I snitch on my brother and caused his break-up, was that still wrong?

[Anonymous]

My older brother (31 M) was deliberately wasting his girlfriend's time. She's now 27 years old but they've been together for 5 years now. She moved in with him 4 years ago.

A couple months ago, he admitted to me and his other friends that he's been pretending to want a family with her one day but is just doing and saying what she wants to hear. He wants her to stay in the relationship but just as a live-in girlfriend.

I felt terrible for the girl and had a hard time sleeping at night. I felt the longer I was covering up for him, the more I sounded just as bad, as his accomplice. I've recorded one of his conversation and showed it to her. She was devastated, broke up and off course he's now upset with me. Was it still wrong to snitch on him? I felt she deserved to know. As a man, it's like this makes the rest of us look bad.

Yes, he's still your brother... your blood

No, he was doing something wrong

Updates

1 y

My brother now thinks I've ruined his relationship and that I'm suppose to be his trusted ally. But he was doing something wrong, it was deliberately and it was a relationship base on a lie, base on faking a future.

[FilmGuy93]

In fairness to him, he thinks you ruined his relationship because you unquestionably did.

What you did was extremely presumptive and a massive breach of trust, and I would say that it was ultimately inappropriate because his relationship is/was none of your business. At the end of the day, that woman was with your brother because she chose to buy into whatever he was telling her, despite seeing evidence to the contrary. At the end of the day, she CHOSE to be with him, regardless of whether you agreed with that choice.

That being said, I understand why you did it. I have to lean in your brother's favor here, despite his shitty behavior. I am only doing that because I know that women ignore all kinds of red flags with men. That woman knew on some level that your brother wasn't taking her seriously. You just took it upon yourself to confirm that for her, when it wasn't really your place to do so. They weren't married, so this situation doesn't rise to the level of making your behavior acceptable.

FINAL RULING: You're in the wrong, but what you did is super understandable and I don't think less of you for it.

[Asker]

I tried speaking to my brother about it before. I tried to get him to do the right thing, let her go so she can find what she's looking for. It hurt me that he was happy about what he was doing and feeling no guilt about it.

[FilmGuy93]

That sucks, but it doesn’t change the fact it wasn’t your place to say or do anything.

[BlackBeauty90]

@FilmGuy13 - people like you is why society is becoming more and more spineless, is becoming increasingly lacking in morals and ethics. Such behavior is why in 30-50 years the west will be a ceasepool of corruption, immoral behavior, criminal activity, and blatant selfish thoughtlessness.

[FilmGuy93]

@BlackBeauty90 it’s nothing to do with my personal ethics. Someone else failing to have self awareness in their relationship is no one’s burden but their own.

[BlackBeauty90]

@FilmGuy93 - you failed to comprehend the fact that her "boyfriend", pathetic mutt that he was, was lying to her?

[loveslongnails]

" What you did was extremely presumptive" ... " that woman was with your brother because she chose to buy into whatever he was telling her, despite seeing evidence to the contrary."

Let's talk about presumption. First, there's no mention in this account of her ever seeing evidence to the contrary. Based on the swiftness of her move to break up once she HAD evidence, one would have to believe she'd have done something about it sooner had she known. I'd also have to believe that the brother did a great job at maintaining the ruse for all this time by saying and behaving exactly as if it were true. I'm sure that even if a slightest slip showed up, he assuaged her doubts by feeding her just the right lines.

This woman was not actually "making a choice", but rather, being manipulated into thinking she was. Once the culprit confided in his brother, he MADE it his business, and the brother then had to make a choice - one that a brother shouldn't have to make!

At the end of the day, as you say, the brother didn't "ruin" the relationship - he exposed it for the fraud it was and spared the woman even more pain and deceit. He likely did his brother a favor in the longer term by forcing him to look at his bullshit, and how it affects the lives of other people.

As I said in my post, I think he should have convinced his brother that he was being a shithead and that the girl deserved the truth.

[FilmGuy93]

You people are idiots. Anyone with even the slightest social skills can put 2 and 2 together. “My boyfriend says he wants to marry me, but he’s always stalling, even though we’ve been together 5 years.”

