My friend is jealous of other guy friends and is ruining friendships I have with them?

[Tephra]

Long story short. Yes I know this guy has a crush on me, he admitted it and I politely declined his invitation to start dating as I only saw him as a friend. I gave him the option to still continue being friends or leaving the friendship as casual friends/acquaintances. He still wanted to remain friends, but he took time out to get his feelings together.

I have other guy friends who he knows mutually, but not well. They sometimes also invite him to play games with me and them but he declines saying "we (as in me) are playing X" and I sense its him trying to "gatekeep" me from them or getting a bit insecure. He also talks shit about them too saying "they are bad" and so apparently everyone is bad!

Those friends think we are dating, and the friend enjoys that, but I do not because it is completely false. He has really become a thorn in my side for a lot of my friends or people I know who I do hobbies with. I have asked him to stop referring to us as "we" as it makes us seem like a couple and he gets upset from it. He seems like he is trying to claim like I am his because he was friends with me first type shit.

I am honestly over it now, he is a nice guy don't get me wrong, I have tried setting him up with other girls I know but he gravitates back to me. I have tried minimising contact from him as well to texting twice a week for an hour but nothing has changed.

He is a hopeless romantic and is very attached to me.

[DaveJord]

So honestly, I do not want to get in a long drawn-out debate. But here is an article that you need to read, and then do some honest self-reflection on this and ask yourself if you can see why he is concerned and if this applies to you.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201912/when-are-opposite-sex-friends-threat-your-relationship#:~:text=Don%27t%20engage%20in%20flirtatious,is%20akin%20to%20emotional%20abuse.

When your partner expresses a concern about your behavior or that of your freinds, when it comes to opposite sex friendships, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to assume that it is driven by jealous, or his desire to control you.

Real committed relationships take a lot of emotional effort, intelligence and maturity. Often, as in more often than not, their concern is reflective of their level of emotional intelligence in understanding that trust is essential element of maintaining a strong emotional bond... and if they feel your patterns of behavior is injecting miss trust into the relationship then you need to consider their point veiw.

I can sit home and never go out and never meet woman, but then say I am not interested in woman. This would be easy to believe because I never go out or talk to woman.

But if I am going out with women all the time and hanging out with women, but then want to say I am not infested in woman... you would not believe me, right?

If my behaviors do not reflect my words, then how can you believe what I am saying.

[Tephra]

I do not have any romantic relationship with anyone. Back read the question again.

[DaveJord]

I will be honest with you if expressed his desire to be more than friends and you let him down... if you really cared about him as a freind you would sperate yourself for this situation.

There is something wrong with this to me. He wants to date you and you don't, but you still want to be his freind. Why?

[JamesMI616]

It sounds like you're a really good friend, but you need space. He's clearly not capable of being platonic. With that said he's probably not wrong about those guys. We're not all bad but even the best of us are just ok. Definitely distance yourself from him and maybe date outside of your circle thus keeping your private life private.

[Tephra]

He seems to find other ways to get into my other circles! I am not a greedy or selfish person by gatekeeping those friends from him but man, I just want privacy with the relationships I have!

[JamesMI616]

That's not too much to ask. It might be out of your comfort zone but you deserve to have a private love life and an identity outside of your friends. You already know you don't need anyone's approval. All you need is space. Make the first move on a stranger if you have to. Just do you and set boundaries and anyone who loves you and is your real friend will respect that.

[anon1903]

He's a nice guy.

Tell him nicely to back the fuck off.

Geez. Shouldn't have given him the friends option. He probably vents about you too on the internet, but in a why women don't like nice guys? urk or why my girl has so many "male best friends" like i don't get it.

I have some guy friends. If they're jealous of each other, they know that's their problem. Lmao.

It's total BS when guys say men and women can't be friends. They mean they don't have a girl friend they haven't nailed, and are trying to cover up that pathetic attitude in forms of facts.

