Why do I feel scared and intimidated by staring?

[atiquahbby]

So I once tried reading this banner from afar and this guy standing next to it mistook it for me staring at him. Anyway, I saw him a month later and noticed him staring at me. I ignored this, but later found that he wasn't just staring, he was incessantly watching me without looking away. I. e he watched as I grabbed some coffee, kept watching as I sat there drinking my coffee, continued watching without looking away as I went to the bin and still kept watching as I walked back to my seat. It felt really uncomfortable so I tried hiding behind something, hoping he'd stop, but when I stepped out a few seconds later, he was still there, waiting for me to come out of my hiding spot so that he could stare at me. The feeling of being watched just made me sick to my stomach and I couldn't stop crying when I got home.

[hahahmm]

Because instinctively you know that men are the top predator on the planet & a guy can kill you with 1-2 fingers while half trying so it's the same reason you'd feel nervous if a tiger started staring at you. I guess you're single because if you had a man you'd ask your man to help you deal with this and he'd have ideas to fix things... and not even need to use violence to do it. Or if you lived in a really big city like NYC you'd feel insulated by all the other people around to get aggressive without physical contact so you'd tell the guy to F'k off or give him the finger.

[atiquahbby]

First of all I don't mind being stared for a few seconds, this is watching someone's every move. Why don't you go and watch a man or woman continuously without looking away as they do something, then tell me if you get a restraining order or not.

[hahahmm]

You misundersatand. I did not say there's anything wrong with you feeling uncomfortable. I explained why you feel that way. And I explained how women in large cities tend to deal with it... and how you would deal with it if you had a man (or a man you trusted to protect you). Unfortunately for single women.. there's some uncomfortable things you can't call 911 about.. and if you can't handle it yourself then you need a man to handle it. Far as restraining order.. you're not going to get a restraining order just because someone looks at you. That's in a grey area. The guy hasn't made threats or assaulted or even followed you home so there's nothing legal you can do.

[atiquahbby]

Infact incessant staring of this sort (i. e more than just a few seconds) is sexual harassment and someone can get a restraining order for this. Staring to convey interest is different from staring as an act of dominance. This is the latter.

However, I don't want or need a restraining order against him. My problem is really that I thought I was much stronger than this. I have been though men whistling at me on the streets, men making sexual gestures at me and although I hated it, I never felt sick like how this made me.

But this incident was different, he was literally watching me without looking away, it felt like I was under his radar with no escape throughout the entire time I got my drink, sat there drinking it and everything. What's worse was that I hid behind something for a few seconds to avoid him,
but even when I stepped out he was still there, waiting for me to come out of my hiding spot so he could stare at me. That right there is where I felt sick and had the urge to cry. I felt belittled and it's difficult for someone to understand unless they've been through it themselves. It's like he didn't care that I felt uncomfortable, he didn't care that I was being watched, he will stare if he wanted to.

[hahahmm]

No wonder guys don't want to date women as much these days.. if you can get a restraining order because you think a guy is staring at you. See... in some cases a woman might think that a guy staring for 5 seconds is too long but she tells the judge she was stared at for 10 minutes. The judge will believe her since it's not about evidence. It's about how she feels. Anyhow, good luck.

[atiquahbby]

As I said, this isn't staring to convey interest, this is watching someone incessantly. So what exactly is the need to watch someone like this? Why can't he just come and talk after a few seconds? I would've honestly liked that.

Also, I always dress modestly and even then, I mentioned not being fazed by street harassment since whistling or making sexual gestures isn't incessant. Whereas this behaviour was a lot worse to me as he was practically following me with his eyes. Any decent citizen should know better than to constantly watch someone's every move and follow them with their eyes.

So no, it cannot be diminished to some 5 second staring, you wouldn't get a restraining order for just a 5 second stare so chill. But you would if you practically follow someone with your eyes for a whole minute.

So the question is why are you concerned more about the guy getting a restraining order than him making a girl feeling uncomfortable by practically following her with his eyes?
And this goes for if a man is being stared at by a woman too, you perhaps don't know how it feels since you haven't experienced being watched at.

I've experienced being stared at for 3-5 seconds multiple times, not once did I feel intimidated, if anything it was just a compliment. Watching someone's every move for a whole minute is not the same. Try staring at someone for 30 seconds and tell me if that is normal to you, you will undoubtedly make someone feel uncomfortable.