Grow up.

[BlackBeauty90]

@FilmGuy93 - not everyone marries 5 days into meeting one another. If the boyfriend was having job issues, trying to finish his education, working with the military, dealing with medical issues, etc. could've been valid reasons to stall. I guess as you may not work you wouldn't know this.

[FilmGuy93]

@BlackBeauty90 nah… I work plenty. I have career, go to school on the side and all of that. I just think there’s value in the saying “always tell the truth, but don’t always be telling it,” that’s all. The girlfriend didn’t ask the poster for his thoughts; he volunteered them, and that’s what I am taking issue with.

[BlackBeauty90]

@FilmGuy93 - you're the sort of person who if a friend admitted murdering or raping someone would say nothing. And why, as I said, the west is going to the pits. Being offended when rotten inconsiderate behavior is called out.

[loveslongnails]

You're entitled to your opinion, that being "it wasn't his place". His brother's opinion was "it's my place to let this woman know she's being used". You will always choose to say that she ignored any signs or never pursued her real desire strongly, or forcefully enough, and thereby was a willing participant. It's the same thing as the deceiver saying to the deceived " aww c'mon, you should've known that no matter how convincing I was to say what I said, or act to make you think I wanted a family, I was just playing you because it had been so long". This is your logic, and that the brother owed it to his kin to keep the deception that was THROWN upon him without his asking. Shame on you.

[Ehjoh1]

You did the right thing by saving this girl from a guy who deliberately used her for his own purpose! I'm proud you had the guts to disappoint your brother but he shouldn't feel that way since he was being a fake.

[Anonymous]

if it's all true as you state, then no it was not wrong. Women in general have a ticking clock. 27 is young but time flies, if he is not thinking of family yet then he should be honest about it because although men have ticking clock as well, men have an extra 10 years or so where she can be using the time she has left to find someone that truly wants to build a family with her, the longer she stays with someone that doesn't, the less time she has to find someone who does. If she had staid longer, she might find the person too late when she's not able to have any babies anymore. so in my opinion if what you said is accurate, then you did the right thing. If he wants a living in girlfriend he can find any other.

[Asker]

I tried to first explain to my brother why it's wrong what he's doing and her limited time but he just wasn't listening. All he kept thinking about was himself, his own needs. He gave me no option but tell her myself. The girl thanked me but was heartbroken, upset and in tears that she wasted 5 years. She blocked my brother and never wants to see nor speak to him again.

Meanwhile my brother is all upset with me, keeps saying I ruined his relationship and how I was suppose to be his trusted ally and support him. I think enabling bad behaviors is just as bad too. My brother can now find a woman that doesn't want marriage nor kids. I feel ashamed when my gender does that.

[Opinion Owner]

in these cases if you do plan to do something about it as you did, it's better to do it anonymously so as to avoid further conflict. simply exposing the truth and let the person make a decision after knowing the truth without you having any involvement. Same goes for when someone is cheating. If someone finds out and feels the need to expose it, then it should be done anonymously because most times they couples end up back together and both blame the person who exposed the cheating instead of thanking them for exposing it. ..

in your situation it's already done but for the future, it's best to do these things anonymously. So long as it's factual information and not conspiracies or with bad intentions etc. That's my advice anyway.

[BlackBeauty90]

Bluntly your brother is a prime example of what is wrong with western society. No thought of others. Selfish, inconsiderate, lying, immortal, gutless. Would not be surprised if he is one of these turds that video records an accident rather than call 911.

And I apologize to you for being related to such an individual.

As for what you did, you proved to be more of a man than he can likely pray to be.

[Asker]

I had a discussion with him before and tried to get him to do the right thing but he gave me no choice. He excused it that he can't find a woman that doesn't want kids nor marriage and so he had to lie to be accepted in that relationship. Then he kept that what she doesn't know can't hurt her and seemed happy about continuing the lie.
I don't understand what's the point of lying. Even if the dating pool of women not into marriage nor kids is reduced, I'm sure there is still one that's on his same page. He should be finding those women, not lying to marriage-minded women.
I hope the girl finds a marriage-minded man. She doesn't want to see nor hear from my brother ever again. She blocked him.

