My girlfriend has a really shady guy friend...

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend, Kara, and I have been together for about 7 months.

For the most part things have been pretty good.

We are both 24 and attend the same university as masters students.

However, we are in separate programs.

To be accepted into a masters program at our university prospective students must come in for an interview.

Current students (as well as faculty) interview these prospective students.

A few months ago Kara interviewed Eric.

Eric was eventually accepted into the program and he would email/call my girlfriend questions about the program, the faculty, books, etc.

He is from out of state, also, so he would have to move to attend school.

Kara said she would give him books that she no longer needed for school.

A month or two ago while looking for apartments in the area, Eric called my girlfriend asking if he could come over to grab the books.

This was 10pm...on a Saturday. I was over at the time and Eric knows I am with Kara, but I just found it a little shady that he invited himself over especially that late at night.

My myself, my girlfriend, Eric and a few other people over Kara's house the time ending up going to the bar.

A few weeks later Eric asked if he could come over Kara's house.

I wasn't there, but apparently the reason Eric asked to come over was because he had appointments in school and didn't want to wait in his car between appointments.

Anyway, last week Eric finally moved into the city. Kara mentioned "Oh Eric is moving in." I just thought it was strange she went out of her way to say that.

He is from a few hours away, so he has to move for school and he texted my girlfriend at 1am on a Saturday to say he was all moved in.

I was over at the time and thought it was super shady he was texting her at 1am to say that.

In my gfs masters program there are about 50 people (15 guys, 35 girls). Out of all the guys I have met in the program they all seemed cool and fun -- except Eric.

Something about him rubs me the wrong way.

I know if I was texting a girl at 1am my girlfriend would be pissed. Or if some girl came over at 10p on the weekend .. even if it was just to get books...she would be mad.

In all fairness, I was over both times this happened and while Eric might know I am with Kara, he probably could care less.

Kara says she is just friendly to Eric because he is new to the area and doesn't have many friends.

She also says "oh Eric just contacts me because he doesn't know anyone around here, etc etc"

I don't ever accuse her of hooking up with him, but she will be like "We've never hooked up" or "I spend all the time with you anyway, so you know I am not being shady."

Maybe I am being ridiculous, but I just think her responses/the way she worded them are sketchy.

I wouldn't mind this guy if Kara and him were best friends, but they've hung out twice.

Still, something is fishy.

I am not a jealous person, but this rubs me the wrong way and I can't figure it out.

Am I overreacting here or is there cause for concern?

[bucklegirl123]

well now you know what its like to be jealous and you care about her so that's why you are acting this way :) I'm more then sure nothing is going on. Does she still treat you the same? if so that's good! But I think she is trying to be friendly. And did you just hear yourself?!? lol "but they've hung out twice." That's fine! She can have guy friends. He might be crushing but I'm sure she's not she probably thinks he's being friendly. he probably texted her at 1 just because that's when he got done? Or what was his time zone? could b earlier from where ever he came from and just didn't realize quite how late it was? Never know? I'm not saying that nothing is happening but I'm not saying that there is. Try making friends with him too. He could be a great guy never know! hope this helped!

[aly-marie]

From what you've said here, I wouldn't be too worried about it. Maybe she's tried reassuring you because she knows you're worried. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt unless she herself starts acting strange. This guy may be sketchy, and it's easy to develop a crush on the first person who's friendly to you in a new place, but I would trust that she'll keep him in check. You know what kind of person she is. My boyfriend knows I can be a little too nice sometimes, but he also knows I love him and I don't want anyone else. Maybe try getting to know this guy better? Make your presence known. And ask her not to hang out with him alone if it really bothers you. It's not much to ask of her.

[Asker]

thanks for the answer.

i don't want to control who she hangs out with.

i mean if this guy invites her to lunch, I don't want to invite myself.

she should be able to hang out with whomever she wants whether one or one or in a group.

the thing is...this guy probably could care less than she has a boyfriend and if he's texting her at 1am and inviting herself over, he's basically saying that.

considering that he moved closer to her...i am now worried.

