Why do I fantasize about a total jerk?

[Anonymous]

I wish I didn't, but I do. He is a total jerk, I mean one of the worst people I have met my whole life. He is cruel, insensitive, vulgar, insulting,selfish, without a heart, greedy, without compassion. He is the kind that will step on you, and never lose sleep about the enemies he gathers on a daily basis. His only positive characteristic is his handsome face and body. We had a mostly sexual relationship more than a year ago, I was in a lost, confused and messed up place in my life. Our relationship was crazy, horrible, exciting and mostly left me with a used and uncomfortable feeling.

After a long time of trying to handle my addiction to him, and to control it, I realized I can't win, he is a shark, and I don't even belong in the water. I have cut him out totally of my life, told him off, and blocked him. It has been two months of freedom. The thought of him usually makes me embarrassed, humiliated and angry. Yet, for some reason, I still find my mind fantasizing about him, and often have to shake off these slip ups.

My life is filled with positive people now, genuine people. True love, honestly and hope.

Why the hell can't I get rid of him from my head? Help. It scares me.

[Anonymous]

you can; I've been in your position before, you just need to reamain constantly persistent, I guess the thoughts of him are like birds,.. you can't stop them flying around but you can stop them from landing on your head, with time the birds (thoughts) will get fed up and go away.. however depending on how intimate your relationship is, that will determine how long it will take..

.. however, don't try TOO hard to block him out of your life unless its very necessary, as with all things, if you deprive yourself of something you'll want it more ; I remember what helped me a lot was to see and accept the other flirting with other people saying good things to them and stuff , (which will hurt at first), eventualy you will learn how irrelavent the thoughts are, and you will feel much stronger on the inside that it no longer affects you,.

you will Still rememember him, but it will be a 'very distant memory'; you'll even be able to talk to him and be freinds with him and not fall for him.. however for now keep a distance so you can 'prove' to your brain he's in the past.. but don't try too hard!

P.s. Had the exact same problem as you, and thought there was no hope; but there is just be persistant , constantly 'evade' the thoughts. - don't open em! eventualy they will get bored and leave. =)

[Asker]

Thank myou for the encouragement. I am finally over the pain, bitterness and fear. I realize now, he is who he is, and I had the choice all along to opt out. I actually wrote him a note apologizing for the stuff I said to him, and the blame. I finally can relax if I run into him, because I did everything as right as I could dispute his attitude. If he ever speaks to me again, well it is his problem. I still fantaze about sex, but It is less often, and easier to stop.

[Mesonfielde]

Because you had a physically meaningful relationship with him, and that has been engraven in your memories. There's nothing you can do about it.

[Asker]

There are people I had better and more meaningful sex with, that I never think about. That's the weird thing.

[Mesonfielde]

Both positive and negative emotions are a form of "attention". It takes extra energy and effort to hate someone.

[derrick112]

It's because you subconscious brain is telling you he is attractive. Your brain is hard-wired to be attracted to men who have alpha-male characteristics. Even though he's a "total jerk" he still possesses those alpha-male characteristics.

[DoeJohn]

I second this

[Asker]

I think it is because he is one of the few that rejected me and treated me like crap. My pride was crushed, and I kept allowing him to manipulate and use me. I felt like I was aways losing, and I couldn't escape. The trick his to remove the blame, accept my and choice of messing with him and take deep breathe every time I drive by. I am free.

[sirhenry400]

It's probably because you've spent a relationship that you will remember for quite some time. It's not unnatural to think of past relationships, especially fantasizing about them because they've been a part of your life that your mind is telling you not to forget. In time you will find another and forget about this jerk totally. Hope this helps. =)