[hahahmm]

SO what are you going to do about it?

[atiquahbby]

Nothing, my question is clearly asking why 'I' feel intimidated and scared by this as I thought I was much stronger. In practice, I'll just avoid places I think he might attend and if he does it again I'll either confront him or make a complaint depending on the circumstsnce of when and where it is happening.

I'm confused as to why some men just want to defend the guy or say he was 'just harmlessly staring' even after I clearly stated what was going on and that this was a whole minute of him watching incessantly me. Why be so concerned about him getting a restraining order for what any decent citizen shouldn't be doing in the first place?
If he is so innocent, why is he doing it then?
Ever realise that he has the option of not watching too? So what purpose does he have in doing this despite knowing I felt uncomfortable and even hid behind something for a few seconds to avoid him? Why care about him so much when there's no concern about me feeling uncomfortable by his very unnecessary behaviour?

[hahahmm]

Guys question you because some women have go overboard. Like I gave you the example of how a woman could claim a dude stared at her for 10 minutes when it was really only 5 seconds and the guy is screwed unless he just happens to have some witnesses to back up his side of the story. Next thing you know he's on the sex offender's registry. I'll give you the benefit of a doubt that your story is true but you yourself said you didn't want to file a restraining order so my guess is you don't really think it's as big a deal as say a guy following you to all over town. I asked what are you gonna do because guys tend to want to solve problems. But yes, you did ask simply why you feel that way. We can only guess.

[atiquahbby]

Fine, let me tell you the whole story so you can better understand. This guy is actually someone I somewhat know, he's a distant friend of family. It started coz I was trying to read a banner from afar and him mistaking it for me staring at him (I was 20, he was 24 at the time).

Anyway, ever since he just began staring at me and we had this thing where we'd both stare at eachother for like 10 seconds straight whenever we saw eachother. I began to like him, and although I only saw him a couple of times a year, this whole thing continued for 3-4 years. He didn't approach me or anything, so I then tried adding him on social media, and he declined my request. After this, I decided to move on (he also stopped the whole staring thing and I thought it was over).

[atiquahbby]

Anyway, a year later, I get a text message from him (I guess it was a message he sent to multiple phone contacts at once) but I don't know where he got my phone number from or why he saved me in his phone contacts. I chose to ignore it. Later, I noticed that he began staring at me again, it was for like 10 seconds straight (I guess he wanted me to look back and continue that story we had before) but I ignored him. I was later with my niece and my hands were over her shoulder, and he came and rested his hand on mine and pretended to play with her. I ignored this too. He later peaked through the door to stare at me. This happened a few times, and that's when I decided to ask him.
I said I needed to talk and everything, but he did not reply. Not even a single reply, even though I tried asking him to talk like 5 times. So one, he should either stop staring, or just come and talk right? Nope. He sends me another text message (honestly I don't know where he got my number from or why he's doing this). So I ask him what he wanted, but he did not reply! I was so sick of this, and a few months later, he sent another text message. I I just ignored his texts, as it wasn't bothering me, and he still kept peeking through the door to stare at me, which too I ignored. All of this was just annoying, but not creepy as each time he stares it's only for like 10 seconds straight at most.

This is the day I'm descibing:
One day, I was on a parking lot, trying to drive my car to the other side of the parking bay, and he comes and blocks my car with his. I then had to reverse my car and park it somewhere else before he left me alone. I was annoyed by his behaviour and his games, but I ignored this too!
That same night, is when the whole watching thing happened. He was incessantly watching my every move for a whole minute, much longer than what he usually does, and it really really made me feel uncomfortable. I swear, none of this is an exaggeration at all.

[atiquahbby]

I genuinely liked this guy at one point, I liked him for 4 years and I really respected him. The last situation though happened recently, I'm 27 now and this started when I was 20! The reason I cut out all the details is because the thing that really bothered me was the last incident of him watching me, it was really uncomfortable to just ignore like I usually do.

If this a complete stranger, just watching me for this long just because he misunderstood a gesture of mine, I wouldn't hesitate to make a complaint or at least confront him in person (depending on the situation).

So this is the honest situation with the main details of the story. What do you make of it now?

