Am I the selfish one?

[Anonymous]

My aunt is having her first child. She is pregnant and so far has only let her friends be involved in the pregnancy. Gender reveal, baby shower, it wouldn't surprise me if they are the ones at the hospital with her to. The only reason we even got invited to her gender reveal was because she knew my mom was upset, but she didn't even bother inviting her own parents. Now she's 22 and immature for her age, but we are her family. I feel like she should include us at least a little bit. The only time she is even around us is if she needs something. It's been that way since she was a kid. I feel like her boyfriend likes us more and they've been together for not even a year! She's known us her whole life! Now knowing myself I will probably never let her know about me being upset but is it even appropriate for me to say anything? After all this is her child and if she thinks it'll be more enjoyable with her friends that's her choice. I just don't want to mention to her that I'm upset and be turned into the bad guy, she gets very defensive. What would you guys do in my situatuon?

[SteveSmith1985]

No, you aren't being selfish. Everything you say here sounds perfectly reasonable. You feel hurt because you feel your loved-one isn't allowing you to share in this milestone. I think you've got a fully valid reason for feeling the way you feel.

Now:

"Now knowing myself I will probably never let her know about me being upset but is it even appropriate for me to say anything?"

I would strongly urge you to speak up about this. I absolutely think it's appropriate for you to say something. If you're close enough to be hurt by this, than it IS appropriate for you to make her aware of how she's making you feel.

Now, you DO want to be careful HOW you 'say something.' The way you choose to say something can be the difference between 'being heard' and a horrible fight that leads nowhere. So you DO need to wisely choose your word, and overall demeanor/approach when figuring out what to say, and how to say it. You have "a strong case" here. Don't let it get sidetracked by anger, defensiveness etc. The points speak for themselves.

May I strongly suggest, "a letter."

A hand-written, old-school letter. On paper.

There are several reasons a letter is an excellent way to go about this:

1. It will get her attention. If someone hands you a long-ass-hand-written letter... you can't help but understand that someone went to considerable time, thought and effort to say... whatever is in this letter someone just handed to you. It shows that what you're trying to say to her is important, well considered, and something she needs to give due attention to.

2. It forces you to choose your words/tone. You see what you're saying to her, written down in front of you in your own handwriting. If what you say might be taken the wrong way, it's right there for you to notice, and to CHANGE before she 'hears the wrong thing'. It forces you to think more about what it is you really want to say, before you commit words to the page.

3. You don't have to weather any immediate reaction. So she gets this letter, and reads it. She has time to be mad, sad, angry, annoyed or whatever she wants INNITIALLY without you having to hear anything about it. Maybe her knee-jerk reaction will be appropriate. Or maybe she'll have herself a little temper-tantrum. Either way, she can do all of that by herself. You don't have to see any INITIAL stupidness in her reaction. You can expect to hear from her once she's cooled-down (that's if she's even upset in the first place... she likely won't be). But either way, she can't ARGUE with you. All she has is that letter. She can read it several times if she wants.

But giving her a letter also forces her to think and consider before replying. She is unlikely to reach for the phone to call you-up immediately after finishing reading your letter for the first time. She'll think about what it is you've said. And... you've got a good point. Just make sure you 'say it the right way'.