No mam. All of those phrases are methods of control.
When a guy does something that upsets a woman, then blames her for her emotional reaction, he is merely trying to control the response and make the situation go away.
Thank you sir @RolandCuthbert
AS a brother to 4 sisters I never use "calm down", I've learned from experience to keep my mouth shut and just be the 'strong silent support'
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All a woman needs is a hug from behind and him sayin "lets talk about it."
We say it because that is what you need to do. If it irritates you it is probably because some part of you knows it is true. Women who say "oh it's a woman thing" when getting pissed off at being told to calm down are just being immature. Telling a guy to calm down pisses us off too but most of us do not get pissy over being told to calm down. Being all irritable does nothing to solve the issue. Adults learn to calm down and think rationally. Children act out when told to stop their bad behavior.
This is an issue if a mother tells her little boy to calm down if he is crying. What he learns from the examples he sees and repeats to others. When a man tells a woman who is crying “calm down” he is telling her to suppress her emotions that she expressing and using to cope with the situation. A better suggested step to take depending on the situation, is to tell her “I am here for you, I care about you and I want to do my part to support you in whatever you are going thru”. However a mans brain works differently and he will take that drawer, open it, shove the emotions in there and hide them far from anyone, open up another drawer and move on to something else and out of the blue he could be mad at something else and more irritated, but not know why because he hasn’t dealt with those other things, if he waits long enough, sometimes he will forget much of it.
I don't often see women freak out. Not sure what it would look like, but I imagine there would already be context for a more meaningful conversation.
But women around me tend to be either calm or tough as nails. I still remember the smile on a girls face when she was drawing circles in the snow with all the blood flowing from her mouth after she got hit by a flying sword by accident. Those were the days...
I only got emotional women at work and that allows me to stay calm and react only to the subject matter not to her emotions. I got a lot of compliments for that approach so it's probably fine :-D
They want to emotional chaos to end as we are trained to avoid emotional chaos and fix it. I was trained by boys in domains such as games of "smear the queer", and endless put downs... to avoid emotions... but that didn't translate to intimate relationships. So had to re-learn.
For my girlfriend or our kids, I find "im here for you", "you have a right to your feelings", "its ok" or "how'd that make you feel" works better. Deflection sometimes works, comforting can work.
I had to learn negating someone elses feelings or telling them not to feel them will back fire, it's like invalidating their sense of truth... gaslighting, which is in essence, torture... and gets worse.
But I make mistakes and screw up if I'm not thinking...
Nooo not always.. I mean fishes pissed and says your a fucking jerk. I stomp my feet and yell
I AM TOO. !!! Then she might day GO FUCK YOUR YOURSELF . I will to and she will say aww you understand me .. I stop my feet and say I DO NOT!!! She will say hi e me ahug and I STOMP MY FEET AND SAY EAT ME IM A COOKIE AND THEN RUN
No that's one thing you never do you never tell a woman to calm down she has that right to be pissed in that moment let her have that moment bite your tongue and be very patient and listen do not speak and did you built in the kitchen and she opens up this silverware drawer run run fast
No no no no no All the Above you cannot tell a woman who is be. how to be. What to be. And how to act. 9 and three quarters out of 10 x a woman is Justified in her emotions or feelings and you have to let her expressive any which way she has to get that point out that's the whole thing they've never had to go this far but somebody wasn't listening you're going to get it this way and you have to let her have that moment. And as a man if you cannot accept that then something's wrong you can't control anybody and if she's your partner you need to listen you need to understand what she's really saying you can't deny her her feelings this is where you step into it you don't step out of it you stepped into it and take on whatever comes your way let her Express her thoughts at that moment even out of control that's what you have to do for her you have to step into that punch. Take the pain because once she gets it out of her system she's good and listen don't try to over talk whatever she staying listen be patient need loving and love her back by doing it this way
So if a friend of yours is "freaking out", you just let her? You don't try to calm her down? Does "freaking out" do any good? You can't think logically "freaking out" lol, you need to calm down first. But I get what you're saying, if you're upset enough, that does nothing and like you say, and can even upset you more. But that ties right into it depends on what she's "freaking out" about. Something else that happens a lot of the time is as guys, when you have a problem or something bothering you, our natural response/reaction is to "fix it" for you, and sometimes not only is it not possible (which can be frustrating for us), but sometimes you women just need to vent and be listened to. In those situations that's what you should tell him and let him know. Or, better to "vent" to a friend instead maybe (depending on your guy and how he is)?
No if I'm telling you that you need to calm down it's because you need to calm down.
How are you gonna think about things logically and sensibly if your emotional and filled with panic how does that solve anything or help you fix the problem or the situation in a effective and efficient manner?
Trust me there are far worse ways we could go about it like just telling you to suck it up and deal with it and stop crying about it like we're told to do.
Doesn't matter what the issue is you'll be able to either think of a solution for it or get over it easier with a clear and calm head rather then a emotional one freaking out.
