Why do guys pull away when a girl shows interest?

[Nazgol]

& expresses her feelings

Updates

+1 y

& ignore

[MrOracle]

Mostly because the guy wasn't ever in it for feelings/romance/relationship - and often, he's told you that clearly, though sometimes he's a scumbag and lied to you - but a lot of guys just want sex with a pretty girl with no strings attached. If you start expressing feelings, he knows that "strings" (or more likely, ropes) will soon follow, and so he's going to walk away rather than get entangled into a relationship he doesn't want.

To some degree, men have always been this way - biologically, men's role in reproduction is to fertilize eggs - but that's potentially a 10 minute job, and we can be on to the next one 2 minutes later.

This is not to say that men don't fall in love - most do, but just as it is with women, men only fall for a small fraction of the women we meet. You don't fall in love with every guy you meet, right? Only one or two in a hundred, more likely. It's the same with guys. But here's the difference: most women only want to have sex with the guy she has feelings for, but men DO NOT HAVE THIS LIMITATION. Instead, for men, we want to have sex with virtually every woman we find physically attractive. Remember: we evolved to fertilize eggs - kind of like bees pollenate. So even though we may only have romantic feelings for 2 or 3 out of 100 girls that we meet, our SEXUAL interest is not nearly so limited. Most of us would want to have sex with 50 or 60 out of every 100 women we meet - as long as we find her physically attractive - but it doesn't mean we have feelings for most of them. For men, sex is an end to itself, and not something that has to be a part of something bigger. I know it's hard for women to grasp that concept - because most women don't work that way - but you can't understand men until you understand this about men.

If a guy has real feelings for you, then showing him interest won't make him pull away. But if you do the math, you'll understand why you're only going to have maybe 1 guy in 30 that you show interest to stick around (assuming you're fairly average) - because the rest of the time, you're one of the girls who is physically attractive to him but not romantically attractive to him. That doesn't make them bad guys - are you a bad person for not falling in love with most of the guys you meet? No! - but you need to stop equating a man's sexual interest with romantic interest, because for men, those are two very separate things that just happen to overlap sometimes.

[razelove]

Is this one guy in particular, or several guys that this has happened with?

I mean, I could ask why women do the same thing, no doubt a lot of NSA relationships and ONS I had were ones that I sought out, but the vast majority were dates I went on seeking a relationship, and it turned out that way. Walled in with no way to progress past being vehicles for fucking each other.

If I was dating at my age and your age, I would figure you were one of the same women who saw me as a stunt-cock a decade ago, but now are willing to "settle", with a strong incentive to with aging and the possibility of wanting children.

Is it so much that you have interest and feelings in me as a person, or me as a vehicle not for fucking now, but stability and sperm now that the party is winding down?

It's no reflection on you, but it would be crossing the front of my mind if I was single in my late 20s or early 30s. Looping back to my first question, if it's a lot of guys, that's probably what they're thinking. If it's one guy in particular that you've been dating and getting closer to, you'd have to ask him, and hope he'll answer, or have to move on.

[crazyish]

Both men and women are guilty of this. I've done it.. actually I do it now.. if a guy shows interest in me than just friends, I tend to pull away because I'll just end up hurting them while I'm working on myself. It could be for many different reasons though. Maybe they actually like the person but more as a friend but since you showed interest they figure a friendship wouldn't be possible. Maybe the interest wasn't gradual enough, too much too soon. Maybe they have personal things they are dealing with. Maybe they were more interested in the idea of a relationship but realized they weren't ready for one yet. Maybe they are scared of commitment. Or maybe they just enjoy the chase/challenge. In all honesty, don't take it personal. Its not about who you are. I guarantee that even if you were everything they ever wanted it still wouldn't matter. Whatever it is, it's their problem. Just keep moving along and find someone who won't.

[AmandaYVR]

So most of the guys are saying it's not fear of commitment-based. I think some are definitely like this, but here are plenty of examples of men who are not. So don't lose heart. You just haven't found the right guys yet. It's luck of the draw, sometimes.

