First, in last week’s installment of Shy Guy 101, you were told to give yourself a homework assignment. What was your assignment? Did you complete it? Tell me about that experience.
You came back for the second installment, so I will assume that means that you have decided to take the bull by the horns, to take charge of your life, and to make something different happen. It should feel good just to have gotten that attitude and maybe you feel slightly more optimistic that you can actually make something different happen.
Do you see what happened there? YOU convinced yourself to have a different attitude, that made you feel a bit different, like you have the power to make a change. That is how we will approach the problem of talking to women.
Let’s think how this shy problem has affected you. When you are at home, are you shy? Probably not. And when you are out in public, are you shy? Probably. Outside of your house, are you shy talking to women who you already know? Probably not. (I am making some assumptions and everyone is not alike so if these assumptions do not apply to you, please let me know. Really! Tell me in a comment if you are shy even talking to girls who you already know.)
What is the difference between talking to your sister or your cousin – easy, easy, easy – and talking to a girl you don’t know? There are two differences:
1. Obviously, when you are talking to a female relative or a female who is a platonic friend, you know that you are not going to ask them for a date, so you don’t have the fear of rejection.
2. You have talked to your sister, cousin, etc. so many times that you don’t engage in that “rehearsal”/anticipation that leads to the feeling of dread and impending death. You know that feeling: the closer you get to that cute girl, the more it feels like someone is trying to rip out your stomach with their bare hands.
So . . . how can we get you talking to potential “I’d go out with her” girls without experiencing the death is imminent feeling?
It’s actually easy. Your assignment this week is to approach a girl who you think is at least mildly cute/attractive and engage her in conversation but DO NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to ask her for her phone number, etc. or to ask her for a date. Unless she is just a bitch from hell, she isn’t going to reject you simply because you engage her in some brief small talk.
I want you to do this in person, not over the telephone and not through texting or any other DM. You need the face-to-face interaction to develop confidence. Texting is a coward’s way of handling this and that is NOT going to develop any confidence in you.
What are you going to talk about? Depends on the girl, how you know her, and what (if anything) you know about her. You will plan a few topics for conversation in advance so you are worried about not having anything to say.
Is she in one of your classes at college? Obviously, you can talk about the class, instructor, subject matter, or college life. Is she a member of your church? How long has she been a member, does she participate in any activities at church besides attending services, what attracted her to this church? Is she a co-worker? You can talk about the job, fellow co-workers, nearby places to have lunch, etc.
The idea is to plan, in advance, a few topics to discuss. Once you actually start talking, your anxiety will probably dissipate quite rapidly. But what if you talk about that topic and there is a lull in the conversation? Have an exit strategy already planned! “Hey, I enjoyed talking but I promised someone that I would call them at 10:30 so I need to go. Hope we can talk again soon!” And then you walk away. Do NOT ask for her phone number, do NOT ask for a date, do not try to establish or even hint that you feel any attraction to her whatsoever. All of those things could lead to her saying something like, “you’re a nice guy but I’m dating someone right now,” and I want you to approach this task with the assurance that you will not get rejected.
This assignment may make you feel a bit nervous but you can do it. It is going to be a brief conversation and there will not be any possibility of rejection. This is how you retake control of your life, so go out there and make it happen!