Oh thank goodness mine doesn't use those. So not helpful! When he is freaking out, I also don't use those. It won't help a guy either. It's okay to freak out once in a while and our partners should be the support we need and not be there to annoy us. Maybe ask how you can help the situation!
That’s a small part of it, when you’re freaking out our minds are racing, we want to do everything in our power to protect you as men and generally. And then when it comes to situations like this dude hit on me well we don’t like the dude hitting on you but we’re not going to pick a fight over it there’s a reason why I am dating you and that is probably because you are our girl just because yellow guys are jealous doesn’t mean you’re not loyal to me
u Most men operate in the problem solving mode. If you are upset, they think their role is to solve the problem and be your hero. If they don't know how to solve your problem, then they feel incompetent and they want the situation to disappear, so they say "calm down," or whatever silly phrase they utter.
Most of them don't realize that they just need to old in their arms, kiss you on the forehead, and tell you that everything will be okay.
You got it right , I second that @Older@Wiser
Sorry that's @OlderAndWiser
I appreciate your confidence in my opinion.
You are most welcome sir
Partly because they don't know what else to say, but also because they want to help and the first step to doing so would be to calm the person.
Men who try their best.. Those aren’t given enough slack when they do put in effort. This is one case I don’t hold it against them when they don’t understand some females behavior. Do we really understand ourselves when hormones can take over and cause us to get overly emotional? Not our fault either.
Don't you think it's a logical and appropriate thing to say?
I mean if you are freaking out and the guy next to you say negative things would that help you in that situation?
It's better to calm down first coz in panic mode we rarely do and feel anything good
@WowwGirl regardless of how irritating it is we do it to help console you. Because freaking out about things won't do anything to solve the problem so we tell them to calm down so they can think clearly about what is bothering them. And solve the problem.
I absolutely agree with you! I hate when people tell me to "calm down". To me it doesn't matter if it's a man or woman who tells me that.
I guess they say that because they want to blame the woman. They don't want to admit that they're wrong or that they made a mistake.
To be honest I wouldn't think it's the way all guys think. Some maybe? His mind might be there, his mind might be elsewhere. Some care, some don't and some don't know what to do. You're definitely on to something here. As I've witnessed this before with others. Some men know how to show some compassion and well others don't know how or don't care enough.
IL be massageing her back and feet BABY what's wrong talk too me 🔥I smother fires out with kindness if there's a emergency I'm that dude lol but for real I have no problem chilling out a loved one I call in too work type shit if a love one needs me 😘🥰🥰
If you are freaking out... calming down is the best response. Think of it from a man's perspective, if a man does not calm down after freaking out... things escalate, cops get called, and someone may end up dead. So yeah guys like to calm stuff down and think rationally.
It's funny how someone STILL downvoted this
I would say it simply because your more than likely yelling in my ear and it’s making me mad to than we’re both mad and I don’t wanna deal with that. If i can’t even talk to you without getting mad than what can I do? Yes I tell you to calm down if your gonna just yell and scream at me without letting me get a word in
We say calm down because “will you shut the fu*k up” doesn’t go over well.
Yes. Because we don’t know what else to say, or at least I don’t.
You're right they don't, think about the 47yr old ohshee. He doesn't know. I didn't either, until I had a girlfriend tell me what I was doing wrong, I learned from it, sooo... ...
Well, yeah. We just just don’t understand, we control our emotions, not the other way around
Many times, "calming down" is the exact right thing to do, but you don't want to hear it at that moment. Even if a man knows EXACTLY what else to say, and/or do, you're not going to hear it if you're flying off the handle and emotionally out of control. Some times, they probably don't know what else to say.
No i do that meaning no need to over panic I'm here with you and we're going to find a solution and work things out.. And we usually do get there.. If they decide to go with my plan... I have a great third person view on things.. When I get mad at them and don't talk to the women in my family, they always come and say, please come on.. I missed you and I missed talking to you about my problems and the things I got on mind...
Nah, it's actually because we find it obnoxious when women get emotional, irrational and hysterical over completely inconsequential crap.
We know it doesn't help, but we don't intend to help.
We just want you to shut the hell up.
Its because men make decisions from logic and trying to think and be objective about a situation isn't helped by someone contributing who is having an out of control emotional response. This is the perfect time to slap a woman or otherwise physically restrain a woman to get her out of her hysterical mindset.
I don't think any time is the right time to slap a woman
@siegetiming well when your house is on fire and you have a hysterical woman screaming and about ready to run in to save a pet. You tell me its not appropriate to physically enforce logic by all means necessary. There is an appropriate time to restrain slap or otherwise physically take action upon a woman.
pull her back, yell, but not slap. There are very few times in life where you'd have to slap a woman as the only way to get her to listen to you. They're adults.
@siegetiming sure... unless they are acting hysterical and completely irrational.
When you read the responses, overly emotional, freaking out, etc, what does that tell you. If a guy cares about you, he will try to help but don't take things out on him or you start ruining your relationship. Get a grip on your emotions. No one wants drama.