[Xitomyth]

Because most guys are trained from birth to not show emotion, and are uncomfortable with displays of affection, I should know, I do it. Also, if something seems off, we may think that she is playing us and is looking for a quick score, yes it does happen look it up. Most women are emotional, and most guys are practical, so it causes misunderstandings and friction. Also, you ever consider he's just not that into you. Seriously, how do you want us to react when a woman expresses her interest and we have none in her? No, I'm seriously asking for future reference. Also, we need to be absolutely sure we want to commit to it, we run on reason and logic which dictates that we think things through, it's not fear of commitment but a fear of commitment to the wrong woman. Woman typically fall faster than men due to being hardwired for emotion, guys are not, and we are considered weak if do show emotion under most circumstances. Also, we're not mind readers, so no hints/codes please. Just tell us yo like us instead of being passive about it. Drives us nuts. We don't read romance novels, so what yo had as a teen girl for a love story, we didn't, hence different expectations. Also, most guys at some point realize that if they don't pull away, they may very well be responsible for her getting hurt and them not being able to do what is necessary when the time comes, you know make the hard decision base on reason and logic rather than emotion. Hope this answers your question.

[aintnocandle]

So do guys logically have to think if they want to be committed to a girl? Like it takes time for them to realize it? Is it better for a girl then to lay back on the emotion because guys aren’t emotional? Or be honest which would be acting as emotional as she is?

[Xitomyth]

@aintnocandle
All good and long lasting relationships take time and, more importantly, effort. Having said that, it takes time for us to commit because we need to know for sure, we are warned form early ages not to commit to anything unless we know it is worth it. Basically we need to know it's not just some fling, or just a long lasting spark of passion that'll die out in a year or two. As for realizing it, most guys know before the girl does to be honest, we just "know" she's the one, but it takes time to make sure, it's not a thing that can really be described, it's more of instinct than a impulse like passion or lust. In this day and age, if something goes wrong, the guy gets the raw end of the deal, and can even have his entire reputation and life ruined because things didn't work out. That's a big thing for us because who'll want to be with us then? Also, no one wants to have their time, effort, and money wasted on something that ultimately went nowhere. Like I said, we either suppress emotions or wait until we know for sure, just because we like a girl, doesn't mean we want a relationship. Sometimes it's just a fancy, a crush, nothing more and will subside shortly after it starts. When a girl show's emotion, she should not come on so strong so soon, do it in increments, let the dude get used to you first and work up from there. Laid back may give the wrong signal of disinterest, and too strong says the you may not have though things out and are running on impulse, which can lead to further complications down the road. It's one thing to be passionate, it's another to be desperate. If you want to be desired, then don't be easy, but don't be harsh either, balance it out by being your own person but showing interest in their life or personality.

[Xitomyth]

@aintnocandle
When you come on too early in a relationship, it shows immaturity and inexperience, you fell for a guy you barely know, and saying that you feel for him without proving it over time is huge red flag. We want a partner, not a child. Always be honest, if that means emotional, so be it, but don't expect it to go well if it is early in your relationship. Try showing your practical side first, that'll get him interested, and possibly start feeling for you. I am more attracted to a woman with self discipline and who isn't controlled by her emotions than one who is impulsive and is ruled by her emotions. We don't hate emotion, but we need to keep it in check in order to achieve our goals. If you break down every time someone leaves, or love every nice guy that comes along, does the emotion still have meaning? If you want a guy to take your emotions seriously, tell him in private and to his face, not after a date, but before or during it, and don't just tell him, show him, not with a grand gesture, but by something little he thought you weren't listening about or forgot about. The little things are what matter in a relationship, the big things you tackle together. Hope that helps, I'm not known for my descriptive prowess...

[aintnocandle]

Ok Thanks that’s helpful. In my case here, did I come on too strongly? I was seeing this guy (dating and sleeping with) and after about 2 months of seeing him once week, I told him I liked him and he felt good. And I wanted to be exclusive sexually but not in a relationship, I didn’t push for that. I told him he seemed like my type and I was into him and I’d like to see where it could go.

