Escaping friend zone: Pull away or become close first?

[Anonymous]

Got friend zoned by a chick because she's been "Talking" to another fellow for quite some time now and they're going to be official real soon. For the past couple weeks I've been acting like just a friend to her, and she really enjoys texting me and my company.

Heard from a mutual friend "he was supposed to meet up with her to make it official, but he keeps pushing it off and acting weird", and I still have feelings for this girl, so now I want to change up my game.

I'd consider me and her to be good friends, not exactly best friends though. Should I try and get closer with her to form that "emotional friendship" bond(with some flirting) then pull away and make her miss me?

Or just pull away now? My only fear is that because me and her aren't that close, she won't really care and won't really miss me ya know? So I'm not sure which option to do

And yes I do really like this girl, that's why I'm not nexting her yet. We're both 18 btw

Pull away and limit contact first

Make a deep emotional bond first

Other (post what)

[asdaven]

Dissapear. Let her come to you. Ignore her the first time she contacts you, then talk to her about it. I hate games, but you need to do that to make a point. But, don't over do. She's getting too comfortable with you as a friend and the longer you let that happen, the more your stuck. Ignore her like a week, then explain what's up, preferably face to face. You need to make it like she's going to loose you if she dates this other guy because right now she sees no consequences by getting together with this guy. If she doesn't care, she doesn't care and that shows how much (or how little) she cared about you. But, you need to tell her how you feel. If she writes you off briefly ignoring her, then she doesn't care about you.

[Asker]

Shoulda edited this question more...

I've known her for 3 months. Got rejected once, which was 2 weeks after meeting her with the statement "I'm gonna be official with this other guy soon"

Been friends for about 2 months. Then I eventually confessed that I still liked her and really wish we could have been more then friends. She appreciated my honesty, didn't label us, but kept talking to me as a friend

Now today: throwing subtle hints, keeping distance, in person I'm very playful and "non-nice guy"

[Asker]

I realized that was my problem was I was too nice, I completely stopped all the "nice guy" habits and I think I'm def building some attraction with her

Now I'm a bit curious on what to do. Her and that guy STiLL aren't official(been like 5 mo's since they first met lol) and she's still talking to me(and girls know when a guy still likes them) so I'm curious if I should form that bond and continue being the "non-nice guy", or just pull away asap

[asdaven]

Pull away asap, but keep the pulling away brief in temporary. Yes, girls will know that you still like but won't acknowledge to you that they know until you go for "what you want". And still they will deny that they knew because they wanted you to make a move. Pull away briefly to make some suspense then come back strong and make a move. You got a big question. Can you handle being just friends with her or is this so important that you will take a risk of loosing her? Then make a decision and act

[Asker]

What I was thinking was that since the balls in her court, ill throw some heavy flirting so she 100% knows I'm into her, then she'll either ask me out(good), OR she tells me to stop the flirting(bad + I move on), or she continues to just talk to me(Neutral + I still keep in touch)

So..i'll make her make the decisions: if she wants to end the friendship cause all I keep doing is interest then so be it, if she continues the friendship then I'll assume some interest. I don't know is that correct logic?

[rocksongwriter]

"I completely stopped all the "nice guy" habits"...

What were you doing before?

[asdaven]

Whatever you do you need to make a change. You have to create tension or else she feel comfortable with where you all are at and stay there. Heavy duty flirting could just make it look like you haven't been getting any and turning to her for sex as a last option. You need to show interest on an emotional level too. Backing away just long enough to create tension and suspense, as well as making a statement, but not too long that it shows disinterest. Then, do the heavy duty flirting.

[Asker]

RocksongWriter:

-Having conversations over text

-"Walking on eggshells" when talking to her

- Helping her out with manual labor(We work together at a grocery store)

- Always having boring every day convos instead of fun witty mutual interest ones

- Not teasing her

- Responding to texts right away

-Not making my interest known (like I refused to let her catch me checking her out)

That's all I can think of off the bat. Basically I'm too easy, too boring, which is not creating attraction.

[Asker]

asdaven: I'm sorry but how do I do this and what are some clear examples?

"You need to show interest on an emotional level too. Backing away just long enough to create tension and suspense, as well as making a statement, but not too long that it shows disinterest. Then, do the heavy duty flirting"

[asdaven]

Flirting is more showing sexual interest. But, emotionally you need to show that your not happy being friends. Do it indirectly, by ignoring them for a week. Because direct doesn't work because your in a position of weakness right now. Throw her off the pedestal, then be direct with your intentions. Women are used to men clinging to them all the time, when one disappears it grabs their attention big time and she ll pay attention to what you need to twll her.