[Billlewis]

Unfortunately, it's guys exactly like this who give nice guys a bad name. There's nothing wrong with having a non sexual relationship with a woman who is dating and fucking other guys regularly, but if a guy can't accept that he's never going to fuck her, that's when all the problems start.
So many people have said that nice guys are just trying to get sympathy so they can have sex with a woman who doesn't think they're attractive to begin with, but that's very often not the case.
If he knew anything about how a non sexual relationship works, he'd recognize that her intimate sexual interaction with her male lovers is of the utmost importance, if his relationship with her is to succeed. I hope this isn't too kinky, but I think it's incredibly exciting when I'm close friends with a beautiful woman who enjoys my attention and/or generousity, and the fact that I can't fuck her only makes her that much more attractive to me. And I'm not suggesting that you're having sex with any of your guy friends, only that he's probably worried about that, which is pointless, since his chances of getting any pussy are, I assume, zero.

[anon1903]

Precisely.

[Billlewis]

And what's so unfortunate about this situation is that if this guy were more secure, ego wise, they could have a very fulfilling relationship, as a 'platonic deluxe' scenario. Do you know how many guys would give almost anything to be in the position that this guy is in? That's all I'll say for now, because I don't want to 'hijack' this wonderful young lady's discussion.

[anon1903]

You're absolutely right. And insightful.

[anon1903]

Thanks for sharing this. I'm actually thankful to you you had something to add.

[Billlewis]

You're quite welcome, ma'am. I think there are a couple of prerequisites that a guy must have to be a candidate for this kind of arrangement.
- first and foremost, he must be able to handle the frustration of knowing she's having sex with the other guy, and that on some level, his frustration is almost certainly a favorable element within the relationship between himself and his 'platonic deluxe' female acquaintance. Indeed, once she's confident that she can gently tease him a little, she may gradually incorporate the prick teasing on a broader basis, which is an unheralded way to effectively supercharge the intimacy she enjoys with her lover...

[anon1903]

She probably doesn't see him that way. Hahaha.

[anon1903]

He can either become a good friend or... No there's no second option, other than letting her go.

[Billlewis]

Perhaps he's seeing someone else in a sexual relationship, or, if he's like me, he may just enjoy being teased and frustrated by a beautiful woman. Regardless, an opportunity to cultivate a relationship with a woman that sort of overlaps a couple of different categories is a rare chance to experience real spiritual growth and fulfillment, in my opinion. Alright, I'll shut up now:)

[anon1903]

He's just a regular dude frustrated that his crush is getting action, just not with him.

[anon1903]

I can write a book on this. Very interesting.

[Billlewis]

Yes, ma'am, but what I think a lot of women have a hard time relating to is that frustration, even extreme frustration, is potentially a very powerful and valuable asset for even an ordinary platonic friendship. I know that probably sounds strange, but it's true.

[anon1903]

I'd have used him. Unless he got annoyingly clingy. Yk?

[anon1903]

Clingy guys are only cute if you want them.

[anon1903]

No offense.

[Billlewis]

Oh my goodness... I love women who enjoy using a guy for their own selfish pleasure... min fact, I put selfishness at the top of my list of traits that I need a woman to have, if she wants to dominate that ass (my ass).

[anon1903]

You have your priorities straight.

[Billlewis]

Mmmm... Goddess alert - - - only wimps with thick wallets need apply.

[anon1903]

Why don't you become a sugar daddy or something

[Billlewis]

I'm already an entire level ahead of the sugar daddy stage -- I'm an obedient pay pig, and I love serving a beautiful woman and the lucky guys she's dating:)

[anon1903]

Cheers

[Tephra]

Ok, this was a very long discussion, and thank you for the input @Billlewis. I feel like it is his problem, when he is jealous. I did yesterday call him out on his behaviour, and how he referred to me and him as "we", I had spoken to him about it before and I made sure I put myself in his shoes, and wondered if I ever "couple" anyone else with me together. The only reason I would do it is if we are an established item/dating. He actually got very upset with me this time when I pointed it out he said "we" instead of himself, he hasn't spoken to me for awhile. He did say something like "you would never find anyone else like me" at some point when he was telling me about the perks of dating him. He is definitely a "nice guy". I gave him the friendship option because we get along well on a platonic level, but he keeps pushing for more. So I am giving him space for now.

