I have high-functioning autism. Throughout my life, it has been a challenge to read social cues. When I was in middle school and high school, I had traumatic experiences. I went from a diverse public elementary school where I made all of my friends to a small private middle/high school where I connected with nobody. Nobody was interested in being my friend, even before I opened my mouth. Everybody was close-minded and iced me out of everything. Now I am in college, and I have finally found friends, especially on my track team. There is a girl on the team named Dana, and she was my first friend on the team, and she still is. I feel like Dana and I was meant to be friends. We have countless inside jokes, our personalities complement each other, and my energy levels increase when I am around her. We sometimes look at each other and start laughing just because. Last weekend at a party, I wasn`t feeling 100%. I think she might`ve picked up on it; she came up to me 3-4 times during the party to see how I was and told me, at one point, I was her best friend on the track team. I remember I replied by asking her if she was drunk because I didn't feel like I was worthy of a friend like her or a friend, period. At that same party, a guy who was utterly wasted said that she was his best friend on the team even though she and I were always together at practices. The Monday after the party, she and he seems to be bonding and getting closer together. They talk about getting together and having a smoke together and going to parties together. I am not a drinker or a party person. I try to initiate plans, but Dana seems to either be busy with work, or the activity isn't her thing. I always worry that I will lose my friendship with her, and I don't want to. Someone, please give me advice on how to navigate this friendship and friendship period.
Can someone please help out a young man with high functioning autism?
First, it's important to note that friendships between guys and girls are rarely genuine. We're biological creatures meant to mate, or not. Also, she can never understand your experience as a man, nor you her as a woman. Friendship can occur between men because we understand your experience; we've lived it- she has not.
You seem to think that this person understands you, and has some metaphysical bond with you- she doesn't. She's just one of the first people who have been nice to you. When we have our first love we ascribe all types of attributes to them, putting them undeservedly on a pedestal, which is clearly what you've done with this girl.
That's the first step: recognize you have feelings for her, and understand that you cannot view her as you do and still be her friend- not to mention you need to reevaluate what you ACTUALLY have with this girl (you're buddies on the team).
Second, you need to address the schema of you being undeserving. Nobody DESERVES a friend, or a lover, or anything. People deserve what they work for, period. If you work for a friend you'll make friends. On top of this, you seem to have this idea that you can read other peoples minds when you cannot. Assuming you know people aren't interested in you because they're not overtly pursuing you is a false schema; It's just an idea you have in your head (i. e. "nobody is interested in being my friend")
Lastly, this girl recognizes the inherent dynamics between men and women, which is why she isn't interested in entertaining you on individual "dates," which is what your inviting her out comes across as. Sorry to say, she's not interested in you, but it seems she is interested in this other guy, which is why she's making plans with him.
My suggestion, address the ideas you have that are harmful, then keep trying to make friends. I would NOT suggest close friendships with girls, because aside from the sex dynamic they are hugely turned off by clingy guys, and those who put them on a pedestal. This is why there's a stereotype of nice guys finishing last, or girls loving A$$holes- girls literally are repulsed by guys "worshiping them."
She already has a boyfriend. The other guy and I are just her friends and I wholeheartedly acknowledge that. I love being her friend but all I want is to do an activity together with her boyfriend and maybe another individual.
I have a girlfriend- she has platonic "guy friends" from before we met. I would NOT be okay with her hanging out with them individually, and I would NOT be interested in us going out as a group. You need to acknowledge that you're not just two people; you're a guy and she's a girl.
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First, it's important to note that friendships between guys and girls are rarely genuine. We're biological creatures meant to mate, or not. Also, she can never understand your experience as a man, nor you her as a woman. Friendship can occur between men because we understand your experience; we've lived it- she has not.
You seem to think that this person understands you, and has some metaphysical bond with you- she doesn't. She's just one of the first people who have been nice to you. When we have our first love we ascribe all types of attributes to them, putting them undeservedly on a pedestal, which is clearly what you've done with this girl.
That's the first step: recognize you have feelings for her, and understand that you cannot view her as you do and still be her friend- not to mention you need to reevaluate what you ACTUALLY have with this girl (you're buddies on the team).
Second, you need to address the schema of you being undeserving. Nobody DESERVES a friend, or a lover, or anything. People deserve what they work for, period. If you work for a friend you'll make friends. On top of this, you seem to have this idea that you can read other peoples minds when you cannot. Assuming you know people aren't interested in you because they're not overtly pursuing you is a false schema; It's just an idea you have in your head (i. e. "nobody is interested in being my friend")
Lastly, this girl recognizes the inherent dynamics between men and women, which is why she isn't interested in entertaining you on individual "dates," which is what your inviting her out comes across as. Sorry to say, she's not interested in you, but it seems she is interested in this other guy, which is why she's making plans with him.
My suggestion, address the ideas you have that are harmful, then keep trying to make friends. I would NOT suggest close friendships with girls, because aside from the sex dynamic they are hugely turned off by clingy guys, and those who put them on a pedestal. This is why there's a stereotype of nice guys finishing last, or girls loving A$$holes- girls literally are repulsed by guys "worshiping them."
She already has a boyfriend. The other guy and I are just her friends and I wholeheartedly acknowledge that. I love being her friend but all I want is to do an activity together with her boyfriend and maybe another individual.
I have a girlfriend- she has platonic "guy friends" from before we met. I would NOT be okay with her hanging out with them individually, and I would NOT be interested in us going out as a group. You need to acknowledge that you're not just two people; you're a guy and she's a girl.
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