I realized the guy at work I thought was harassing me is actually really nice and is the type of man I want to marry. What now?

I was crying today after work. Wow. This is deep because for a long time i thought he hated and was bullying me. But its been a long time now and i have changed my mind somehow. I actually think he's an example of one of the best type of men a woman can have as her husband. Whoever woman gets with a man like him is so blessed oh gosh im crying now again just thinking about this. he's really amazing. I can barely type now because my eyes are full of tears so forgive any mistakes hereon out.

I tried to shut him out for so long. He has a big heart and is very sweet oh my gosh >.<

caring__1

Guru Age: 76

313 opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.

It's not uncommon for people who feel an attraction to overlook things. Maybe you saw signs in the beginning but are having difficulty seeing those same signs presently. Make some lists. Write down what you originally saw as harassing behavior and how it impacted you. Make another list of your red flags for a relationship, identifying any that he might possess. Make another list of what is drawing you to him and how that impacts you. Review the lists with a trusted friend or relative or therapist to help you have the broadest focus possible. Something did make you uncomfortable at first, so don't minimize that. It could be something that rubs you the wrong way, or it could be that it reminded you of another situation that rubbed you the wrong way. It would be helpful to explore this with someone else rather than attempt to figure it out on your own. You may overlook the discomfort while the attraction is new, but it usually comes back to haunt us when the newness wears off.

Imnocodleor

+1 y
Mind if i tell you what the bad thing he did at first was? And you can tell me if i am right in overlooking it?

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caring__1

+1 y
@Imnocodleor Sure, share the details.

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Imnocodleor

+1 y
Thanks. Well its just that I was being oversensitive and I was not used to socializing. He would say my name in a high voice everytime he would see me and I think now that he's just happy to see me cause he doesn't do that as much to anyone else). I early on inside really took offence to ehat he was doing and took even more offence when after I had him to stop, he didn't
since I have tended to be a pretty by the book person, I figure if you tell someone to stop something they have to do it or else its like hatred... But also he and our male work buddies would tease me or get on my nerves on purpose. Again i think i was just being a rigid person thinking there's only one way to be friends or communicate. Everyone's different. Just cause im super soft and gentle doesn't mean everyone elae has to be or else theyre being a horrible purposefully mean person. He also would say stuff to me that was like of a sexual nature. Not about my body or anything on a disrespectful level. But it was stuff that maybe is normal to him and his circles but me being like a fish out of water, i took offence to what was really just playful stuff on his end. It took 2 years to realize he means no harm but I am naturally a very rigid person so i take this as a growth opportunity. I grew a lot from being around him. I loosened up a lot over time.

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caring__1

+1 y
@Imnocodleor It appears he was inconsiderate of you and just focusing on what he wanted. That's not a good sign in a relationship. It's possible he has matured since first contact, or you may have decided you want to be comfortable with that behavior. My concern would be he may have a tendency to push what he wants on others. He may be more considerate while he attempts to woo you over, but it is important to learn how self-serving he has been in all areas with all people. Unless he acknowledges the inappropriateness of his early behavior, identifies the triggers that have motivated him to change and what he plans to do differently in the future, you have no idea what he has learned from this experience, so you have no idea if the pattern will return in the future, when he's not getting his needs or expectations met. It appears you've decided you want to be with him, but, if you do, keep your eyes wide open, and address concerns before they develop into patterns.

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Imnocodleor

+1 y
Thanks. I grew up kinda spoiled so I guess it could be my turn to spoil a man. I dont think I will really get everything I want in a relationship anyway.

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caring__1

+1 y
@Imnocodleor Healthy relationships are never one-sided. If both don't feel comfortable and see value in the relationship, then it isn't worth having.

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Imnocodleor

+1 y
No guy has wanted me ever so at this point I have to settle for what I can get

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caring__1

+1 y
@Imnocodleor I understand settling. It is very common. I also settled, as I wanted to be a father before I turned 40, and I wasn't meeting anyone. Other than having my son in my life, I regret that union. A great weight was lifted from my shoulders when the divorce was finalized. I am much happier alone than I was with her. I would never settle again.

Rather than just accept whatever is available, help people see you as a whole individual, not just based on how you look. Do some volunteer work, and let people see you in action.

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Imnocodleor

+1 y
What did you settle for? Usually i hear of girls settling but men getting what they want.

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caring__1

+1 y
@Imnocodleor I've always seen myself as flexible, considerate and tolerant, yet I found myself shutting down from her constant criticism, demands and yelling. If I needed unconditional love I had to reach out to my dogs. I saw the red flags going in, but I thought I could handle them. I was mistaken. She claimed from the start she wanted a career, yet she actually only wanted to be a dependent. She definitely made me gun shy.

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Imnocodleor

+1 y
Husbands should provide for their wives and family but it sounds like she was not willing to tend to the home... I feel for you, thats horrible. It reminds me of this youtuber who teaches young women how to be leaches of wealthy men. They tell themselves they deserve it and are not in the wrong at all.

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caring__1

+1 y
@Imnocodleor There is nothing wrong with any agreement made between two people. The problem occurs when people aren't open and honest and base a relationship on lies. Bait and switch is unfortunately too common. People feel they won't be accepted as they are, so they pretend to be something they're not, even though the real them eventually comes to the surface.

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Imnocodleor

+1 y
Well I am Christian and i believe that a husband has a role in marriage as does a wife. Anything else is not for me to take interest in. I havr heard that people change their minds so maybe thats what happened with her. Without knowing right from wrong its easy for people to randomly change course.

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caring__1

+1 y
@Imnocodleor People will often change course when they discover their indoctrination doesn't take them where they expected it to go. Spending your life believing what should be often leads to great disappointment when confronted with reality. There is no universal role or right and wrong. How successful a relationship is will be determined by the couple deciding and implementing what works best for them. It's not anyone's place to make that decision for others. There is no such thing as a universal right or wrong. You show me a situation where something is right, and I'll show you a situation where the same thing would be wrong. Good, bad, right and wrong are just guilt tools people use to push their agenda onto others. More effective words to use might be functional and dysfunctional. Does it take you in the direction you want to go, or does it not? I've encountered too many people who saved themselves for marriage, only to discover they are sexually incompatible with each other.

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Imnocodleor

+1 y
The Holy Bible tells all of humanity what is right and wrong very clearly. It is each persons free will to follow it or not. But that is not up for any debate.

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SueShe

Master Age: 24

1.4K opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.

What is/are the reason (s) for you to change your mind about that person?

Is there something in his behavior, his attitude towards you or his approach that made you change your mind?

Also, if you are indeed in the age group 30-35 and the man you are talking about also, then the likelihood that he is married, has a girlfriend or is in a relation is relatively high and you first step is to ensure that his is not. You don't want to pass for a homewrecker if you decide to flirt with him or take it a step higher.

How well do you know that man? It could all be show and you have fallen into a trap. Be careful about first impressions. They are not always right.

If the guy is available and not in a relation, then just be the normal yourself and joke around with him but bear in mind that your jokes should be clean and not have double meanings. This could give a totally wrong impression of you. Good luck.