Is it normal to feel that now I can't trust any male friend?

[Vesuvius87]

One male friend (Mateo) I would hang out a couple times knew very well there would never be any romantic interest between us. I treated him the same way as if I were talking to my female friends. Then one day he invited me to his house supposedly just for a chat but I had to stop him several times when he was placing his hands on my breast and then waist. He apologized and claimed he didn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable, that it was just some test to ''help me get over my past heartbreak and not be shy''. I haven't heard from him since. I got ghosted the following week.

Just today, another male friend (Luis) from a former job met up with me at the mall. I consider him a good friend I can talk about some issues I've been undergoing and catching up with the past and our younger years; the same thing as if I were talking to my female friend. He invited me to a private place and then paid for it. Darn, that was a red flag but then again, he had agreed there is nothing between us and we were just friends. Wrong. He tried making moves and placing his hands on my breasts a couple times until telling him not to. Like the 1st guy, he apologized for making me uncomfortable but the whole thing got awkward from then on and he got me on a ride back home. Now it's likely I'm going to get ghosted by him too.

It seems I can't even trust a guy friend either. I have no romantic feeling for neither of those two. Even if I did, we would both be very uncompatible with different goals, no things in common at all.

[Anonymous]

That’s why I don’t think friendships are really genuine, especially when it comes to men being friends w women. For a man there’s no real benefit of having female friends. There’s not much women can do for men in the way of being friends. For women who have men as “friends,” sure they’re willing to share their resources like money, purchasing her things, defend her if need be, etc, etc. But in reality a lot of times there’s an ulterior motive behind it. Usually a lot of men have female “friends” that are cute because they’re hoping there’s a chance he can get w her. Even when he’s friend zoned. He’s thinking ok if I just treat her good eventually she realize it so she will want to be w me. I’m really sorry it’s like this a lot of the time. Maybe there are some men who would be genuine friends, but for me no female friends because it’s not genuine. But too I do believe a lot of women use men as well who they know they will never date or sleep w but they string these men along. So it’s kind of screwed up w both genders.

[Vesuvius87]

It makes me feel misled and lied to. I didn't expect that from Luis, whom I've known since my early 20's. That's a long time friend. For him to act like that, after I really thought there was a clear understanding we were just friends, utterly dumbfounded me.

[Vesuvius87]

I'm very disappointed.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m sorry to hear that. Unfortunately it’s something you will never understand as a female because you don’t think like a man. In your mind you’re thinking I’d never do that to a male friend why would he do that to me. A lot of women are misled about things just like men are misled about things to when it comes to women.

[NathanDavis]

it is normal that you feel this way now, yes... with two recent experiences that are very similar

but it is not an accurate assessment of the situation "not every single man out there" is going to be like this

another thing that might not be normal is... that, maybe if you are willing to meet in private and going into the house of a guy after a "couple" of times then you're leading them to wrong ideas

friendships do not usually move this quick, sometimes... not even dating moves this quick... a lot of people take a long time before they even get into someones house or meet in private

real friendships are usually built way more slowly, lol

[Vesuvius87]

Luis surprised me more because we've been friends for about 14 years. It was a reunion after nor hearing from each other for 5 years. This was a good friend I knew.

[NathanDavis]

taking you to a very private place after years and years...

why did you say yes, is what I wonder... see... "normal men" do not do this, and they are not even trying to do this

now, all of these guys who are trying this with you... you say "yes" to them and no questions asked

even after you know it is a red flag, you still go into it... so maybe you do have something to do with it, no? actual friends and men do not try stuff like this, lol

[Vesuvius87]

Since he was my friend for years, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and try reassuring myself that maybe it's to chill as friends and have a chat as he suggested. I didn't want to think my friend was up to more.

[NathanDavis]

don't give these kind of people any benefits like that...

they usually do it to take advantage of it

true friends don't do this

[Vesuvius87]

You're right. Never again. I'm very disappointed in Luis.

[IslaTheWitch]

The experiences weren't good, and you have the right feel as you feel. Also, the guys should listen to your words.

but...

I treated him the same way as if I were talking to my female friends. And maybe it's an issue. Guys need very clear signals. If you are as friendly as you are with your female friends, it could be misread. Try to create boundaries and communicate them clearly. And treat them like male friends with some distance.

