I was violated by someone who was supposed to protect me and my relationship with guys/men is ruined. How do I stop fearing guys?

[Anonymous]

I’m not going to no into detail but during the saddest point in my life someone who was supposed to protect me betrayed my trust and essentially groomed me. (this man was in his mid forties while I was 15) It’s been years now (I’m 19) but I’m scared of guys my age because I fear they’ll be cruel to me or overly sexual. Sex honestly scares me and I haven’t been able to get into a relationship because of a combination of those things. I can also be overly hostile or mean (ie I tend to glare if I think I guy is talking about me or looking at me) because I just get so scared (I’m not even sure of what at this point.) How can I get over this fear? Guys, how can I identify good safe men and make male friends? Girls, if you’ve been in a similar situation please reply or comment how you got better?

[worldscolide]

My friend, the last person you want to hear from is a guy.. I am incredibly sorry for what happened to you. Honestly you need to seek help, Therapy. Talk to people you can trust. Unfortunately 4 years is not enough really to "get over it".. I dont think you can ever really get over it. not fully anyway. You can equip your self with tools to help identify bad behavior, or recognize good ones... I can't really tell you how to identify good or bad ones.. beyond one rule, its an important one. Mind what a person does, not just their words, their behaviors will betray their lies, and their true intentions.

[Asker]

Thank you so much, I’ve been looking into therapy.

[worldscolide]

If you do, just make sure its someone you can trust. I was in therapy recently for much different reasons.. it was near impossible to find a good therapist.

[sirderpsalot123]

Sorry to hear about what you went through. I'm sure some insensitive men will take offense to this, ignore them, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

It's perfectly within reason to not immediately trust strange men you don't know. Your safety is more important then our feelings. The best way to tell if someone is or isn't a good person is to talk and spend time with them. If you're afraid of men in general and can't bring yourself to get that close to men, the best advice I could give to you would be to seek professional help.

[Asker]

I guess I’m not quite scared but just I’m not likely to make friends with them and I tend to be pretty defensive. Guys don’t make an effort to talk to me because I’m been told I look kind of stand off ish. This question really started out different that what I meant. I just want to be like a normal girl my age and go on dates and have guy friends but I’m defensive and scared to approach men (though I won’t avoid them if they approach me. ) but as I said guys don’t make an effort to talk to me and I get pretty defensive if I feel they’re talking about me and if they aren’t always starting conversation (because I’m to scared to) then I kinda just let that connection fizzle out. Any advice? I probably should still look into therapy though.

[sirderpsalot123]

Do your friends have any male friends you could try to get to know better? It might help to have other people you trust around too.

[Asker]

I’ll definitely try that out. I usually just try to stand next to my friend and blend in or just walk away when the come around but it’s probably my best shot at talking to new people. Thank you

[sirderpsalot123]

You're welcome! I hope it works out for you.

[WhitneySnow]

This happened to a friend of mine. She went through a lot of counseling and joined a rape survivors support group and she also leaned on her friends a lot for support.

[Asker]

Thank you I’ll keep groups in mind💗

[WhitneySnow]

Good luck 💕

[Birdlegs]

You’re scared of guys our age because of a man in his 40’s?

[Asker]

Wow thank you for not validating the trauma I went though during they most important a stage of my teenage development. I tend to be fearful of any and all guys whether they be my age or older because this was someone close to my family since I was born. That was someone who had sworn to protect me that day I was literally birthed out of my mothers body. If someone who was trusted by myself and everyone around me for 15+ years could have viewed me as a sexual object then yeah that’s gonna make me fearful of any man despite age

[Birdlegs]

Damn I was just asking jeez😭

[Asker]

You asked and I answered. Don’t get defensive when I respond to a rude toned comment with a solid answer.

[Birdlegs]

How is that getting defensive? What was rude about my question? You’re the one who wrote a whole paragraph to a yes or no question 😭

[Asker]

That fact you can’t tell implying that the fear I experience as someone who was assaulted is irrational says enough. I’m literally asking for help to overcome trauma what makes you want to fuck with me right now. un-empathetic asshole.

[Asker]

This is my hurt even if you didn’t mean it in that way I’m allowed to be defensive about someone like this?

[Asker]

Something*