[hahahmm]

1. You need to verbally tell the guy to stop. In no uncertain terms.
2. After that.. forget all about how you used to be in to him. It doesn't matter.. him trying to block your car in was crossing the line & is a major red flag.
3. If I'm in your shoes I'd be living like any random day he could show up and try to kidnap you. There's stuff you can do to minimize the chances of that happening like changing your routine... make sure other people know what he's been doing. File a police report.
3b. Me being an old-school guy I think the best thing is to actually be in a good relationship with a guy who tries to protect you. But then we wouldn't even be having this conversation cause he would have helped you solve this issue.
4. Stop playing with fire. If a guy just stares at you and can't bother to talk to you, after the first time just stop engaging/encouraging that which is what you did way back when all this started. Don't encourage people to do abnormal/anti-social stuff. Not saying it's your fault he's turning out to be a stalker but jus saying you could have avoided it getting to this point by ending it on day #2, probably.

[hahahmm]

And of course you're scared now because part of you know he's the type who kidnaps women or he's working up the courage to go there. Normal people don't block your car and try to keep you from leaving your parking spot. It's actually a crime called false imprisonment too.

[atiquahbby]

Hey, thanks for finally understanding me, I really appreciate it. Honestly, the car thing wasn't to kidnap me or anything, he usually does things like that and it's just to 'play' some game (which I know sounds weird coz he's 29) but it's harmless. So even though it might sounds creepy, that car thing is nothing at all in comparison to that incessant watching thing he did for a whole minute.

Now, there are 2 reasons as to why I can't actually say anything in person:
- One is because he was raised in quite an orthodox family which believes in arranged marriages (only choosing a prospective partner their parents introduce). They take their reputation seriously and a lot of my mutual friends believe him to be a gem of a person. He also hasn't done this to anyone besides me (and this too started because I initiated it) so it makes it difficult without footage to prove myself, and even if I do the question will be why I encouraged it.

[atiquahbby]

- Another reason is because inbetween this story, I had something similar with his cousin (I'll call his cousin B) (B wasn't as bad as this, but he frequently stared at me, albeit for a shorter period of time). I decided to ignore this, until a friend of mine saw B waiting for me ahead of some trail, just to stare at me as I walked past. My friend who saw this told me this was creepy, and urged me to confront B, which I did. Long story short, B rudely denied everything and moreover shifted the blame on me. This also deterred me from confronting guys who stared too.

I've been stared at by guys multiple times, I usually ignore if it's under like 5 seconds as it's harmless. So I naturally even just let this be until that last incident of incessantly watching me without taking his eyes off for a whole minute straight which took it too far. So then again, the car thing is nothing while the last incident just made me really really scared.

[atiquahbby]

Also, just a further note, please don't say girls dress to please or anything like others have said. I usually always dress modestly and was wearing a long gown to that last event.
Anyway, even from a legal perspective, I can't do anything for the car thing as I didn't mind that at all (yeah it was annoying coz whatever was going on was going on for 7 years) but I wasn't intimidated by it. I reversed my car and parked it somewhere else, and that's it.

Genuinely curious, would you blame me or say I am sensitive/weak for feeling scared or intimidated by his incessant watching from afar as I was walking, drinking coffee and walking over to the bin?

(Keep in mind, that I even tried hiding behind something for a few seconds hoping he'd stop, but he didn't and that's what made me feel sick. Yeah, I even started crying, and I'm super embarrassed to admit that I was sensitive like that)

[hahahmm]

"Genuinely curious, would you blame me or say I am sensitive/weak for feeling scared or intimidated by his incessant watching from afar as I was walking, drinking coffee and walking over to the bin?"

You are like the person who is playing with fire in their house every day... and when the house catches on fire you say, why do I feel afraid of fire? You can't do certain things in life without there being consequences. For example.. as a guy I learned long ago not to flirt with every woman just because I can since it can lead to something and It's way easier to start something than it is to end it! And guess what... a lot of people/situations aren't worth getting into.

My other thought is first you mention him blocking your car in... later you say it's not a big deal. Then why even mention it at all? People aren't going to believe you do stuff like that. And it also makes me wonder if you left out 5-10 more details that actually make the guy more innocent than what you've shared so far because your history here is not providing all the facts or providing something that makes the guy look suspect & then later pulling back and saying, never mind (basically).

As to your saying the guy is harmless -- maybe this particular guy is but I guarantee you that 99% of the people who got murdered/kidnapped by someone they knew didn't expect it to happen in advance so just a word of advice for the rest of your life... don't play with fire.