Was that taking the lead too much? That’s all I really said to him.

[Xitomyth]

@aintnocandle
That actually seems reasonable to me, time wise anyway. Maybe a little early, but you've been seeing each other enough to know if you want more or not out your relationship. I don't know the guy, so I can't say anything for sure, but if he pulled away it could be for one of, or a combination of, several reasons. He could just be a guy who has to take it slow, and thinks you're moving too fast. It could be that he's not happy with exclusivity, in which case I say move on. He might have misunderstood you somehow, wanting to be exclusive sexually without the relationship may have made him think yo really only think of him as a physical partner, a toy/tool for your pleasure, rather than boyfriend material. Nobody wants to be used or to be a puppet, well maybe a few but they're usually upfront about that in the beginning... He might think that you only want his body and not him. It could also be that he doesn't want to be "tied down" by one woman. Some people prefer multiple partners. Talk to him again, and ask what he thinks, could just be a misunderstanding, or he might have been shocked by your proposal and needs time to think it over. Most guys, at least in my experience, only agree to be exclusive if it's the whole package, as in it's just you two in all things and that's it. We may not be good when it comes to emotions, but we do feel deeply when it comes to relationships. It's also possible he has another woman who wants to be exclusive and he is indecisive.

[aintnocandle]

He doesn’t want to be exclusive because he’s moving away in a few months for work so he sees it as something that would end up being a mess... so yeah :/

[Xitomyth]

@aintnocandle
That... that sucks, to put it bluntly... Well, at least you know it's not you... It can be messy, or at least a bit difficult to see each other. If he is not willing to try, odds are it wouldn't have lasted anyway, sorry. Good luck in the future though, message me if you have more questions or anything.

[aintnocandle]

Yeah that’s what I’ve been saying, it just sucks. I guess I can’t help but think though if he was really interested he’d be willing to try because otherwise we’d never know? So then I feel like he just doesn’t like me enough... but I don't know, I’ve never done long distance while he has and failed so.

[Xitomyth]

@aintnocandle
Yeah, I've been there, I was willing, she wasn't. Some people need the other person to be physically present somehow. Maybe he's insecure or weak, maybe he has trust issues himself. Who knows? Maybe he was just using you to kill time, I doubt it in your specific case, but it does happen. I'm always willing to try, at least for enough time in order to find out. I used to have friend years ago, her boyfriend was off at basic training and starting telling her about a female he was training with, my friend freaked out and got paranoid that he might be losing interest in her, I had to keep her calm and walk her through the reasoning that he wasn't that kind of guy. An idiot in my opinion, but he never struck me as the cheating type. Could be your dude is like my friend, he can't handle not knowing. I'll be honest and tell you I can't really comfort you with words, but In my opinion, it's his loss. It's been my experience that it's the girl that doesn't like distance. To each their own... So what now, if I may ask?

[aintnocandle]

Aw thank you (‘: you’re so nice. Maybe he can’t, he never told me why it hadn’t worked out the other 4 times he tried. But yeah, who knows fully besides him and I am reaching a point where I will be ok with that. It has been a hard last week. It’s been one week since I ended things and I cried plenty but I’m coming to really see that I want to be with someone who would want to give it a try because they are that crazy for me, since I can get that crazy for them. I need that reciprocity. So if it isn’t him, I have to accept it. Still have slip ups with some tests and insecurity but I’ll be ok in time.

[Xitomyth]

@aintnocandle
Good to hear. Hope you find someone :)

[ImpMontezuma]

I think it depends on how exactly you show that interest. But I know something that can help answer your question. The reality is that, it is true that most men can lose their interest when they think a woman is too "easy". This has an instinctive origin. Men and women have very different sexual behaviors because they have very different reproductive strategies.

Like, women tends to choose her partner more carefully, because reproduction for her is costly and time-consuming. She also tends to choose men who are most likely to help her raise their children. That is why women have a tendency to look for kind and caring men AND to be "self-serving". The former are for obvious reasons, and the latter is because a rich man has more resources to raise his children.

