My boyfriend asked me if I'm cheating on him? What makes a guy ask a question like that?

Question

Okay so me and my boyfriend are in a long distance relationship. We live in two different countries. The last time he visited me was in June, last year. So we were having a video call and he asked "Are you cheating on me?" out of nowhere. I haven't had sex for 9 months with anyone ever since having sex with him last year. I mostly stay at home and rarely go outside. He knows that but did he ask me so because he's suspicious about me? Is it a red flag? More than a year ago, I found out from his internet search history that he had been looking up escorts online in the area he was working. But I didn't even bring up that issue thinking it would ruin our relationship. So I acted like I didn't know about him looking up escorts online. He was also the guy that I lost my virginity to and he was my first kiss too. I originally wanted to wait until marriage to have sex but he promised to marry me so I allowed him to take my virginity.

MarkHrdman · Accepted Answer

Holy shit. What the fuck is wrong with you?

You should be dragging this guys sorry ass back to your country. With a collar and chain and have a paddle to bash the shit out of his ass if he thinks he will ever get away with looking at another woman again 😆

He is obviously a bastard to be putting you in an abusive relationship by making accusations about you and yet knowing your every move for him to be free to fuck any escort he chooses and yet call it a relationship to be obligated to be with you.

Lets just take a step back. You where a virgin. you're no longer a virgin. Thanks to this guy, youve finally fucked someone but for you to have so much value over your virginity to say that its only for marriage and be sitting around getting fat, wondering why doesn't he love you & crying with icecream in front of the tv.

It makes me wonder how did use last this long with being together in a long distance relationship but of course at this point, you have no intention of making any accusation to him.

I mean is he the only person in the world or has he made a proposal to you to get married and come up with a plan. The question is, if you have even asked him if he has thought about moving in with you to start a family together and coming over now, to leave his life behind to start a new life, not only with you but to introduce life into this world and to question just what you're prepared to do to build on his loss from what his left behind to build on a future together...

because after all you did youse the word marriage and said that you choose him or allowed him because he promised to marry you.

Where is the ring?

9 months is more then reasonable enough of an engagement to set plans for getting married.

Just how much can you push before he backs off and runs away or mans up to his responsibility to commit to you.

You need to go and get your man & stop fucking around with the possible question of escorts because really you're using it as a loop hole for a way out.

You didn't do it then & you haven't done it now & nothings going to change that unless you change the circumstances you're in with you're man.

Go & do it. Send me an invite to your wedding!

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

It’s because he is cheating on you , he is trying to project his own insecurities onto you so he can play a victim without pointing fingers at himself for being a POS , The problem with long distance relationships is most people assume the worst case scenario , why long distance relationships have a hard time surviving because of the space between you both , your relationship is based off of thought , meaning you are just thinking of that person and hoping they are missing
You like you are missing them , when really that person is just living their life , yes they might be missing you as well but they are also thinking what are you really up to , there is no way she is staying faithful to me and vice versa , building insecurities inside yourself of assuming the worst case scenario , I am dating a girl now that is long distance from me and we both agreed just to be FWB’s to not rush into anything , we both really like each other but we know the distance between us can cause unwanted drama and insecurities because of the space , so instead of each other worried about what we are doing without each other , we agreed to take it slow and see what happens , if we are meant to be we are meant to be is how I look at it , if not , hey we tried and we had a fun experience together , We both agreed if we meet someone else that we will end it and just remain friends with no harsh feelings, Long distance is hard because you can’t expect someone just to pack up their things , and quit their jobs to come move in with you , so for it to possibly work you both have to be on the same page as things or you will be left crushed and heartbroken when it doesn’t

quaranta · Accepted Answer

I replied already through the comments of another reply, but said that, ask yourself: what are your deal breakers? Where is the line of your self-respect?
So far you allowed: him to take your virginity with no real perspective of incoming marriage; him cheating on you with escorts (looking for escorts in his area is not like watching porn); him self-justifying any cheating he could do but implying you are an inferior human being who cannot do that, which also means the basics for respect are not there.
So if you endured cheating, humiliation and sexism, lack of commitment and now accusations of cheating yourself... What are your dealbreakers? What's left to be abused of? Physical violence maybe? STDs? Financial abuse?
And you are lowering all your standards because afraid of "ruining" the relationship (while HE decided consciously to ruin it in the first place)? Are you afraid of losing a person like that, a relationship that is not based on trust and care by any means? And considering how men can be much better all around you, you really want to get trapped in a marriage with a person like this? You are in a LDR and got concrete elements to leave on time, these 2 things are blessed opportunities. You are not even living together and you can leave him any time.
Don't be afraid of a breakup, trust very hard that after some months of suffering, if you resist and let the time do its course, you will look back and think:"How could I even suffer, cry and get desperate, when we broke up?", open to a new chapter of your life.
And not nailing your ideal partner before losing your virginity is not "bad", it's just obvious since having no relationship and sexual experiences doesn't allow you to know yourself and to know which traits are abusive and early signals that should make you stay away from a guy. So it's pure luck, gamble, the first time. Now you learnt these things, which means your next guy will be more selected and you will know better how to spot early toxic signs. Also, you'll have endured a breakup which means you will be less scared of that in the future, and that will make you compromise less.

