How do I build up courage to talk to women at the bar?

[tstarr17]

So next Friday for Valentienes Day, I'm planning on going alone to a bar or two downtown to talk to some women. I'm not gonna try and get laid or anything, I just wanna talk and maybe get a phone number. I would invite one of my single friends, but he's gonna be out of town for that. I've heard tons of single women will be at the bars that night while all the couples are going to nice restraunts. I do have one strategy, it's look around, find a woman I find attractive, and ask the bartender to send them a drink on my tab. I have a bad feeling I might be nervous and just keep to myself. So how do you think I should work up the courage to be outgoing for that night?

[lightbulb27]

Hey fella... good job to go out and challenge yourself! Bravisimo!!

Maybe I'll do the same for challenge as I've done before.. scary, fun, and challenging!

You can buy a drink, but I think that's kinda lame, wrong, and a bad idea for various reasons:) I suggest you just direct approach and mingle and you work on your conversation skills witha goal of having a good interaction and discussion. Practice observing how you feel.
I wrote a mytake on a similar concept:
Men's Emotional Workout level 301!

that's pretty high level though. I'd suggest going out the days in advance and just have good discussions with the checkout clerk, or dudes you meet. whoever. It's all practice. Think up good and intereesting and funny topics in advance, write them down. Then you have things in your pocket... but just go with the flow.

The night of walk into bar, talk to whomever, talk to a dude. See a few girls at a table, go introduce yourself and ask to borrow a million dollars and you'll pay it back. Just come up with stupid crap... it doesn't matter. Avoid being overly complementary and lame, but be real. girls read your emotion and know if you are BSing (usually). Drink water... not alcohol.. no drugs buddy... the drugs are between your brain and heart. And if you meet someone you really do like, then get her number! Don't just take numbers, don't buy anyone drinks unless they can answer a challenge question like a riddle or trivia question and win the drink, and don't let their negativity take you down.
A really fun thing to do if you can get this far is to do online dating with them off their phones. You'll learn so much watching how they process. if you have a profile you can show them and that be really cool! You'll make some friends I guarantee it and will feel really good. If you bomb out totally... then you've succeeded because you gave it your all. This is a no failure scenario!

My goal is to always determine what benefit I can bring to someone else... that's how I think... can I have a positive interaction in that space and time so they were appreciative I was there. It doesn't always go that way.

I could say more, but you do your thing...

[Usernamesrdumb]

Be careful:

https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/2017/11/17/over-friendly-or-sexual-harassment-it-depends-partly-on-whom-you-ask

Never go home with a girl thats been drinking, she can't consent.

Approaching in bars is horrible for men. women have their guard up or are just there for attention and validation. Im not sure why youd spend 1000% average markup on liquor to go try. Been working in night clubs and bars on the side since college.

want to meet women, go shop at target or join a kick ball league. Bars are a waste of time for men and meeting someone from my experience.

[tstarr17]

You and some other people here have some very good points and have changed my mind about going to the bars for Valentines Day. I think I will try kickball instead. Worst case scenario, I get out of the house more. Thanks for your input.

[brennanhuff]

do women at stores like to be chatted up though? I thought a lot of women didn't like cold approaches. I don't think women expect to chatted up by some stranger, so it seems like a bar would actually be better than a store, unless Target is the exception. Co ed sports leagues could work though and I agree as you're in a mutual thing where a girl or girls get to know you. It's easier to ask one out and where it's not a cold approach.

[Usernamesrdumb]

@brennanhuff cold approaches are harder now adays everywhere, although bars, women have their guard up, you compete with every other male, in my experience of working the clubs and bars, id venture to say, 70% of women are there to have a good time with their friends or attention and validation, and can't consent after 1 drink. at least at my example target, women dont tend to go in packs, aren’t drinking. Are there to buy something, not attention and validation. And dont have their guard up. I say choose your battles.

[kaylaS91]

There are few things that can be more offputting than a guy who’s main priority is to score a woman who checks off pretty superficial ‘requirements’ like being attractive, single, receptive to thing like drinks being sent her way to calm the guys nerves before he approaches her and engages in some awkward and scripted conversation.