[anon1903]

He doesn't deserve your friendship 🙄✋

[SaRang21]

I think maybe he's insecure so he wants to tell the people you are his. This is a common behavior psychologically to want to do that. But since you have told him you didn't like it but he doesn't seem to correct his behavior, now he's kinda wrong. I think if you really dislike the way he interacts and treats you, you can tell him if he continue to do it, you will want to end the friendship.

I know it's gonna hurt, the first few time, tell him politely, but if he doesn't correct his behavior, then take a hard attitude.

[Tephra]

I have corrected his behaviour twice now, but I will continue to do so for another 2 times, otherwise, yes I will have to end the friendship. A lack of respect for how I want to maintain the boundaries of the relationship we have is bad. I have respected his boundaries, but he is pushing mine. No need to make us a "we", I can speak for myself

[OfMiceandMen]

I think you are taking the right approach by putting some distance between the two of you. I would contact the other friends/individuals and ask to go out with them, minus him.

You may have to be clear with him and say your done as friends too.

[Tephra]

Yes, if that time comes! I had to tell him again yesterday about the "we" thing, I feel like I am over-exaggerating or being too sensitive about it but I get a lot of questions from my other friends asking if we are an item and I have to keep saying no. He loves it when people "couple" us together, his ego is inflated whether he admits it or not. He does care about me, I appreciate it but not to that extent

[OfMiceandMen]

I would say it is time to draw some lines and make it clear with friends you are not a couple even though he implies you are. Best to set things straight and move forward. If he can't understand that, then it's unfortunately time to start banning him from your life.

What he is doing, gets to a stalkerish point and is not healthy for you or him.

[spartan55]

So why did you give him the option of remaining friends anyway? You should be old enough to know that type of dynamic never works when one side has feelings. Or maybe you do know and just love the attention? Regardless, now you have to cut him off, which is what you should have done to begin with. You could have saved yourself the hassle.

[RHK36]

Lowkey you're leading him on. He clearly wants more and he's not a good friend to you. Yet you keep him around and don't really tell him directly to stop. If you do then why he's in your life makes no sense. At some point you need to cut him off or you like the attention.

[Billlewis]

@RHK36 I really don't think she's leading him on, or misrepresenting her position. I think it's more a case of his refusal to accept that she's never, ever going to let him fuck her, so unless he wants to make himself useful by doing various tasks, etc for her or serving her financially, it may be time to say goodbye.

[Tephra]

What @Billlewis said, he won't accept I will not date him, I will accept platonic friendship but nothing more than that. And yes, one day if the time comes I will have to. A lot of my other friends have said the same thing too, he will become a thorn in my side and eventually I will never get to "date" anyone because he is interfering with future romantic relationships.

[Wise4myage]

Time to set him straight, and if that doesn't work than stop being friends with him.

[Tephra]

True, thank you! I have done it twice now, but if he continues to do so I will have to cut it off. It is hurting my relationships with other people

[Wise4myage]

You're welcome. Stick to your idea.

[mommymommymommy]

Then you need to decide if it's worth trying to have "guy friends"

[Tephra]

Nothing wrong with "guy friends" if you can respect each others boundaries. Simple.

[mommymommymommy]

There's a lot wrong with having guy "friends", trust me

[LogicBomber]

no straight guy is your “friend”, they are orbiters waiting for their chance.

[shades777]

depends, you can be friends with Lizzo and not want a chance

[LogicBomber]

@shades777 no straight male is friends with lizzo.
No guy wakes up and says “i am gonna text lizzo and see how her day is”

[shades777]

i mean hypothetically if i was friends with lizzo i would call to say whats, but not in a friends with benefits kind of way, maximum platonic

[DextroShade]

Men and women can't really be friends.