[BlackBeauty90]

See that's the thing. There's plenty of not married women in the world. He just has to go to a bar or club and he'll find women simply interested in cheap flings, friends with benefits, etc. in droves.

Your brother's real problem is, is he wants a respectable woman like his girlfriend but he doesn't want to offer her anything worth staying for. Most respectable women want marriage at some point & that is why his "dating pool is small" because he knows few women will be interested.

Whereas, as said, if he went to a bar or club he'd have no problem finding a woman not interested in marriage. The difference is, is most women in such settings are sleazy, cheap, will sleep with anyone, etc (so not exactly respectable).

[Moose304]

OK, Let's get all the facts in their proper places. At 64 this is not really a problem for me anymore. However, I have always told my friends to not put me in this position. I won't lie and I don't tolerate those that do. I also consider omitting something as a lie as well. I don't have any blood brothers, but I do have friends I have known for so long I consider them brothers. If a friend tells me they are cheating they have ended our friendship. I will then give them enough time to tell their partner or I will. Don't get me wrong, I want a friend to feel comfortable asking for my advice, but advice on how to handle them cheating is never going to happen. I am clear about my feelings on this issue. To the best of my knowledge, none of my close circle of friends have cheated on their partners. Some have been cheated on though. This is how I feel and I will NOT apologize for this.

[AmyHew1tt]

Some people will disagree, but I think you absolutely did the right thing. It doesn't seem like he was planning on telling her himself any time soon, and you saved her a lot of heartbreak further down the road. Blood loyalty can be a huge problem when people think that because they're related to someone they should keep all the bad things they do secret. When it comes to stuff like this, or cheating, I think the person in the dark should without a doubt be told.

I'd say you're a great person for not letting your relationship with your brother stand in the way of doing the right thing.

[Asker]

Yes he was never going to set her free. By the time she would've realized it was going nowhere, she would've wasted another 2-5 years of her life. That's bad for the girl and her time. They don't have too much time like we do.
I've tried voicing my opinion and reasoning with my brother. He wasn't listening and didn't even feel guilt about it. He was happy to continue the relationship base on the lie. So it's like he gave me no choice but to tell her the truth, set her free myself if he wasn't going to do it himself.

[Asker]

My brother thinks I should've still supported him and be his trusted ally. The thing is I can't support bad behaviors. That wouldn't be supporting. That would be enabling him.

[AmyHew1tt]

Yeah, it sounds like your brother's just an asshole. No offense to you.
You 100% did the right thing telling her, and when she's not hurting anymore, I'm sure she'll be extremely grateful. I would be. Wasting someone's time and knowing you're doing it is not something people should take lightly, and there are too many brothers who would let it pass over their heads because "it's their relationship.' That's BS.

[Anonymous]

Imagine someone says it was wrong..

Now compare them level of wrongness to what he was doing. Who was more wrong?

And now think back, remember the "your brother your blood"?

Why can't he forgive you, especially since your wrong is only half as wrong as his wrong?

[Asker]

His ex girlfriend wants marriage and kids like most women and he was deliberately stringing her along. She's devastated because she now feels all those 5 years was a lie, which it was. Before my brother admitted this to me, I had no idea he was faking a future with him. Then he told us this and it hurt me that he didn't even had guilt for it.

[Opinion Owner]

Like I said, if someone expected you to stay cool with it just because he's your bro, and I considered what he did to be many times worse, he should definitely be able to not steam on you.

[wittymilf]

😂😂 I’m pretty sure loads of dudes feel like they don’t want family.. !
Generally you just slip up one day and accidentally have to get on board with the idea.

I have a strict policy if not getting involved with other people’s relationships.

[loveslongnails]

In general, that's my policy and a great one it is. However, there can be exceptions and I think this is one of them especially because it IS family. He's basically deceived her for the prime of her dating life, and he thinks nothing of it. She's still young enough to find a man who wants a family, but now she's doing it according to HIS terms because he lied. In this case, kudos to the brother.