meetkitty123 · Accepted Answer

A) He is cheating on you

B) He is insecure and you are out of his league

C) My personal opinion: You made a mistake loosing your virginity to him. He most likely will not marry you. Its just something they say to end up in your bed. Third Im guessing he is older than you.

I'm speaking from experience and the fact he does not trust you shows he isn't going to be a good man for you. It only going to get worst.

This will be painful to read but the truth is he is already grooming you and starting to abuse you by his accusations.

coachTanthony · Answer

Soon as I read long distance I knew right away this is a bad idea. He is either cheating on you and feels guilty so to disguise his guilt he throws the question to you or he is super insecure as most are during a long distance relationship. So Get out NOW>

entrepreneur_ghosh · Answer

Let me explain you

There are a few possibilities.

First

As you mentioned in the description that you have seen his search history about escorting girls near his location, it's clear that he has intentions to do that. Nobody will ever do anything without a purpose. So it's clear evidence that you've got to watch him and make sure. I won't say that he could have done that, but there's a possibility that he will do it in the future. And that's giving him the feeling that his girlfriend is also just like him, which is why he asked you if you were cheating on him.

Second

Maybe he already had sex with someone, and the regret is what drove him to ask you these questions. I know your innocence, and I know you are protecting him, but you've got to accept that this relationship is totally unhealthy from my point of view. As doubting each other can kill any healthy relationship,

My suggestion.

You've got to make sure what's happening in his daily life will indicate if he's losing interest in you. And you can clearly find it out by his basic nature or a basic comparison between how he was at the beginning of the relationship and how he is now (e. g., if he puts in the same efforts to call you or if he asks about your health like before). Find it out without creating doubts in his mind, and if he did cheat, then it's up to you to decide. Anyway, just don't stress out and just don't panic; you've got this strong girl, and happy women's day to you. Whatever happens, you've got to accept it, move on, and be strong.

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Anonymous · Answer

I can see almost only very emotional reactions in the comment and I don't personally find them helpful. Being asked of something bad you haven't done leads to a feeling of being falsely accused and it's painful. You feel that he doesn't trust you while he should. I would say that you could try to understand the psyche of a man and how male jealousy is relationships tend to be frowned upon in society. Men tend to think (and it has been conditioned by society as well) that women cheat emotionally and men physically. Perhaps he thinks that you feel an emotional void since you two are apart and therefore he is worried that you might be cheating. From his perspective, influenced socially and biologically, looking up escorts only doesn't count as cheating and it's not emotional (I disagree because men tend to get emotional fulfillment through sex and he probably is not fulfilled physically and emotionally since you have a ldr). The fact that you lost your virginity with him might make him believe that you want to experiment more in your life than only one relationship. Keep in mind that long distance relationships require more work than short distance ones and people tend to become suspicious if you are not close to them physically almost every day. Try to think of ways to reassure him, because I do not think that trust is unconditional. Try to find ways of conveying a sense of trust to him. If it doesn't work, you two might not be compatible. There are less toxic people than toxic connections between people who are not necessarily toxic themselves.

LickwidSkie · Answer

Often times when people are worried that you're cheating, it's because they're cheating and projecting their guilt and insecurity onto you. Considering he was looking up escorts, I think you should consider breaking up with him and get tested. From what I've read the percentage of people who contract STDs from prostitutes is small because they typically insist on using protection, but if he's doing that you don't know what else he's doing.

I'm not trying to scare you, but it's reality. I've been in situations where I needed to get tested before too and I know it can be scary, but you need to know so you can have peace of mind if you didn't catch anything, get treatment if you did catch anything, and it's wrong to get invloved with anybody else if you don't know for certain. Don't let it worry you to death though before getting any results because there were a couple of girls who cheated on me and I never caught anything.

Anonymous · Answer

Insecurity.

Projection.

Suspicion.

Evidence.

An insecure guy will ask for no reason.

A cheater will assume its impossible to be monogamous and accuse so he can justify his own shitty behaviour.

