I ended things with him and he doesn't seem to care. Is he just hiding his feelings?

[Anonymous]

My guy and I have been best friends for a year. We hung out nearly every day and since February we started sleeping together. This month he has spent literally nearly every day at my place, I even considered giving him a key.

However, even though I met his family and all his friends he just never seemed to want to make this 'relationship' official. It was pretty clear that he does not see me as his girlfriend and this started to take a toll on me because I know that I love him.

But he never believed it, saying that I only want him for fun and nothing more. Last week we had a fight and he went through a lot of effort to fix things between us.

However, now that I told him that I can't continue this casual situation, he just doesn't seem to care. Doesn't try to call or text or anything.

I guess it means he just never cared and I should just let it go. Unless you think there might be something more to it? Could he just be hiding his true feelings? Obviously, I am secretly hoping that this is a wake up call for him and he will finally commit fully... what do you guys and girls think?

[med11]

Yes, I think there is something more to it. That is that you are not looking at the entire picture and have a (no offense) very small grasp on how men show their feelings. Real men show their feelings by action as we feel action proves to the woman in our lives that they are important to us. In your case, you had a guy: introduce you to his friends, introduce you to his family, spent "nearly every day" at your place, and "went through a lot of effort to fix things between" you.

Do me a favor and, just for this exercise, try to put yourself in his shoes. He is doing all these things and yet doesn't trust you for some reason (as you stated - "he never believed it") and feels you (not him, but YOU) want him only for your own personal enjoyment. Think about that for a moment and then read my next paragraph.

My point is, from my perspective, he went above and beyond for you and while his actions all pointed toward a man courting a woman and doing everything in his power to assure her security, it is you who failed to do the same. Did you do anything to make him feel secure about your feelings? What actions did you do to make him feel loved and what actions did you present that you are not just out for "fun"? I am not trying to be harsh but from your question, you truly come off as a bit selfish. Obviously I don't know you so I could be absolutely incorrect on this but from what you stated (ie: your words written) you certainly do.

Have you ever heard the phrase "love is shown"? Well, he certainly showed his love and feelings. Did you? If not, he simply recognized it and moved on. Women should be warned that while there are a good amount of desperate men who will dance to their tune, there are men that won't and it is those men that typically both attract women constantly and typically end up being the most desired as top notch males because while they treat their women wonderfully, they also, in return, expect it back toward them. A confident man that is.

[Asker]

I think you make many valid points and his actions were what kept me around for so long. Yes, I did show him that I cared more than once. Every time he would be here I'd cook for him, wash his clothes, agree to do anything he wants to do, he once spilled something on his t-shirt in a museum and I sneaked out to the gift shop just to buy him a new one... and I always listened to him, I supported him throughout rough times, he came off his anti-anxiety meds while with me. However, at the same time he would make a point of TELLING me that he doesn't really care, that he'd never be jealous if I went off with someone else, that 'when he has a girlfriend again he'd do this and that' clearly making me understand that he doesn't consider me to be one. I appreciate his gestures, but I'm left just feeling used. And considering that he is not trying to dispute that apart from turning things against me and telling me that I'm the one who doesn't care... I guess I'm right :(

[Asker]

Also, I am starting to think that him staying so much at my place was just due to convenience. Maybe I should add that in the time we've been sleeping together he went and begged for TWO of his crazy ex-girlfriends back after telling me he doesn't want a relationship. I really should have added that...

[med11]

I wish you would have added what you just stated in your original question/statement as it changes things in a massive... considerable manner. In fact, it changes the entire thing. If what you say is true then you are correct and you did show your feelings through action and it is he who has the issue (s) and certainly it was a convenience scenario for him (in my opinion).

Have you ever heard the psychological stance that "the person who blames someone for something, is typically guilty of it themselves"? While this is not set in stone, I have found it to be true in many cases I have advised on. In other words, he accuses you of only being out for fun because that is his own guilt being brought to the surface.

This guy seems like a mentally deluded head case who thinks too highly of himself, is narcissistic likely (from the little you shared) & you are much better off being done with him for good.

