Why does it "have to be nice" for women to listen to a man?

[nitsuj86]

I have noticed in my adult years, that when women come to me looking for advice. They will often get mad at me if I don't "make it nice enough" for them, or if I ask too many questions that start to reveal their part in the problem, they will try and "make it sound nicer" than it really is. I'm not the most sensitive man, I have empathy, but I am very logical with my thinking/beliefs.

You ask me, then get mad at me when I give you an honest answer. Or I point out the "flaws" in your argument that might explain why someone acted the way they did. And then it's "well, I did it because THEY did this to me, or I was feeling emotional, or some other excuse... It just seems there is always a good reason in their mind for why THEY did what they did, but never for the other person. If I try to point that out, now I'm getting yelled at.

It's very frustrating. And it makes it hard to have honest conversations with women. I find myself walking on eggshells, changing the way I speak to them. I want to be on the side of women when it matters, but they can't seem to be honest with even themselves, so I have a hard time believing what they tell me. Obviously not all women, but enough for it to be a thing.

1) Do you ladies know you do this? Am I crazy? Why do you?
2) How do you tell a woman something bad about herself, without getting attacked in the process? lol

[randomuser_27258]

Women simply want their perspective validated. We want to feel like we are appreciated, we're heard & someone is on our side. To say "it's okay, your safe to relieve your feelings about the situation." This is why therapy is so relieving. The true root of our problems often stem from limiting beliefs and tramas that "explaining the solution" simply won't fix. Unfortunately it may be a reason why the male suicide rate is so high, because "fixing it" didn't really fix it.

When people, especially men, try to immediately solve the problem...(my father does this so aggressively it hurts) ... we feel steamrolled. Like the subjective experience is ignored. If you realize many female group conversations are very 'relatable' to each person in the group. Everyone is suppose to connect and feel seen. Regardless of the topic. That's what connects us. (Partically also an evolutionary things as women are 1. suppose to be able to nurture, love, and not abandon their young in the way that comes a bit easier to men and 2. Women are physically weaker and rely on less direct ways to survive in a group. Community and ""manipulation"" to ensure the safety of themselves and their offspring. Such as higher levels of agreeabliltiy and better at reading body language) For centuries, if women were as blunt and straight to the point as men, history would have been much more abusive and cruel to them. You either bend or break. They've had to adapt. The female brain is hardwired to compliment the male brain & vise versa. Women (generally!!) bring a more subjective experience, while men bring the opposite. While somethings may not be ideal, if we were not made this way, I doubt the species would have made it this far.

[randomuser_27258]

The irony is, most guys in the comments take a very emotional, subjective view of this topic rather than analyzing the physiological causes of women to behave like this in the first place. Our millions of years of mental evolution is no accident, trying to change it is futlie. Release your resistance towards what is different and try to understand.

[YesIWouldLikeFries]

@randomuser_27258
"the subjective experience is ignored"
That's because it doesn't really matter. Not in the long run. Men always plan long term. The here and now doesn't really matter as its fleeting.

Having said that though women don't like that the subjective experience is ignored. Men don't either. Both sides need to listen more and not just try and dump all their shit on someone.

[randomuser_27258]

@YesIWouldLikeFries I'm not here to go back and both, however the subjective experince is extremely relavent. Our world is shaped by subjectivity. Politics, beauty, relgion, ethics, the career we choose, family values, cultures etc. As much as you feel that you can discard it, you can't. You listen and use your objective resources to create win-win situation. Subjectivity is a skill of adaptability, of opening up yourself up... you will find that things you thought were objective were actually extremely warped by negative life experiences, like to ONLY save and invest money because you live in terror of losing it. Objectively it's smart, yet sometimes the tighter you cling the more you lose. You can talk about how useless it is, yet it's not going away because it exists and it has real power in our world. I suggest you learn how to adapt or you will live in the constant agony all extremely logical thinkers find themselves in because we live in a subjective world.

Lol, i'm being objective and trying to "solve the problem" here. I'm not sensing any real solutions coming from you. If anything you sound like the exact women you complain about.

[YesIWouldLikeFries]

1/2 @randomuser_27258

"Women simply want their perspective validated."

Why? Why is that so important? Women don't validate men's perspective. Why should we validate theirs? Its like women want complete control and to hell with the man. He's just a resource. Well too bad. The saying man up is also applicable to women. Until women woman up they aren't getting any of our attention, time or resources.
Just in case women don't know that means be feminine and girly. Don't try to be like a man. Men are not attracted to men. Women who copy men are a turn off. We don't care about your job, accomplishments or anything you think is somehow remarkable. Because men have already done it all first. You are just trying to copy us and think that's what makes you attractive to us. It doesn't. In fact it does the complete opposite.
Men want a woman that is feminine, girly and dresses and behaves like a woman should. Not trying to tell women what to do but if a woman acts like a man and tries to be like a man she will be treated like a man. That means no commitment and just treated like a mate. The saying you only get out of life what you put in rings true for this.
Want a man that will choose you and commit to you? Show him why he should. If you just do the same as all the other women why should he choose you? And not the millions of other women on the planet?

[YesIWouldLikeFries]

2/2 @randomuser_27258

You dress nice, have make up on, can offer sex or not (This is a huge deciding factor). So can every other woman. What makes you so special? What differentiates you from every other woman on the planet? Men can do anything and we do. Women say they can do anything a man can do but better. Yet I see zero proof of this. For example. Women work in mines now. And other male dominated industries too. But they are only doing it to prove a point. They aren't actually doing it because it has to be done. If men didn't do what needs to be done we wouldn't have a society.
So either actually be women or keep being like men and then wonder why you can't attract and keep a man.

