I slapped my fiance, how can I gain his trust back and get him to feel the same again?

[dreamer2]

i slapped my fiance in public and his boss & co-worker saw, and some people around the plaza. and the reason I slapped him is because he said out loud that I wasn't a virgin. he is still in the process of getting over it although I have sincerely apologized and I really do feel bad about it. he feels that it may happen again and has a fear of it and says if it goes on we cannot be together. that was the first time that has happened and it will be the very last. we had problems for a little over half a year because he was emotionally and verbally abusing me about my weight, skin, appearance, and so on. he would pick on things a lot and that made me very aggressive. all of that has recently stopped and its just so hard for me to believe that its finally over. its just made me more of an aggressive person though, and I'm not saying I have an excuse for what I did, but it is why it came to a point that it happened, because ever since our problems started before, time after time it made me become more of an aggressive person. and now this. I didn't mean it and I love him very much, what can I do to make him trust me again and love me just as he did?

[Anonymous]

I see some responses on here that indicate they think being slapped is much worse than being emotionally abused. I disagree.

I was abused by a boyfriend as a teenager. He abused me emotionally and he also hit me on 2 occasions. Being hit by him, a man who was much stronger and bigger than I am was painful. I still deal with neck issues due to it. And, as is often the case, I did nothing to bring the attacks on. He had very low self-esteem so when the guys in our group would make jokes about him, he would laugh with them, but take all his anger out on me when they left.

So, even with regular neck issues, the physical abuse is not what caused me the greater harm. It was his verbal attacks that did. In fact, when he hit me, it was just another sign to me of how cruel he was towards me, the girl that loved him, and that is what really hurt. Maybe the guys on here who think being slapped is worse are really zeroing in on the humiliation aspect of the slap and that his boss and co-worker witnessed him being hit by a woman. If so, I still don't get how you can forgive him all his cruelties towards you, but he cannot forgive you this one.

This man is a horrible man and if you keep staying with him he will keep up his attacks on you. He has problems. However, you cannot fix him, you can only take care of yourself. Staying with him will only continue to bring out the worse in you. He hasn't stopped his attacks on you, he's just changed them up. Blurting out loudly in public you are not a virgin and then playing these mind games on you about not forgiving you for one transgression when he has repeatedly treated you badly is the same as what he has done in the past.

You may not be ready to end this with him yet, but I don't see how you can make this work. Good luck!

[nevergivinguponu]

Reread your post. You are cdhanging to cope with his abusive behavior by now giving him the same treatment you feel he deserves. You are in a place emotionally where you should not remain with this man. Things are not going to get better unless you see a therapist. There is no excuse for slapping him. I am sorry but not for a situation like this. Sure, you were embarassed and angry but to slap him? You need to work on regaining self control. Obviously, he has tried to change his behavior and move forward but you haven't forgiven him and maybe you never will. When you said "..he stopped and ...it's just so hard for me to believe" you might have been testing him too. However, all these games and past issues make it to hard for a relationship to last.

Okay you want to make it better and you are determined to stay in ths situation. I would in person and in writing apologize. I would ask him what you can do to be forgiven and move forward.I would give him credit for his change in behavior and tell him that you are not going to test him anymore to see what his reactioin is going to be.tell him you do not want to treat him that way ever again and want him to know that because of the things he did it has made you very angry and defensive. Ask him to help you work that out. Did if he ever tell you why he said and did those things to you.

[reeltaulks]

Well you gave him exactly what he deserved for his abuse. I am quite sure he does not appreciate the fact that you reacted in that manner, but oh well he got exactly what he gives... abuse. Now because I am saying this does not mean that I am condoning it. This is what happens when you tolerate and entertain people with this kind of mentality. They will put the blame as well as guilt on you for what they have started. You should have been the one to put him in his place verbally and tell him to stop abusing about all of the above mentioned and if he doesn't then the relationship is over. You allowed him to continue until he felt he was bored or had you "where he wanted you" only for it to build up and walla a slap was your reaction. All I am going to say is, he is not only immature but a control freak. If he cannot see where he is wrong and can only discipline and control you when you are wrong this relationship will go no where. He is embarrassed that you put him in his place and now he looks like a bi***. Be careful of what you wish for even though the writing is on the wall... P.S If you can give it, you can take it! CiaO

[Myth024]

When I was married my wife and I got into a really bad fight and she threw a dish at me. I know, cliche` right? At that moment she made me so angry that I wanted to lash out and smack her but instead I took a deep breath and told her to never do that again and then left to go for a walk and cool down. (Later she told me the look in my eyes scared the sh*t out of her.) When I got back we were able to sit down and talk about why each of us did what we did.

