My flatmate always complains about me being noisy, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

So basically I live in a shared flat and the wall between one of the flatmates and me is really thin. I am a student who works part-time and she works full time. Lets say my sleeping schedule is very messed up right now. I work twice a week till 2-3 am so i also sleep very late usually. My flatmate has a regular job and she has to wake up every day at 6 or 7 am. At the beginning, I'm gonna admit it, i was pretty annoying with the noise because i wasn't sure how loud i was being. But right now i try my best to be quiet. The thing is she told me "i can be as loud as i want on the weekend but on weekdays she has to work". The thing is that i mostly work on weekends so what she's offering doesn't help at all. I have to lower the volume of everything by 9pm (Lowering meaning barely being able to hear it) I can use earphones and i do most of the time but sometimes the battery dies or my ears hurt by having them in all the time. Today i was studying at 1 am and the music was very low (i couldn't hear it when i entered the room) and just repeating some sentences with a very low voice. The thing is that my desk is right next to the wall and her bed too and she knocked so i would stop. I haven't been able to study at my desk since March. She doesn't only complain about music or me watching lectures or movies but also about movements (can't write on my desk, can't climb on my bed too loudly etc) I don't mind people being loud so i never complain about her (music too loud, her inviting her boyfriend and friends etc). One time i invited a guy home and i ended up going to his house because at 9pm she knocked at my door and told me to be quiet (we were just listening to some music and talking for only 3 min when she knocked). This is really driving me insane and I don't know what to do, i am a very shy person so i don't like confronting people but this is unbearable. I wouldn't expect people who are so noise sensitive to share flats, but hey here we are!

[nitsuj86]

First off, some paragraph breaks would help. Hard to read one long block of text, and follow it. But I'll try.

From what I understand, your schedules are conflicting and causing issues with volume late at night. You both have to work out something, it's not just she tells you what to do, and you do it. That's not gonna work. She sounds pushy, you sound like a pushover, a bad combo.

You also sound like you are only giving your side of things, and looking for people to take your side. This is your passive-aggressive way of getting what you want. Once enough people say you are right, you can show her, and prove you are right. But you are not. Neither of you are.

Here is what you do. You make your best effort to accommodate her within reason. Move your desk to another wall if it's right next to her bed, or help her move her bed. TALK TO HER, test out the volume level that she can sleep through, and if she is being unreasonable, tell her that. Tell her you are trying to work with her, and if she can't work with you, then you will just do whatever you want. Set a noise curfew that you find acceptable. This way you both get what you want.

If there are things she can do to help, then she needs to be doing them too. She can get ear plugs, move her bed, etc. If you guys are forced to live together, then you have to make it work on both ends. If it still doesn't, well then when you can find your own place or move, then do it.

[nitsuj86]

I used to be like you, I was very shy and hated conflict when I was younger. As a result, I never got what I wanted, and people would take advantage of my "niceness". Meaning they would just do whatever they wanted, cause they felt they could. They didn't respect me.

Eventually, that gets old, and you choose to either live in it, or change it. I started telling people NO, I'm not gonna do that, you're not gonna do that to me. Sure it doesn't make everyone happy all the time, but it gets results trust me. People treat you a lot better when you essentially show them how. You don't have to be an asshole to stand up for yourself.

I have had a few people describe me as the nicest asshole they have ever met. Might sound strange, but I don't mind. I'm a very nice guy, until you prove to me that you need to be treated otherwise, then I have no problem telling you to fuck off. I'm a team player, but some people aren't. And they won't learn that lesson until enough people like me tell them to fuck off.

[Jabberjaw]

" i am a very shy person so i don't like confronting people but this is unbearable. "

Time for you to put some big girl pants on. You either have this conflict or suffer. It really is that simple. It doesn't need to be a fight but you do have to face it.

If there is a shared living space for you to do your work that's perhaps farther away I would recommend trying that. That way when you need quiet there's always somewhat to go.

In your room, moving desk to another wall, perhaps the otherside. Reorganizing your room could resolve most the issue. Just getting furniture off of the walls makes a difference.

This really comes down to how much are you willing to do before having a talk with your roommate. If there are reasonable steps for you to take, then try that and see if it works.

If nothing works, then when she complains you say "I'm doing everything I can to not be too loud. If it's really still too loud for you then maybe some ear covers or earplugs is the solution. Because I'm doing all I can. I'm trying"

You also need to say that in a calm, sincere voice, not a frustrated accusing voice. It makes a difference. Best of luck to you girly

[LindsayR07]

Tell her you have made efforts to accommodate her, and at this point it is up to her to find a solution or a new flatmate, her choice... You may not want to move out, but if you can't write on your desk or climb into your bed, she's obviously hypersensetive and it's disrupting your studies and your sex life.

[On_cloud_wine]

This is one interview question I would ask when hunting for a roommate.. their lifestyle and what they do for work and hours..

[On_cloud_wine]

So they’re similar to mine.. if it was a small apartment

[kinggeorge007]

I agree with nitsuj86. It's not all her fault or it's not all your fault. You both need to work out something.

If you are playing on the other side of the wall at 1 am, don't you think you are doing something wrong? She seems over-complain-y too but I think that's because you don't do anything to ease the situation even when you can.

You definitely need to change your ways. That will lead to a base for negotiations. You are not at a level where you qualify for negotiations. Make amendments and show her you are doing something to improve the situation.

Then you will stand a chance to demand or even reduce the number of complaints.

[MrOracle]

Offer to buy her a white noise machine - a little speaker box that kind of sounds like the waves hitting the beach. If she puts it on before she goes to sleep, it will drown out other low noises and her sleep won't be interrupted. Her brain will adjust to the white noise and won't wake her up.

You can't change the walls and you can't be completely silent, but this is a real, workable solution. My sister uses one to help her daycare kids fall asleep, and it works great.

[Staximus]

Move your desk to the other side of the room, get some headphones that aren't stupid ear buds and funny stick in your ear, and tell your roommate they are being unreasonable. You can't be absolutely silent when she's asleep. She needs to learn how to sleep through noise, she's not a baby anymore. Tell her to get one of those sleep machines that make rain or river noise while you sleep. Some people use a fan, some use a little waterfall thing next to their bed, etc

[Friendlybro79]

You can do this. I know you're shy but you need to stick up for yourself a little. Yes be quiet but she needs to relax.

Or you can just find a new roommate

[SeekingVirginWife]

You are being very noisy by writing a huge wall of text...

[Iron_Man]

You have to quiet and tiptoe around the house dont bang a bunch of dishes together don’t turn the TV up too loud Don’t talk on the cell too loud

[RuthlessAggression]

My dad says I'm nosy. I don't try to be, that's just how I am. Nothing wrong with it.

[kinggeorge007]

"Nothing wrong"? No, it's not when you are around other people. There has to be cooperation.

[RuthlessAggression]

@kinggeorge007 There's nothing "wrong" with being nosy. It's only wrong, if you MAKE it wrong

[VV3ZZY]

It's called ear plugs! Lame ass roommates. That's why I prefer to live alone

[Anonymous]

What you should do?
Its a simple concept.
Make more money and change where you live. Living Alone is expensive but effective.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's time to look for a new flatmate. Or find a different job where you can work 9:00 to 5:00.

[Flower7]

Sounds like it’s time for a new flat!

[OlderAndWiser]

Time to find a new roommate.

[NYCQuestions1976]

Time for you to find a new apartment.

[Joker_]

are you in love with her

[anton_dee]

Stop being noisy. Respect others needs.

[Anonymous]

keep quiet