Do guys stop flirting if you don't flirt back?

[Anonymous]

Alright so, I got a huge question and I have talked this over with my boyfriend but basically we have been dating for a good 3 years. Within the first 2 years he would always flirt with me, make me feel good, and just get me as flustered and excited as possible. Wasn't until recently we had a couples therapy that I brought up how he doesn't do the same old things as he used to anymore and it made me feel unwanted, and hurt and it regarded the flirting as well in that topic.
Before I continue, this for him is like his 8th (?) Relationship now. This is my first, never dated anyone or cared to.
Anyways, so after bringing that up, he told me how basically he would try to flirt only then for it to end up in a way where he is flirting with himself instead of with me. Having to of been told this, needless to say I felt even more hurt but also in a way disappointed in myself because it seems like I lead him to stop flirting with me because I don't know how to flirt. Like, it really isn't in my nature, and when even I would be myself and try something then would just ruin it for him. I am wondering of this is the case for most guys or some guys, or even for some relationships because this is my first and I have been well single for 20+ years.

[Guy13]

Yes as we have some self-respect. If you don't like then Fine...

[Asker]

Okay, but I've told him I did like it? I just don't know how to flirt and told him that as well... so how is it a self-respect thing?

[Guy13]

No... you went well beyond Required. He sounds a little scared to ask you out directly BUT do not do his job for him. One has a Right to Flirt AND a Responsibility to ask on date.. Much of Society today believes in Right but not Responsibility...

[Asker]

Um... Read what I said after asking the question... We have been dating for 3 years.. I seriously think you misunderstood what is being asked and was provided with context..

[Guy13]

Ohhh sorry.. damn-I see.

[Pegases]

It's always astonishing to me when women ask if a man is going to stop investing his energy into you if you stop investing energy into him. A self respecting man will continue to place his energy where it is reciprocated.

[chicosuave]

why are you still expecting him to flirt? that's only for people who are trying to get to know each other or are in the beginning phases of the relationship. Get over that and try and move on. Try and be as physical loving to each other and that's how the relationship grows. you also have to give each other space so the relationship can grow. goodluck youlle need it

[birthmoon]

Yeah, there is no point in flirting to a mannequin. This is not just true for guys, its a universal thing. I guess you're complaining about stuff like these because its your first relationship, really not that important in my opinion

[Asker]

So basically saying, because I didn't care to date in my 20+ years, and didn't learn how to flirt, or how to react to flirts except become flustered and shy and then try to flirt back is a mannequin? Did you even read the whole part of when I try to flirt back it just doesn't work and even after that?

[birthmoon]

Yeah, just because you dont know how to flirt doesn't mean he doesn't deserve it.

[Asker]

"Like, it really isn't in my nature, and when even I would be myself and try something then would just ruin it for him." Read the whole thing, not just bits and pieces. I have tried to flirt, and he told me it just ruins it for him. I don't know how to flirt, yet I have tried and yet it ruins it for him. How did this not click in your head?,

[birthmoon]

Even if youve tried, you failed right? Which means you dont know. I just said you were complaining about him not flirting, but you dont even know how to flirt. there's nothing to be this triggered here. Accept the fact and move on. I've been reading the whole thing every time you asked "have I not read it fully" thinking that I missed out something. Honestly, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but not everyone is perfect, I'm not, you're not. So sometimes its probably our fault.

[Asker]

Accurate, but claiming someone to be a mannequin after trying and continuously trying and saying flirting just isn't in ones nature, then to say just because one doesn't know how to flirt doesn't mean he doesn't deserve it isn't the best way to start off. Because, if anything you are confusing me. I clearly stating I am not a natural flirt, I don't know how to flirt in the first place, and when I did try to it failed, and trust when I say it failed because he has told me so many times I ruined his "happy time" with what I tried to do in return to flirt back when I didn't want it to end. If anything those first 2 replies did not infact hold up to what you were trying to imply now.