[Asker]

My brother wouldn't listen to me. I've tried speaking with him a couple times, trying to get him to do the right thing and set her free. He just wasn't getting it and was happy about continuing the lie. So it's like he gave me no other option but to tell her the truth.
My brother is still upset and now I'm don't even regret telling the truth. I hope she finds a marriage-minded man. I don't understand the point of lying to keep a relationship.

[Summeroflove]

Yeah it’s definitely wrong. He shouldn’t string someone along. I’m sure there is girls who would be willing to just do that.


People need to be honest about what they’re wanting so they attract who they want and not string a good person along.


It’s unfortunate yeah

[Asker]

yes I don't understand what's the point of having a relationship base on lies. If my brother wants to just have a live-in girlfriend and no kids, then he needs to honest that he never wants kids nor marriage and just to live together.

[Summeroflove]

Exactly

[xColinx]

They move in together 4 years ago?

Seems a good thing they didn't get married. Your bro might not realize it but decent chance you saved him from a marriage & divorce (of his own dang fault) which costs a lot of money.

But at some point you gotta let your bro step in his own shiz and clean it up himself.

[Asker]

As much as things have gotten worse with the divorce cases, he was still lying to her the whole time. A relationship that's base on lies shouldn't continue. It's still not an honest relationship.

[AviatorTom]

You interfered in your brother's relationship... that's wrong. As his sister, you should have talked with him about it, not with his girlfriend. He has every right to be upset with you.

Do you regularly record private conversations? That's a violation of privacy and could even be illegal.

[Asker]

I'm his younger brother and did talked to him about it several times. He failed to listened and was even happy about continuing the lie in the relationship. He was happy about wasting the girl's time. I was upset at how anyone can treat someone like that. I think it was selfish what he was doing. He was thinking of just himself, his own needs.

[loveslongnails]

Once your brother confided this in you, I'd have told him "either you tell her yourself, or I will. You're being a piece of shit and she deserves better than that". Then I'd have given him a set amount of time to do it.

[Asker]

I actually did that. I had a discussion with him a couple times, tried to reason with him. I wanted him to do the right thing and set her free. Everything I told him fell on deaf ears and he had no guilt over what he was doing. He still wanted to continue with the lie for god knows how much longer.

It was a hard decision exposing him but it's like he gave me no other option. If he wasn't going to do the right thing then I would do it for him.

[Anonymous]

Wow. You're an ass! Do you feel like her knight in shining armor? Do you feel like you've improved her life?

You couldn't think of any other way to approach this problem?

It wouldn't be surprising if you've permanently damaged your relationship with your brother. It would be difficult to rebuild trust.

[Asker]

How would you like it if a woman was dating you for just your money for years and pretended to love you? Would you like being led on, string along, lied to?

Prior to doing this, I've voiced my opinion to my brother and tried to get him to do the right thing. All that fell on death ears and he felt happy doing what he was doing, he had no guilt over it. He was thinking of just himself.

[Asker]

If someone was wasting my time and just after my money, I would've liked to know about it for sure.

[Opinion Owner]

Let's be clear. What your brother was doing is wrong. No reason to debate the details.

The question is why did you choose to right this wrong of all the injustices you surely experience on a regular basis? Why did you think it was your responsibility?

[Asker]

I felt that if I had kept quiet about it, then that would've been me supporting his bad actions. It bothered me that he didn't want to do the decent thing of setting her free and it was all about him and his selfish wants. I've tried reasoning with him before and everything fell on deaf ears.

[Opinion Owner]

In the time since you told her, has she said that she's glad you told her?

[Asker]

Yes she thanked me but was crying too. She was devastated to hear that she wasted 5 years of her life. I hope she finds what she's looking for. My advice to her was that in the future she needs to establish a timeframe of 2 years if she wants kids and marriage and leave if he's not on the same page.

[Opinion Owner]

is she in another relationship now?

[Asker]

no she's single at this moment. The break-up was only a couple weeks ago.

[MysteriousDarkness]

Your brother t9ld you he didn't want a family and was telling his girlfriend what she wanted to hear. You did the right thing by telling her so she didn't waste any more time with her boyfriend who is your brother. Yes he is mad at you but if he didn't want his relationship to end shouldn't have told you what he did and better yet not have wasted her time.