[Asker]

***inviting himself over

[Asker]

*inviting himself over

[aly-marie]

Well how much do you really trust her? It doesn't seem like you have enough confidence in your relationship. Someone who loves you will not cheat on you. If they do cheat, then they obviously don't love you enough and you need to just let them go.

[Asker]

good point.

maybe I do lack confidence in our relationship.

who knows.

[win-win241]

I think it may be a bit early to jump to any conclusions, but his actions do seem a bit odd for someone who knows that the girl he's talking to has a boyfriend. I'd wait it out a bit and see if this continues. If you're really bothered by it, you could talk to your girlfriend and maybe jokingly say that she should find him a girl so that all 4 of you can hang out sometime. It's a bit of a sneaky approach but at least you wouldn't come off as being a jerk about the whole thing I guess.

[Asker]

Would his actions bother you?

You can be honest.

I am just wondering if you were in my situation would you be bothered by him texting/inviting himself to hang out with your girl?

Thanks!

[win-win241]

In your shoes, yes, I would definitely be bothered...like, I'll only text a girl that late at night if either:

1.) we're in a relationship

2.) we're in the initial "flirting" stages of a relationship

3.) she's expecting the text (like she knows I'm coming to town or something)

4.) drunk text

As an observer though, I think you should try play it cool to avoid a big fight. When they hang out though I think you should try to be there if possible.

Is she initiating any contact with him?

[Asker]

she says that he initiates the contact. she says it isn't like "want to hang out?" it's more like "can I come over?" almost inviting himself over. I think she is oblivious to the fact that this guy wants to have sex with her because she thinks he is just being friendly cause he is new to the area. on the other hand if they do hang out and get lunch or something I don't want to invite myself. I trust my girlfriend with her other guy friends, but something about this guy is shady.

[win-win241]

Gotcha, it's more of a "I trust her, don't trust him" thing. Well, if he keeps it up with the late night texts and the constant wanting to come over, I think you will have to say something to her about it. Just make sure that you don't make it sound like you're accusing her of anything. It just needs to be that you trust her and care about her, but you just don't trust this guy. Depending on how you say it she should understand though because it's obvious that you care.

[win-win241]

You could always go with asking about her trying to set him up with someone. As for lunch though, if she tells you she's going to lunch with him, I see what you mean about not wanting to invite yourself. You could go the route of just saying something like, "dang, I really like the (some food) at that place, wish I could go but I think I'll be busy" or ask her if she could pick up that (some food) when she goes. That way it'll be a short lunch because she has to bring your food back.

[Asker]

yea, thanks a lot, good points.

she did mention at one point (when she first met him) that she wanted to hook him up with ashley, a girl in her program. but ashley is dating someone now.

the thing is...i don't want to hang out with this dude. what if my girlfriend and a bunch of her friends (including eric) all go out. I don't want to fake be nice to him and I have a feeling if I see them talking or flirting I'll get mad.

i guess it bothers me that she doesn't think he is acting shady.

[win-win241]

That's a good sign though that she wanted to hook him up with Ashley. Yeah, hanging out all together will be difficult. You could just try and act neutral towards him, but make sure it doesn't seem like you're a jerk or she'll notice. Basically, acknowledge his presence, talk to him if he tries talking to you, but make sure you're attention is always on your girl (like standing next to her & whatnot). If he does talk to her, try all you can not to get mad.

[Asker]

thanks so much for your help

[win-win241]

If you're out with friends, it's possible one of her friends will pick up on what this kid is doing, and they may bring it up with her. That on top of you having previously mentioned the situation may help her realize what's going on. I know it really sucks because you can't get mad at him because it'll make you look like an @$$ and you can't just sit by and watch this happen. So I guess if this continues, you need to talk to her about it, otherwise it'll create a crack in your relationship.

[Guitarguy101]

Sounds weird to me.. If my girlfriend did that I'd sit down and talk to her, If you two truly are in GOodluck man.