[birthmoon]

I apologize for the first two replies if it felt harsh. Thanks for pointing it out

[BarryLiverstone]

You and him had a good two years. You lacking the skills to flirt didn’t prevent him from desiring you then. Clearly something changed. You are in counseling so did he share what’s different?

[Asker]

If anything, he just told me that he is my physically affectionate than verbal, to which is my surprise because if anything he first started off with sweet morning messages, adding the flirts, pet names and such. Those were the 2 years. The 3rd year is where I guess is the real relationship test because needless to say he has brought somethings up to where I "need to change" like, I love coming up with my own words, being dorky, and silly. Be it in private or gaming wise. He got pissed off with that and eventually it lead to this 3rd year on not getting morning messages, no more compliments and flirting, and also pet names.
During the couples therapy we talked all that over to which he addressed that during that time he felt some stress on needing to out do the previous messages constantly, the compliments was never mentioned from him, and the pet names he just wants to remember my name. With the flirting he just addresses it as when he tried to flirt, everytime I tried to "flirt back" or I just end up to flustered it just felt to him as if he is flirting with himself.

I am not in counseling at all because I haven't had a single issue to bring me in for counseling. If anything I finally had enough on not being allowed to be myself, missed how things used to be and was the reason for the "couples therapy".

[BarryLiverstone]

So what he is saying in summary is this year he stopped putting in as much effort as he used to put in because he feels like that effort wasn’t being returned by you. When he says he was flirting with himself he’s really saying that he feels like he’s giving you 100% and you are maybe giving him 10%. So he feels like that is unfair.

Is that the case of did he want something else?

[Asker]

Well, I remember when we first brought up about flirting he mentioned how he was used to girls flirting back with him in the same way he did to them. If anything I get easily embarrassed and flustered, plus shy on just thinking about what to say that even in typing it takes me a good 30 minutes just to figure out and have my brain calm down. He said he just wasn't used to that, but he did like making my flustered, though that was the 2 years ago.
If anything, I try to figure out flirting literally by book, Google, maybe even asking female friends but for me it always just fails. I never even flirted with him to begin with nor did he when we first started out, it just gradually happened from him and now it just died out suddenly.

[BarryLiverstone]

Here’s the thing. You are his girlfriend rn so any girls he was used to in his past are irrelevant. Now if he wants you to play with him and banter or escalate based on messages and cute nicknames then ask him to teach you and give examples. He liked you getting flustered for two years so that’s just natural.

Another thing you can try is some role playing. If you act like a different person then you don’t have to feel as shy and you can reply back to him and play with him.

Overall it sounds like you are feeling his lack of effort and desire for you and you are worried where this is all leading. Is that accurate?

[Asker]

The lack of effort and desire for me is 100% accurate. Like, if anything I am the type where if you don't want to do it in the first place then don't try and continue it. It's like forcing yourself something you hate to eat or physically do. To which I did say to him, if anything now its literally just us bantering back and forth and I know he isn't leaving my side anytime soon because he is straight up and blunt and would say something.

With the role playing, that one definitely will be hard on my end because I find acting awkward, I don't mind trying for sure but at this point its literally just whenever I guess he wants to get back into it. I still do try to "flirt" from time to time but if anything it just seems like since I never do it right he just isn't into it.

[BarryLiverstone]

Here is another idea. Do you all have date nights? Like I know longer term couples tend to just live together and get busy with life. But is Friday night your weekly date night with him and if so who plans the dates?

[Asker]

If anything no. He is busy with work now and has only Tuesdays and Wednesdays off, while I get Fridays till Sunday off.

[BarryLiverstone]

You all will need to find a time or part of a day to spend time as a couple and sounds like your schedules are not in sync. Anyway if you can have a normal date night or even afternoon then he can at least build up to that every week because he knows efforts to flirt and be excited to spend time with you will lead to something special. Is that something you and him can work towards even if it’s only twice a month?

[Anonymous]

Some do, but some will just keep on going.

[Snedger____]

Yes.