As for the man, there is almost no "cost" in reproducing, so his strategy is to try to have sex with the greatest number of women possible. Also which APPEAR TO BE FERTILE. That is why most men like women with big breasts, big ass and with a hour-glass figure. Because these are signs of a woman's fertility. This is also why they are more "players".

And now the part that refer more to your question:
If the woman shows signs that she is very "promiscuous" the chances of her already being pregnant are high, then the man's interest in her decreases. Since having sex with a woman who is already pregnant is going to lead nowhere for him.
Anyway, the more it seems that the woman is sexually active with other men, the less likely the man is to have sexual interest in her.

Also remember that everything I say here is unconscious and instinctive, everyone does it without being aware of what they are doing or why they are doing it.

[devilman666]

Women will find this imppssoble to believe, but chances are that he likes you and is afraid to admit it. As men, society expects us to be strong, so we expect ourselves to be strong, which causes weakness to be one of our biggest fears. We view love as a risk, because whe you're rejected by soneone you like it hurts far more, it can even destroy a man. Divorced men are twice as likely to kill themselves when compared with single men, and men in general are 4 times more likely to kill themselves when compared with women. Meaning divorced men are 8 times more likely to kill themselves than women in the general population.

[likelyOK]

Yes we need to expel this toxic masculine that makes men feel this way

[devilman666]

Yes well, calling it toxic masculinity definitely doesn't help. It makes it seem like you just want to blame the problem on men so you can move on and you can pretend that you don't play a part in why that toxic masculinity exists. We dont have as much societal support for our emotions. Women still expect us to be manly, they expect us to protect and provide, and that means we need to be strong/tough. We have romance movies shoved in our faces that say that women want a man like Leonardo Dicaprio from titanic, a handsome, hopeful, confident, young man who will sweep her off her feet and show her a world she's never experienced before, then we have women saying they just want a sensitive man who will listen to her feelings and support her decisions. How do we know which one to listen to? The reality that we see or the reaity that people tell us really exists? We see women drool over Jack Dawson, we know what they want, hell we have pickup artists all over the place trying to sell us books on how to pick up women. Women don't want the man who cries and needs emotional support with his problems because she wants someone who will focus on and listen to her problems and then take her on a passionate and romantic date to help them move on.

[likelyOK]

I personally like a man to be strong but that is more a physical statement like I’m petite and like the idea of a man protecting me but that does not mean I don’t think a man can cry or show emotion. I admit I’m. Not so evolved I’d like to be with a man who cry’s a lot but some of the time is good. Also women don’t all want the same type of man.

[devilman666]

I 100% agree, not all women want the same thing, I'm just generalizing what the majority seem to prefer, at least what Hollywood tells me the majority seem to prefer.

So you're almost willing to date a human instead of a robot? What's next? It's okay to be afraid in certain circumstances? Maybe you'll set rules for when we can feel emotions? I've seen other women do that, saying like it's okay to cry if a close family member dies or if your wife leaves you.

What is crying a lot to you? How much human emotion are men allowed to have?

[devilman666]

Also, how can you be against toxic masculinity if you like a strong man? The two things go hand in hand, a big part of toxic masculinity is violence and being violent would make him better at protecting you. Further, if you expect him to be traditionally strong to protect you then are you a submissive and supportive woman? Would be kinda hypocritical if you expected him to be traditional when you ditched tradition long ago.

[TwinTonyz]

I wouldn't believe it's real interest.

Imagine spending a decade failing relationship after relationship till you stop altogether then out of nowhere someone finds interest in you. You're not even doing anything to attract them, you just exist and some guy tries coming at you? That's weird.

If no one wants you when you make an effort, no one with good intentions would want you when you're not trying. Playing into a woman who makes the first move is the antithesis of self-preservation.

[wysiwyg2525]

This osna creation of what women do to men. They are tired of the BS. When a guy shows interest in you you got your eyes on his friends and not him. Now that we don't show interest because we choose not to play your game anymore and we moved on, then why do we need to resort to your rules and expectations. Women don't want a guy for who he is. They want him for what he has and his friends. Until you can see what your doing wrong and change how you approach us you will be single forever. See we learned your gam and now we got smart and turned the table on you. But one thing is for sure is we won't play any games and we actually moved on. We see you as a friend yes the good ole friend zone. Thats all its going to be.

