that you need to be way MORE self-centered when you're looking at what's 'right' or 'fair' in this situation.

I think it's wonderful that your mother has managed to change her life so drastically, and has become a better person. That truly is inspiring.

And I think it's just... incredible that you've grown up to be such a kindhearted person.

You are being unfair to yourself here. You are being TOO considerate of other people's feelings here (at the expense of proper consideration of your own feelings).

You have every right to feel the way that you feel.

It is perfectly understandable that you find memories of childhood abuse are making it impossible for you to just let your mother 'be your mother' now that she is finally ready to do so, and is making the effort.

She was a bad mother. As you say, she is certainly aware of that.

I don't know how much or how little of the abuse you endure the two of you have spoken openly about now, as adults. But she must be aware that she wasn't a good mother to you. I know you do not want to rub salt in her wounds. Especially now that she has made such a gigantic effort to change, and to try and be a different person. You feel guilty for "throwing in her face" painful truths about mistakes she has made in her past--mistakes she is doing her very best to make-up for and to earn forgiveness for.

I don't think that your feeling guilty is right in this situation.

YOU were the one who was mistreated as a little kid, YOU are the one who had to suffer unfairly, and it's not your job to KEEP suffering for the sake of your mom's journey of recovery.

In life, you're the 'star' of your own show. You're not an axillary character on you're mom's show.

I think that you should do whatever is best FOR YOU. Regardless of any pain that might cause your mom. I can understand that's hard. Nobody wants to cause their mother pain... but... in this case, you need to. It's only right. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to put YOUR feelings at the forefront of your decision.

It is not your job, as a survivor of childhood abuse, to continue suffering, for the sake of sparing your mother from hurt feelings.

You cannot, and should not continue trying to have any sort of relationship with her, if doing so will negatively impact your life, or your mental health.

I think that whatever pain it may cause your mother, to learn that, years of childhood abuse have made you unable to have any relationship with her now, despite the positive changes she has made in herself.

You deserve to do whatever is best FOR YOU. Without letting the impact on anybody else weigh in that decision. You deserve to think about what's best for you. You're almost too kind-hearted for your own good.

I wish you your rightful share of happiness in this life. I think you've been denied that for most of your life. I really hope that whatever you decide to do, that it leads to the maximum amount of happiness for you. All the best 🙂

[Anonymous]

I think she realised her part and wants to do something decent to her family to her kid.


I know it’s hard but you’ll miss some opportunity to be a good daughter by avoiding her is my feeling.




God has been so Brutal in the Old Testament but later his son Jesus tried different way though he couldn’t live long.


You’re the person that knew her life better than the people in here. I think you should stand on your feet protect yourself, shield yourself, and then give her chance to be your mother, the same blood flows in your veins. Due to the situations surroundings and mentality, people train them selfs to behave accordingly for the life that put them through.




After all good or bad, she is your mother. The only biological connection you’ve on the planet. A some that belongs to you, that’s your precious life. She is the one carried you for 9 months knowing she is going to have an amazing baby. She breathed her breath as your breath.


If she didn’t be a good mother, why shouldn’t you choose to be a good daughter.


End of the day your life, your wish, your situation.

[Rosexøxø]

Wow you’re exceptionally mature and advance in years, but as much as you do care this requires TIME to heal.

I think it’d help if you chose things that were ‘mother and daughter’ related, but they were very contained. Maybe you both catch a movie together, like once a month?

Start a new tradition. Maybe a 10-15 minute phone call 📞 📱 once every week, to just catch up and update on basic NEWS and not emotional stuff?

Maybe a cup of coffee, or movie and quick lunch?

Maybe a quick, kind of hobby together? If you’re both active- an indoor rock climb session, once every 2 or 3 weeks?

It (the relationship) doesn’t have to resemble your old life-

it doesn’t have to be you two at home and talking very very emotionally.

If you don’t want to at least run a quick errand with her like Christmas card shopping and seasons greetings or just a car wash together.