You both are going to get into arguments and tempers will rise. Now is the time to decide how to handle this. You can't have a marriage without trust and if every-time you screw up he decides not to trust you anymore then you might need to re-consider how strong your relationship actually is. You've forgiven him for his verbal abuse and gave him a chance to change his behavior, why wouldn't he now give you the same?

I would also really think about how this relationship has changed you as a person and are you happy with who your are becoming. I know it's hard to say that a relationship isn't good for you especially when you love someone, but if the two of you can't work past this then how does that look for your future? If being with him has made you more aggressive how do you think that will translate to your children.

That's just the way it looks to me but ultimately it's about how you feel and trusting your instincts to make the right choices in life.

Good luck. :)

[bersaba]

Man, I hate some of these responses.

"He had it coming."

No, he didn't. He had being yelled at coming. He had being told he has a small penis coming. What he DID NOT have coming is physical violence.

Domestic violence works both ways. If I slapped my girlfriend then said "She said I had a tiny penis in public, so she had it coming". I'd be instantly told I was a pig, and probably have the cops called. Rightly so.

As for your question, your partner will probably get over it in time. The real question is what are you going to do about your reaction. You slapped your partner this time. If you have kids in the future will you slap them? At what point is the limit?

I'm not trying to be nasty about it, and you seem remorseful. Perhaps there are other things going on in your life. High stresses or something.

[LJW_RED_DRAGONS]

Neither of you are mentally mature enough to get married.

If he can't keep his mouth shut and you can't control yourself what is going to keep this marriage together 5 months after the fact when something more serious happens?

You just proved it right there, by slapping him. He's not ready and neither are you.

You should have pulled him aside and discussed how dumb he is and how he doesn't respect you. The fact he said that probably means deep down he's having second thoughts and that was a outburst to make you do something stupid like I don't know slap him in public so he can demonize you and give him an easy out.

Grow up move on.

[Mesonfielde]

Truth.

[thisGUYknows]

preach!

[ZenSpace]

Any woman who will slap a man in public does NOT deserve him. If you were my girlfriend I would have ldumped you on the spot. The fact that this guy is still with you, even after you did that, implies to me that he has very low self-esteem.

Spousal abuse is a very serious issue. It does not matter if you are not big or strong enough to do physical damage to him. You may have inflicted serious EMOTIONAL damage, you may have brought his self-esteem even lower. Its possible for a man to hold a grudge for something like this for years, and to never recover.

On top of that, it sounds like he was not very nice to you either (although he never hit you!) This does not sound like a healthy relationship at all.

I recommend you find a good couples therapist. I also recommend you TALK to him about your feelings BEFORE they reach a boiling point next time.

[sonia-wild]

excuse me 'The fact that this guy is still with you, even after you did that, implies to me that he has very low self-esteem.' <------ this is not ture I've slapped my fiance plenty of time but we are still together and its because of his self esteme its because he loves me, love can make you do a lot of things and maybe one day you will realize this.

[Guytalks]

@sonia: May be you're not the most qualified person to lecture others about what love can make you do or not do, as you slapped your fiance "plenty of times".

[ZenSpace]

sonia, hitting your loved one is not OK. That is abuse. You are an abusive person.

You are no differant than a man who beats his wife. A lot of those abused wives stay with their abusive husbands too, just like your boyfriend stays with you. A lot of abused women talk about love and how everyone else does not understand. IT is not OK for men to hit women, it is not OK for you to hit your boyfriend either.

I urge you, PLEASE get help and therapy. seek counseling.

[dreamer2]

The only problem is, he doesn't want to hear what I have to say, ever. I have no memory of a time where he ever let me finish one sentence. When I tell him that I have had bad experience in the past with relationships, he doesn't want to hear it just because it bugs him. He tells me he doesn't care about how I have had bad experience before and doesn't care how I have been hurt by it. If he would have been treating me the opposite of how he was treating me in the last few months, I would never

[dreamer2]

bring it up. Not like I bring it up regularly, but at times when its an on topic discussion/argument, then yes occasionally in those cases I have mentioned it. Then he verbally and emotionally abuses me even more so I have just stopped. I am not proud of myself for slapping him but that doesn't mean he should have left me on the spot, whereas he has done just as much damage to my system as well. We both have.

