Is he a likely waste of time or worth looking into?

[DermalPunch]

I'm on the the heels of a horrible break up from a relationship I never really wanted to be in anyway.

I'm sore but well on the mend.

This whole thing has been going on for about 6 months.

Long story short, on my street is a really popular and vibrant restaurant. There are a ton of wait staff there, all male.

There are a couple that would kind of scope me out but I felt it was curiosity since I am fairly mysterious.

One server in particular has pathetically, IMHO, tried to get my attention when I would pass by by clearing his throat.

Once he decided to stare and not look away.

I don't jump to these silent cat calls.

He's tried to smile at me and stuff but I've been stoic because he is a smoker and I am judging him. I'll be honest.

Fast forward, I have started getting takeout there from time to time. When I walk in, some of the kitchen staff will look at him when I come in.

I purposely look away and I see him in my peripheral vision staring at me.

When I was waiting for my order, all he could do was stand really close to me when he was ringing in his table and I was ordering take out.

I caught him once staring, he looked away so fast and swallowed so hard. He was so embarrassed.

Th other evening a friend of mine treated me and we ate there.

We were seated at the back. He kept coming to the back sneaking looks at us. He works the patio.

My friend ordered some takout and we were waiting for it on the patio. He came to take our order and went straight up to me. My friend then explained we were just waiting for take out. He smiled and left.

Then he stood at the top of the stairs so he could totally see and hear us but he was pretend not watching.

We both pretend to ignore each other, actually.

I am just still reeling from all the recent emotional abuse and I feel this push-pull behaviour is a sign he is another immature, undercover narc looking for attention from someone he views as vulnerable.

Poll below!

He's toying with you. Do not engage.

He is shy.

He has a girlfriend and is ashamed.

Updates

1 y

For all of the shy voters, he did such a bitch move today and was absolutely toying with me. There is an older co worker of his who says hello to me and he was giving him THE dirtiest looks. I think he has been talking bad about me while he doesn't even KNOW me.

[HollyK21]

Maybe pursuing a new guy isn’t the best choice until you’ve taken more time to heal, since you are still reeling from the situation. I also think it’s good to have a firm idea of your standards, boundaries, and what you want from your next man. When you think about those things, does this guy align with what you’d want in a partner going forward? To me this is most important.

[DermalPunch]

Well, I will never pursue a man. From what I have seen he isn't at all aligned with what's important to me.

So I will keep ignoring him to avoid getting hurt again.

[HollyK21]

I agree, that’s the best course of action in this case.

[Flower7]

I don’t see anything wrong or any red flags with the guy. Of course he wouldn’t want to seem TOO obvious when he’s checking you out, so he tries to pretend that he’s not looking. I don’t consider that to be playing games. It might be a good idea to go out with him as long as you’re attracted to him and if the smoking wouldn’t be too big of an issue.

[DermalPunch]

He has never spoken to me and will ignore me on other days. It is more common than is talked about but men like to test their attractiveness by doing this with women they have NO interest in.

Sadly, if the poor sap of a woman thinks he is shy, she is usually setting herself up to get used out of convenience since men don't turn down sex but absolutely run from relationships.

[SnowedIn]

Maybe this isn't push/pull -- maybe this is him not wanting to be the guy that approaches the girl who then gets pissed that she was approached. Not saying you're that girl, just that that happens. He also may be like, "am I reading this right"? So, worth looking in to.

[DermalPunch]

Why do you think the kitchen staff looks at him when I walk-in? In my experience shy men don't exist when there is genuine interest.

[SnowedIn]

Unless it's the customer/staff thing. Totally guessing here but he's probably told the kitchen staff how hot he thinks you are, crush, etc. Also, I think there's a difference between shy and reluctant to approach.

[DermalPunch]

I think he is just using me for attention. Sadly, I'm a target for this type of nonsense.

[DermalPunch]

Or worse, there is some sort of bet going on. I've had that happen to me too before.

[SnowedIn]

Sure, that is a possibility. BUT... isn't it worth asking?

[DermalPunch]

No. It isn't. Not at all.

[SnowedIn]

Legit. I respect that.

[ShiftingMonke]

I'm not going to say that he is toying with you, but I do agree that it's best to not engage with him. Just ignore his attention seeking behavior.

[DermalPunch]

Yes, I think it's the best course of action.

[Stevefiveo]

He's a smoker which you don't like and he's a waiter. You can do better.

[DermalPunch]

The smoker part yes but the waiter part isn't fair.

There is a family I know. One of the son's is a waiter and he is one of the most hardworking and loyal family men ever.

They just sold a house they bought for under 300K in the 90s for 1.2 million. Bought their twin adult daughters a townhouse who will mortgage it from them and bought a house in the English seaside. They will spend part of the year in both Canada and England.

I don't care what legal and moral job a man does. If he does it well with passion and excellence it speaks to his character.

I'll take an excellent waiter over a lousy chairman of the board anyway.

But yes, he isn't for me from what I see and I think he is looking for a hookup.

[Stevefiveo]

Oh ok. Most girls want a guy that has a high paying job. So waiters are on the table for you then. Good luck.

[Alex8736]

TBH you need time and space at the moment vs jumping into a rebound

[DermalPunch]

Yeah. It's true.

[NathanDavis]

" I never really wanted to be in in anyway "

no need for more than that... it is not worth, lol

[DermalPunch]

Huh? I don't get what you mean.

[msc545]

He seems just shy and awkward based on your description. Why not make it easier for him and at least initiate a conversation with him?

[DermalPunch]

Well, given your background and past advice I may. He has tried and he doesn't seem to talk much in general. I can see him in the neighborhood from my one-way windows.

But over here, this attention-seeking cat and mouse for ego validation is extremely common.

Don't want to get trapped. Again.

[msc545]

I don't think the behavior is attention-seeking. It seems more like approach-avoidance which is consistent with some social anxiety and simultaneous attraction.

[DermalPunch]

True. I. e. insecure who starts to abuse when they feel vulnerable. Hard pass.

[msc545]

no, you have misunderstood. He is not abusive.

[DermalPunch]

Oh I was SO right. He was staring me down as usual, in my eyes. Said hello and he wanted to act like it was the most idiotic thing anyone has and could ever do! Instincts were on point.

[DermalPunch]

absolutely an abuser!

[Juxtapose]

Man, a guy can't even be shy anymore without having some hidden motive attributed to it.

[DermalPunch]

Some guys play the shy card as a cat and mouse game for attention. I don't want to get played. It's happened to me a lot. The harder you hold out the more they want to make you like them. And not to know you just to feel validated.

[DermalPunch]

Oh and another big one is that they are already married or in a "committed" relationship but they want the girl to make the move so they can say she chased me. It's a common trick.

[DermalPunch]

Sorry to spam you. Another thing is that he knows I am a single mom with kids and the sad reality is that most men see a single mom (I left an abuser) as someone to use and discard. It's really really discouraging.

[Juxtapose]

You're making a whole lot of assumptions and extrapolating all kinds of negative possibilities when you know very little. That would be very frustrating for me to deal with in the guy's shoes.

[DermalPunch]

Well he hasn't dealt with it and the things I mentioned have all happened to me from men who had this pattern of behaviour.

[DermalPunch]

He wasn't shy. He is an asshole who jist wanted to see if he could get my attention. Shy is BS.

[Juxtapose]

I guess I don't exist then 🤷‍♂️

[DermalPunch]

Well you do. It's just a dumb ego game people play over here.