[Asker]

Before telling her, I discussed this with my brother a couple times, told him how it was unfair and tried to get him to do the right thing, to set her free. He just didn't care. What he does makes the rest of us look bad. Some of us (me included) actually want a family.

[DaisyM23]

He was definitely doing something wrong but he's your brother, I feel like there could've been a better way to deal with this. But yeah don't feel too bad, you helped her and yeah your brother will be really pissed off for a while but hmm

[Asker]

I just don't understand why can't people be honest with what they want in a partner. The girl felt horrible when she found out about it. She was crying and felt all those 5 years was a lie the whole time.

[Shamalien]

I would have told him what you were going to do before you did it; to force his hand. It would be better if he told her. Overall you are more in the right than in the wrong though. I don’t like when guys waste a girls’ time. I’ve had this conversation with friends before and it never goes anywhere. They are like “well the woman is making a decision” and it’s like yeah true, but if you were totally honest with them they’d probably leave

[Asker]

I spoke to him a couple times first, tried to reason with him and he wasn't listening it. Everything I told him went on deaf ears. He wasn't feeling bad at all. He was feeling happy about continuing the lie. He knew very well if he was honest, she would've left him but he wanted to continue keeping her.
I was hurt and upset at how he can be happy about stringing her along and continuing with the lie. Since he wasn't going to set her free, I felt he gave me no other option but to tell her myself. My brother is obviously upset with me and keeps saying brothers have each other's back the whole time and are supportive. Yes but I feel I can't support bad behaviors, esp if it's done deliberately.

[Shamalien]

He should have listened to you when he had the chance. 5 years stringing a girl along…yeah that’s just wrong

[Little_Bumblebee]

You did the right thing. We shouldn't enable bad behavior for our family or friends, but hold them accountable.

[Asker]

Before that I tried speaking with him about it, tried reasoning with him to set her free, to stop thinking about just himself and his selfish needs. He wasn't listening, had no guilt over it, was happy doing what he was doing and would continue.
I fail to understand how can anyone be happy about having a relationship base on a lie, be happy about stringing along someone and wasting their time?

[Little_Bumblebee]

I've edited to add that it would be better if you'd talked with him first. But since you've done that, you did everything amazing, just too bad your brother ended up being a huge dick.

And I agree with you. I don't understand those who purposely use others, and lie to them.
Better to know you're on the same page and going for the same life together.

[Sisters_Of_Time]

Just a brother looking after his brother for his own good, whether he appreciates it or not! Well done!

[LiamJHayden]

You stuck your nose where it didn't belong and now likely have a brother who will resent you for some time.

[Asker]

I tried to reason with him first, tried to see if he would do the decent thing and set her free. Everything fell on deaf ears and he wasn't even feeling guilt about it. All it was about himself and his selfish needs.
I couldn't help it I guess. I felt terrible for the girl. I've placed myself in her shoes. If I was lied to and my time was wasted for nothing, I would definitely want to know.

[LiamJHayden]

I understand why, but you still should have avoided telling her.

[Sabretooth]

Blood is not worth your moral integrity. Nothing is more valuable than that.

[Staximus]

You should not have told her, but told him that leading her on is wrong

[Asker]

I did several times and he failed to listen. I tried to reason with him, tried to get him to set her free. He would've never done it and even felt happy about continuing the lie.

[Anonymous]

If he was really sincere with her, he should have just told her that so I guess you saved her from wasting her time with him even though that was your brother, so it makes it hard even though it was the right thing to do for her

[Anonymous]

I would have hoped to have talked some sense into him rather than gone to her.

[Asker]

I did tried speaking to him first but he didn't feel bad about it. He was thinking of just himself and he would've continued wasting her time.

[Opinion Owner]

Yep, very difficult situation. But a woman's time to shine is very limited unlike a man's. I tend to agree with your actions.

[Asker]

yes and by the time she gets to her 30's, she'll likely try pressuring a man for marriage and no men is going to be willing to commit at a shorter pace. I gave her my advice to only put 2 years as her timeframe and move on if neither are on the same page.

[Andres77]

Taking advantage of anyone is wrong. I think you did the right thing