And don't generalise, it will mostly hurt you

[Vesuvius87]

Yes I'll be a lot more clear when about my friendly personality. Just because act friendly and sometimes smile doesn't mean I'll have romantic feelings towards any male friend I hang out with.

[IslaTheWitch]

It's not about smiling. It's about boundaries and not letting others cross them. I don't get along with female friends, so most of my friends are men :)

Any situations that were not proper were always addressed in real-time. It was on their side if they comply or leave. A few left, fuming that I was sending mixed signals. Most are still with me, accepting and respecting my boundaries.

[Anonymous]

See it might be common for them but it's not a right thing to do with someone. You don't need to feel wrong because it's them who are doing this. You should take a firm stand. It was not just a mistake. It was sexual harrasment. You should never meet them. You should complain about them. About the other guys, one can't judge someone. They might be good and they might be like them also but it's you who has to be careful. The world is only based on trust. Be careful and don't feel bad.

[Vesuvius87]

It would make a total difference if I were specifically looking for a date or relationship from them but I never did. I only wanted a friend to talk with, to exchange ideas about our new goals for the New Year such as building a business, saving money to travel, looking for a better job, etc.
I'm tired of men that pretend to be ''friends'' just to make sudden moves on me. Friends don't touch each other in sexual manners.

[Opinion Owner]

You don't need to see them. They are not your friends. It's right friends don't make each other awkward. Man are just like this. They want woman for their needs only. Talk with everyone formally but don't get too involved. I myself recently know a man who was seeing two woman at a same time. They are just like that only. Don't trust them fully ever.

[Vesuvius87]

True I'll stop sharing my issues and will be more careful from now on.

[HighValue]

One thing I can say is that after those experiences, I hope you understand when you are in a relationship why a man won't want you being friends with other guys. Men have tried to explain that to women for generations, but many still don't recognize that the majority of men will only be friends with women they are interested in, or they become interested in her if she is attractive to them at all. It is partly because men often want a romantic partner that shares some of their interests/hobbies, and if a woman is a friend, it is likely because she does share those interests/hobbies so they are half way there from the start.

[Vesuvius87]

I feel so disappointed that he had other things in mind. Luis is a friend I've known since my early 20's at my other former workplace. This wasn't a random, new friend I've just met. This was an old friend whom I trusted.

[Twalli]

Most people make friends with the opposite gender to eventually date them. It's a huge problem, because it generally fails and you lose friends. I only date friends, but I also don't consider whether or not I find a girl attractive enough to date when I make friends.

[Vesuvius87]

I hate that. If I were looking for a date or relationship then I would be going on a dating site and be direct about it with the guy. They would only be informed what goals and values I'm looking towards a relationship.
But to pretend to be someone's friend (esp if I never expressed romantic interest in them) just to hook up with them and see how things go is misleading and using someone.

[ChicoFromThe305]

To be fair i never believed in opposite sex friends, I don't know if at some point I told you so but in case I did, in ceasing the opportunity to gloat 😊

[ChicoFromThe305]

I'm gonna*

[Vesuvius87]

Yeah after what happened today, I give up on having any male friend just to talk to. It seems like the only way for a man to just be my friend is if he's either taken or married (such as my female friend's brother whom we talked about work once in a while) or he's gay.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Yep with all honesty if a guy wants a friend, he will friend a dude, if they friend a woman it most likely means they at least find you attractive and that is enough to eventually crumble the friendship at some point

[IslaTheWitch]

come on @ChicoFromThe305 almost all my friends are male... you are my friend :)

[ChicoFromThe305]

What about in person lol

[IslaTheWitch]

Almost all my friends irl are men...

[ChicoFromThe305]

Are they taken tho?

[IslaTheWitch]

Some of them, some are enjoying single life

[ChicoFromThe305]

I'd put all my money on the idea that if you have them the opportunity, they would get in your pants, I'm not saying genuine friendships between opposites don't exist but I believethey are harder to find than people think

[IslaTheWitch]

Nah... I don't think so... they know I bite :D

[ChicoFromThe305]

One can only hope they are genuine isla

[IslaTheWitch]

Until now they were... no reason to doubt

[ChicoFromThe305]

I can't argue with genuine trust I guess

[dolemite58]

it’s good to have male acquaintances but male friends are usually just phonys. The only way a guy can be ur friend is if he doesn’t find you attractive.

