No mam. All of those phrases are methods of control.
When a guy does something that upsets a woman, then blames her for her emotional reaction, he is merely trying to control the response and make the situation go away.
AS a brother to 4 sisters I never use "calm down", I've learned from experience to keep my mouth shut and just be the 'strong silent support'
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All a woman needs is a hug from behind and him sayin "lets talk about it."
We say it because that is what you need to do. If it irritates you it is probably because some part of you knows it is true. Women who say "oh it's a woman thing" when getting pissed off at being told to calm down are just being immature. Telling a guy to calm down pisses us off too but most of us do not get pissy over being told to calm down. Being all irritable does nothing to solve the issue. Adults learn to calm down and think rationally. Children act out when told to stop their bad behavior.
This is an issue if a mother tells her little boy to calm down if he is crying. What he learns from the examples he sees and repeats to others. When a man tells a woman who is crying “calm down” he is telling her to suppress her emotions that she expressing and using to cope with the situation. A better suggested step to take depending on the situation, is to tell her “I am here for you, I care about you and I want to do my part to support you in whatever you are going thru”. However a mans brain works differently and he will take that drawer, open it, shove the emotions in there and hide them far from anyone, open up another drawer and move on to something else and out of the blue he could be mad at something else and more irritated, but not know why because he hasn’t dealt with those other things, if he waits long enough, sometimes he will forget much of it.
I don't often see women freak out. Not sure what it would look like, but I imagine there would already be context for a more meaningful conversation.
But women around me tend to be either calm or tough as nails. I still remember the smile on a girls face when she was drawing circles in the snow with all the blood flowing from her mouth after she got hit by a flying sword by accident. Those were the days...
I only got emotional women at work and that allows me to stay calm and react only to the subject matter not to her emotions. I got a lot of compliments for that approach so it's probably fine :-D
They want to emotional chaos to end as we are trained to avoid emotional chaos and fix it. I was trained by boys in domains such as games of "smear the queer", and endless put downs... to avoid emotions... but that didn't translate to intimate relationships. So had to re-learn.
For my girlfriend or our kids, I find "im here for you", "you have a right to your feelings", "its ok" or "how'd that make you feel" works better. Deflection sometimes works, comforting can work.
I had to learn negating someone elses feelings or telling them not to feel them will back fire, it's like invalidating their sense of truth... gaslighting, which is in essence, torture... and gets worse.
But I make mistakes and screw up if I'm not thinking...
Nooo not always.. I mean fishes pissed and says your a fucking jerk. I stomp my feet and yell
I AM TOO. !!! Then she might day GO FUCK YOUR YOURSELF . I will to and she will say aww you understand me .. I stop my feet and say I DO NOT!!! She will say hi e me ahug and I STOMP MY FEET AND SAY EAT ME IM A COOKIE AND THEN RUN
No that's one thing you never do you never tell a woman to calm down she has that right to be pissed in that moment let her have that moment bite your tongue and be very patient and listen do not speak and did you built in the kitchen and she opens up this silverware drawer run run fast
So if a friend of yours is "freaking out", you just let her? You don't try to calm her down? Does "freaking out" do any good? You can't think logically "freaking out" lol, you need to calm down first. But I get what you're saying, if you're upset enough, that does nothing and like you say, and can even upset you more. But that ties right into it depends on what she's "freaking out" about. Something else that happens a lot of the time is as guys, when you have a problem or something bothering you, our natural response/reaction is to "fix it" for you, and sometimes not only is it not possible (which can be frustrating for us), but sometimes you women just need to vent and be listened to. In those situations that's what you should tell him and let him know. Or, better to "vent" to a friend instead maybe (depending on your guy and how he is)?
No if I'm telling you that you need to calm down it's because you need to calm down.
How are you gonna think about things logically and sensibly if your emotional and filled with panic how does that solve anything or help you fix the problem or the situation in a effective and efficient manner?
Trust me there are far worse ways we could go about it like just telling you to suck it up and deal with it and stop crying about it like we're told to do.
Doesn't matter what the issue is you'll be able to either think of a solution for it or get over it easier with a clear and calm head rather then a emotional one freaking out.
Oh thank goodness mine doesn't use those. So not helpful! When he is freaking out, I also don't use those. It won't help a guy either. It's okay to freak out once in a while and our partners should be the support we need and not be there to annoy us. Maybe ask how you can help the situation!
That’s a small part of it, when you’re freaking out our minds are racing, we want to do everything in our power to protect you as men and generally. And then when it comes to situations like this dude hit on me well we don’t like the dude hitting on you but we’re not going to pick a fight over it there’s a reason why I am dating you and that is probably because you are our girl just because yellow guys are jealous doesn’t mean you’re not loyal to me
u Most men operate in the problem solving mode. If you are upset, they think their role is to solve the problem and be your hero. If they don't know how to solve your problem, then they feel incompetent and they want the situation to disappear, so they say "calm down," or whatever silly phrase they utter.
Most of them don't realize that they just need to old in their arms, kiss you on the forehead, and tell you that everything will be okay.
Partly because they don't know what else to say, but also because they want to help and the first step to doing so would be to calm the person.
Men who try their best.. Those aren’t given enough slack when they do put in effort. This is one case I don’t hold it against them when they don’t understand some females behavior. Do we really understand ourselves when hormones can take over and cause us to get overly emotional? Not our fault either.
Don't you think it's a logical and appropriate thing to say?
I mean if you are freaking out and the guy next to you say negative things would that help you in that situation?
It's better to calm down first coz in panic mode we rarely do and feel anything good
@WowwGirl regardless of how irritating it is we do it to help console you. Because freaking out about things won't do anything to solve the problem so we tell them to calm down so they can think clearly about what is bothering them. And solve the problem.
s I absolutely agree with you! I hate when people tell me to "calm down". To me it doesn't matter if it's a man or woman who tells me that.
I guess they say that because they want to blame the woman. They don't want to admit that they're wrong or that they made a mistake.
To be honest I wouldn't think it's the way all guys think. Some maybe? His mind might be there, his mind might be elsewhere. Some care, some don't and some don't know what to do. You're definitely on to something here. As I've witnessed this before with others. Some men know how to show some compassion and well others don't know how or don't care enough.
IL be massageing her back and feet BABY what's wrong talk too me 🔥I smother fires out with kindness if there's a emergency I'm that dude lol but for real I have no problem chilling out a loved one I call in too work type shit if a love one needs me 😘🥰🥰
If you are freaking out... calming down is the best response. Think of it from a man's perspective, if a man does not calm down after freaking out... things escalate, cops get called, and someone may end up dead. So yeah guys like to calm stuff down and think rationally.
I would say it simply because your more than likely yelling in my ear and it’s making me mad to than we’re both mad and I don’t wanna deal with that. If i can’t even talk to you without getting mad than what can I do? Yes I tell you to calm down if your gonna just yell and scream at me without letting me get a word in
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