[I-C3_ME]

How do you mean "show interest"?

I don't know about all guys but most of us aren't that good at seeing signals, you could kiss and i probably would still not be sure if you'd like me

Also it pretty rare to "get attention", so it maybe overwhelming them cuz they aren't used to it. But personally I'll remember that person for a very long time (even without being attracted to them).

Lastly, they may just not feel the same. Which is also perfectly their right (same as you).
Hope this helped :)

[Novacane]

I would assume it's usually once the guy gets the girl. A lot of guys love the chase, that initial feeling of a girl making you work for it. So once they finally get the girl or when a girl shows interest back then they kind of know that they can pull the person and for some reason, women love chasing those that don't give them that much attention so a lot of guys will do that to make the girl want them more.

[Nazgol]

That's sickening though

[aintnocandle]

Do they actually do this consciously? Like they get a kick out of a woman wanting them more so they pull away on purpose?

[Novacane]

It is, sadly that’s how it works

[Novacane]

@aintnocandle It can be consciously, it’s kind of like getting the girls to desire them more since they would want their attention, hence why girls become “crazy” over someone, it’s all mind games

[Anonymous]

Many girls have two modes: 1) Standoffish ("Win me!) and 2) Full and complete commitment and merger ("Where is this going/I'm moving in/lets get married/my Biological clock"). Many girls do not have any middle ground between the two-shift from completely one side to completely the other. Commitment to them means spending all your time with their friends and family, giving her your phone codes so she can reassure herself you're not cheating, and answering the unending texts she sends hourly detailing the minutia of her day. ((((shudder)))). Maybe some time in the middle area?

[TruthBringer]

Correction: Why do the bad boys I like to chase while ignoring the genuine good guys pull away when a girl shows interest?

That's what you get when you're chasing men who got options and they know it. Today's world is filled with unfulfilled (young) men who are often invisible to girl romantically.

[snowboarder720]

If the guy likes the girl too, they’ll pull away for the girl to gain more interest in them. This goes with the saying “you always want what you can’t have”.
If the guy flat out says “I’m not interested” then he legitimately just isn’t interested but all guys do like to be chased.

[aintnocandle]

Guys do this on purpose to make a girl want them more?

[likelyOK]

This is confusing bc the guy’s opinions are different

[snowboarder720]

@aintnocandle exactly. Some guys like to show that they are uninterested for the girl to become more interested.

[snowboarder720]

@likelyOK it can be confusing but this is how guys like to play mind games.

[Floppy2112]

He's probably sick of you hounding him, you've been doing it for months. Your married and he's married. While you may be more than happy to ruin your marriage he apparently does not feel the same way. If he did, he would have already left his wife and you two would be living happily ever after. But he clearly doesn't want to either be with you nor ruin his marriage. If he did, he would have done it by now. What's it been, like 8 months?

[Nazgol]

:( :(

[Nazgol]

☹☹☹!

[likelyOK]

Wow she is married?

[Nazgol]

@likelyOK yeah & none of ur f*** business cuz we are on the verge of divorce

[likelyOK]

Yea but that’s information that changes the ENTIRE outlook

[Biancam13]

They’re just not that interested in the girl. I really believe that if we really like someone, then acting forward or interested in us isn’t going to scare them off. If they do ‘run away’ just because you showed interest, they weren’t the right person for you and it’s better that you knew now rather than later.

[Stoner710]

Well depends on what we’re doing, It’s definitely annoying when a girl tries to give you love when you’re in the middle of a game of fortnight or you’re getting attacked by bandits in Skyrim. I know many girls who pull away when there man is trying to give them hugs and affection it does go both ways

[magneto912]

Most of guys are nor being approached in their lives by women. I have never been approached. So when a woman shows interest and expresses her feelings ( especially in an upfront and vivid way ) , we have second thoughts.
'' Most women were not interested in me , some rejected me as well in a not so kind way... , why does she say all these things and do all these stuff? ''
These our thoughts and yes sometimes we pull away and ignore or it just seems that way.

