It seems like no matter how hard I try to surpass youth and grow up whether it be reluctantly or with full acceptance & desire to want to - there's always something that pulls me back into a the fray of the teen against motif.
I started a new job in late September/early October in a field I had no experience in even though my resume is pretty lacklustre in what I have done and lacks any worthwhile skills & credentials regardless (in my opinion). Anyway a few of the things that stood out in regards to age was how much I was relying on temps & part time workers to show me the ropes and how well I got along with them all to the point that we hang out on the weekends or outside of work (which isn't a complaint).
BUT what gives this significance is that they all are either 5, mostly 10, or 15 years younger than me which I find amusing and concerning because on one hand that's cool that I can get along with different age groups and types of people and I still can resonate with the youth to the point I & they all consider us peers BUT on the other hand I should be more mature and accomplished in life and feel like they should be looking up to me as an example rather than just some guy who doesn't act his age that they can relate/identify with.
This is nothing new to me - I seem to befriend different groups of early 20 year olds every year based on my willingness to try new things and go to new places as well as put myself out there but one of the things that is tad concerning is - I don't feel like I'm levelling up accordingly and I feel like the fringe friend amongst a lot of these groups based on the age gap (because I am).
In some ways being surrounded by youth helps me forget about the existential dread & anguish but it also reminds me of my inability to advance in life.
Basically - This isn't that much fun anymore
I wouldn't mind if I was managing to do the things I wanted to do (or should have done years ago) but it just seems pathetic to be this far behind and some of the aspects that was fuelling this type of behaviour just seems creepy and out place now (mainly dating and the PUA bullshit I was doing but that deserves it's own separate topic/discussion).
I don't know what I'm trying to express with this, I feel like I'm looking into a two way mirror but I'm only seeing my reflection.
A different type of growing pains - what do I mean by that?
Well with the way things played out last year with the abandonment of creative projects that took years to make, distancing myself from destructive friends & people, injuring myself and losing my job only to scramble to get another one I feel like I'm in a bit of personal rebuild & reboot.
My goals and ambitions for this year are still undecided and up in the air but making changes and being willing to leave unideal situations are definitely going to be on the forefront of my mind along with doubling down on Art, Health and Wealth.
I want to focus more on the things I care about rather than the bullshit we can all get lost in from time to time and after renewing my gym membership (since the summer) and meeting up with some old friends (I hadn't seen in 3 years) to skateboard at DIY indoor park, I'm feeling very sore and hurt but in a good way because I was using muscles I hadn't used in awhile.
To me it feels like "growing pains" and I like to think that it's my body's way of saying "hey, if you keep doing the things that you have been - you'll finally reach that next level"
Thanks for reading
**What are your "growing pains"?
Checkout my last mytake - Masturbation & Escapism: A modern day saga