Hello all, I'm a 21yr F, I have a friend - let's call her 'coconut', 22 F.
Coconut got into a relationship with a guy, he was not a bad person, however, when he was in a relationship with Coconut his 'dark side', which we all have, was brought out. Long story short there was tons of drama, toxicity, and tears.
I did my best to help Coconut, so when she and her boyfriend got into arguments I was there to try and mediate the situation. I tried to create a boundary between myself and their relationship. However, many times my boundaries were crossed and they both selfishly put me in the middle of their relationship which made me anxious and uncomfortable. A plethora of times my work was disrupted due to a knock on my door, a text at the library, a call at the gym, etc all for their arguments- and for a time it felt like my life revolved around them.
I am a people pleaser so I let them distract me with their problems, I said ‘yes’ many times when I was thinking ‘no’. Please note Coconut and I lived in the same dorm during 2nd year so when he came over and then they argued they had easy access to me.
In the middle of my 3rd-year coconut and I had made somewhat plans to live in the same dorm - because that's what she wanted, however, after much reflection, I realized I did not want to live in the dorm she lived in or with her.
There was another dorm that was perfect for me due to the social and academic plans I had made for this year it was cheaper and closer. I messaged her that I wanted to live in another dorm, and she then said ‘So you don't want to live with me, whatever’. I said that it wasn't about her I just want to be away from any form of drama to focus on my work and live in a place where I could be alone.
I asked if she was upset but she said she was only shocked, however, she's now been ignoring me ever since, yet still posting on social media so it's obvious she's upset with me.
I don't want to lose this friendship but this all seems petty and silly?
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Sounds like a tricky situation. Coconut may feel hurt or betrayed by your decision not to live with her next year, thinking it's a personal attack or rejection of her as a friend. But ultimately, you need to prioritize your own needs and desires, and living in a dorm with less drama and distractions seems like a very reasonable solution. It might also be helpful to remind Coconut that the choice had nothing to do with your friendship, it was simply about creating the space and environment that will allow you to focus on your studies. Hopefully, with some honest communication and understanding, your friendship can survive this small setback.
tysm for this advice, i loved the way u phrased this perfectly
Glad I could help! Relationships can certainly be complicated at times, but it's often worth it to try to reach a better understanding with the people that are important to us. I hope things work out for you and Coconut and you can move past this misunderstanding.
i know you don't want to lose this friendship, but really what are you gaining out of being friends with her beside toxicity? you expressed you didn't like the drama, and she has no excuse to be putting all her emotions from HER relationship on to you. please say goodbye to the toxic people in your life. they do nothing but hold you back.
i understand ty for ur opinoin
You hurt her feelings and now her ignoring you is her reaction to her hurt feelings.
If you communicate with her how you’ve been feeling in a way that doesn’t blame her or put her in a corner but just to express yourself about the previous drama but also how much you care for her as a fiend and hope to continue. It could do some good. She may decide she no longer wants to be friends, so just be as prepared as you can be for how things move forward.
How have I upset her?
I did try to further explain my reasons but i don't think she understood what I was saying and just ket centering the issue about me not wanting to live with her. If anything her actions have hurt me becuse she has refused to even try and understand, and won't let me know how or if i have upset her
I feel like I'm just tired of preoccupying her feelings and not doing what i want to do, i get that you're tenderhearted, but your comment made me feel like I've done something terrible or that im a mean person lol
Lol I understand where you’re coming from. I’m more blatant terms, you’ve hurt her feelings by no longer wanting to live with her, that’s all. I’m addressing the issue of her ignoring you and what steps you could take to potentially resolve the issue.
100% agree that she’s hurt you by not hearing you out and her lack of understanding of your needs and wants.
But to my knowledge since I only have the info you’ve shared, you haven’t told her why you’re hurt, neither of y’all are mind readers. But if she refuses to hear you out then maybe there’s no choice but to leave her be, especially if you feel like being her friend means that you’re emotionally compromised all the time. And likewise on her end, if she isn’t going to tell you what her problem is then you can move about your life as oblivious as she pretends to be.
It just comes down to which issue are you trying or wanting to address.. y’all both hurt each other unintentionally.
And forgive me, I did not mean to make it seem like you’re to blame lol
Right thank you for the clarification, this makes sense, i think ur right lol i think ill do this, its always me being the first to reach out anyway because she has her pride and can be stubborn (she's said this about herself) - ty for ur input
Sounds like you know what it’s like to be tenderhearted too. I hope it goes well!! (:
ty :-)
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