So uhh.. a good place for you to start is to not put women on a pedestal and if you’re genuine in terms of just looking to get a phone number vs. a random hookup, don’t start with sending some liquor her way. Women are just as human as your friends so you really can’t go wrong with casual conversation and just seeing where the night takes you.

[karangill]

You nailed it!

[Silver158]

well I mean her being single is a pretty standard requirement.

[WalterBlack]

@kaylaS91 Good advice. but much easier said than done.

[Kayslaysherway]

Well, it depends on what kind of women you're talking about. All women are different and all will react differently, so my help to you is make sure that you're ready to know what's going to happen. If she doesn't want to talk, don't let that be your last woman you talk to. Just because she didn't want to talk to you, doesn't mean that other women would want to. There's that saying, "There's always more fish in the sea", but who knows, maybe you'll even find a seal, but that all depends on you. Your approach. Don't go hard, don't be rough, and say what you really want to. Just be the real person that you are, and everything will go great. Good luck 👍

[coachTanthony]

--------------Get an ugly red shirt or sweater and tape candies all over it. Stand out!

It's Valentines Day. If you want to talk to a girl there is your in... offer her a candy off your shirt and wish her Valentines Day!

Make someone laugh... make someone's day and most of all have fun.

Life is too short.

[Steiner001]

though this is not about a bar but a gym... and i already gave the same answer in this thread...
how-to-hit-on-hot-girls-at-the-gym-and-not-get-rejected

this is just a precaution rather than what you exactly asked for... but still... you can read it to have a laugh if you wish

i have a funny incident that happened with my new friend (he is a sweet one...)... so he visited me two days before, in the evening...

i will call him N.

N- Yo bro... i got a nice stunt... wanna hear, wanna hear?(he repeats phrases sometimes... again because his sister told him that girls like guys who are a bit cute... how does this make him cute, only he knows lol )...

Me: Yea, Yea...(i was making fun of him)...

N- its about getting girls!!!

Me: Shoo...

N: What? I am not some dog. And I am gonna tell you about a surefire way of winning lovers.

Me: Shoo...

N: will you please give that a rest? Anyways, K (another of our newly made friend) told me that girls her age like guys who hit on them...

M: Girls like guys who hit them? Seriously? WEll not like I mind hitting anyone if they want to get hit... And I am advocate of true gender equality... a guy who has zero hesitation in delivering a dropkick to any male or female opponent (finally said it, yeahhhhhhhhh)

N: Shoo...

Me: This is my house, dudette

N : I am a dude, not dudette... anyways, i said hit ON them, not hit them...

Me: Oh, i see... now shoo

N: So K told me that I should hit on girls and they would all woo over me... I am gonna try that today...

In the Gym...

Girl A, B were talking... I did not know them , neither did N

N: I am gonna hit on those two...
Me: You know them?

N: NO way in hell

Me: You may get shot down...

N: Happiness comes at a price..

Me: Good luck... now shoo...

N goes to girl A, B in a michael jackson way... Seriously what did K tell him? I mean, seriously what?

N: Yo people...

Girl A- Yes?
N- did ya just join?

Girl B- yes.

N- Nice to meet you.

Girl A- likewise.

N- What do you say...

Girl B- Sorry.

N- I did not even say anything yet...

Girl A- We somewhat guessed...

N: Why, am I that unattractive, young lady?

Girl B- No, young gentleman... its not that... i think you are cute...

After hearing this reply...

Thoughts in N's mind- "GAME START"... Thoughts in my mind-"GAME OVER"

Girl B- But I am not interested in short guys...

N: Hey, are the two of two asking for an ass whooping?

Yeah, he said that... he really said that... I don't want to explain the awkward atmosphere after that... and how wen got away from that situation

So i doubt that this method of hitting on girls or boys in the gym actually works...

[rjroy3]

- Main Point - You don't need courage to talk to a woman. Talking to women is easy. You're just complicating it.

Just talk to everyone. It's that simple. You're not afraid of talking to girls at the bar and feel the need to build up courage. You're simply not socializing enough in general and feel stuck in your shell. So now that you want to talk to a girl you feel there's a special social hurdle you need to jump in order to begin. There isn't. Just start talking

Talk to your friends throughout the day. Call up a friend and talk on the phone for a few minutes before you go out or on the drive there, just to get into a social flow. Then keep it going when you hop out the car.