[Guytalks]

I think your post proves three things:

1) Emotional and verbal abuses are as unacceptable as physical violence

2) Quite a few people like to make excuses about why their abuse toward others are acceptable while any abuse toward them is unacceptable.

3) fortunately there are a bunch of sane people who understand that ANY abuse is unacceptable and counter-productive

[ZenSpace]

Thank you.

[thisGUYknows]

there it is right there. good answer

[Standingpretty]

Perfect

[StringofFate]

He sounds like such a catch, trying to turn you into a completely different woman!

Ik it's a bit late in the game, what a tragedy. Sounds like he has some psych issues, I'd recommend a therapist.

I think your use of the word love there is incorrect. You may care about each other on some level but he doesn't seem to care about your spiritual growth if he's doing things like that.

Like I said, I think the one and only solution is therapy, probably both of you need it.

F*** all the other male answers, I find guys on this site to be delusional at best unless they're trolling you.

[Standingpretty]

Omg why are getting married if he makes comments about your appearance and you slap him in public? Making a commitment to someone requires maturity, mutual understanding, and a lot of holding back when you feel like you want to hurt someone. Neither of you hold back and you let yourselves abuse each other. You can bet he already trusts you enough because if he can make rude comments about you and you don't leave after being insulted, he's got you owned. No offense, but a commitment such as marriage takes a lot of maturity which I don't see in this situation and the only way I could see it working is by seeing a therapist and learning a little self control.

[toulouse]

@" we had problems for a little over half a year because he was emotionally and verbally abusing me about my weight, skin, appearance, and so on. he would pick on things a lot and that made me very aggressive,"

I am not condoning violence, wrong to hit him, but you realize that.

My question to you is, Why exactly do you love him so much?

He sounds like an asshole.

I think he is trying to get you mad at him, so he has an excuse to leave OR he is trying to dig your confidence down so you won't think you can leave,

Either way he is being an asshole. From the sound of it repeatedly.-- What's to love?

Either way he is abusive and you guys are not even married yet. not good,.

[Anonymous]

You really did screw up on that one, Do you know how humiliating it is for a guy to be slapped by his girlfriend? or any girl? I Don't mean to be a douchebag or anything, but I doubt he'll ever forgive you for that, and the worse part is, you hit him in public, everyone saw that, and now they all disrespect him because you disrespected him, they treat him like trash now, all thanks to you, But of course, you'll have to make it up for him, actually, there is no way you could make it up for him, as he already is starting to get over you.

[Anonymous]

He's a jerk and you are worried about the slap? If you are having to beg and grovel to get him to treat you right, well that is just another abusive manipulation on his part. I am sure you probably forgave him quickly, at least in the beginning, for his abuse towards you, so that he would be so harsh towards you after all he has done, is not cool.

I will tell you that overdoing apologies never works. In fact, I have observed that it backfires and makes things worse. One simple yet very sincere apology is enough. Adding anything to that will only get the person to be more resentful about moving past the problem.

[ZenSpace]

Of the 2 people in their relationship. Only 1 of them has hit the other one. It sounds like they both treated each other badly. BUT SHE IS HITTING HIM. What she did is worse.

[Opinion Owner]

I couldn't agree less. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive and it left scars that I still have decades later. The couple of times I received the belt from him don't bother me at all. Emotional abuse is awful, the sting of a slap goes pretty quickly. He's just using this to emotionally abuse her again.

[ZenSpace]

yeah well my mother emotionally abused me OK? So we are even. And let me tell you, when a woman hits a man that IS emotional abuse! When a woman hits a man it is about humiliating him, it is about establishing a peeking order and making him feel inferior, especially when it is in front of his friends and co-workers. I am not trying to take "sides" here, both the guy and the girl in this relationship are messed up and I think they should split. But hitting IS emotional abuse. She was wrong.

[Opinion Owner]

I guess you and I will have to agree to disagree on the slap part. I do agree that you should not hit or slap or emotionally abuse someone what I don't agree is that somehow her 1 slap is so much worse than his ongoing abuse. If she can forgive him, he should be able to forgive her but I think that is just more of his abusive manipulation anyways.