I think that he's trying to comfort her...
Personally i'll ask her why she's sad or why she's crying and try to resolve the things that made her cry and at this point i'll tell her to calm down cause i'm going to fix the things that made her feel bad like that...
I don't say that. I'm not one of those that like to cheerlead. It's all about accepting the other person's shadow. We don't become happy and calm by ignoring anxiety and discomfort. I don't remember who said this but I think it was Rumi that said "the way through the pain, is the pain". Tatadada!
Good question :D
Well, if you think about it, when anyone is freaking out, "Calm Down" may be the best response. I agree that the other dangerous phrases are a little condescending
Most likely. If I am in a state of panic, if he didn’t cause it, I’m sure just saying to calm down and take a few breathers will be enough for me to relax and regroup. If he caused it, ouuuuu. He better have medical coverage.
I find that what really works well is to say "I think you're overreacting." 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I'm kidding. Actually, guys, if you value your lives, NEVER say that. 😱😱😱😱😱
"Do you know how bad that irritates us?"
Then how about you calm down and stop being so irritable?
Then stop complaining.
what? I don't have periods so I act normal all the time, unlike you.
literally you're the irritable one so you're the bitchy one
I’ve never freaked out where anyone has told me to calm down. I said it once to guy who was wound up tighter than an 8 day clock and he just got worse. After that when someone freaks out I just walk away.
You could remind them where you work and suggest a quiet place to relax. 🙊 (I blame current taste in poor humor on too much chocolate)
lol Good for you! I’m normally pretty sensitive when someone is emotional, but yelling for attention deserves to be darted.
Women freaking out over s*** that doesn't matter. Color me shocked. Lol
@spartan55 yep lol
We do and here is why. When a woman is upset she will go into several different fields of what’s going on. For example let say she has a bad day because of something going wrong at work, family matter, and dinner got burned. She’ll throw all of that at her guy at the same time and we will say calm down to get them to stop spewing and have them explain from beginning to end what’s wrong. When a man cares about a woman he’ll want to help her fix her problems but only in a orderly fashion
Probably because we care enough about her to try to calm her down and we know that they get so overly emotional over little nothings.
Men are generally more logical, whereas women are more emotionaly driven. You can't be logical if you're upset and not thinking clearly. So the first step is to calm down.
No, we just don't want to hear it and we don't like being yelled at... all the damn time... just because... Which is why we apologize in advance, but somehow it comes anyway. So calm down, chill, relax. Your problems will still be there.
I’m sure that’s true for some men. I like to hold a woman and do what I can to calm her down first. Then I will talk to her. Remind her I’m here and do what I can to make the situation better. Help her come out of this nice and strong.
I would never say "calm down." I always try to validate people's feelings, even if I don't understand them. In this situation I would simply let her talk. . . or not, if she doesn't want to. I'll follow her lead.
Damn straight I'll tell my girl to calm down.
Would you rather I explain to her (or any woman) how I think her behavior is pathetic and like that of an infant because she never learned to control her emotions?
He is saying the truth from his perspective. It's that simple.
Why because I think the one that blows up emotionally is the one that is guilty of causing the situation. Expecting the guy to anything beyond trying to contain and limit the outrage is kind of dumb. You do not want to reward that kind of behavior. Doesn't matter if the guy did something wrong or not that caused the explosion. An adult shouldn't behave like that.
@Juxtapose yeh but it worked
It's because when you're losing your shit, you're incapable of moving forward. Therefore: "try to calm down first and stop losing your shit"
It's kinda difficult to deal with anything logically and responsibly with someone freaking out and causing a scene.
What guys should say is "calm down, make me a cup of tea and we'll talk about it". Try it guys.
How about you make me a cup of tea and don't get too emotional about it
its because men are designed to fix problems so they're trying to fix it instead of just embracing the emotions... that being said women sometimes feel too many emotions and do actually need to be told to calm down
Afraid we MAY SAY---TOO MUCH!!! xxoo
Once, then when I almost lost my life I decided to change my approach.
No I say that because it kills me seeing her in that pain and I want to calm her down so she doesn't hurt herself more
Yes but also because depending on where this occurs, he is embarrassed and/or concerned that someone will misunderstand what is going on and call the cops.
It means shut up I’m trying to fix this shit and your bitchings just stressing me out.
Nope, that’s to manipulate and control you.. that’s why they say it.
Its more about how guys talk with each other. Thats something a guy would say to a guy "stop man, relax and think about it."
I never say that to a upset lady. I am not stupid. Lol. I let her get it out. And then say, you good? Lol
Mostly yes. I think anyway.. I never have to say that to my wife though.
No... sometimes it is to try and answer a question / get a word in or if the guys feels they are overreacting and are trying to provide some perspective on the issue, problem, situation
Not sure its from us not knowing what to say, but men sometimes don't want to hear the issues and try to be the peace maker all the time. Also, we may just want it to end quicker. 🤣🤣
Because we need quiet to properly assess the situation and possible resolutions.
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