Talk to people in line if there is a line. Talk to the security guy. Ask him what's his name. Say hello and introduce yourself. Make eye contact. Smile. When you enter the room keep your head up and facing in the direction you're walking. Dont swivel, looking around the room. Just move.

Stand up straight, keep your head up and look people in the eyes. Say excuse me when walking past people. If you're walking up to order a drink, say hello to whoever is next to you. Most of the time when you walk up, people take notice for a second then go back to themselves. When they make eye contact, just say hello.

You don't need courage. You just need to get in the social flow and lower the bar. You're not gonna get stabbed for talking to people. Even if they're a woman.

[WalterBlack]

Unfortunately, this is insanely difficult for people that are introverted by nature.

[rjroy3]

@WalterBlack

Introverted by nature doesn't mean shy by nature or lacking self confidence.

Being introverted doesn't mean shy necessarily. You can be both, but that's not part in parcel with being introverted. Being introverted doesn't mean you can't socialize or that it's more difficult. Introverted just refers to a natural tendency.

Feeling a need to require courage to talk to a woman isn't an introverted thing. That's a personal self judgement thing. Which extroverts can have aswell.

My best friend is an example of a confident introvert. Has nnnno problem talking to girls lol

[WalterBlack]

Ok. Maybe I'm shy by nature.

[rjroy3]

@WalterBlack just go up and ask her for a cigarette

[ManOnFire]

@tstarr17 Waiting to do this on Valentine's Day isn't the best move, as I think most women will probably suspect you're looking for somebody by trying to be at the bar on that day. I have my favorite bar but even I don't go as regularly as I'd like to. However, when I have, I usually just be myself and am pretty laid back without any intent of trying to get laid or get a date.

I also actually do not try to approach many women there because I can already see that they're acting snobby as a way to repel most men, which is a turn off to me because you don't need to act that way as a woman to let a guy know you're not interested. Yet oddly enough, I've had women at bars watch me - one time I even passed a girl with one of her friends and the look on her face was almost excitement as if she thought I was about to talk to her... when I was really just heading to the restroom. There was also another time where I actually really did hit off a great conversation with a girl and her girlfriend. Both were taken, and it was the older one who spoke less that I was really interested in, but again, she was taken. Other than that, my nights at bars have mostly been uneventful as far as trying to pick up chicks.

But if that's really your goal, then you need to just be relaxed, chat with the bartenders, act goofy, funny, like you would any other time. Make small chat with a chick in passing, and if she brushes you off then you just brush it off and go back to being your cool self.

[Passinggas]

It is so basic. Talk to some guys, talk to some women, and treat them all the same initially unless of course a woman expresses interest. Just talk to have fun without the ulterior objective so that you will come across open and easy to associate. If you can do that, no courage is required, just have fun instead. When out seek the atmosphere, social, music, food and drink but don’t go on a date mission because it will fail. Don’t let yourself sit like a bump on a log; talk to anyone to avoid that. If there is an ugly old woman sitting next to you talk to her, they will usually make you laugh, and for some reason that will make others interested. You might have to make yourself a bit of a regular until some become curious.

[brennanhuff]

that's kind of hard, I can see why he needs an incentive. I'm not one to talk or want to talk to people I don't know. People can be assholes. I mean just drive down a heavy traffic city and see asshole drivers. OR shop any store or grocery store and see carts left in the parking lot and in the corrall so the wind can blow carts into someones else, but not theirs. Or throwing shit on the ground and leaving it there. There's a ton of self centered people. There's nice ones, but I usually will talk if I see they are approachable or seem fun. But otherwise, you have to be like a person that has fun talking to people you don't know (extroverted). Otherwise, there has to be an incentive to talk to someone you don't know (cute girl. could be interested in for a date,) whereas if she's rude, at least there was incentive to you if she was interested vs some random dude or person, which doesn't do much either way.

[Passinggas]

@brennanhuff “People can be assholes.” I agree but you raise yourself up and be above that. The issue is not with women, I take it; rather it is with people in general. Again, that is part of life, and you have to get past that before any woman will take interest. My 2 cents …

[4mazing]

I think if possible, you should ally yourself with a) a male friend, relative, or acquaintance, or b) a female friend.