[Anonymous]

someone can hide who they are for several months and then they can't hide it anymore...IF this abusive behavior was going on before I believe it will return when he can't pretend he's something he's not anymore. I think this whole relationship sounds unhealthy and scary and you need to get out of it and move on...you need to worry more about how you're gonna learn to love yourself instead of trying to figure out a way to get back into this guys good graces. Now he's making you beg and plead for him to forgive you and this will give him permission to go right back to being an abusive pig, you watch and see what I'm telling you.

Good luck

[ZenSpace]

I agree, someone can hide their abusive nature, but it always comes out in the end.

She hit him, she will do it again. She will keep abusing him.

[martyfellow]

I thik you set a good example by slapping him for his behavior. Guys should have that happen in public to embarrass them into behaving better. Good for you, Dreamer.

I think he'll trust that you won't put up with his behavior any longer, don't you?

[ZenSpace]

I hope that's a joke...

[likewoahhh]

honestly I would never hurt (physically) the guy I loved.

no matter what he said/did. you made a mistake, and so did he.

if you two really loved each other, you would get past it and move on.

it's not really a big deal.. it's not like you punched him or anything.

but he'll forgive you eventually and you two will be okay again :)

[billy2340]

SHAME ON YOU! you should apologize and give him head 24/7 and swallow as a punishment. poor guy, he is probably traumatized. that is the problem with you girls trying to control everything.

if a girl slapped me I would cheat on her with all her girlfriends!

[TruthJones]

LMAO...this is quite halarious...

[Electric_Dreams]

Don't marry him! He emotionally and verbally abused you about your weight, skin and appearance. That's what some guys who do to their wives of 20 years, he's doing that before he's even married you then it's just gonna' get worse. It borders on bullying and to me it suggests possible physical abuse in the future.

[rachel_myers]

You love a guy that treats you that way? He's a control freak. Any guy that criticizes your weight, skin appearance and so on does not love you he is trying to own you and then to say you're not a virgin, first of all, so what if you're not, second of all if he wanted a virgin he should have found one! Send this loser packing.

[Craziie]

Learn how to maintain your anger ya know? If you feel the need to physically hurt him in anyway, just close your eyes and take a deep breath. That should calm you down and clear your mind. If you do promise to never do that again to him, mean it ya know? Relationship abuse isn't cool.

[ZenSpace]

lol, do you mean "maintain anger" or "control anger"? :-)

[Drake742]

LMAO that's what I thought too

[Craziie]

You've found my typo ! Lucky you ;)

But yeah, it's what I meant. If I really wanted to rebudle I could say that it does make sense. Everyone gets angry whether they liek it or not, so I guess "maintaining" it would be realistic ;)

[sixstring]

stringoffate, what part of her message made you believe he was trying to change her. Apparantly he did treat her like an a**hole, but he changed.

ANyway, I agree with down below here. Saying that women have every right to hit men, but men should never beat women is just plain sexist. I'm not saying men should have the right to hit women. I'm saying women should stop pretending to want equality, because you really don't.

[andreanichole]

hmm I'm not sure but I know you lost your temper and I'm pretty sure that he knows that you didn't mean it... Now about the stuff that has been building up for you over the past year is serious and I think that you two need to sit down and talk. With the two of you engaged and all you gotta have communication with everything and that includes the heavy stuff... about hitting him in public with his friends and boss now hmm... he should have never said what he said in public because you never know who heard him say that! I'm sorry I couldn't help more

[dll16634]

Oh sh*t you f***ed up. The problem isn't that you hit him in the face, or even that it was out in public.

That It was a Slap is the problem, if you were really angry you should have punched him.

A slap to a man is outrageously demeaning to his pride. Somehow you gotta get that pride back to him. He must really care about you to have stayed with you but chances are he's still pissed. Maybe give him a crazy good lay, and NEVER EVER hit him open palm again.

[TruthJones]

How is a girl slapping a guy demeaning? I could see if it were another man...

[Lunarrose]

you either need to have more communication and tell him how bad it made you feel when he says things that make you feel like sh*t, and he needs to realize he can't say stuff like that and get away with it not hurting you.

if you can't work it out after a month or more and it doesn't seem to be getting better call it off and find someone new.

[Quadrophonic84]

One Girlfriend punched me in the balls when she was drunk. Dumped her on the spot.

[internet_user]

Wow !