Is it unfair to ask my daughter, who is studying at school, to help with the housework?

Question

I am getting tired and I believe she can help me with the housework...

CubsterShura · Accepted Answer

Highly depends on HOW you approach the matter. Teaching your children to do chores around the house is excellent parenting, however, the way you are wording it is concerning me.

My mother never taught me to cook or do any household chores although she is excellent at everything. Her food is amazing, her sewing is great, she knows how to take good care of fabrics to stay in good condition for a long time... And I learned nothing. Even when I asked her the recipe to make something she would just say "I'll make it for you". If I attempted to make something in the kitchen her body language made it clear that my presence is bothering her and she wants me to leave. Once she was sick so I was making something by myself... She still got up and took over. I'm currently studying abroad, thousands of miles away from home. And one day I asked my mother for the recipe for a dessert because I was craving it. Soon afterwards I received a package sent from home with some things I requested them to send me, and within those items I also discovered they sent me a pre-mix box of the dessert that I wanted to make (like those cake mixes you find in stores). I just cooked without even letting her know when I wanted, and if I want a recipe and I don't want to look it up online I ask my sister, aunts or even friends, but definitely not my mother. She does it out of care, she feels guilty to think anyone else in the house is cooking when she is there, she wants us to study instead, but don't be like her. Everything I know I learned by myself, I'm nowhere near as good of a cook as my mother but I am decent, I need to refine my techniques but my flavors always make everything I make a hit.

Now let me tell you about my best friend. She went to a boarding school that taught skills like cooking, sewing and cleaning. She came out of it knowing almost every cooking technique, and other things. Her father is abusive (part of why she was sent to boarding school), and since she came out of that school her mother has been making her do all household chores. Initially we thought her mother is just depressed from her abusive marriage, but as several years have passed and her mother makes her do EVERYTHING, to the point that she won't even make her own bed if my bestie is too busy and she will get petty about it. My bestie is also very busy with uni right now and her mother seems visibly jealous whenever she is busy with something else other than taking care of her. To the point she purposely watches something with loud volume when my bestie is studying, and when she goes to hang out with friends her mother calls her to get back home immediately because she has to do the groceries and cook dinner. Mind you her mother is perfectly able-bodied and could do all these things herself but she chooses not to and it's become a manipulative tactic of keeping my bestie near her as she is miserable alone, my friends and I all tell her that the mother is becoming the child now. I rarely visit my home country and unfortunately could not see my bestie much because of it, even when she tried to convince her mother by explaining we haven't seen each other for so long and my flight is in two days it didn't work. As you can see, this is completely opposite to my situation, far worse by any means possible and please don't do this to your child either.

Now talking about my niece. My sister and I both were not taught cooking at home so my sister wanted to make sure that my niece learns. She got her involved with simpler dishes first, and because my niece watched some YouTube and sometimes came across recipes that she wanted to try, she was allowed to do them. She's not even 10 years old but made coffee for her father every morning during covid lockdown. Getting her involved in the kitchen and letting her try making simple recipes is perfect for her age in my opinion, and I fully support it as well. She likes making dishes like iced tea/coffee and different juice blends, so I bought her a silicon mold with very cute shapes that she can use as ice molds, chocolate molds or for anything else. She loved the gift. I asked her to help me pack before my flight and it was a nice way of spending some time with her and bonding before I left. Make chores fun for them, let them do a simple thing or two when they can, allow them to feel independent and responsible but don't put a disproportionate amount of workload on them.

Now, coming to you. I don't know how old your daughter is and how much household she can do. But if you have NOT gradually taught her from a young age but suddenly expect her to start doing them now because YOU are getting tired now... You are being unfair to her. Now if you start putting expectations on her and she cannot fulfill them properly you will potentially make her feel bad for it when it is not her fault at all, it will only make her disdain doing chores even more and then you will come on the internet acting like the victim 'am I wrong to make her do this'... If you want her to start helping around the house start with simpler tasks, don't get mad if she makes an error and be patient. Remember that it's not on your child to take over the chores because you are getting tired, especially at your young age.

I wish to encourage my children to help around the house for their development so that they can become responsible and independent adults. I would never look at it in a "I'm getting tired" way.

Cynicaldreamer · Accepted Answer

She can and she should.

When I was a kid, my mom expected me to help with chores (sweeping, mopping, dusting, washing clothes, etc), go to school...and I made honor roll. It's not too much to ask of her to set aside a few minutes to contribute, I assure you. It's called "time management."

Obviously, I mostly helped out on the weekends mostly, or in the evenings before I went to bed. Again, it's not that hard: it doesn't take that long to wash dishes, sweep, mop, or honestly anything to help out. Most kids nowadays are just lazy and entitled little twits (no offense to your daughter, I mean younger kids as a whole).

GoodManDave · Accepted Answer

It depends on a few things.