[alexander3244]

I did that in fact, and the reason was that I simply had (and still have) too many problems on my shoulders. The fact is that I really like her (don't know her actually but she left a strong positive impression on me), and it sucks that I had to be "rational" about my situation. I wish I could connect with her, even if it's just a one night together :)

[Coulis]

so you just wanted a hookup basically.

[alexander3244]

@Coulis No, I didn't want to disappoint her because she was very interesting to me that I started to think that's she's the one that will make me happy and that I should get married with her. Not to mention that I was in a terrible place mentally, in a bad mood and depressed. But yes, if the choice is to never get to know her or spend one steamy night together, then I definitely would like to explore just her body than nothing at all.

[Coulis]

@alexander3244 I followed you can u pm me

[whatdoyouwantt]

Because they are 🐱 and afraid of commitment 🏃‍♂️but not just that. They’re also not interested. 🙅‍♀️ So move on from those, you’ll make yourself so much happier.

[Stephen_77]

But the vast majority of divorces are initiated by women.

[whatdoyouwantt]

Well maybe the guys are treating them wrong so they initiate it, but I’m not gonna say women are angels. Some are demons...

[Stephen_77]

Nope, there was a book written by a woman who spent years researching the reasons people divorce, and she quoted studies that revealed a large percentage of women got a divorce, not because their husbands were abusive or cheaters, but out of bordem or because they wanted the children all to themselves. You can be a great husband and there's still a good chance that your wife will divorce you. Even when I was at school it was mostly the girls that dumped the boys. I'm not saying all men are good and innocent, many of them aren't. But it does seem that women are more likely to end relationships than what men are. So it's no surprise that men are insecure. A man knows that his girlfriend, if she's at least average looking, can drop him like a hot potato and replace him very easily. That's why relationships today can be so stressful and draining. A man knows that if he doesn't keep his girlfriend "excited" she will probably end up dumping him for another guy. It's really sad.

[whatdoyouwantt]

I wouldn’t say women are more likely the cause of ending relationships. I’d say it can be either of them. Don’t say guys are nice, I haven’t met one good guy. Everyone I meet, I end up disappointed af.. so I’d say it’s both the reasons. How many guys I know that are still on dating website while being married to the women for years and having kids with them. Really a lot and I feel even more hopeless. I feel like either ur single or treated like sht by your partner. It’s very rare that they treat your right.

[Vetis]

@Stephen_77 because they get married with the intent to get kids and a divorce so they can get free money to support them, im not gonna say all women are demons but most are

[Stephen_77]

Well the irony is that it's mostly women who go for the bad men and reject the nice decent men.

[Vetis]

@Stephen_77 nice decent men = domesticated pussies

[Stephen_77]

@Vetis Nope, I'm a nice decent guy but I'm still able to kick ass when push comes to shove.

[serious]

I don't know maybe they get scared or they may think or believe that the woman won't be loyal to them either based on assumption or on past experiences.

They may think the woman will eventually move on to a better guy.

[KananJarrus]

I think that maybe it is so, cuz it's really difficult to guys, most of all youger ones approach girls, tell her their feelings, because of the fear of being rejected. Then, when one girl show something that could be understood as interest, they don't move forward, at least for a moment, cuz there have been so much rejections, or so much misunderstandings on their part, misinterpreting things, signs and etc. Or they just didn't understood it, or they don't like you. I don't know for real.

[WhiteWolf69]

Fear or they dont want anything serious just sex, they have been hurt before and are afraid to be vulnerable with another woman, guilt because they are in a committed relationship. There are tons of reason and unless you ask clarifying questions you may not get the answer if they are willing to be honest and answer

[Unit1]

I think most of the times it's because they're not interested or the feelings aren't mutual 😐
so don't be discouraged. That kind of rejection happens to most of us. It's usually not even something about you.