I blocked this guy and I think it was the right thing to do. But is it possible I WAS being materialistic and not understanding of his situation?

[Anonymous]

The guy I was dating said he was having a hard time because he lost one of his jobs, had kids that needed all his money, and had a lot going on. I told him I would give him space and we could just be friends because he had yet to take me on a date in months, hadn’t gotten me anything for Valentine’s Day, and seemed to have no available date that he would be able to do anything. He seemed to understand and accept what I was saying for a minute until I was firm that we wouldn’t have sex or even kiss. He started to tell me I was being too serious about things. I told him I don’t want to continue with no real commitment or even dates or gifts. Unlike majority of the men I had ever dated who offered me expensive or just simply thoughtful gifts, dates, or even trips-he was not doing enough. I liked him because of a friendship we had for years before we even tried dating but I learned how big of a mistake that was. Anyway, as we talked somehow the conversation steered to WHY I was friendzoning him. I just told him that i was tired of seeing my sisters and friends recieve flowers and gifts (knowing that’s what I was used to before dating him) while I knew that he wasn’t doing that for me. He called me materialistic but I said that if that were true I wouldn’t have spent $200 on his birthday gifts after he had failed to get me a single thing for Valentine’s Day, I wouldn’t offer him money for emergency expenses and I would have chosen a man who was already doing all of that stuff. I liked him but the lack of effort was just too much. I know $400 isn’t an outrageous amount but I counted and that’s how much I spent in total on him since we started dating. He on the other hand hasn’t spent more than $40 total on the dates we went on. I don’t like how he doesn’t make me feel special. Things escalated when I accused him of not even trying and he told me to “get the fuck out my car.”

Updates

+1 y

Also I never would have told him how much I spent on his gifts and until this conversation he had no clue to how much it costed. But I was simply trying to get him to understand that I don’t mind spending money for special occasions or trying to get him special things. I like to give just as much as I enjoying receiving and it’s not about money. It’s about effort

Updates

+1 y

One more update but he could have planned something free and I would be just as happy. A date is all I wanted. It didn’t matter the cost. I had even offered to pay for the date before we had this conversation and offered him money to try to help him get out of the situation because my end goal was to go on the date. But he wouldn’t accept my money. But in the end we still weren’t doing anything more than sitting in the house late at night doing nighttime activities.

[RespectfulGuy]

To a person who has 4000, 400 is 10%, considered small amount.

But to one who has 800, 400 is 50%, literally money for food and rent.

No, no, I'm not justifying him not getting you anything on special occasions.

While I considered myself a "less attentive" person, I always remember birthdays and valentines and I save up to buy (cheap) pearls and ear rings for my SO.

My point is, 400 is not a lot of money to be called "materialistic". In fact, 400 is so little it can't even pay for a Getaway to some nice beach resort for a weekend.

I would say, you could be "too sensitive" because he may have a reason for not buying anything. Yet he does not spend enough time thinking what to do on festive and special moments.

Maybe it's a matter of communication. Maybe it's a matter of compatibility like what another wrote. And maybe you like to ask him how your 400 be spent so that he feels loved. And maybe you should let him know, you're deeply hurt.

No, not materialistic. It's not even enough to fly to Europe or Asia.

But it's the thoughts. Outside bedtime, do you think of each other? I think you do, but does he? You find out.

[ohsheeT]

I hope the moment that he gets out of your car you never looks back you are the type of person that he does not need in his life it's all about you and that's pretty sad good luck I'm sure you'll find somebody for a while anyway

[kylee2437]

Nope, your points are valid. He isn’t able to give you the relationship you want and deserve and you aren’t obligated to get dragged through the mud of his problems to get to that love especially when he seems like a rather unstable adult. He has kids and doesn’t have a job in front of him (even if it isn’t his fault, it still doesn’t look good). You will always come second to his kids (as you should) but even then it’s going to take you a long time to get the love from him you deserve (if he ever gives it to you at all as you would be settling for an incomplete version of him). Also the fact that he thinks you are just going to act the same as you were when you two were together sounds problematic and sounds like he really didn’t want anything serious to begin with (probably thought you would accept less than bare minimum behavior) . You did yourself a favor by blocking him.

[ImalwaysrightOK]

Sounds like you and him were not compatible anyway. He's got so much other stuff going on and didn't want any relationship stuff and your love language sounds like gift giving. He didn't feel the same.