In Freshman year of college, I was taking 18 credit hours. I had maybe one to two hours of “relax time” per night, if that, which was working out, or eating dinner, cleaning, or trying to nap. I rarely slept. IF I went home on the weekends, which was unusual, I helped a little, but honestly, I’d just crash. One class alone often took up a whole week to just do the work. Then I’d have to catch up on the other four classes. At the time, our in class in session hours were twice what most colleges were.

Then I’d get screamed at by dad for being a lazy piece of crap - usually I’d sleep or work a part time job during holiday vacation or something.

If she’s ten, and she’s spending all day playing video games or never has homework, she can start doing some small simple things.

If she’s 15, doesn’t have a hectic part time job and does school, and she’s got time to do a lot of fun/social things, then she’s got time to do some stuff that helps “the family” out.

If she’s expected to do class, a part time job, gets all A’s, and is expected to do Bible studies, AND church, and six-ten extracurricular activities a week, let’s say sports; so she’s running around to all these meets… then it’s a bit much, IMHO. She should cut back so she doesn’t get burned out… and then she can help more around the house.

bayoubob · Accepted Answer

That is what we call an entitled person. I had a room mate who thought he was above doing regular upkeep. He was SO BUSY with work, with College, with EVERYTHING, he just has to act like the world revolves around him. It doesn't. That was early 20's have you. Now 40's. Obviously he has changed and apologized for it. At one point he even ditched our living abode? Leases and Rent agreements didn't matter to him. He thought he could just leave us stranded, move out, go into a Studio apartment without any kind of notice, or anything. Like I said. He saw the errors in his ways. Apologized and everything afterwards.

Faith18letsgo · Answer

Yeah as long as you don’t have a son who’s getting away Scott free absolutely! It’s good for people to participate in the housework. If you can it’s better to say, hey ___ can you help me in the kitchen? Then say, hey can you get the trash? Because that way you can be working together so she can ask you questions and she won’t feel alone.

Adaeva · Answer

Studying doesn't take that much time. You can ask her to make her bed everyday and keep her room clean and titty. She can vacuum twice a week and she can wash dry and put away the dishes after dinner. If she doesn't do it right, ask her to do it again.

If she puts up a fuss, take away her allowance and buy her second hand clothes until she does her chores and does them right.

Haha456 · Answer

if you want her to get straight A's. Its best to not make her do housework. Because high school can be very stressful. I remember being in high school. Let her study, get good grades, do well in college admissions testing so she can get into a decent college.

LadyKitty · Answer

Definitely. Just because she chose to go to school doesn't get her out of housework. If she worked and lived in her own place, she would still need to clean it up even if she is tired. I'd ask her to do basic housework in the very minimum such as washing dishes.

Guy13 · Answer

An added regular housework interval, If for no other reason than to kill the tunnel vision mentality and enhance both scheduling and multi-tasking abilities , is an opportunity.

Try that… Or, she can find a healthy young Frat guy, whose service project needs to be filled, to do interior clean and exterior yard. Case of beer or 1/2 gallon Makers is an effective procurement tool. 😎

DizzyDesii · Answer

Its not unfair but we’ll always use the “i have to study/do homework” excuse to get out of it 🤣 My mom had to except that I’d only do extra cleaning once every 2 weeks. I didn't mind washing dishes every other day. But i wasn't doing all that other cleaning stuff every day/week when i was finally free of school work

lightbulb27 · Answer

life isn't fair, and no. we train our kid to do some things. She does exactly what was trained, and nothing more. frustrating... but that's it. otherwise, school work.

It's good for her in many ways. you can designate Sunday for such activity...

it's all training...

oddwaffle · Answer

Depending on the age and the amount of work. However, the main issue here is not asking her to help but to realize the amount of housework you have is unsustainable.

The solution is to either reduce the work needed or find other things to manage the house work. Replace or throw away stuff that you don't use or broken. Get a cleaning bot to clean and mop. Get better laundry equipment. Free up the house of items... etc.

RavVid · Answer

It depends. Is it a question of homework or housework? What year is she in and what is the recommended number of hours of homework?

I think homework has priority - sorry.

On the other side of the coin, I took a break from college, worked for a while and on return to college got far better grades because I treated study as work.

So I could see it as being beneficial if housework helps your daughter to become more task oriented. Maybe cut and try and see what happens.

exitseven · Answer

I hjad chores when I was growing up. I didn;t like it much but I still did it. When I had my own kids many times it would be faster for me to do it myself than have to chase my kids to do it. It did not take long before they figured it out.

Anyway- make her help you. You probably have a job and come home tired.

nickaboy · Answer

She can help with the dishes and keep her own room clean but don't ask more.

Assuming she is studying something usefull her homework should be priority 1 and social life priority 2.

If you gonna ask her to help with everything she won't have time left for a life

Anonymous · Answer

Chores help kids learn responsibility and self-reliance.

Assigning children regular chores helps teach them responsibility. Tasks that personally affect your kids, such as cleaning their room or doing their own laundry, can help them become more self-reliant at the same time.

Luopio27 · Answer

Family is about looking our for each other. So by all means. Let her know how much you have done for her, how much of your money and freetime have you invested in her wellbeing. Let her know your love and let her know your need for help around the house.

