Why does male coworker act flirty/friendly then completely distant?

[sadiefluff]

I need some insight: I recently got hired at probably the first job I’ve ever actually loved and I was lucky to get, working at a middle school as an aide to two male teachers. I am an attractive female (30’s) about 11 years younger than my male coworkers. All three of us are married and have mentioned our spouses. One of the teachers (the one I work with more often) is very attractive to me and I have felt serious sexual tension around him and attraction towards him (I have zero clue if he feels that way back). However I love my husband and have zero intentions of ever cheating on him. However I have noticed that this guy is seriously a charmer and has a flirtatious, and extremely likable personality. Some co-workers have called him “shy” but I actually find him very social, reserved, yet playful/flirty. And it is frustrating for me because of my attraction towards him. Lately he seemed to to be a bit more flirty than before: Playfully pulling the napkins away from me in the break room so I couldn’t reach them, joking with me and teasing me. When we talk, we both hold eye contact a lot more intensely than I think is normal, often standing closer to each other at times than I feel is normal etc. And then there’s days where he seemed flustered and nervous around me. However, he then will come in and suddenly be super aloof towards me, almost cold, like I’ve done something wrong and he doesn’t even like me. My other male coworker has expressed noticing that as a friend he can go hot and cold towards him too. I feel jerked around. I just want to have a professional yet friendly relationship with him. But his playful flirty then cold removed back and forth has me frustrated and extremely confused. I want to keep this job as I love it. And it is not an option to avoid him at work because I am literally his aide and work side by side to him. Why is he acting like this?

[aubscc27]

Honestly... I don't know why he does that but my advice is if you want to keep the job and you think the flirting and stuff might jeopardize it... Don't flirt back anymore... You can still be friendly just not flirty anymore and he'll probably take the hint and stop flirting too... 🤷

[Barbievan]

He doesn't really know how to act half the time because he likes you (and knows damn well you have feelings towards him too) but has to turn it off because he knows it's wrong.

[ShiftAC]

TAKE COnTRol of thE Situation

Abort abort abort. Abort the ship.

Dont trust me but believe that these mind games are fked up and it ain't gonna end well foe your job + family.

Unless you want live on the edge.

[Avicenna]

Is this affected by whoever is around? He may not want others seeing him flirty with others.

[sadiefluff]

No. His behavior doesn’t change depending on who’s around. Like in the break room this was in front of several other coworkers. And then other times he’s flirty when we’re completely alone in a room.

[WhereAmI]

The real question is why do women act this way? Could be your answer.

[sadiefluff]

That’s a good thought, except I’d have no idea. 😂 I would never act that way. Here are my guesses:
1. He is just like this, flirty by nature, and so perhaps he doesn’t realize that he’s coming off “flirty” towards me. So when I respond and flirt back, he doesn’t know why I’m flirting with him, so he freaks out, acts super distant towards me to send the message that he’s not interested in that way.

2. He feels bad about how he’s been flirting because he’s married so he goes back and forth, hot and cold, trying to control his and my feelings from going too far.

3. He is completely unaware that he does this, and is having a bad day, or something is on his mind making him come off cold towards me.

That’s all I can think of.

[WhereAmI]

I'd say #2. Most women who act that way are probably due to #3. 😂

[sadiefluff]

Oops, I forgot option #3.
He flirts with women at work as an ego boost, but then when I’m obviously responding and flirting back, he freaks out and acts cold the next day to send the clear message that his flirting in no way meant he was interested. But then of course inevitably will flirt again in the future when he needs the ego boost. Long story short, he’s playing me.

Unfortunately I’m frustrated because I worry it’s this, #4. Which honestly is super annoying and not very considerate to send women mixed signals just to see how they react back, when it’s solely to massage your self esteem. Then act cold the next day. I think I’m just going to respond by not responding when he starts being all super friendly and flirty towards me. Because I don’t want these mind games.

[Curiousasker235]

Well it's probably him not getting flirting back or its the guy wanting sex and moving on.
Might be he did not feel you two gave him attention back.

[Yammy]

Maybe tell him your frustrations?

[Anonymous]

So, what happened after he took the napkin?