[Vesuvius87]

It sucks that I really thought I had a friend to talk. They both lied just to hit on me.

[dolemite58]

find a gay guy

[DextroShade]

So now you know: men are not your friends! The only reason we deal with you socially is for sex.

[Vesuvius87]

It makes me feel used like an object, so degraded and not respected as a person.

[DextroShade]

It is just an inescapable fact of human nature, sorry.

[Vesuvius87]

What about some empathy and understanding at least? It would be a difference if I was specifically looking for a date or relationship and stated it then ok but to pretend to be my friend just to mislead me and use me sounds cruel to me.

[DextroShade]

A lot of men think that they can be friends with a girl and then escalate that friendship into romance. Unfortunately for them this rarely happens, and when it does it's typically because the women failed to get the man she actually wanted and is settling for the guy who waited in the friend-zone.

[Vesuvius87]

Here is the irony:
The man I always wanted was someone is just a fantasy I'll never have. To me, he's still the most attractive man I've ever laid eyes on. I was 12/13 at the time when I first noticed him and he was 14. Then when we were older and in HS, I was still crushing over him. He was also a dedicated student and seemed funny. It never worked out though. He only wanted to ask me out once probably because he kept hearing I had a crush on him (sort of a pity date... and I was likely going to get ditched eventually) and likely his sister (whom was/is my friend too) insisted. He didn't like me as much as I did. Even now that he's 38 years old and no longer has a baby face, he still has the glimpses of how I remembered him and is easy to recognize; he ages like wine.. frozen in time. Yup after all these years I still see him attractive.

[DextroShade]

Billy Beta gets put in the friend-zone while you pine for Chad Thundercock, how typical.

[Vesuvius87]

I wouldn't call him a Chad. He has a stable life and a daughter afterall, which I'm happy for. I think he got separated from his wife because I don't see her on his profile. Nowadays it's typical for marriages not to last too much, oh well.
Those two friends whom I really have no romantic interests really don't seem like the Billy Beta types. They are guys that can attract women but I just don't feel anything for them. Period.

I'm actually trying to work things out with a 49 year-old American guy whom I'm not that attracted to either but is older and secured. Now he's a real Billy Beta, whom I'm really seeking for commitment and actually came to my country to visit me last month.

[Crankor]

This always happens to some degree with best friends of opposite sex. I haven't seen any case of this where one or the other hasn't tried to hook up work the other at some point

[Anonymous]

No, most guys suck. They are the same gender as Donald Trump, and they support him.

There are a few good guys out there, but the majority want to oppress women.

[Nice222]

They at least could have talked to you about their feelings for you and possibly taking it to the next level before just groping you. It seems people just don’t know how to communicate and develop relationships anymore.

[Anonymous]

I don't think opposite gender friends works out unless both are already in committed relationships and even then its a tricky situation that sometimes turns sexual.

[KrakenAttackin]

So what have you learned about "guy friends"?

[Vesuvius87]

It sucks that any single, male friend isn't really my friend. He's just seeking for ways to get me hook up with him. It seems the only way for him to just be a friend is if he's either taken, he's not attracted to me or he's gay.
I really hate it when they pretend to be my friends, only to want more.

[KrakenAttackin]

@Vesuvius87. That's right. All it took was a clubbing over the head.

[IronPhoenix]

"Men don't have platonic friendships. Men have women they haven't f#cked yet".
Chris Rock

[OddBeMe]

It’s not…but strangely not abnormal…as it’s harder to trust guys.

[HouseMoat]

I think it would be wrong to generalize an entire gender

[Bklynbadboy12]

No that not normal your friend was an asshole all guys aren't like him

[boobliker]

you will get over it in time...

[Vesuvius87]

I know. It just sucks when they pretend to be just your friend but want something else. That's purposely misleading someone. I hate that game.

[boobliker]

sorry to say but we all do it. it's part of the sexl life we now live. one thing, never say no if you mean yes!

[Vesuvius87]

If I want something then I would be open on going out on a date and be verbal about it. I wasn't looking for a date nor relationship from them.