Suspicion is for a good guy who has reason to suspect you. A good guy will just ask, no bull shit, no spying on your phone, no going to your friends.

Evidence is for a hurt guy or a guy who is a prick. He's got the evidence already. He knows you cheated. He just wants to see if you'll lie or dig yourself deeper or have a moment of honesty.

SnowedIn · Answer

First, please please please end this "relationship" (which it's not). It's long distance and not even the same country. That's intercontinental friends with benefits except you haven't really gotten any benefits.

Second, exactly what @Finchie40 said. That's the answer. He's asking so that he can distract attention from his own bad behavior.

End it and find a real flesh and blood human in your town that you can see once in a while.

EmyyWolf · Answer

Lol screw that.

Usually men know that women are more emotional and more faithful. If a man ever asks you this it’s because he’s wanting to cheat on you. Lol

Ate you this dumb? Have you never dated before? Don’t do long distance. Who cares if he was your first. Nobody stays with their first. Stop living in a Disney Farytale.

Grow up a little bit 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Lliam · Answer

You must have no motivation in life at all if you sit around being loyal to some guy you correspond with on-line who lives on another continent. You imagine that an avatar is your "boyfriend"?

You are wasting your life on a fantasy. Your letting life pass you by. Why? Do you have zero self esteem?
What else could be stopping you from going out, having fun, and meeting someone real?

I can't wrap my mind around it.

Adaeva · Answer

Why wouldn't he ask? You have proven that you are willing have sex and he knows that there are more attractive guys. Therefore, when he is not around, he knows that likely you will talk to and then have sex with a hot guy. In any event, whether you have sex or don't have sex, tell him "No." What he doesn't know will not harm him.

ManOnFire · Answer

Oof. Rough situation. Everything you need to know is in the details of him looking up escorts, while you two have still been together. And he has the nerve to ask if you're cheating? Nah I think he's probably the one doing things behind your back, and is paranoid that you are too.

Do you think you would want to continue a relationship with him?

Capricornunicorn92 · Answer

It is highly suspicious that he would ask you that out of the blue. It indicates that he may be the one actually doing the cheating which is usually the case. And since you said you found him looking up escorts in his search history even though it was more than a year ago, that still raises a big red flag to me that he is indeed cheating on you.

Straight2thepoint · Answer

Ok... What's with this long distance bs? People that do this moronic joke of a game of so called long distant relationships are technically loons. And before you claim that theirs relationships that work out in long distance. Then so does polygamy. Then a child that is an orphan or foster has a good relationship with his or her birth parents.

A true honesty relationship is a physical one. Just like your shoes, your clothes, your breath, your sight, your parents (if you have them). Your life over all. Nothing you do physically is long distance. Because it doesn't funtion right. When you add distance to anything in life. It's because either you don't want part of it, dislike, or it's just irrelevant.

But if you want to belive in a fantasy, a make believe, an illusion. Then go for it.

BearDed08 · Answer

Well.. in this case I’d say it’s time. Time as in to move on from this dude. He isn’t helping you if you’re being the one to blame and neither is it a healthy relationship. But I don’t know your relationship. The whole long distance thing does nothing for many I suppose. Just be yourself and the right person will come along ;)

Marked_Man · Answer

So long distance relationships don't work. He's probably with escorts while you're waiting for him to marry you which probably isn't going to happen. How could you believe a guy you don't really know?

Surely · Answer

I find it so honorable that you are being faithful and waiting on this guy. How long will this living so far apart last? Is marriage and becoming a family in the near future? But as some of the others have said. He might be hoping for you to be unfaithful, so he won’t feel guilty doing the same.
You need to do some soul searching on this relationship.

molonski2 · Answer

You are in different countries , he is a little insecure , did he know you were a virgin previously? These relationships are difficult but certainly can also be rewarding , I dont know about the escorts , I wonder if he went though with it..

OfMiceandMen · Answer

You had me at long distance relationship. 9 times out of 10 people cheat on other people in long distance relationships. It is bound to happen as they meet new in interesting people where the live.

boggboss · Answer

So let me get this right he has asked u if you cheated and u have caught him looking at somthing that would let him cheat and your wondering if this is a red flag

Anemone978 · Answer

It seems like he could be cheating on you... people who cheat tend to project it on to their spouse. Do not stay with him if you don't feel right about him, always trust your gut.

Dragonstarterplus · Answer

Uhm you guys are living in different countries and you see he was looking up hookers in his area, and he randomly accused you of cheating? 95% probability this guy is cheating on you

My boyfriend asked me if I'm cheating on him? What makes a guy ask a question like that?

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