You can remind her that her being healthy and truly living, can have so much more to it. (Not just mothering an adult lady as a young girl or so), She can volunteer at places. Become a mentor for unfortunate people.

Being a mentor will help her find an outlet to express motherly affections without hurting you or making it seem like pretend.

She knows how to do something now, and doesn’t want to be told that her “living different,” doesn’t mean she gets a second chance..

Maybe buy her a puppy and then she’ll be motherly to the dog?

and then she can be a friend or an acquaintance with you to start?

If it hurts and you never heal. At least do the short phone call routine- at a rate you’d feel comfortable with- and one that will show her you haven’t closed her off.

Your healing may not come from telling her how you feel. She couldn’t help her self then. That was her failing as a person not so much a mother- it had nothing to do with you or anyone else she would care for, or anyone she would’ve wanted to make proud.

You won’t heal by sticking it to her.

You truly can heal by keeping the lines short if you need, but mainly living your life to be free and just be.

Be the you, that couldn’t be when she was in her mess.

Let ‘her’ (you) be expressed and to take the hobbies that she wants.

You both deserve that.

To live your lives, wherever placed, and however old.

I really appreciate this question. I relate. I’m proud that a person like you exists and is looking for options to handle this the best way.

I hope you both live long, healthy lives, and don’t go on hurting others or have others hurting you.

Best to you sis. Truly 🙏

[sage2021]

I would explain to her that yes, she isn't like she was before, but that you still have vivid memories and graphics in your mind from the bad things she put me through. And that just because her life is better now, doesn't mean I am at all ready to mend my hurts right now. I will let you know when I and if I am ready. Please don't force the issue about our relationship on me. I am not ready!
How can you act normal around her? Who says you have to? How do you even know what normal is when you never had a normal relationship with her.
Do you ever watch reruns of the tv show MOM? That's what that show us all about. Maybe you can find some to watch.
I had a Mom that was a single mom to me and my older sister. That started at age 4. She had a very hard time in her life. She used to say "We came to America during the great depression and I've been depressed ever since".
Yes, she was high the whole time we were in a relationship, but now I understand it was because she was all alone and she didn't have a life. She did work very hard every single day to pay rent and feed us, but ut wasn't easy at all because my low life father never paid his child support!
It was all on her!
When she fell I'll with Parkinson's disease, then died, I thought to myself at least she is done with this world and she is so done with it all. I actually felt happy for her. She never wanted to be born in the first place.
Yes, we had a lot of arguments, but I was able to let all that go after she passed away.
Even before she passed away, we never were normal. She gave all that she was able to offer, nothing more, nothing less. I love and miss her these days.
Sadly, my sister had her cremated and my brother is a captain of a boat, so he put her ashes in the Pacific ocean. My mom is no more on this earth and since I have had many years to think about what she and I had, I only wish she was here so I could tell her she did her best, how much I miss her, and I will always love her🌹

[Mew97]

Umm. Just adding my thoughts here. You should first sir down and decide what you want. I don't know your age, so maybe you are in an age where you don't technically require any form of parental love/care. Honestly I think you need to ask yourself whether you are willing to play nice with her and be her daughter. Sure, she grew up now but those times will never come back. It's good when people say forgive others, it sounds great on paper and philosophy but reality is different. You can NOT forget the trauma or emotional pain that you were dragged through. Maybe someday you can forgive her and have a cordial relationship with her but you will never be able to forget. Therapy, counseling just won't heal emotional scars. The best they can do is put a balm on your wounds and hope it heals in time. It will get scabbed over but won't completely heal. However , seeing her with her new family or being with her might damage you further, like you can start asking why didn't she do this for me before? Why is she nice to hear new family? Why was it different for me? Why did I had to go through it? Things that will cause your emotional trauma to pain again. So decide wisely. Take sometime, get some quiet, ask yourself What You want. And then decide accordingly. At the end of the day it's only you who knows what path to follow. It's just some advice from someone who went through the same situation as you. Good luck.

