My boyfriend has a female best friend

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend had a female best friend. They've been best friends for years and she's considered part of the family by him and his family. I currently live with him in a apartment, He normally works 7 days a week I work 5. Well he's been off this week for a medical reason and every day he's with his best friend, she comes over and they go do stuff while I'm at work. I brought this up at dinner last night that it concerns me because he's told me before he loves her and she is his world and all this and quickly at the end will mention well besides you babe. And at dinner last night he told me I need to stop worrying because without her he'd lose it and that he needs her to hold him together and she's who he can vent to and talk to about anything. And I said well shouldn't I be that person an he said no because he vented to me once and I used it against it, he vented to me once saying he couldn't accept this life and was stuck In the past, renting a small house, being comfortable in a 6 year relationship and all this jazz, and that hurt so I told him it did and now he doesn't wanna vent to me because he thinks ill hold it against him. Back to being at dinner he said when we get home we're gonna talk about this and why I need her and you're in for a rude awakening. So we got home and he didn't even talk he just put a movie on and acted like nothing happened and fell asleep. on top of this he's getting switched to overnight shift soon which means mon-fri ill literally only see him for a hour each day and ill be sleeping for that hour and getting ready for work. So everyday for now on he's gonna be spending with this female best friend, and yeah that concerns me, not even because I think he's gonna cheat on me but I feel like him and I will never be on the emotional level we should be I because he's with her so much an only trusts her with venting an anything and from the looks of it will always care for her more and put her first. For my birthday last month he was gonna take me to the city an do all this jazz and the next day he called me and said I invited my best friend to come with us hope that's okay. Couple hours of arguing later he agreed to not let her come and lied to her saying we werent even going anymore but we ended up not going anyways because he woke up with metal in his eye and had to go to drs... I'm at a loss I'm upset everyday and he acts like there's nothing wrong with this picture and maybe there's not maybe I'm flying off the handles she is a nice girl so far... Some extra info he's 23, I'm 22, were in a commited relationship living together, know each others families etc love each other... What do you guys thinks and be honest if I'm in the wrong that's fine.

Updates

+1 y

Also when I've hung out with the two of them I feel like a tag along they're having the time of their lives joking and what not and its like I'm not even there sometimes.

[barbados]

The fact that his friend is a female might be part of the problem, but to be honest, even when his best friend was a guy and he was there all the time, if I were around them and would feel left out and especially when we planing something for my birthday and he brings him along or wants to bring him along... I would be upset.

Because the way I think of a relationship is, that you are partners. There are things you only share with your partner and this has to be more than sex.

That doesn't mean that she shouldn't be as important as a sister to him. My little brother e.g. is damn important for me. I would call him my best (male) friend. But I wouldn't bring him along on dates... if my boyfriend would feel left out when we are all together I would try to change that.

You see when you're young your friends are the most important people, like your family. Boyfriend and Girlfriend are important too...but when you're young they come and go. When me and my best friend were younger we did so much together. So each other every week. Now we're older... have serious relationships. She's still as important as a sister to me. And she says that me and her partner as the most important people to her. But your relationship had to change. We couldn't spend so much time. We had to make time for our partners. Had to give our relationship time.

When you have a really close friendship its sometimes hard for your partner not to feel neglected. And when you grow up I think you have to learn to balance the affection for such a friend and a partner.

Tell him how would he feel, if you would only talk about your feelings and when you're upset with your friend. What he would think of it, when you have a dinner date and you bring a friend and your attention is all on your friend. What would he think, when someone is openly more important to you?

He doesn't necessarily has to change his behavior towards her, but towards YOU.

[cazza3]

My best friend is male, we grew up together and we've been in each others lives literally since the day I was born. Any guy or girl that ever had a problem with it didn't last very long. He is like a brother to me and when he emigrated to Australia I was gutted and my fiance was there for me because he knew I missed him dearly.

Your boyfriend and his best friend have known each other for years, if anything was going to happen between them it would have by now. He wouldn't be so "available" to having a serious relationship with you. As for them spending time together, its probably how they've always been. They have possible always been the others constant in their life and been there for each other, just like any best friend would be, its just that they happen to be of the opposite sex. If you were off sick, would your boyfriend call round to cheer you up and check how you were doing?

[gitana379]

Maybe because of your jealousy towards her you don't let yourself b happy with them..u said you feel like a tag along..u shouldnt. I'm sure if you relaxed and joined the convos you wouldn't feel so left out

[Erwin]

nah that's normal.. actually I was the same with your boyfriend (almost) and I used to fight a lot with my exes because of my relationship with my female best friend. Tbh when you're so close with someone of the opposite gender, there's no way romantic feelings haven't popped out at least once in the past. I can assure you though that your boyfriend still loves you, which is why he's still with you.

Me and my best friend shared a lot of things but she's just that, a best friend. Despite our history or even past romantic feelings I'd never considered dating her because I see her more like a sister (that's even closer than my real brother) rather than a potential romantic partner. During the course of our relationship (12 years and counting) we both have dated numerous partners and still maintain our relationship as best friends. I don't know if it's the same with your boyfriend but I think it is.

[Littletad]

This is ridiculous. I have quite a few female friends, some I even consider sisters. But if I'm dating someone, I give them my complete and undivided attention. And I don't make plans while somehow trying to fit my friends in all of them. There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but this guy is pushing it. He's hurting your feelings, and he doesn't take that into consideration. You're more important, period. I'd say pretty much have to dump him at this point.

[Anonymous]

Relaxxxxx they're just friends. Don't look like the jealous controlling girlfriend because he will leave you.