[Asker]

I'm not gonna lie though... I am really clingy and impatient. Infact one of my other mutual friends told me I have a good shot with her if I'd calm the eff down and let her go for a bit to see if something works out between her and that guy or not

So I guess my question is... how do I resist the urge to text her?

also I'm assuming when I see her at work I should act totally normal, fun, flirty, and energetic, but when it comes to texting act disinterest/distant? that should spark some interes

[asdaven]

All the more reason to back away for a bit. And that's gonna be really unexpected for her which is a good thing. Brother I'm what you consider a nice guy and what I'm telling you in hard earned knowledge. The nice guy isn't the problem, but being a pushover is. Your disrespecting yourself by being friends with this girl when you wanna be more. Chances are she sees this and knows how your feeling and not respecting yourself, which is a turn off. Removing yourself briefly will change the playing field

[Asker]

Alright thanks! But again should I act totally normal and friendly in person but act distant and unintersted when it comes to texting? The thing is I see her at work a couple days a week... I can't avoid her ya know?

[Asker]

Also don't some women respect it when you be a friend while she's "unavailable", then they look at you differently when they're single?

I actually AGREED to be friends with her(cause again, she has that other guy, and this was after admitting I still liked her (refer to very first comment)) and I def earned her brownie points based on her response "thank you, that really means alot"

Doesn't mean it's unfixable though, don't "Dude your an idiot!" me for admitting to be friends haha

[asdaven]

Act preoccupied with things and having a busy/stressful day, but don't completely ignore her. Ignore her outside of work. And to avoid texting her, think of other things, exercise, hangout with friends, live a life outside of her and prove her that you do. Don't abstain from all the nice guy things. Do them in moderation. But, don't make it commonplace. Then its a nice gesture and shows she is not controlling you. And again unpredictability. Being clingy and disrespecting yourself have to go.

[Asker]

Alright so the game plan is pull the eff away, then show interest when she starts to reciporocate concern? Sounds fine.

Only other problem is... I know it sounds corny and counter productive but some people say to remain a casual friend, don't become too emotionally invested/close(so you don't get friend zoned), then ask her out when she's available.

thoughts?

[asdaven]

When she reciprocates concern, maybe ignore her the first time. Your call. The nice guy thing is what I call "spoiled child syndrome". Buy a kid candy all the time he will be spoiled and expect and demand it. Buy him candy in moderation, it will be more rewarding to him and he ll be appreciative. This unfortunately applies to adults as well. So that why I'm saying back away and just do the nice guy things in moderation. In moderation it will benefit you, all the time it will screw you over.

[Asker]

So she kinda texted me today asking me to do a favor... I don't know I'm kinda against the idea of ignoring, I rather pull away and seem disinterested.

Anyway I just replied with a simple "No, busy" :)

[asdaven]

Well exactly. Ignoring is kinda the samething. You don't want to make it look like your intentionally playing a game or she might get made. But, it needs to look like your pulling away because your fed up with how things are going, not because that's what people suggested you do. There would come..a time that you would eventually get fed up and pull away. Imagine yourself at that point now. Don't treat pulling away as a game but as a reaction I guess is my point.

[Asker]

I see. thanks for all your help. If I have any more Q's I'll obviously come back here

[asdaven]

Sure thing . Women, at least to us guys , act ill rationally. A lot of times women can't even comprehend what theyre thinking. Its just how their built and its not their fault. But, as guys , we have to sometimes act illogically to gain a womens affection. Like indirect actions, followed by direct actions. Keep in mind a lot of affection is subconscious, its something they turn on and off by choice. Same with men.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Don't ever think B. That'll just make you a "better friend." Women work on stupid logic. The best way is to pull away. Even science backs me on this one. But, here's a funny article or two:

link

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But ya, pull away, limit contact, make em think "what happened to him" and get in contact with you. But, honestly, in your case (from your 50 posts about it), it seems this girl is more interested with the other guy anyways.

[Asker]

"from your 50 posts about it" <--- ha ha :p

I'm thinking another option is keep in contact, very limited, and game other girls untill she's done with this tool.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

That's probably a good idea. The idea is to limit contact though. Women run on stupid logic. :\

[Asker]

Since women do primarily rely on men to initiate contact, how often should I contact her and what should the text's content be like? I'm assuming not OVERLY flirty but mild, and about mutual interests?

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

At most? once a week maybe.

[swiftsaver602]

I vote other: don't pull away, that'll make her think you're no longer friends and/or aren't interested. Don't form a "deep emotional bond" first either...that'll put you further into the friend zone.

Flirt with her. BIG time. Since you already think you're in the friend zone, you're going to have to do some work to convince her you're dating material, not friend material.

[LoveIsChaos]

I say not to pull away. The next time the guy stands her up you should offer to take her somewhere to make her feel better about it and you can talk more to get to know her more and (more importantly for her behalf) to know you more (but don't just talk about yourself). Don't call it a date officially but make it like one and she might want to do it more often.