That shows women that there are people willing to hang out with you, which is a good sign and also makes you appear safer to talk to.

[4mazing]

Also: Do you enjoy bars? Is there something you enjoy about them (maybe apart from the alcohol)? Because when it comes to women, it helps if they can see you in an environment where you can shine. And for many men, that is not bars. The exception is very confident or handsome or extroverted guys.

[tstarr17]

That's a good answer. Bars are ok, but I don't exactly go to them often. I'd have to go solo on this one, my only single friend is gonna be out of town during that time. Maybe I could find some other activity for that night.

[4mazing]

I didn't mean to discourage you. If you feel like going, by all means go :)

[tstarr17]

You're fine. Reason I say that is because Shamalien is kind of right, some women at the bars are trashy. I could find some other places to meet women, and broaden my horizons

[brennanhuff]

that's true for being extroverted. I'm handsome, but not extroverted so confidence doesn't shine strong there. Yet, in a social situation like a sports league with a mutual setting. Or even at work, I'm the guy that makes people laugh or just gravitate people's attention and not trying to. I'm quite outgoing and am the guy that like "works the room" when around girl co workers with them flirting, laugh or being playful because of my playful, witty exchange with them

[Anonymous]

Don't buy a drink for a stranger. It's a cornball move that is frequently exploited by women looking for free drinks.
Just don't do it.

You're better off going to the bar and looking around. Find someone who is on their own and make eye contact. Smile, but don't stare for a long time or anything. If she responds by smiling back, making eye contact, or in any other way indicating that she's open to some advance, sit next to her and say hi.

If after a couple of minutes chatting you want to offer to buy her a drink, play it by ear. But women are not some machine where you put drink in one end and phone numbers come out the other.

[nelly83]

Don't do that. Women can just use you for free drinks. She might even refuse your drink because she doesn't want to talk to you. If you have absolutely no courage, groom yourself, try to be handsome. If you are not handsome, just go for women around your league. Part of the reason why men are so scared shitless about approaching women is because they know they are approaching women out of their leagues. You already know what typically happens when you do that.

[tstarr17]

The first part of your answer: You make good points. And after reading some other answers on here, I have changed my mind, I won't go to the bars for Valentines Day. They could use me for free drinks, you are right about that.

Second part (I don't fully agree with that part): There's no such thing as "leagues". Looks are very subjective. For example, I could think Jennifer Lawrence is really attractive (and I do think that), but a friend of mine could think otherwise. Women want confident guys who aren't afraid of them and aren't intimidated by them. Some guys do believe in the leagues myth, and it does stop them from hitting on women. Won't stop me though. That is, when I actually can go out and talk to them

[nelly83]

Leagues do exist. Some people find me attractive but most folks don't. You need to care about what the overwhelming majority thinks. If you're pretty, most people will think you're pretty. If you're the type that only a few people will find handsome, not most. Then you're still out of luck. Generally we can all agree on what is attractive or not, for the most part.

[nelly83]

I have tried finding love at the bar scene. It really doesn't work for the most part. Good , decent people typically also do not hangout at bars. Everything is about first impression or how hot you are. You're gonna be going on many failed dates if asking random women for their numbers is the way you're gonna do it.

Try joining a club or classes where you can actually get to know women on a deeper level before you ask them out. This is a better way of getting to know more than one person since you get to see the group over and over again. You also would have similar interests so things are much more likely to workout.

When you are going to bars to hit on the women, you're really only searching for lust, not love. True love and compatibility is not lust. This explains the reason why so many people nowadays breakup. Its all based on lust, shortsightedness and impulsiveness. People divorce when they marry for reasons other than compatibility and longevity.

[DWornock]

There are universal characteristics of beauty. For women, they are (1) bilateral symmetry, (2) small waist to hip ratio (ideally 0.7 or less), (3) youthful appearance, (4) smooth clear skin, and (5) big eyes. All beauty queens and even all Disney cartoon princesses and Hentai girls have those characteristics. To deny that fact is unrealistic and stupid.

[nelly83]

@DWornock Beauty is all about the facial features. If you're born with the right beautiful features, you will be attractive regardless of youth or waist to hip ratio. People just like to overcomplicate things for no reason.

[karangill]

But women go for taller mates?