[atiquahbby]

Hey, I mentioned a lot of things like him getting my phone number and messaging me, him resting his hand ontop of mine when I was with my niece and everything which I thought was important because he started doing all of this 'after' I thought he stopped (remember how I said he stopped for a year after I tried adding him on social media and he declined my request, all of this happened after that).

Now the particular reason I mentioned the car thing was because it happened on the same night, right before the whole minute long watching thing and I was basically just trying to give you an idea of the setting.

So again the issue isn't the car thing, the issue is what happened right after that, and I was just trying to let you know what was going on, leading up to this. Anyway, the latter incident is when I realised that I had given him too much space to the point where he literally thought it was alright to watch me and make me feel uncomfortable like that.

So again, it is only that minute long incessant watching thing that creeped me out. I mean I know he mistook my gesture, but that was 7 years ago. I don't know why he still tries to continue that. I mean I don't know what he gets. He should've at least stopped when he saw me hiding behind something for a few seconds to avoid him, but nope. It's he thinks it's ok to stare as he pleases.

The real problem is I can't acknowledge to myself that I'm weak to cry over that minute long watching thing. In your honest opinion do you think I was sensitive?

[hahahmm]

Yeah you're sensitive. You're a woman so that's natural. Biologically you're going to be more sensitive than most guys. Socially even guys who are sensitive hide it because they KNOW nobody really gives a f'k so what's the point... whereas women can get mileage out of showing emotions. Mileage meaning sympathy. To the point where a woman can just pretend to be feeling something to get the response she wants from others. Not a big surprise, I know. Just saying. You're worried about whether you're too sensitive? I'm pretty sure that any woman on earth would feel weird about the situation but then again, many women know how to avoid getting into these situations which goes back to what I said about playing with fire. From a male POV what's worse than being sensitive is wallowing in self pity and not actually trying to change/improve our lives. That's why I focused on you taking action or asked you what are you gonna do about it. Yes, I know your stated view on that is you just want to talk, talk, talk. Okay. I think I've said all I can on the topic. Good luck.

[atiquahbby]

Hey I really appreciate your honesty in this and for the time you took to answer this. Although you initially misunderstood me to be exaggerating, once you did understand the truth in what I was saying, you were right with your argument. Especially the playing with fire part, I guess I was just in denial since I encouraged this for so long.
I didn't like hearing that I was sensitive, but you said it regardless and tried to be as honest as possible. Since you're much older than myself and have a lot more experience, you didn't just tell me what I wanted to hear, but more on how I should improve myself, and for that I thank you.

[boggboss]

Probobly sounds like somthing u should go therapy for

[OddBeMe]

You’re self confidence is low, even tho you strive for public attention. Good news, you’re human

[atiquahbby]

Really? Strive for public attention? Oh please, if you think I was dressing promiscuously for attention, then sorry to break it to you but I always dress modestly and that day in particular I was wearing a traditional gown for an event.

So you think incessantly watching someone, making them feel uncomfortable (just because he thought I was staring at him for a couple of seconds) is fine? And me feeling sick about it is wrong? Do you think people are born with natural immunity against creepy behaviour?

Why can't he come and talk? Why should he rudely deny staring at me then practically watch me like that again?

As I said this isn't just staring, this is practically watching someone's every move and following them with their eyes for a whole minute.
You can't get a restraining order for staring at someone for a couple of seconds, but for watching them for a whole minute, you can.

[OddBeMe]

We humans always think we’re the center of everyone’s attention. Him “incessantly staring” was prob just a glance.

[atiquahbby]

Um no, it was incessant for a whole minute. How do you even know what happened when you weren't even there? I've been stared at mutiple times for a couple of seconds and honestly I don't care, if anything, I just think of it as a compliment.

But this is practically watching someone's every move. So tell me, why are you in such a haste to defend this type of behaviour and diminish it to 'just a glance' even after I clearly described the entire thing in detail? Do you think 'just a glance' is constantly staring at someone when they get coffee, sat there drinking coffee and got up and walked away?
If you haven't done this to anyone, you wouldn't be bothered and wouldn't want to condone this, but here you're not just defending him, you're moreover trying to blame me despite me saying that I felt sick by this. You're not even thinking about how 'he' shouldn't have done this before blaming me for being too sensitive.

[OddBeMe]

Just basing it on human behavior.

[atiquahbby]

So you are just going to make assumptions without caring to read what the person actually says? Wow

[Anonymous]

You get nervous at the idea of someone desiring/lusting for you