[SnowedIn]

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It's so awesome to hear how you've grown (and also how she's grown). At the risk of simplifying this, I think the answer to your question is that you tell her that you're not ready to spend time with her. Maybe say you love her (if that's true and you feel you can) but that now isn't good and you're protecting your mental health and well-being. And leave it there. You're an adult who has come through on the other side and you owe her no explanation or anything else. And then be consistent.

[pinkmoscato]

I'm so sorry, honey. I'm goad your mother has turned around but enduring abuse in childhood does a lot of damage to a person. I think it's beautiful that you can appreciate how she's changed but it makes perfect sense that you are still triggered by her presence and her voice. I think the best thing to do would be to tell her you're not ready to be around her right now. And then I think you should take as much time as you need to work through all the trauma. I highly recommend therapy. It might be very difficult at first but therapy can give you a safe place to feel everything and let everything out. It can also teach you healthy coping mechanisms.

Maybe at some point, you can even invite your mother to go to therapy with you. If she is willing to understand the damage that was done to you and respect your need for healing, I'm sure you can build a new healthy relationship with each other eventually.

[Mynameisbobby]

Sorry you went through that. I think you should do what's best for you. My mother and sister were both abusive to me and unlike your mother she has no interest in being my mother which I'm fine with now. I don't think it would be fair of your mother to just think that everything is fine just because she's doing fine which is great and all, but she needs to realize and respect your feelings about how she treated you. I just think being honest with her about how you feel is the best way to handle it. She probably will be hurt but your hurt from what she did to you. Start by being honest with her and maybe slowly you and her can have a mother daughter relationship again. One thing I learned is that you have to take care of yourself first 💯 everything else will fall into place. Best of luck to you 👍

[D_Bone_Steak]

My Mom tries the same shit... only I think it's all an act. My two sisters fall for her game and here and there my mother's mask slips... she hasn't changed, she's just fucking old now. I make excuses and just try to stay the fuck out of her world.

It's not your duty to make mother happy just because she's trying to do some bullshit different and pat herself on the back. It's not your problem unless you let become your problem. You owe no obligation.

[coachTanthony]

First of all you might want to seek counseling or therapy so you can heal those traumas. YOU come first here. I can appreciate you are worried about her but she can wait. You need to heal you and you need to tell her simply that you would like to talk but right now is not a good time. I really need time to make sure I gather my thoughts and do some healing on my own. Tell her your happy for her but right now I need to focus on me.

[OceanGirl21]

I think it needs to be addressed for both of you to be able to move forward. If she really does want to be a good mom she should be able to hold herself accountable (you shouldn’t feel so guilty about that that you can’t let her do that). A therapist would be a good mediator between you both to help get this back on track.

[suckmytitties]

First don’t invalidate how you feel, it is fair for you to be ignoring her for all the pain she has put you through. If you don’t feel comfortable being around her, don’t. You do not owe her anything. Personally I would let her know i don’t feel okay being around her and keep my distance. If you don’t want to do extra explaining on the reason why leave it at that. Still definitely work on forgiving her and not for her but for yourself, you deserve that peace.

[trina_x]

I guess you should say it up front instead of being off and making her worry
that would be the kind thing to do in my opinion

[Charliefretz329]

My mother was extremely abusive also. I have come to terms that it is due to her mental disabilities/illnesses. I accept her as I would accept a physically handicapped person.


I can still love her but we need our distance.

[Surely]

You have been given so much good advice on here. That all I will say is. I wish you well and take the time you need to heal. But remember. She is the only mother that you will ever have and will not be around forever!
Good luck!

[OddBeMe]

Unfort nothing you can do about her. Only handle your end. And don’t be dependent financially or emotionally etc.

[dustybiker]

It’s okay to think of yourself first.

[Katyalov]

I'm sorry. See a professional counselor/therapist

[Alex8736]

move out

[JustAnEverydayGirl]

I don't live with her. She tries to connect by phone calls and inviting me out.

[Alex8736]

ignore