[DWornock]

@nelly83 That is accurate enough. Not because bilateral symmetry, a small waist to hip ratio, and smooth clear skin are not major factors in determining female beauty, but instead because they are very highly correlated with excellent facial features. If you have one, it is likely that you have the other. In fact, bilateral symmetry is a requirement for good facial features.

It was found that a woman is most attractive when her hip to waist ratio is 70%. Studies continue that “interest is lost” (nice way to put it, huh) when the ratio exceeds 80%. Interestingly; this study used photos of Playboy models.

The mode size of a Playboy model is 34-24-36, weight is 110, and height is 5’7″.
Waist-Hip Ratio of.7 and BMI of 17.8.

Beauty icons including Jessica Alba, Marilyn Monroe, Alessandra Ambrosio, Sophia Loren, Kate Moss, and even Venus de Milo all have ratios around 70%. Notice that they all have excellent facial features.

[nelly83]

@karangill Looks will always matter to a certain extent. But there are the dumb folks who think that better looks means love and compatibility. Its the same reason why people are breaking up all the time nowadays.

[karangill]

Women are breaking up because of the looks?

[nelly83]

@karangill Looks don't sustain a long term relationship or marriage. Its not gonna make you fall in love or want to die for someone. And 8-10 years into the marriage, your spouse will also not look the same as when you married them. All you have left is the person you married, not the face.

[karangill]

True.

[Truthatanycost]

Bars are low vibration places, and generally attract the same. You are better off doing some other social activity, having fun and mixing with people, then taking it from there.

''ask the bartender to send them a drink on my tab.''

Some women only go to bars to get free drinks. You are asking to be scammed.

[Anonymous]

A guy was asking for advice on how to get better at talking to women, and people used the word practice

"It bothers me a lot when people use the word practice, because for women, there is no such thing as practicing talking to men because women's lives are on autopilot when it comes to talking to men since puberty, due to all of the constant attention they've been getting since then, women are forced to, have no choice but to learn how to talk to men, and they gain it right away by doing nothing since they don't have to open their mouth first."

I read that somewhere and it changed my whole perspective on approaching, never truer words have been said or spoken.

it's another reminder of what I've always hated but at the same time I know will never go away

[bulletbob555]

Yeah well Thats all good. Try a different mind set just try being sociable. That it's only practice for when you meet the right one. Taking the success failure equation off the table may help you relax. Could maybe turnout that you realize that during one of the conversations that things end up being much better than you plannned

[DWornock]

Whether it is in a bar or elsewhere, a guy should never approach a girl he is not acquainted with unless she makes the first move by giving some indication that she would like for you to approach her. Most likely, you lack courage because you are seeking attractive girls out of your league and they will reject you 100% of the time.

[Majestical_Psyche]

If you have the right and healthy intention.
Just looking to talk, be friends, and nothing else.
Would probably be a lot easier.

PS. I have no experience with this. <3
Good Luck <3

[JimmyQ]

Drink more, lie less. Show your vulnerable side, but maintain your masculinity. Walk away with your dignity. If chics can't dig that, they weren't worth having.

[tstarr17]

Lie less? I'm not a liar at all. Not sure where you're getting at with this.

[JimmyQ]

It's pretty simple really. Be yourself. Don't negotiate your principles. A woman will either respect that or you are way better off without her.

[objob94]

Read this:

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/know-woman-likes/

[ViperV10]

Stop caring about what a girl/guy would think when u approach him/her

[Uberknot]

Stop using it as a bar. Start using it as a place of conversation.

[TheFirstMan]

Seriously? Searching a romantic day at bar? I think u should prepare more budget and wear a suit, than planning a strategy. More relevant.

[tstarr17]

At least I would be getting out and meeting people, rather than doing what I was doing for a while, which is relying too much on dating sites. Besides, I'm a little tight on cash right now, I can't afford a suit

[TheFirstMan]

Find somewhere chill and relax bar to meet someone at least. Not a pub. I trust u 👍

[sp33d]

If you're going to the bar, you'll have to lower your.. well.. bar.

[Shamalien]

you don't, bar chicks are fucking tarsh don't play into this stupid game

[tstarr17]

They can't all be bad

[Shamalien]

yeah okay and not all cartons of expired milk are actually expired but why not just aim for fresh instead?