SphynxUK · Answer

Depends how old she is. She can tidy her own room, and maybe do something light on the weekend.
She’s at school all day and probably has homework most evenings. To start cleaning I think is too much, but she could wash up or dry the dishes etc…

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Answer

I guess it depends on how much she can handle in terms of a physical workload alongside a mental workload.

Aerissa_Jade · Answer

If she doesn't want to help around the house she is free to move anytime she wants. My parents have a rule, if you live with them, you have to help out, even if you are paying rent.

Don't like it, move out.

SeriouslyFunny00 · Answer

No. Life doesn't revolve on studying alone, she has to learn some life skills as well. It's for her own good also. Assuming she's still full of energy and doesn't have any illness, she can do both. 🤗

AmandaYVR · Answer

Yes, it's fair. This is parenting today, for many - "Oh, your job is to be a good student. You don't have to do any chores or things that contribute to the family." Uh... what? Some people think this is crazy talk. Real crazy.

Mmmariaxc · Answer

No she can clean up after herself at very least otherwise she will have problems when she live alone and has a job. If you get her to do a fair share you are setting her up for success even if she’s not that happy about it now.

petitedollbabee · Answer

If she’s living with you, no that’s not unfair. When she lives away from home she will have to do housework. Best to help her get used to doing things around the house while she’s still living at home.

DesiUwU · Answer

bro, that's all i do is help with housework, i thought it was normal for parents to enslave their children

sheikalana · Answer

Not unfair at all. My mom used to ask me to do small tasks all the time. Teenagers have literally nothing to do with their lives apart from studying and there's no way they will be studying 24/7.

AviatorTom · Answer

No, it's not unfair. She should be helping out with housework, and you should make sure there's the proper balance between housework and schoolwork, with schoolwork the priority.

melanieeeB · Answer

Hell no, just cause she is studying doesn't mean she can lay at home and be lazy and make you do all the work

Anonymous · Answer

depends on what the housework is? just dishes? that's quick and easy. just taking out the trash? quick, easy. is she stressed? does she have a job along with going to school? does she have any free time?

jennifer_bloom · Answer

I do not believe that everything in the family has a predetermined standard - how you arrange chores in your house is your decision.

Sparkie460 · Answer

I had to do chores when I was living home. I moved out on my own when I was 18 years old. My kids are grown up, still living home and they have chores to do around the house. Just tell her you need her help.

Sasha0426 · Answer

I don’t think it would be. As long as you find a balance where she can help with housework but also have time to do homework, then it should be fine. Just gotta talk to her.

Anonymous · Answer

School work is important. But what is she also doing to support the household? We can assume she'll have a household of her own at some point. Teaching her things now may arguably be more important.

sunflower00 · Answer

Yeah of course, but I wouldn’t get her to do everything

AngryCarl2 · Answer

Students live in their own filth so clearly studying and housework are incompatible.

JPresidente · Answer

If they live in your house and they have two arms and two legs and you're feeding them and raising them, then they can contribute and help out.

Subarugirl · Answer

she's a part of the household. Give her a list of reasonable chores that are her responsibility.

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

I would sit down and have a talk with her about helping out.

IveGotNoName · Answer

Ofc, if she lives under your roof she should help with the housework.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

Kids should help out around the home. It's good for them to learn life skills from an early age

BJP21 · Answer

As long as its not a final or a test... YES she should.

scooogy · Answer

As someone having been asked to bring home best marks while having time for friends, family, church and jobs I'd say... yes.

DARKCLOUD1945X · Answer

She had time to make it dirty she can make time to clean it

Paul09 · Answer

It's the least she could do , is help you a bit.

ItsMykolaJenkins · Answer

Ofc she can... damn I did that my whole life

jimmy2 · Answer

I tell you I know the cotton picking house work never dies off

Kingofkings1992 · Answer

Not unfair at all. As long as she’s under your roof, she should contribute around the house.

panamared1 · Answer

She should have a few chores, teach her to budget time

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

With today's amount of homework? Yes.

Summeroflove · Answer

Yeah absolutely! Especially if you’re also working

dustybiker · Answer

Good start to being a responsible adult.

boggboss · Answer

If she still lives there that's more fair

EmmaMary · Answer

Just how old is your daughter?

Smoothing · Answer

How old is your daughter?

tfan1 · Answer

Not at all. Everyone needs help 👍🙂

Mynameisbobby · Answer

Not at all!! I believe she should help out

Brando10222 · Answer

A little is fine but not a lot

Alex8736 · Answer

she is still living under your roof

Sabretooth · Answer

Don't put it all on her.

Figurine89 · Answer

It should be part of her chores

Danny_dan92 · Answer

No. It’s not

Anonymous · Answer

Absolutely

Preeti161101 · Answer

Good idea 💡👍

Dinosaursandanime65 · Answer

🦖🦖🦖🦖No.

Is it unfair to ask my daughter, who is studying at school, to help with the housework?

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