[YesIWouldLikeFries]

@randomuser_27258

"The irony is, most guys in the comments take a very emotional, subjective view of this topic rather than analyzing the physiological causes of women to behave like this in the first place. Our millions of years of mental evolution is no accident, trying to change it is futlie. Release your resistance towards what is different and try to understand."

Women need to do the same. We know why women behave the way they do. Its pretty basic. But women don't seem to want to understand how men work. We don't just want sex. If that's what you think then you don't really know men at all. Men aren't programmed to be monogamous. We are programmed to spread our seed. Back in the middle ages that was literal. But now its more about conquest. We don't actually want to impregnate as many women as possible. With laws being the way they are that is not financially viable. But we still do want to have sex with as many women as we can. If we are denied too many times we just give up and commit to other things. Then women complain why they can't find a good man. Have you asked yourselves why should a good man even acknowledge your existence? Because if that's all you have to offer we aren't interested. We exist too. What are you going to do to elevate your existence above every other woman? Once you have figured that out your chances will improve.

[Crazycookie23]

I love listening to men. Everyone deserves to be listened to, that's just without question.
I can agree that we do get mad when we don't like to hear the truth, I have honestly done it myself so I do take responsibility as well. As women, we do a lot of times like to think that we're right and we also fear being called out by us naturally being more sensitive, but it's definitely something that some of us just have to work on.
If you talk to someone and they can't accept what you're saying then hey, at that point that is on them and it's their issue, not yours.

[IMuser]

1. For any woman in a relationship, feelings >>>> logic. That is, they don't think about relationships, they feel. Majority of their actions are by moods
2. You cannot point out flaws in a woman and tell them to repair it. They can't, because if you point out something bad about them, they will talk to others who will tell her that she is alright (validating her beliefs) and making you the bad guy

What can you do about it?
1. Assume that whenever she is talking/ sharing a problem with you (unless it's a technical problem), she is just venting her off.
2. Ask more questions to her, not about her but the situation. Until she says "please I need your solution regarding this", do not point her flaws and give solutions

[Anonymous]

Lol this reminds me when I was involved with a youth group as a young adult. We were out of town and was staying at a hotel 2 of them actually one for the girls one for the boys. You have to be form with adolescent kids to keep them from getting into trouble. Well I had to give a talking to both groups the boys, then the girls to lay down the rules for our stay. When I addressed the boys it went just fine. But when I addressed the group of girls. Afterward one of the adult female advisors told me afterward that I was too harsh with them. I was like, "say what"? And she told me "You can't speak the same way to young women that you do to young boys".
You'll run into this problem even on here with women. Some are ultrasensitive.

[Logan_V96]

In my experience, women rarely take accountability for their actions; it is what it is. When they come to you for advice, they’re looking for confirmation bias, not actual advice. Once you give them advice, they will reject it if it means having to take responsibility for the things they have done. This is simply a fact of life. I’m not trying to be sexist.

[Kaamraj]

Men and women operate in a different ways. Men are more solution orientated while women are more socially calibrated. For them it's important who every member of the tribe feels. This is the reason why there have been no matriarchies which have withstood the test of time. Feels before reals. This is entertained as long as the woman has high sexual mean value but as soon as that drops with age, then reality strikes.

[devilish-cutie]

I wouldn't say this actually applies to women but people in general
People generally make excuses for their behavior and seldom take responsibility

[devilish-cutie]

ass of "sound nice" there is the difference as women were conditioned to always be nice, polite and pleasant so its a norm for us usually

[nitsuj86]

Maybe it's a man to woman, woman to man thing. Because all the guys I know will own up to fucking up, and will agree if I tell them or at least not fight me about it. But here is my issue...

Whether you were conditioned to be those things or not. If you weren't "being nice, or polite, or pleasent, then why should I have to pretend like you were? And if you really were conditioned to be that way, then why aren't you being that way? And why are you asking me to tell you those things are ok, when you know they aren't...

Because it FEELS better. Well, it doesn't feel better for everyone else who has to participate in the delusion. It's very frustrating

[devilish-cutie]

Okay, i get sort of what you mean and we women often feel like this with men as well. Not in a way you are describing this, but about other issues. The thing is this is just one way of looking at it and it more roots down in our missunderstaindings. I think often woman processes her emotions by venting and she just wants you to listen and be supportive, while men want to fix it. For her there is no solution, thats why she is being emotional. Not that she cannot see your solition, but that isn't solution to her, it usually isn't cause it contradicts with something else like her values or whatever. I would always suggest to go from place of more trying to understand and not judge. In some ways we function differently, so it demands work to be able to understand eachother, on top of that personality is at stake as well. This is actually not about being nice but providing support and comfort. You may think your reasoning is right but everyone is different and you dont know really what they have to deal with inside themselves. Sure they can be in the wrong but if those things are majorly important and you dont see eye to eye than relationship probs won't last as you are too different...

[Anonymous]

Damn you called us out big time 😂 We just wanted you to listen and not think too much. Acknowledge that you heard us but we dont necessarily need feedback or to be interrogated. We know when we’re wrong. We just dont always admit it 👀

[RandomGuy1030]

Imagine turning on some music to relax and process things and then a lecture turns on instead

[TrueConfection]

Perfect analogy!