[med11]

If he "begged" two ex's back there is a massively high propensity that he will likely be back to you sooner or later when he needs emotional support (ie: to use someone). In fact, everything you stated about him does fall into the model for the classic narcissist and they are, singularly, the most destructive force to men/women in their lives in terms of emotionally. I suggest.. no I highly suggest you steer very clear from this, especially when he comes back (and he will if he is a narcissist) and begs you "for another chance" (you'll know I am right if it plays out that way).

Bad situation and you need to ask yourself "what do I deserve in a relationship and what do I want?" Don't accept much deviation from your desire (s) if your desires are logical (ie: not outlandish). This guy seems like a bad situation and I would suggest stopping all contact immediately if what you said is correct.

[Asker]

thank you, I really needed to hear it even if I kinda knew it in my heart, I am grateful that you can put it so well into words. Particularly the thing with his exes - I mean I knew them and they weren't necessarily nice people themselves, but I am starting to think that they just reacted to the toxic situations he created in his relationships by cheating, at the same time being overly dependent, constantly on and off etc. This should have been a massive red flag, but considering we started off as friends and we really 'got' each other for a long time before starting a sexual relationship, I just always saw/got to see the good in him, and never the bad.

[med11]

I suggest you read or watch some primary sources on narcissism as I think that after doing so, you will have a large "holy shit" moment.

[Asker]

Yeah, some of the things I'm reading certainly sound familiar. Such as: pathological lying (he never admitted to begging his exes back - I never understood why, he could have just told me and it would have been an easy way out), lots of insecurity - he ended a 3 year friendship with someone just because they got better grades than him (he of course says that it is because they are full of themselves and inconsiderate of others - which is partly true) and most of all - what he is doing now as well - 'ignoring' as an answer to me telling him that he hurt me in some way. He's done that plenty of times before, and he is doing it again.

[med11]

Yeah from the little you stated my mind is certainly looking at the narcissist probability. Be very careful as, no matter what you do, it will never end well for you if that is the case. You will simply just through hoops, deal with constant lies, deal with constant manipulations, deal with constant guilt trips, and never get what you need emotionally and relationship related. I would, again, suggest being done with the situation and thanking your lucky stars you aren't connected in any deeper manner such as a baby or marriage.

[loda1994]

nothing you can do :/
perhaps wait a week and call him. but i think you will never be bestfriends again

[Asker]

I can't cave in... this whole 'break up' is because he never considered me his girlfriend in the first place. And I told him that, so the way it is is that I pretty much told him that I loved him over and over again, he always told me that I don't really mean it, and he never wanted to commit. So I just can't continue anymore and I told him that. It is not because I don't want to be with him - I do think that if anything, the ball is in his court now. But I guess he just tossed the ball away without even thinking about it :(

[dreamingincake]

He won't commit if he doesn't want to, so don't wait around or indulge in wishful thinking. You need to move on. If he comes around, then deal with him at that moment, but don't wait for him.

[Asker]

Yeah, I know :( I told him that it is because I just can't continue this casual stuff, that I care too much and that I am getting hurt by his attitude, but no reply to this apart from turning things against me and telling me that it is me who just wants him for fun... I'm so sad, I can't even go out today because I can't stop crying. All I want is for him to be at my door and tell me he wants me, like he did last time (I mean... he was at my door trying to fix an argument, he did not actually say he wants to be with me).

[dreamingincake]

You told him you have feelings, but he says you're lying and just want him for fun? Sounds like to me that he is insecure, which is his problem. Not yours.

[Asker]

I've told him that over and over and over again :( Last time his response was literally: 'You just see me as someone to have fun with, nothing more'.

[dreamingincake]

He's a waste of your time if he's just gonna have a pity party and deny your feelings for him. If he think he's not worth having just say "You're right, you're not. Goodbye."

[Asker]

Yeah, I should have done. Instead, I just restated why I can't continue and asked him for his address to send him his stuff back. He replied that I am 'fatalistic' and gave me the address. That's the last I heard from him. I guess it is for the best.

[dreamingincake]

If its meant to be he'll come back around. I wouldn't worry too much

[Anonymous]

Sorry to say but he called your bluff.

[Asker]

Yeah, I guess he did. But I think that if he wanted to be with me he'd tell me NOW. As he doesn't I guess I really never mattered.